22. Jud

TWENTY-TWO

JUD

There are moments in our lives that we know are going to change everything. That once we take one step deeper, there will be no turning back.

We will be irrevocably changed.

Permanently marked.

A new tattoo that doesn’t just cover your skin, but the ink bleeds way down deep, deep enough to imprint your soul.

I had to wonder then which moment had permanently changed me with Salem. When I’d known if I took one more step, it’d be over for me.

Tonight? When I’d wrapped her up and whisked her away? When I’d touched her and taken her? When I’d filled her up and she’d taken me over, branding our bodies in the most magnificent way?

Had it been when I’d crossed the line and kissed her down in the office, overcome with my need to hold her and keep her safe?

When I’d breathed out in relief when she’d shown with that ad to take the job?

Or had it been the second I’d first found her in the rain?

Or maybe…maybe…it had been every single one that had brought me closer to this girl. Each one life-altering, each step warning me if I got any nearer, I was never going to be the same.

And I kept at it, anyway. Unable to stop myself from the lure that called to me in a way that felt unavoidable.

Deeper.

What I did know was she’d scarred me.

Changed me.

Written herself in those places that I’d been sure were already penned. Unable to be edited or redrafted.

Salem had her arms curled around my neck as I carried her up the interior steps of my loft. Her breaths were short and shallow. I got the sense that she knew it, too. That we’d crossed a line that couldn’t be erased. That every second of this was different.

It’d felt like a merging out in that meadow. Even more so as she’d ridden on the back of my bike back to the shop, like something had shifted in the passing of the miles.

Like our spirits had managed to spill into the other and there was no way to get them back to their rightful places.

Eyes the color of a toiling sea stared up at me through the whispering shadows that shrouded the shop.

Gauging.

Evaluating.

Seeking.

I punched in the code to let us through the door into my loft. Stepping inside, I let it drop closed behind us. Dim lights warmed the darkness to a dusky glow.

Our clothes were soaked, two of us drenched through.

In unison, we shivered, even though there was a defined heat that surrounded us.

The embers of the fire that singed us still burned beneath the questions that had risen to the surface.

I started in the direction of my bedroom that was on the opposite side of the loft. Halfway there, I felt her pulse speed, the way she cautiously let the words fall from her mouth, the girl asking me to open another door for her. “Did they live here with you?”

Grief streaked through my being, getting loose of the bonds where I tried to keep the memories chained.

“No.” Agony raked out with the word.

I kept going, and she watched me like she was terrified I was going to run, when I was pretty sure it was the other way around. It was me who wanted to wrap her up and keep her.

Beg her to stay.

Friends.

What fuckin’ bullshit.

I carried her through the kitchen and into the short passageway that led into my room. I passed by my enormous bed and carried her into the bathroom.

I flicked on the light.

We both blinked against the intrusive glare that glinted off the shiny white floors and walls. Once we’d adjusted, I carried her the rest of the way to the shower. Still holding her, I angled in so I could turn on the faucet. Water fell from the rain shower, quick to fill the room with steam.

Carefully, I set her onto her feet like this fierce girl was going to break. Like it was her soul that was going to shatter when I could feel every wound inside me reopening.

I kept peeking at her as I peeled the wet fabric of her dress up her body. Chills raced her flesh as I drew it up and over her head.

Fuck me.

She was a vision.

A straight-up fantasy standing there in nothing but her sky-high heels and her underwear.

A dream wrapped in black ribbons and bows. Her underwear was nothing but a scrap of lace and a satiny string that ran down her ass.

Girl all curves and soft skin and mind-bending appeal.

A grunt slipped from my tongue. “Fuckin’ beautiful. Definition of it. Do you have any idea, darlin’?”

I let the question tumble out on the heated air, and Salem looked at me with those eyes that speared me all the way through.

Slayed and pierced and pinned me to the spot.

With trembling hands, she reached out, gripped the hem of my shirt, and pushed it up. I took hold of it when she made it to my chest, and I peeled it the rest of the way over my head.

Her hands spread over my abdomen and rode up to my shoulders.

“And you stagger me, Jud. You make me forget who I am.”

Gently, she tapped her fingertips along the designs and innuendo on my skin as if she could tap into their meaning.

As if she wasn’t afraid of the horror.

Or maybe she was just strong enough to hold the brutality of what they meant.

She didn’t look away from my face when she traced the word branded on my left side.

Grim.

Like she was rewriting that part, too.

But I knew better. Knew better than thinking it could be erased.

Because no matter how much time went by, that demon still lived. Hell, he’d been right there, ready to break loose tonight.

