Chapter 14

She's so close to me. I think that if I listen hard enough, I could hear her heartbeat thumping beneath the tank top that hugs her just right. I can smell her perfume. I can feel the warmth of her body brushing up against my arm.

I suggested we watch a movie when she began to get tired of me talking (and I kind of ran out of things to say), but never in a million years did I imagine that, somehow, we would move closer and closer together on the lumpy, hotel couch until our legs were brushing together, like a cruel taunt.

I'm not even aware of what's playing on the TV anymore. I can't focus on anything but Lucy—her scent, her body, her presence. I'm aware of every time she laughs or sighs or hums or breathes.

It's absolutely miserable.

I can't do this. I have to repeat the same thing to myself over and over again, hoping that maybe it might finally sink in.

She's not mine to want, she's not mine to want, she's not mine to want, she's not?—

Nope. Still want her.

I quickly stand, startling Lucy. She looks up at me, disgruntled.

I have no explanation to offer her. I stand there at a loss for words like an idiot for much longer than I should before I finally stutter my way through an excuse. "I gotta go make a call. Be right back."

Lucy starts to speak, but I rush into the bedroom before she has a chance to get a word out.

So cool, I know.

I collapse onto the bed and let my back sink into the mattress. How strange to think that twenty-four hours ago, I had no idea just how up close and personal Lucy and I would be getting with this duvet. It's incredible, really, how fast things can change. Lucy would know better than anyone, considering she changes her mind about me in the blink of an eye. I'm convinced she has a Magic 8 Ball hidden somewhere in her bag that's making all of her decisions for her. It's the only rational explanation for her behavior.

I figure that, since I lied through my teeth to catch my breath away from Lucy, I may as well call home and check on things. At least then I'll have a believable story to feed to Lucy when she inevitably drills me over my strange exit.

It's nearly dinner time, which means my father will just be leaving for work, and hopefully Lila and Iris will be back from afterschool art club.

I dial my mom's number. She's quick to answer, but I can hear running water and background chatter, so she's almost certainly busy—but then again, she always is. "Hey there, sweetie!"

I smile at the familiar voice. I can hear muffled chaos somewhere nearby, most likely Lila and Betty bickering about something silly. "Hey, Mom. I'm not interrupting anything, am I?"

"Oh, no, not at all!" Her voice fades as she moves away from the phone and I can hear her amusedly scold through a laugh. "Girls, please, be civilized! Your brother is on the phone."

The excited chattering of the girls grows closer as my mother returns to the call.

"Sorry, hon. Your sisters were just having a very heated discussion on which side of their dessert is bigger. Apparently, the jury is still out."

I want to be there. More than anything. It's almost as if I can smell the scent of my mom's freshly baked chocolate chip cookies through the phone. I can picture the kids sitting around the kitchen table, putting off their homework for as long as possible and giggling over things that are so terribly important to little girls—crushes, bands, elementary school gossip.

"The jury being Iris, right?" I ask.

"Of course." My mother chuckles, and I can hear the vague sound of dishes clattering in the sink. She's probably balancing her phone between her shoulder and cheek, making time to talk to me even as she's working tirelessly to get chores done after a long shift. I try not to dwell on how difficult things have surely gotten for her since I moved out. The thought of it is nauseating.

"Any update on your flight?" she inquires. "I thought for sure they'd get you to Maryland by now."

I sigh, depressed by the mere mention of my banishment to Charlotte, North Carolina. "They say tomorrow morning, and I hope to God that they mean it. I got my interview rescheduled for the afternoon, and I don't think they'll be inclined to give me another chance after that."

"Oh, Noah, I'm sorry." My mom hums sadly. "I know how badly you want this job. It was—Betty!" There's rummaging, then my youngest sister"s voice comes in loud and clear. She's stolen my mother's phone, I deduce with a grin.

"Maybe she's sorry about your job, Noah, but I'm not. I don't want you to move away. You belong here."

I swallow thickly. I don't think I can handle this right now. She'll send me right over the edge, every unpleasant emotion I've been shoving down simmering together in a stew of anxiety until they explode.

"Betts, please?—"

"No. You're not allowed to leave us. I'll never forgive you for it."

I'm doing this for you, I want to scream. All of it is for you.

I keep my lips tightly closed. She can"t understand without knowing the entire truth, but the truth will break her heart. She's too young to know that kind of pain.

To my relief, my mother's voice shortly returns to the call. "Oh, I'm so sorry, Noah. I don't know why she—" She exhales heavily, with a sort of weight to it that only years of exhaustion can bring. "I sent the girls to their room, and I promise I'll talk with Betty about this later. Are you alright?"

No, not even close.

"It's fine, Mama. I'm fine."

"Noah—"

"I gotta go," I interrupt. "I'll call you later, alright?"

"Noah, please…"

My mother begging is a pain unlike any other. I know it's my job to ease her worries, but I've been selfless enough this week. I deserve to be selfish for once. "Bye, Mom."

I hang up and immediately feel my lungs tightening. I managed to put it off for my family's sake, but the impending doom is crushing me now. I can't fight it anymore.

I breathe in and out, but it's getting harder and harder with each desperate gasp. A cruel voice is screaming in my head.

Failure, disappointment, letdown.

I've spent the last six years of my life trying to fix everything. I didn't get to be a normal kid. I didn't get to have a high school graduation because I was dealing with family drama. I didn't get to follow my dreams because dreams don't pay bills. And I didn't even care because I knew stepping up to help my family was what I was meant for.

