5. Dallas

Dallas

I slept like shit last night. Tossing and turning. I'm not really sure I got more than thirty minutes put together. I kept going over the realities that Chloe has a baby and that even my best friend on earth doesn't truly know me.

No one really knows me.

I finally give up trying to sleep and climb out of bed. I doubt my parents are even up yet, which is a really good thing. I can't face them right now. I pull on a t-shirt, a pair of jeans, and a baseball cap before heading out of my room and the house as quietly and quickly as I can.

When I get into my truck, there's only one place I have on my mind and drive straight to Benny's. Like I knew I would, I find him in the barn, feeding the animals before the sun has even officially come up. He looks surprised to see me but not upset.

I would be if I was him. He should be very upset to see me. I haven't been a good friend to him.

"Hey, what are you doing up so damn early?"

"I knew you'd be out here," I answer honestly.

He grins. "Farm life, right?"

I nod, but that burning, sick feeling is in my gut because I know what I need to do, and I don't like it. Not at all. But I hate being a shitty friend to him even more. "Ask me."

He cocks his head to the side, momentarily stopping the pour from the slop bucket as he watches me. "Ask you what exactly?"

"Ask me if anything happened between Coach Leighton and me."

He looks surprised but recovers fairly quickly and finishes pouring the rest of the slop before putting the bucket down and walking over to me. "Did anything happen between Coach Leighton and you?"

Thankfully, he doesn't ask me why now, he just goes along, which is exactly what I need to get through this. "Not what everyone assumed happened. No. He was the best friend to me besides you."

"What did happen then?" Benny asks me carefully. We've never talked about it. Not one time. And yesterday, when I realized I had even more secrets from him, I broke. Because it isn't fair.

He's supported me blindly, not knowing a hint of truth behind anything I've been accused of. He's had my back. I sigh heavily and take a seat on one of the hay bales behind me. "He was there for me. I don't know why, but he saw this scared, lonely kid, and he took me under his wing. Told me I was good at playing football."

"You are." Of course, he has to take the moment to add encouragement in true Benny fashion.

"Things felt like they were turning around a bit, but..." I swallow hard, trying to make the lump in my throat go away, but it does nothing to help that. "There was this bar..." I look away from Benny, my cheeks heating, hoping he won't ask me too many questions. "It was about an hour away. I was curious... I wanted to see..." I shake my head at my own self. When I heard about the gay bar an hour from home, I became a little obsessed.

I don't know why, really, but I had only ever seen gay couples on television, and that was only here and there before my parents would change the channel and talk about how disgusting it was.

"I just wanted to see," I finish but don't really say anything at all. Thankfully, Benny doesn't ask me to go into any more detail—probably because he already knows. "As my luck would have it, Coach was there that night."

Benny seems to take that information in, and I notice his tension as he makes his way over to sit next to me on the hay bale. "But nothing happened?" It's a question—one filled with fear.

"No," I say clearly. "Well, I mean, he did see me." I can't help but smile a little, thinking about his face. "He was so angry with me, but not because I was in a gay bar." My smile fades. "Because I was an hour away from home, with a fake ID, and took a bus to get there. He reamed me out for how dangerous it was."

"Good," Benny says firmly, and I smile again at his protectiveness.

"He took me home," I say quietly. "But he told me I could trust him, and he was a friend to me. He made me promise to never go back."

"Did you keep your promise?"

I look Benny in his eyes and shake my head. "No. God, I wish I would have. I fucked up. Because that's what I do, Benny."

I'm glad when he doesn't argue with me. "Tell me the rest."

I nod my head, but I have to look away from him to do it. "I went back, but he didn't see me there. I took some pictures of him while he was dancing. He wasn't doing anything wrong or bad, he just looked so..."—I close my eyes—"free."

"What happened?"

"My mom found the pictures. She freaked the hell out. She called the principal and got him fired. Said he seduced me and made me sick." I let out a quiet sob, thinking about her vile words. Thinking about the way my father and she looked at me. "Called the pastor."

I feel Benny stiffen at my side, but I can't look at him.

"They talked about me going away to this camp..." My throat feels raw, the fear from that day so embedded in me, I nearly throw up. I knew I couldn't let that happen. I don't know much about those sorts of camps, but I knew enough to be terrified. "I begged them not to. I told them I wasn't gay. That they didn't need to worry about me."

I feel Benny's hand on my shoulder, but I still can't look at him. I don't open my eyes. That fear will haunt me for the rest of my life. My mother wasn't convinced. Neither was my father. The pastor tried to talk me into going, just in case. Like some sort of evil might have snuck in or something. The entire thing was disgusting and frightening, but at the end, my pleading worked.

"I promised them it would never happen again. That I'd be the model kid. And they let it go."

"Fuck," Benny says quietly next to me.

I nod my head, my eyes still closed tight. "I sold him out."

"No." I hear his fierce tone. "Look at me." I can't. "Look at me, Dallas. Now," he says so firmly I can't ignore it, turning my head toward him and looking him in the eyes. "You didn't do anything wrong. They're responsible for getting Coach Leighton fired for doing nothing at all, and they're also responsible for scaring the shit out of their child for doing nothing wrong at all. Not you. You were a scared kid."