Through the bleary cover of the steam, I knelt to remove her heels.

I was half mad with this lust that wouldn’t let me go. The other part just wanted to fall at her fucking feet.

I curled my hand around her right ankle and lifted her foot, and Salem reached down to brace herself on my shoulders. Her question banged through my mind, and somehow this girl was pulling the truth from where I normally kept it sealed.

The hoarse confession grated from my tongue. “We had a place over by where Trent had lived with Gage before he met Eden. It was a little house with a big backyard and a perfect lawn and a pink playhouse that I was building in the back for when Kye got big enough.”

“Kye.” Salem whispered my daughter’s name.

Sorrow wafted through the mist.

Like we were both breathing it.

Were a part of it.

Sharing in the torment.

I slipped off her other shoe and pushed to standing, had to reach out and set my palm on this girl’s cheek to keep myself grounded. From falling to pieces. “Sat in that playhouse for weeks, just…waiting for them to come back. For Kye’s little laugh to fill the air. For the steps she’d just started taking to patter on the floor. When I realized they wouldn’t, I didn’t even pack. I just came here. Couldn’t take the echo of their voices for a second longer.”

Salem touched my chin, brushed her fingers through my beard. “Jud…I’m so sorry.”

“Not your fault.”

It was mine.

“It doesn’t mean I can’t hurt for you.” She kept peering at me with this expression that sheared through my conscience. Like this girl might be able to get the loss on a level that no one else could.

I swallowed hard, leaned down to work her panties free of those legs. As I went, I pressed a kiss to her thigh. To her knee. To her calf.

I unwound them from her ankles.

She ran her fingers through my hair. “Just like I can feel you hurting for me.”

I choked out a breath, pressed my nose to her knee, inhaled. “I’m livid for you, baby. Want to destroy that bastard. Wipe his existence from the earth.”

The deranged admission was out before I could stop it.

I knew by the way she shivered that she understood it wasn’t a figure of speech. Wasn’t an exaggeration.

She had me itching to do what I’d promised I’d never do again.

I turned to work my boots free of my feet. Standing, I kicked them off and shrugged out of my jeans and underwear.

As bare as the girl.

Exposed.

She pressed her palm to the thunder that raged at my chest.

“You’re lonely.”

Energy thrashed.

“Yes.”

My hand went to her jaw, to the scar that made me want to go on a rampage. Hunt down the monster and show him exactly what being a monster meant.

“And you see mine,” she whispered so soft. “My loneliness.”

“There’s no lonelier place than having to hide who we are.” My words were out, between the two of us. “You don’t have to hide from me.”

I wound my arm around her waist and lifted her an inch from the floor so I could step with her into the shower.

The heated spray fell from the ceiling. Icepicks against our chilled flesh. Salem shivered then moaned when I leaned her back and massaged the warm water into the locks of her hair.

“I’m sorry you were scared tonight,” I muttered, memory going back to the terror in her eyes.

Old fears flashed across her face.

Grabbing a sponge and coating it with shower gel, I began to wash her.

Carefully the way she deserved to be handled.

Returning the favor, Salem pumped gel into the palm of her hand, rubbed her palms together before she smoothed them over my shoulders and down my arms. She peeked up at me when she admitted, “I think I needed you to see.”

She distracted me by running those hands all over my body.

Slowly.

Seductively.

I did the same, somehow knowing this was what she needed. For someone to hold her for a bit. To let her know she was safe.

We washed each other, her hands on me and mine on her.

It was really fuckin’ hard to keep my cool with this girl slick and bare and the hottest thing I’d ever seen. It was bad enough when she was clothed. But this? It was mind-altering. Earth-shattering. Being with her this way.

Lost in the shift of this night.

Like maybe we’d both tripped into something better.

Something right.

Our hearts were a thunder that pounded louder than the drone of the shower, louder than the rain on the roof and the thunder in the distance.

We were caught up. Lost in the connection that refused to let us go.

Our hands searched and our mouths roamed.

I kissed her jaw, her cheek, that nose.

Her lips ran over my pecs, my stomach, back up in search of my mouth.

I kissed her long and deep. My hand on her chin to control the desperation.

She sighed and gasped and stroked her tongue over mine. A slow, intoxicating dance.

When the water started to cool, I finally pulled myself out of the trance and turned off the showerhead. I reached out and grabbed a towel and wrapped that lush body in it, grabbed another to wrap around my waist, then I was hoisting her up.

She squealed in surprise.

