Chapter 6

Iwatch Lucy when she doesn't think I'm looking. I watch the precise movements of her fingers when they turn a page of her book. I watch the way the corners of her lips start to curve up as she reads, but she bites her lower one to keep herself from smiling. I watch her sheer absorbancein the story and wonder what she's thinking as her eyes fly across the pages. Maybe I'm bored. Maybe I'm curious about the person she's become since we graduated. Whatever it is, I'm noticing things about her I never did before, like the way her gold jewelry all matches perfectly or the tiny heart tattoo on the inside of her wrist, just barely visible against the darkness of her skin in the shadows. I can't explain it, but she seems more human to me than she ever has before, and I'm not sure how to feel about it.

She looks up, and I don't have time to avert my gaze before she catches me staring. I'm like a kid with my hand stuck in the cookie jar.

"What?" she asks, a crease appearing between her brows that sort of matches the dimples that indent in her cheeks when she frowns. She reaches up and brushes her hand under her eyes and over her chin. "Do I have something on my face?"

I clear my throat and do my best to be nonchalant. "No, no, you're good. I was just kind of...zoning out. My bad."

Still looking terribly confused, she seems to take my excuse at face value and goes back to her reading. I let out a short breath of relief. I didn't want to have to explain that I was zoning out thinking about her.

It"s worrying how easily her words have invaded my mind. It's not so much because she's the one who said them, but because of the implication of them. I think about my sisters. How Iris used to come home crying because boys at school were pulling her hair. Or how Lila sometimes becomes so anxious about school that she gets physically ill and people think she's faking it. Or how my father once patted Betty's head and laughed when she said she wanted to be a soccer player when she grew up.

Lucy's words ring in my ears. It sucked Noah. I already found it hard to connect with people, and you made that worse.

I was an ass. I was a total ass to her. I realize now how much I fucked up in college, I wanted to fit in and be liked, and because of that, I hurt someone. Someone who really doesn't seem so bad. Yeah, she's a little fiery and stubborn as hell, but we all have our quirks.

I don't know what to think, and I don't know what to think about Lucy—notanymore. All I know is that hating her suddenly isn't as easy as it was two hours ago.

"Noah, seriously, stop looking at me."

Shit.

Lucy's eying me wearily. Her coy glances secretly thrill me. I don't know what's the matter with me.

"I didn't mean to make your life harder," I blurt out without even thinking. I say it because it feels right. Or because I want to ease the gaping pit of guilt in my stomach. "I mean it when I say I never purposely gave you a hard time because you're a girl, but I guess I made an already shitty hand worse, and I'm sorry about that. I'm not sorry for anything I said, 'cause I still think all of it is true, but I'm sorry if I made you feel like your opinion doesn't matter. It does matter, even if I don't necessarily agree with it. You're smart Luce, really smart. You were one of the hardest people to debate against and people were intimidated by that, me included."

Lucy stares at me for a long time. Fear festers in my chest, but I hold her gaze. At some point, it begins to feel like a contest. The person to break eye contact first loses.

Her pursed lips clamp down tightly and sharpen her jaw like a knife. Although she looks sort of…angry, I don't know what I've said wrong.

"It"s not your place to apologize for society"s treatment of women," she finally says, her voice steady but tinged with a quiet intensity. "I appreciate that you"re trying to make amends, but the hurt you caused me and the other women in that class runs deep. It"s not something that can be easily forgotten or brushed aside."

She takes a deep breath, her voice growing angrier. "Noah, I don"t need your pity or your sudden realization of the challenges women face. The damage you've inflicted upon me and every single girl in that class who heard me being belittled and laughed at every day is permanent. You can't fix that. I'm not a damsel, and you're not a hero. Your apology is too late. I do not accept it." She meets my gaze and sparks of fury light her eyes.

Jesus. My throat tightens, and I feel a burning sensation in my cheeks. I shake my head slowly, then faster and faster and faster.

"God, I don't understand you!" I cry out, flinging my hands in the air. "I was just trying to do the right thing. Jesus Christ, Lucy, is it such a crime to say that I'm sorry? I really don't know what you want from me. You go off on this giant tangent about how I've personally wronged each and every woman in existence, and then you want to get mad when I apologize? What do you wantme to say?"

"I don't want you to say anything!" She straightens up tall against her seat, her hair frizzing out around her head. I think if she snaps, a bolt of lightning will strike me down.

I almost wish it would.

"It's not my job to sit here and educate you," she continues. "I don't owe you a thing. I feel how I feel, and you feel how you feel. That's that. Nothing I say can change it. And I promise, nothing you say will change it. Let's just do us both a favor and leave it at that."

I swallow thickly. Against my best judgment, I'm mad. At myself, at her, I don't know anymore.

How hypocritical. She gets offended when I say her name like I know her, then she turns around and makes assumptions about me like she knows anything about my life.