"But—"

"No," he says, cutting me off. "What happened to Coach Leighton was wrong, but what happened to you was also wrong." I don't bother arguing with him. I don't tell him it was my fault because I know he won't believe it.

But I was there. I ignored Coach Leighton when he pleaded with me not to do that. I took pictures of him. I flirted shamelessly with him, even though I knew he had no interest in me like that. I'm the idiot who developed a crush on my high-school coach, and he's the one who paid for it.

"I heard he's doing okay, even though he's in Kensley." He wrinkles his nose at our rival town's name.

I smile at that. Benny for sure loves football, and when you love football and grow up in Big Bend, you inherently hate Kensley.

A sharp pain stabs me in the stomach, thinking about the town. "He is happy. But he didn't deserve that." Not at all. He had his job stripped away from him. His reputation soured, and it was all my fault.

It doesn't matter that he met the love of his life coaching football in Kensley. It just doesn't.

"Have you seen him since?"

I give a quick nod and direct my attention toward the pigs chowing down on the slop. "Yeah. I went there to see if I ruined his life. I had to know."

"And did you?" he asks like he already knows the answer.

I swing my gaze back to Benny, slightly irritated with his minor arrogance. "He says I didn't. He's married to the head coach at Kensley. He seemed happy."

He squeezes my shoulder again. "You need to forgive yourself. You know I don't care about..." He stops, his expression going thoughtful, and I know what he's talking about. Not what happened with Coach Leighton... but the other thing.

The thing we don't talk about. The thing that brought me to that bar. The thing I've been struggling with for so long. "Please don't," I say quickly, my heart squeezing with intense nerves because I can't talk about that. I can't say it out loud.

Coward? Yeah. I am.

One hundred percent, but it doesn't matter if I know deep down, Benny wouldn't say something hateful. I don't want to say it. I don't want to think it. I can't.

He takes a deep breath but then releases it and gives me a reassuring nod. "Okay, Dallas. But know it won't change anything when you do finally say it."

I close my eyes again. Squeezing them tight and willing away my dad's words. My mom's. The pastor's, who I've known for so many years.

"Ask me the other thing," I say, not opening my eyes, the darkness comforting.

"You don't have to do this all at once, you know?" Kindhearted Benny.

I smile at that and take a deep breath, forcing my eyes to open, and I look at his kind smile. "Ask me, Benny."

I see the concern dripping from his expression, but there's curiosity too. He wants to know, and as far as I'm concerned, he deserves to know. "Did you really get a girl from Kensley pregnant?"

My throat feels dry, just thinking about answering the question. I open my mouth to answer. To say anything, but it doesn't come out. Nothing does, and I swallow hard, licking my lips and clearing my throat. I try again. "It was just one time," I barely manage to croak out.

"How?" He chuckles nervously. "I mean, I know how, but how did you end up in Kensley?"

I let out an obnoxious shocked laugh at that and then shove him lightly. "Not everyone hates Kensley."

"Everyone should," he says pointedly and shoves me back.

It feels really good to laugh, but it fades all too fast as I think about that night. Crashing a Kensley party. I could have been seriously hurt. The rivalry is no joke, but when I got there, it was pretty late, and not many people were left.

Most were too trashed to even notice my Big Bend letterman jacket. I was being reckless, and I was angry. Mad at the world because I was a coward. Because of things I couldn't face. "I just wanted to let go," I say out loud and look at Benny. "I drank so much, I could barely walk. I was stumbling like an idiot, and then I saw her. She had a really nice smile." That's honestly all I remember.

"No condom?" he asks, dead serious, and I see his frustration with my stupidity.

I shake my head. "I didn't..." I huff. "I wasn't thinking. It all happened so damn fast. The next day, I kind of convinced myself it was a dream."

"And you have a kid?" he asks softly.

I shake my head. "It was one time, Benny. One damn time. It was so fast."

"Pretty sure that's all it takes, and the amount of time isn't always a factor," he says directly, and I nod my head. He isn't joking or teasing. We both know it's very possible I could be a father.

"I'm so damn messed up, Benny. How could I do that to her? To anyone?" I put my face in my hands and my elbows on my thighs as I slump over.

I feel his hand smooth over my back, and he sighs softly. "I know you, Dallas. You didn't do it to hurt her. If anything, I'm sure you were looking to make yourself hurt, but never anyone else. You're good and kind."

"I'm a trainwreck," I say, not for pity or the sake of argument. It's just true.

"What are you going to do?"

"I don't know," I answer honestly. Somehow, I don't see Colt just going away. "She doesn't want me involved."

"Her brother seemed pretty damn involved." He mirrors my own thoughts.

"Well, he doesn't have a choice. She's the mother. If she doesn't want me, and she shouldn't, then he has no say."

Benny doesn't look so certain, but he doesn't argue with me. He gracefully lets me live in my delusion for a little bit longer.

And I'm grateful because I know the shitstorm is still coming.

No doubt in my mind.