“I can walk, you know.” There was a tease on her sweet mouth as I carried her to the massive vanity against the far wall of the bathroom.

Propping her on the counter, I grabbed another towel to run through her hair. “Now why would you do that when you have me to carry you around?”

Salem giggled. “You’d better watch out…a girl could get used to this, and then you’re never going to get rid of me.”

I smirked down at her. “Damn it. There you go, foiling my master plan, darlin’.”

“Devious.” She grinned.

My chest felt light while everything else was tightened in a fist.

Need unending.

Want growing into something it should not.

Love.

I shoved down the stupid, errant thought.

Blasphemy.

Disloyalty.

This black magic that was sinking into my blood and pounding through my body.

Only thing I could do was be here, right now, for her. Show her she didn’t have to be alone.

But where did that leave me? Wasn’t sure how to stand in front of the beauty of who she was while being me. Worse than that was wondering how the hell I was going to walk when this was over.

Especially when she started running her fingertips over that word again, a clear question in the action.

I blew out a strained sigh then I pressed her hand hard against it like she could feel the vileness pour out. “That’s who I really am, Salem.”

In question, she looked up at me, waiting.

“Who my father made me.” I amended it, not sure if it was true. Because this? It was in my blood. There from the day I was born. Still, I doubted it’d have come to fruition the way it had without the one who’d planted it in me. “But that doesn’t make me innocent of it, Salem. I’ve done the unthinkable.”

Salem blanched, and I could feel her heart rate kick up a notch. “I don’t know if I can believe that.”

I brushed my fingers through her damp hair at the side of her head. “That’s because you’re seeing who I want to be. Who I’m trying to be.”

“Or maybe you haven’t ever had anyone see you for the man you really are.”

Shame built from the depths where I tried to keep it buried.

Softly, she touched my face, but there was a desperation that lined her voice. “Did you choose that life?”

I gave a harsh shake of my head, the words shards as they popped off with a scoff. “I was forced into it with a literal gun to my head. Told it was my time. That it was my duty, and if I didn’t, it would fall on my brothers.”

Too bad I didn’t fuckin’ know our bastard father had already gotten to Trent. Spun him into destruction the same way as he’d done me.

All of us manipulated from the minute we were born.

Those who had tried to stand in the way had been systematically taken out.

Sorrow riddled her gaze. “How old were you?”

I swallowed over the razors in my throat.

My eyes dropped closed, unable to keep looking at her when I made the confession. “Fourteen was my first. My father said it was time to prove my loyalty. He took me with him on a raid, to act as one of his guards. Turned out, I was a good fuckin’ shot, and I sealed my fate that day. I rode with the piece of shit until the day Trent found a way out. Asked us to leave with him to find a different life. A better life.”

I’d thought I’d found that with Kennedy.

Cupping my cheek, Salem urged me to look at her. “And what if you would have refused? Left before Trent found a way out?”

“My father would have killed anyone I cared about and made me watch.”

Those blue eyes were different then. Blazing with an empathy I couldn’t fathom when she should be looking at me with the disgust I deserved. “I know evil, Jud. I’ve seen it. I’ve lived with it. And I know that’s not what’s looking back at me right now.”

Agony slashed through my conscience, that place that was forever going to wail. “But I went back, Salem. I fuckin’ went back thinking I was doing the right thing, and I ended up committing the greatest sin.”

The unforgiveable.

Something I could never take back or make right.

I’d given that truth to Kennedy, and she’d left. There was no chance in hell I could offer it to Salem. The girl barely knew me as it was. But somehow, in that moment right then, I didn’t think I’d been more in tune with another.

Not with Kennedy.

Not once.

Because she’d never looked at me quite like this.

Like maybe there was a chance that I could be saved.

Like there could be redemption for a man like me.

How the hell could I ask for it, though? When I deserved to suffer with the truth of what I’d done for the rest of my life?

“The only thing you can do is live in the here and now, Jud. The past never has anything to offer but chains…chains and regrets and hard lessons. And yes, we can learn from them, but we can’t remain captive to them. You have to live each day for what it has to offer. You don’t have to be alone, either, Jud, I’m right here.”

Fuck, this girl was sweet.

Fierce and sweet and brave, and the only thing I wanted to do was wrap her up and keep her forever.

“Yeah? But for how long? When are you going to be done running, Salem? When are you going to free yourself of the chains?” Misery crawled out with the grunted hope that kept growing stronger.

Salem itched, fiddled with her fingers as she dropped her gaze. “It’s the only thing I want, Jud. To stop the hiding. The running.” Warily, she glanced at me. “But I don’t know how to make that happen when he’s still out there.”

