Chapter 5

5

Ethan

My brother, Hayden, spins Olivia on the dancefloor while I walk to Callan who's standing a little away from the dancing, talking with a friend. Their conversation wraps up fast and as his friend walks away, my brother eyes me. "You came home."

This is the first chance we've had to talk alone since I arrived and it's safe to say it won't be the easiest conversation we've ever had. I left the States fifteen months ago after we had a fallout and we've spoken less than five times since then. Callan's not only my brother but also my best friend and I never imagined we'd ever go this long without seeing each other.

"You knew I would."

His expression tells me he had his doubts. "Liv knew you would. All I knew was that you've shut me out for over a year and I wouldn't have been surprised if you canceled on me." He doesn't sound bitter, just hurt.

"There's no way I'd miss your wedding day." I release a long breath. "I know I've let you down, and I know we've got a lot to work through, but can we let all that go for today so we can celebrate the fact you're a married man now?"

It's a weird fucking place to be when I can't read my brother's mind anymore. Callan and I were inseparable our entire lives up until our mid-twenties. We always knew what the other was doing and thinking. I was the idiot who let a woman come between us and I fucked everything up.

He takes a few moments contemplating what I said, and just when I wonder if he's not going to run with me here, he nods. "Yeah, I don't want to get into it tonight." He looks at his wife who's laughing with Hayden and Gage now. "You were right."

"I'm always right."

He arches a brow at me. "You're rarely fucking right."

I grin. "What was I right about this time?"

"I would have given highlining up for her if that's what she needed. Growing old without her isn't something I ever want to do."

He's referring to one of the only conversations we've had since I left. The one in which I told him to think about whether he'd be happy as an old man who'd had a lifetime of highlining but not a lifetime of Olivia. "You would have gotten to that decision without me."

"Maybe. Probably. But I don't ever want to be in that position again where I don't have you to talk to." He glances at Olivia once more, for a brief moment, before fixing his gaze back on me. "Don't ever cut me out again, Ethan."

Callan isn't the kind of guy who wears his heart on his sleeve. With Olivia, yes, but not with anyone else. He doesn't ask for help or admit he needs it. For him to be so raw with me right now is telling.

"I don't plan on it."

Olivia's laugh draws our attention and we find her coming our way. She slides her arm around Callan's waist when she reaches us and pulls his mouth to hers for a kiss before looking at me and asking, "Who did you pay to write that speech? It was a ten out of ten from me and I don't recall any of your essays in school ever being that good."

I chuckle. "Fiverr came through for me this one time."

She laughs. "It was beautiful. Thank you."

"I enjoyed going through our memories. It helped remind me of the things I'd left behind. Things I don't want to leave behind anymore."

Her eyes soften. "I'm glad. And please tell me this means you're not traipsing off to another country any time soon."

"I'm staying, Liv." I look at my brother. "I've got relationships to mend."

"Speaking of relationships that need mending," she says, looking past me. "I know your mom has been waiting patiently for today. She's missed you, Ethan."

I follow her gaze and find my mother watching me. Hesitation clings to her. It's just as familiar to me. Mom and I have never had a close relationship.

Looking back at Callan and Olivia, I say, "Go dance. And prepare to lose that karaoke battle. I think I'm going to win tonight."

Olivia rolls her eyes. "Seriously, I thought you'd know by now that you can't sing to save yourself."

I smirk. "It's not my talent that's going to win me this battle."

Olivia's eyes go wide. "Oh my god, no. That's cheating if you drag a professional singer up on that stage with you."

I shrug. "A man's gotta use every tool at his fingertips."

Callan laughs and pulls his wife close. "Come on, Ace. It's time to shake your ass for me."

I can't help but think how fucking perfect they are for each other as I watch them walk to the dancefloor. Olivia's talking his ear off and if I had to bet, I'd say she's going over her strategy for winning the karaoke competition tonight. She's always got a strategy when it comes to karaoke.

"Ethan." Mom interrupts my thoughts when she joins me.

I pull her in for a hug. "Mom."

She wraps her arms around me tightly and it feels like she doesn't want to let go, which is unusual because I've never felt this from her before.

"You look well," she says when she finally pulls away.

"I'm really well. How are you?"

"I'm good. Happy you're home. Are you planning on staying or will you be heading back to Europe after the wedding?"

We're as stilted as we always have been, our conversation shaping up to be another unremarkable exchange. Just one more in a long line of the same with her.

It's always the usual back and forth between us. How are you? What have you been up to? I've always craved so much more. I gave up on a deeper relationship with Mom a long time ago, though, so none of this is unexpected.

"I'll be staying. I've just sold my company, so it's time to figure out what's next."

Surprise fills her face. She's the first in the family to hear my news. "Are you happy about this? What are you thinking you might do?"

"Yeah, it's what I wanted, but I'm unsure of what's next. At the moment, I'm just happy to have time for photography again."

"I hope you take all the time figuring it out, Ethan." She touches my arm. "And I hope that whatever you choose to do keeps making you happy. You deserve that."

I don't get much of a chance to think about what she's said before my father joins us. He regards me with scrutiny like he always does. "Son. It's good to have you home."

