CHAPTER NINE

I got pregnant the first month we tried. I told Gerard when I knew. And I’m four months along when we decide to tell Cash.

My last pregnancy was full of unknowns. This one is quiet waiting. I stand in the doorway of the barn, watching the men bring the cattle in. Cash wants to be involved in everything. Gerard is too busy to take him, he has to manage the entire ranch. But Cash convinces Jensen to let him ride with him some days. He sits proudly before him in the saddle.

My heart stings. Someday, he won’t be little anymore. He’ll be a man like his father and I’ll have to love him enough to let him go.

But for now, I watch him, small on Jensen’s horse. And I lean my head on the doorway and feel the first flutters deep inside. It took a while to get used to that during my first pregnancy. Now it feels almost ordinary.

I slide my hand down, pushing the heel of my palm in.

A smile moves over my face. This is the life we’ve chosen, despite our violent beginning.

And this life is so good.

Sunday night, Gerard comes in streaked with sweat. He washes in the kitchen sink because it’s just me in there, cooking. Everyone else rests in their houses, preparing for another week. I’m feeling good this pregnancy, I haven’t had any sickness. Just tiredness and sore joints. I woke this morning with new energy, knowing my second trimester is coming soon.

Gerard wipes his face on a towel and leans back.

“It’s Sunday night,” I say, glancing up.

He shakes his head. “Not when you’re pregnant.”

I sigh, but I don’t push him. He’s right, we should be careful. But I miss the way our sex life was before pregnancy. I know this won’t be forever, but I’m feeling disconnected from him when we can’t practice our dynamic together.

He moves up behind me, wrapping a hand around my waist. His mouth grazes the back of my neck.

My toes curl.

“You’re the mother of my children,” he says quietly. “But you will always be my wife first.”

I turn, looking up at him. “What does that mean?”

“It means, you’re many things to me,” he says, in that matter-of-fact way he speaks. “You’re the mother of my children, but before that, you’re the woman I love. And after that, you’re my submissive.”

I swallow.

Sometimes it’s hard to juggle all the things that we are, but I wouldn’t trade it for the world. We keep our dynamic strictly to the bedroom and moments we’re alone together and that helps make a distinction. Gerard is a fiercely private person and I’m the only one he allows in. His strong boundaries help separate our dynamic from our lives outside our bedroom doors.

Pregnancy complicates that, but it doesn’t erase it.

I know what he’s saying. And I appreciate it.

He bends my head back, his hand on my throat. “There are plenty of things I can do to put you in your place, redbird.”

I shiver, warmth blossoming.

The water upstairs turns off. I hear Cash singing loudly as he gets dressed and then his feet slap down the stairs.

“Hey, mom,” he says, darting around the corner. “What’s for dinner?”

Gerard picks him up and sets him on the counter. “Breakfast. I got to choose again.”

“Hell, yes,” he says.

I gasp. “Cash, do not say that.”

He cringes. “Sorry.”

I give Gerard a look and he sighs, leaning on the counter. “Don’t swear like the men do, alright, son? You can swear when you’re older.”

Cash nods, twisting his hands. “Sorry, I didn’t know.”

Gerard ruffles his hair and straightens. “Your mother and I want to talk to you.”

Immediately, Cash knows something big is coming. He narrows his pale eyes and they bounce from me to Gerard.

“You’re getting a brother or sister,” my husband says.

Cash’s brows shoot up. He sits there for a moment, the gears in his head working.

“Okay, where are they?” he asks.

I want to speak, but I feel like this is a significant moment for Gerard and Cash. So I stay quiet.

“Your mother is pregnant,” Gerard says. “The baby is growing right now, but in the spring, you’ll have a sibling. Just like when the cows were born last spring.”

This time, it’s my brows that shoot to my hairline.

“It’s not just like that,” I say. “I do not give birth like a cow.”

“That’s not what I meant,” said Gerard. “It’s the general idea of it. Anyway, that’s all you need to know about it, son.”

We both wait, breath bated. I’m worried that Gerard opened a can of worms bringing up the birthing season as a comparison. Cash sits and thinks hard, his brow creased. Then he jumps off the counter and goes to the door.

“Okay, I guess I can wait that long,” he says.

I sigh with relief. “Can you go find your chair and set it up on the porch?”

He nods, heading down the hall. The front door slams.

“Do you think he knows about the cows?” I ask, worrying my lower lip. “Like, how the little cows get there?”

“No,” Gerard says, shaking his head.

He pulls me to his side and kisses the top of my head. I melt into him, listening to the bacon crackle on the stove.

“I don’t want him growing up too fast,” I whisper. “He’s only going to be my little boy once.”

‘”I know, redbird,” he says.

He goes to set the table up on the porch and I bring the food out. The air is balmy and the chirrup of frogs from the pond is peaceful.

Cash insists on eating on the porch step, his plate in his lap. We’re on the bench against the house. Gerard leans back, his knees spread, taking up half the bench. I lean against him, curling up in the bend of his arm.

I see everything laid out before us.

Gerard and I will grow older. Our children will become adults. I see Cash, as tall and big as his father, on a horse like Shadow. And from the corner of my mind’s eye, I see a woman with red hair. Riding a painted mare, like the wind.

All the pain of my past broke the day he met me in my first husband’s office. It took time and patience to pick up the pieces. But we pushed through and someday our children will be adults without the same burdens, because of what we did.

They’ll be free and safe on Sovereign Mountain. In the place that saved us both.