I had to focus on continuing to dry her hair rather than coming unhinged.

The only thing I wanted right then was a name. Would handle everything else.

“Who is he?”

Distress hitched in her throat. “He was my brother’s friend who’d lived across the street from us growing up. Five years older than me. I started sneaking out to meet him when I was sixteen. My grandmother…Mimi…” Salem peeked up at me with her own shame on her face. “She warned me, Jud, she told me he was no good and that I was only asking for pain. And that’s what I got. So much pain. I fell in love with a man who turned out to be wicked—a man who in turn only showed me wickedness—but I didn’t realize what that really meant until it was too late.”

“How long have you been running?”

“Four years. I don’t stay in one place for longer than a few months. This is the first time I’ve been anywhere near family. Darius believes that he’s given up and moved on, that enough time has passed. That he’s no longer after me, and as long as we stay far away and keep quiet, we’ll be okay.”

Fuck.

“That why you wanted the job off the books?”

Her nod was wary. “Yeah. For years, I’ve paid cash for everything. Stayed at crummy places that I could pay for by the month.”

Her chin trembled. “Juni’s medical care…” Her brow pinched in her own shamed horror. “I’d take her to little clinics in small towns, give a false name so she could get a checkup, and then we’d be on our way.”

My soul shouted. The truth that this was bad, really fuckin’ bad to make her go to such lengths to stay away from him.

I ran my thumb over the scar on her jaw. “What did he do…the last time? When you finally got free?”

Sorrow ripped through her features. “He tried to destroy us, Jud…to take it all.”

Rage twitched my fingers, and vengeance ground my teeth. I held her by both sides of the face, forcing her to look at me, to understand. “Won’t let him get to you. Promise you that.”

Salem leaned forward and placed a kiss right over my heart. “It’s not your war to fight, Jud. I shouldn’t even be here. But I honestly don’t know how to leave.”

Had to force some lightness into the mood before I scared her with the rage that pounded through my system. “Now why would you want to go and leave when you get all of this?” With a quirk of my lips, I rocked my hips between her thighs.

Playing.

A taunt and a tease.

Because the only thing I wanted to do right then was steal any trace of sadness from her being.

Figured I’d shore up the rage for later.

Because if that fucker showed his face? He was dead. Fuck the promise I’d made to myself.

That promise that I’d never kill again.

That I’d live on the straight and narrow.

Be ready for when my life came back.

The one purpose I’d been living for.

And there it went, fading into the distance.

Blasphemy .

Waiting for him to strike suddenly seemed unwise.

I was going to get the name out of Darius, then I was going to put an end to Salem’s pain. Head it off before it found its way to her door.

Salem dug her fingers into my sides and looked up at me with those eyes.

“I don’t want to, Jud…I don’t want to leave.”

Intensity crashed.

A whip in the air.

A fire to my soul.

I dropped the towel I was using to dry her hair and drove my fingers into the locks instead, just as I swooped down to plunder that plush, tempting mouth.

Girl so gorgeous.

So right.

So much better than I should ever ask for.

“Sounds like you should stay then.” I rumbled it at her lips, playfully, though I meant it, one hundred percent.

Felt her grin against my mouth, and she edged me back and slipped off the counter and onto her feet.

“In that case,” she said, glancing at me from over her shoulder as she sauntered out of my bathroom and toward my bedroom.

Well shit.

There she went.

My vixen.

Nothing but a sweet, tempting enchantress.

And I was fuckin’ hypnotized.

Spellbound.

Dropping her towel, she strutted away, nothing but that bare back and perfect round ass, hair falling down her spine, legs curvy and toned.

“Ahh, darlin’, now you are just asking for trouble,” I rumbled from behind.

“I found you, didn’t I?” she teased with a glance back at me.

With a chuckle, I was stalking her way out into the bedroom, catching up to her before she made it to my bed. I hooked an arm around her front, palm coming to her stomach to pull her flush.

Salem laughed and kicked her feet as I pulled her against me. It pulled a rush of laughter out of me, too, and then she was melting into a puddle when I kissed a path down the side of her neck and across her delicious shoulder.

“Fuck, you feel so nice.” Rumbled it as I pressed my nose into her hair and inhaled, and she was sighing out.

“You’re the best thing I’ve ever felt, Jud.” Her admission wisped on the dense air of my room. “I never expected you…to find someone who would make me dream beyond the hope of only surviving.”

I swiveled her around, tipped up her chin. “I’m going to see to it that you have that, Salem. The life that you deserve.”

