BEAR

After lunch, the five kids explore the expansive playset. Natasha, Petra, and Siobhan ditch me on the patio and supervise the little ones. I sit my ass down and wish I had a dog to play with out here.

The cats watch me from inside the house. They'd love to explore, but my neighbors have big dogs, and I'm not looking to watch my boys get eaten. I suspect if that happened, I'd burn down my neighbor's house and ruin my view.

Leaving Lobster Mac and King Crab inside, I focus on Natasha playing mommy. Since I learned the kids weren't hers, I assumed they were distractions from her broken heart over Ollie. Like, she was caring for them because they were tiny sob stories in need of a replacement mom.

Maybe that's a wrong way to see shit, but I'm naturally cynical. I've got zero idea how she ended up with Andrew. I don't dare ask, either. The dirty details are bound to drive me crazy. I'll be more willing to deal with such ugly feelings when I have Natasha back in my bed.

Natasha is sweet to Laszlo and the twins, but there's a definite difference with how she is with Jacinda and Hector. I feel like the three of them are on the same wavelength.

As she plays for the next hour, Natasha's heart is on display. I have no doubt she loves those kids like she would if she carried them for nine months.

As I imagine Hector and Jacinda growing attached to me, Natasha heads in my direction.

"The house looks beautiful," she says, eyes bright and happy. "Thank you."

"Are you leaving?" I ask, instantly irritated.

"No, Bear, I just figured I'd use my trip to the bathroom as an excuse to feel you up."

Grinning at her flirty gaze, I reach for her body only to have her step out of reach.

"I'm too bloated to rub up against you."

I frown at how she's teasing me. "I thought that's why you came over here."

"No, I wanted to feel you up, not the other way around," Natasha says as her fingers comb through my hair. "I'll be back soon."

Natasha is only gone for a few minutes before Hector wanders over, looking lost. I sit in my chair and watch him shuffle a little this way before shuffling a little that way. Though Siobhan and Petra clearly consider sweeping in to fix his problem, they decide to let me handle it.

Meanwhile, Hector looks around as if he doesn't know where the hell he is anymore. Having seen my brothers act that way after a hit to the head, I say the boy's name and draw him to me.

"Did you fall down?" I ask while Hector stares at me with glassy eyes.

"Where did he go?"

"Who?"

"Dad," the boy mumbles and flinches like someone's going to hurt him. "Where he go?"

"He was mean, so he had to go away."

Hector looks around as tears fill his eyes. I nearly pick him up and run to Natasha before the crying starts. Instead, I lean forward and say his name.

"What's wrong?" I ask in as quiet of a voice as I can manage.

"Mommy go away?"

"No, she's in the bathroom."

"Dad hurt her. She go away?"

"Your dad isn't coming back, kid. I'm going to take care of you."

His gaze remains glassy and tear-filled. He seems fucked up. Then, the answer smacks me in the face when he yawns with such ferocity he nearly ends up on his ass.

"You've been playing for a long time," I say, and a sleepy Hector nods. "Do you want to go sleep in your new bed?"

Hector looks like I've punched him in the heart. He glances at the house and doesn't hide his fear. I'd get offended if he weren't so damn tiny. The more I see the kids, the smaller they seem to get.

I think to pawn him off on Siobhan and Petra or take Hector to the bathroom where Natasha deals with lady issues. That's exactly what Zoot would do in this situation. Though I'd take a bullet to protect my president, I'm not blind to how he isn't the type of man a child craves.

It'll never be enough for Hector and Jacinda to just like me. I need the kids to look at me like the twins look at Sync or Pork Chop's sons watch him. Neither of my club brothers would ever pawn off their kid to someone else. They'd figure out the answers themselves.

"Do you want to sit on my lap until your mom gets done in the bathroom?"

Hector looks like he can barely stand. He glances around and then back at me. When I see myself through his eyes, I doubt I'd want to get close to the giant, rough man. Hector is braver or more trusting than I was at his age. He shuffles closer and lifts his arms.

I set him on my lap and rub his back. The kid is tiny. I look at the size of my hand next to his little face. Less than a month ago, another man hurt Hector's fragile body. His father was no good, but the boy loved him. I know I loved my dad who was a piece of shit. I also remember how it felt to walk around in pain because of my father's angry hands.

Hector rests his body against me before sitting up and looking around. "Where he go?"

"He's gone, kid," I say softly. "I know you're confused. Life is that way. It doesn't make sense. But your dad hurt you and got in trouble."