But now I'm not so sure anymore, it feels like no matter how hard I try it's a losing battle.

And the thought of it all being for nothing feels like a stack of bricks crashing down and trapping me inside. I'm suffocating. My vision is blurry. I'm expendable.

"Noah?" Her voice is a million miles away. For a moment, I think I've imagined it.

Then I feel a warm touch on my shoulder. I smell vanilla perfume.

I look up and Lucy is really there. She's sitting next to me on the bed, rubbing soothing circles on the skin of my arm and murmuring quiet reassurances that are just barely making it through the static in my brain.

Looking up at her, all I see is her fingers clawing into my back. Her jaw clenched in euphoric agony. Her body hot against mine. I can feel the pure, unbridled delight that coursed through my veins every second my fingers were on her. I crave to have it again.

In one swift motion, I sit up and press my lips to hers. She melts into the contact and for the sweetest second, I think maybe she finally wants me. But then she crushes every hope by pushing me away. She closes her eyes and chews anxiously at her bottom lip, silent for entirely too long.

I can feel my heartbeat pounding throughout my entire body. My skin burns, almost painfully so, and I want nothing more than comfort. But it doesn't come. Not now, not ever.

Lucy climbs off the bed and starts to wordlessly leave, but pauses just before she reaches the door and turns around, her voice thick with emotion.

"I don't owe you any explanation, and I'm not going to fight you anymore. If you need a reason why, I'll give you a reason why, Noah, but this is it. No more staring at the back of my head, no more reminiscing about college, no more trying to pretend this is something that it isn't." She stares at me with the kind of pure agony that no one should feel. Then, she smiles with tears filling up over her lash line and glazing over her eyes. And, somehow, it's even more painful than the stare.

"I was…betrayed. By the person I loved most. And, I just…I don't think I am capable of ever loving again." Her lip quivers and the blood begins coursing around my veins.

I lower my voice, keeping it steady. "Who did this to you?"

She takes a deep breath in and hesitates. She stares into nothing.

"I met this boy in high school. Jace. All of the girls said he was so cute. He was so popular, though. I never even thought he would look at me. But then my best friend, Amy, called me one night and said that Stephen A. heard from his girlfriend, who heard from her brother, who heard from Jace's best friend, that he liked me." She laughs wetly. "It was all so ridiculous, but it was fun. He was fun. He talked a lot, which I liked. I didn't notice until it was too late that he spent so much time talking that he didn't spend any time listening. I loved him, though. More than I ever thought possible. It was all so very cliché. He was the first thing I thought about when I woke up and the last thing I thought about before I went to sleep. Everyone told me it wouldn't last, but time kept ticking by and I began to plan a future with him. He didn't have the grades to get into the college we'd always talked about, so I attended my freshman year at the community college down the street from his house so we wouldn't be separated." She pauses. "That was the first time he cheated on me. I forgave him almost immediately because I thought for sure that he could change. Then it happened again. And again. And soon, we're twenty-four-years-old, and I come home to find him and Amy, together in our bed. After everything, they chose to give it all up for one selfish moment of pleasure, and I couldn't even be mad because I knew he'd do it. I knew he'd turn that boyish charm on to get anything he wanted because that's how he got me. That's how he kept me. He'd smile, and everything would be alright. Until it wasn't." She smiles, and a tear slips down her cheek, leaving a heartbreaking trail of moisture along her skin that she is quick to wipe away. "Do you get it, Noah? I can't do it again." The crack in her voice makes my fists clench and my stomach roil. I want to hunt down the asshole who treated her like this. "I'm not falling for a sweet smile because smiles lie. How could I possibly trust you when I don't have any trust left to give?"

I try to find the words to say, but my brain fails me. All I can do is gape at her.

She watches me and I can see the desperation fade from her eyes as more time passes without me saying anything. The sharp tension in her body seeps away and her shoulders slump down.

I don"t have any excuses left this time. Not confusion, not anger, not fear. Nothing I say can fix it. I"ve tried again and again to patch it all back together, but with every failed attempt, all I"ve done is make it worse. I"ve pressured her and idealized her until she snapped under it all.

I am the biggest jackass in the world.

I don"t think I"ve done a single thing right since I saw Lucy on that plane. But now, as I sit here in the silence of the hotel room, a realization dawns on me. Lucy needs more than what I can give her right now. She needs stability, reliability, someone who can be her rock through the ups and downs of life.

And as much as it pains me to admit it, I"m not that person. Not yet, anyway. I"m still trying to figure out my own life, still stumbling through the challenges of adulthood. How can I be the steady presence she needs when I"m barely keeping my own head above water?

It"s time for me to make a decision, not for myself, but for her. I have to let her go, to give her the chance to find someone who can be everything she deserves. Even if it means breaking my own heart in the process.

I stand up, checking my pockets to make sure I have my wallet and phone on me. I take a deep breath, steeling myself for what I"m about to do.

"You know what? Yeah—" I say, my voice sounding hollow even to my own ears. "You"re right. Last night was a huge mistake."

I walk past her, keeping my gaze fixed straight ahead. I can"t bear to see the look on her face, to witness the pain I know I"m causing her.

But this is the right thing to do. It"s my turn to make the difficult choices, to be the bad guy, even if it means sacrificing my own happiness.

Because in the end, all that matters is that Lucy finds the love and support she deserves. Even if it"s not with me.