Her beautiful brow bunched, and I let my fingertips trail down her throat. “Turn back around, baby.”

She exhaled a needy breath as she slowly shifted, eyes watching mine as she turned.

My breath hitched again. “Bend over, darlin’. Let me get a good look at all that sweetness.”

She shivered, whimpered as she pressed her palms onto my bed.

Shit.

So damned sexy.

Her bottom was round, her slit pink and pretty.

I angled in to lick a path down her spine. I palmed her ass as I did. “Every part of you, Salem. Makes me insane, how bad I want you. How I’ve been dying to get lost in this sweet body, and now that I have, I don’t ever want to stop.”

I kept kissing down as I muttered the words against her silken flesh.

“Then don’t, Jud. Don’t stop.”

And there she was. That storm that had made landfall. A flashflood of chaos that lit in my blood and pulsed greed through my veins.

Her aura everywhere. Toasted coconut and sultry sin and a little bit of me.

That set me off, too.

“You mine, darlin’?” I whispered it as I kept heading south, tongue stroking between her cheeks so I could give a nice little lap to her sweet, puckered hole.

Salem gasped then pushed back.

A chuckle rumbled out as I fully pushed back to standing. Dropping my towel from my waist, I reached over to my nightstand and grabbed a condom. I rolled it on quick. I pressed her chest farther against the mattress so she was completely bent over.

Damn, she was a vision.

Perfection.

Complete annihilation.

I let my fingers wander to her drenched pussy, and I pressed two fingers deep inside, grumbled, “Tell me, Salem. Tell me you’re mine.”

Even if it was just for tonight, I needed to hear it.

Girl writhed and whimpered. “Jud.”

“Tell me.”

“Yes. I’m yours.”

I knew she didn’t mean to be. Neither of us had anticipated this.

It didn’t matter. She was never going to forget me.

I grabbed the base of my dick and lined myself up with her pussy, nearly passed out all over again when I nudged my head just inside, as I slowly, slowly kept jutting deeper and deeper.

Way the girl squirmed and gasped and sucked for air as I stretched her wide, almost too snug to fit.

My cock filled her up, and her walls throbbed around me.

Swore, the ground started to shake.

I took her by the hips and started to move, driving in and out of her perfect cunt.

View itself had me wanting to come.

“You’re perfect, darlin’. So good.” Didn’t try to keep it from spilling from my mouth. Not when it was the truth. This girl who’d invaded my world and made it feel like something else.

“Don’t stop,” she demanded incoherently, then she yelped when I picked her up and tossed her onto her back on the bed.

A giggle rolled up her throat before those eyes were sweeping over me as I stood there for a beat, just looking at this girl laid out before me.

That feeling lit in my veins.

Need.

Possession.

Girl was nothing but a siren.

Black-fuckin’-magic.

Because what she had me feeling wasn’t possible.

I crawled onto my knees on the bed, and I reached out and dragged her close, put her ankles on my shoulders and drove in deep.

I picked up a rigid, hard pace.

Her hips arched farther from the bed, hair thrashing around her gorgeous face, those tits bouncing with every thrust.

“Think I’m done for, baby.” My thumb swirled around her swollen clit. She cursed, shouted my name as her orgasm raced through her body, squeezing me tight, girl heaving for a breath as I slowed to give her a breather.

Then I started to swirl my finger on her swollen clit again.

Surprise filled her face. “I don’t think…”

But she was trailing off when I shifted angles and pressed down on her lower belly so I could rub that sweet spot inside her with the head of my dick.

Clearly, she liked it a lot.

Way her head began to thrash as I wound her up all over again.

But the real problem here was how much I liked her, how my chest tightened when another orgasm ripped through her tight, perfect body.

I dropped down to my elbows and gathered her up, moved in and out, my hips thrusting between those lush thighs. My spirit got tangled with the pleasure that burned at the base of my spine and tightened my balls in a fist.

I kissed her when I came, devoured her as bliss went streaking through my veins.

I slumped to my side and pulled her against me after, and my fingers found their way into her hair, and I stared over at her as she stared back at me.

There was a feeling deep in my chest that I was pretty sure I wouldn’t ever be rid of.

“Magic,” I murmured low.

“Magic,” she whispered back.

Peace billowed around us for the longest time, the only sounds our breaths and our hearts and the retreating storm. Finally, I opened my mouth, and I asked something I’d been wanting to ask her all along. “What is it you want, Salem? What in this life do you want most?”

“I want Juni to be safe. I want to stop running. I want a home.”