"Mommy go away?"

"She's just going potty," I say, and Hector loses his panic.

Eyelids heavy, he studies me, and I wait for his judgment.

"Jacinda get dress. I want dress," Hector says, shaking his head and making his wavy hair bounce. "I wear vest. I look like you."

I smile at how Hector's fingers circle the patch on my vest. Exhaling deeply, he rests his head on my chest and just crashes into a nap.

Natasha finally returns to find her boy curled up against me. I instantly see in her expression how I'm doing something right. She gets teary-eyed and smiles.

"He wore himself out," I explain, just to break the silence.

"They're starting to struggle," Natasha says in a soft voice as she takes the closest chair to us. "The kids rarely get upset about things. When Andrew lost his temper, I'd send them to their room to play. I shielded them for a long time, but there's no hiding how everything keeps changing."

As Natasha watches me, I sense she's about to ask for something I won't like.

"Can we put off our honeymoon for a while?"

Assuming the worst, I nearly ask why. Fortunately, my brain catches on before I open my mouth and say something stupid.

"I'm in no hurry," I reply, winning another smile from Natasha.

We notice Jacinda leaving her friends and shuffling over like her brother did earlier. She seems out of sorts, too.

"Are you tired, baby?" Natasha asks, and the girl nods. "Do you like your playset?"

"I play so much. I want to play more."

"This is your new yard. Once we move in here, you can play every day. Deirdre and Kiera live close. They'll be over a lot. Laszlo will visit, too."

When Jacinda wears a confused frown, Natasha picks up the girl and cradles her in the chair.

"We are moving after the wedding. You remember that, don't you?"

Jacinda rests her head on her mom's chest and fights tears. "I ride horse."

"Grandma Katja will teach you, just like she taught me. You'll go to the mansion a lot."

"I sleep at mansion?"

"Once we move here, you'll sleep in your new room. It's so pretty and blue. That's your favorite color."

Unhappy about her room, Jacinda lowers her chin and shakes her head.

"What's wrong with the room?" I ask, getting my back up.

When Natasha glances at me, I instantly know I'm saying the wrong thing. She doesn't frown at me or seem irritated, but I feel her wishing I'd shut up.

"You like having your bed next to Mommy's, don't you?" Natasha asks, and Jacinda perks up.

"I climb in Mommy bed when I wake. I can cuddle."

Natasha wraps her daughter closer, nuzzling her hair. "We couldn't do that at the old house. Dad didn't like you in the bed. But Bear will let you cuddle."

I try to imagine these little kids climbing over me before I get my coffee in the morning. As much of a horror show as that seems, I always like the photos of Natasha cuddled with her kids. They seem so happy and comfortable. I wouldn't mind watching them do that next to me.

Jacinda looks at her brother asleep on my lap. She yawns twice before her gaze meets mine.

"My cats cuddle with me in bed," I say, winning a smile from Jacinda and Natasha. "I wouldn't mind you and Hector cuddling with me, too."

"Bear," she says as if struggling to imagine the future.

The kids are too little for so much heavy thinking. I felt the same damn way when I was dumped at another random family member's house. I never knew where I'd wake up. My toys got left behind at various places. I couldn't settle into my own skin. That was probably when I learned to assume the worst about the world.

However, as Jacinda dozes off on her mom while watching me, I find myself feeling optimistic. I'm going to raise them to know their place in the world.

As a kid at the farm, I had to share a room with sometimes three other boys. Space was tight. I didn't have any privacy. Noise was always an issue.

Yet, I felt safe. I stopped fearing whatever might be around every corner. I started to breathe easier. I was less likely to take a swing at someone or burn down a problem.

Of course, I never became a cuddly son of a bitch. I'm still angry a lot, and I take too long to figure out shit.

"Our honeymoon will be you moving in here," I tell Natasha as Siobhan and Petra get pushed on the swings by their kids. "Later, when we're settled in our new life, I'll take you to Key West and get you wasted on pi?a coladas while you entertain me with your bikini choices."

Natasha's smile is the reward I've been missing all these years. She's a naturally warm person and offers comfort to most people. Natasha was even coldly patient with an asshole like Billy Brennan. Her approval shouldn't feel like such a big deal.

However, owning Natasha's heart is what I want most in the world. As soon as I got her alone in the clubhouse's bedroom, I never wanted her to leave my side. I fucked up my big dreams. More than once, actually.

Right now, as Natasha watches me hold Hector, I know I'm back on track, and my prize is within reach.