"For someone who isn't a damsel, you sure do love to play the victim, don't you?" I shoot back despite every voice in my head screaming at me not to. "As much as I ‘belittled and laughed' at you, you did the same to me twofold. How many times did you call me ignorant and clueless in front of the whole class? I believe your exact words once were ‘a brainless tool who wouldn't know a good piece of classic literature if it was written on the back of his hand.' Isn't that right? And then the very next day you reported me to the dean for harassment and got me kicked out of the class. I had to pay an extra six-hundred dollars to retake the course. Do you think that was fair?"

"I think I did what I had to do," she snaps. "You made my life hell, and you know it. You started most of the fights and you had your clique to back you up. Life isn't fair, Noah. You should've figured that out a long time ago."

I can't let her win. I can't let her get away with it. If she thinks me not being able to afford groceries for an entire two months to pay for that extra course is some kind of acceptable punishment for bickering with her in class, she has another thing coming.

I open my mouth to speak, but before I can even get a syllable out, a man in front of us turns around with a harsh glare.

"Leave the lover's quarrel at home," he grumbles. "This is not the time or place to be screaming at one another."

My face heats up. Lucy looks equally sheepish. I suppose neither of us realized how loud we were being. I take note of how quiet Lucy apparently becomes when she's embarrassed and decide to use it in my favor.

"Sorry," I apologize to the man, throwing an arm around Lucy's shoulders. She immediately tenses up, and I knowI'm going to be in big trouble for this one. "You know how it is this time of year. Christmas is right around the corner, and my wife's been talking with her mother, making plans for travel and such. I guess she's picked up on some of that nonsense her mom's always spewing. Apologies, though, sir. We'll keep it down."

The man gives us a once over, his lips pulled into a frown, and nods shortly. He turns back around, and as soon as no more eyes are on us, Lucy shoves me off of her and stares at me with a rage like no other.

"If you think I would ever marry a selfish pig like you, you're delusional," she whisper-hisses.

I smirk at her and chuckle. "Yeah, and if you think I'd ever marry a psychotic extremist like you, you need to up your meds, babe."

Lucy's glare darkens as she leans closer, and I know I'm in for it. Her subtle sweet scent goes straight to my head, leaving me unable to think straight for a moment. Is that vanilla?

Luckily, just as she's about to tear into me, the static of an announcement over the loudspeakers distracts her.

"Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, ladies and gentlemen, but we've just received word that we're grounded for the foreseeable future. It's looking like the weather won't be clearing up until tomorrow at the very earliest. Not to worry, though. We're gonna get y'all off this plane and there will be escorts waiting to charter everyone to a hotel nearby for the night, which will be taken care of by the airline. I'm terribly sorry for the inconvenience."

My heart falls into my stomach.

After all of the effort, all I've endured, I'm still going to miss my job interview.

I'm starting to become convinced that maybe I am the worst person in the entire world. Maybe Lucy is right. That's the only explanation for what I could have done to deserve this.

Tears brim at my eyes out of the anger, frustration, and heartbreak I'm once again experiencing. I bury my face in my hands and let my fingers get tangled in my hair, remaining grounded only by the vaguely painful tugs of my nails catching against my scalp.

"Noah?" I hear Lucy ask quietly, "It's not so bad, they'll get us on another flight tomorrow and whatever it is that you're travelling for I'm sure-"

I'm at the end of my rope.

"Whatever it is...?!" I snap to look up at her, my teeth bared. "You've got no idea what is happening in my life. You said it yourself - we don't know each other." I spit the words out, knowing I"ll regret them later but unable to stop. "Isn't this what you wanted? My karmic freakin' payback for being a shitty person? Well, you got it, Lucy. I got my punishment. I'm gonna miss my interview and be stuck at both of my dead-end jobs for the rest of my life. I'll work seventy hours a week until my heart gives out. It probably still won't be enough, though. Because even now, I'm barely making ends meet. My family's gonna lose their house again. My sisters are gonna go to school in tattered clothes and be bullied just like I was, no matter how hard I work to make it different for them. I'm gonna starve because I can't afford groceries and student loan payments, but it doesn't really matter anyway because my credit is already shot to hell, and the only place that will rent to me is a crappy, mold-infested shithole downtown. So, hey—" I laugh sardonically and throw my hands in the air—"at least I'll probably win a lawsuit against our crap city when I become too sick to work anymore someday."

Lucy's eyes soften.

"I-I obviously don't want that…" she stammers.

Suddenly, I get it now. I understand her anger when I tried to apologize. It's infuriating to see her look at me like that. Pitying me.

I don't want your pity, Lucy.

I'd rather listen to her scream at me for hours on end than have her looking at me like this for another second. In one swift motion, I unbuckle my seatbelt and push myself out of my seat. I start down the narrow walkway, and I hear her call after me. Some primal instinct makes me freeze, but I don't turn around to look at her sat in the seat. I can't. My chest heaves like I've just run a marathon.

A flood of guilt fills me from the outburst but my throat is tight and I can't find the words to apologize.

I wait for her to say something—anything. I wait for her to pick a fight or call me a loser or laugh at me, but she doesn't make a sound.

My breath rattles, and I take off, my knees wobbling beneath me.