Somehow, I manage not to call bullshit. The last thing my father said to me before I left New York was, "I've never been so fucking disappointed in one of my sons. I gave you everything you needed to succeed and still you screwed it all up. I can't look at you like this, Ethan, and I don't want to. Not until you sort yourself out." He hasn't called me since I've been gone. A few texts, sure, but tapping out a message takes very little compared to making the time for an actual conversation. A phone call, in my opinion, means so much more.

"He's staying after the wedding," Mom informs him and fuck if an entire lifetime of Mom managing Dad and me doesn't flash before my eyes.

"I can speak for myself, Mom."

She flinches.

"Ethan." Dad's admonishment is sharp. The look in his eyes sharper.

"No." Mom gives a quick shake of her head to Dad. Then, to me, she says, "You're right. You can. I'm sorry."

"I heard that you were courting an offer for your company," Dad says. Nothing gets by the old man. He's got eyes and ears everywhere.

"I signed the contract just before I flew out of Paris."

"And what do you plan on doing with your time now?"

And there it is. His silent judgment. My father has always taken issue with my choices in life. Not even developing and managing a billion-dollar app was good enough for him.

"I have no plans yet."

Mom steps in again. "There's no hurry to figure it out."

Dad's expression would say otherwise but he doesn't get into it with me. Instead, he allows Mom to direct the conversation away from business talk. She wants to nail down our next family weekend away, so we chat about possible dates for that and where I'd like to go.

Blair ends up dragging Mom away to help her get everyone ready for the cake cutting. After she leaves, Dad eyes me. "Will you be seeing Samantha now that you're home?"

Fuck.

"We're long over, Dad."

"You forget I was the one who found you after she destroyed you. And that I saw how intent you were on chasing her even after what she did."

"That was nearly a year and a half ago. A lot's happened since then."

He nods at the table where Madeline is sitting. "She's what's happened?"

I clench my jaw at his patronizing tone. "Tell me, what's it going to take for you to stop treating me like I'm a fucking idiot?"

"You're not an idiot, Ethan, but you make questionable choices at times. My job as your father is to help you."

"No, Dad, your job as my father is to love me. That's it. I'm an adult and can ask for your help if I need it, and right now, I don't need it or want it."

"I'm not convinced. You skipped Bradford's wedding and now you've turned up to Callan's with a woman who skipped her own wedding to come to this one. For once, I'd like to see you with a woman who has some sense about her. And I'd like to know that you know where you're heading in life. I'll sleep a hell of a lot easier at night once you've got those things in order."

His mention of Bradford's wedding infuriates me. I step closer, getting in his space as all my anger and hurt over the shit he's pulled on our family throughout our lives pushes me closer to the edge of snapping. "I didn't come home for Bradford's wedding because I didn't want to ruin it for him. Because I fucking would have if I'd had to look at you then. You think I'm a fuck-up? At least I know how to be faithful to a woman and love her well. You're the fuck-up, Dad, and you screwed your entire family over with the choices you made. Don't ever talk to me about my choices again."

With that, I stalk away from him before I ruin Callan's wedding. I leave the room and head for the escalator to take me downstairs. I need some fresh air and a whole lot of distance from my father.

I spend fifteen minutes out on the sidewalk, people-watching. It's something I've always done. As a child, it allowed me to escape my own life and imagine someone else's. As an adult, I think about the angles I'd photograph people from to find their unguarded self. To find their candid, unglamorous truth. I'm always looking for human rawness in its purest form. And while photographing people was once my job, I'm almost certain it was therapy for me. Liberating another person of the mask they wear for the world helped me find the kind of connection I've always needed. It helped me know I'm not alone in a fucking lonely world.

Tonight, all I can manage is a brief escape and to shake some of my father off. If it wasn't for Callan and Liv, I'd leave so I didn't have to see Dad again.

I go back inside and weave my way to the table where Maddie's still sitting.

She finds my eyes as I take the seat next to her. "Something's happened. I'm not sure what, but Olivia seems worried."

My brows pull together as I search the room for my sister-in-law. "I'll be back," I say when I spot her at the corner of the dancefloor with Callan, Mom, and her parents.

It turns out Olivia is worried. Her father collapsed while dancing. He's conscious but complaining of chest pain.

"We've called the paramedics," Callan informs me, his face creased with concern. "And we're going to take Liv's mother to the hospital."

"Do you need me to do anything?"

"No. Hayden will make an announcement after we leave. He'll sort everything out."

"Fuck. I'm sorry, Cal."

He scrubs his hand down his face as his attention turns to his wife. "Yeah."

I let him go and watch as Olivia grips his arm when he reaches her. I'm glad she's got him to support her through this.

"The reception is over," I tell Maddie when I take the seat next to her again. I fill her in on what's happened and then ask, "Did you call your family?"

"I called my assistant."

Interesting choice to call your assistant rather than a family member or friend. It makes me wonder about her family. I don't touch that, though, because if there's something I understand, it's fractured relationships. "And?"

Her shoulders lift and then drop as she takes a deep breath. "And I've got a mess to clean up."

From the few facts I gleaned from Sasha earlier, that was a given. But not the information I'm after. "Do you have somewhere to go tonight?"

If I had to bottle and label Maddie's visible response to that question it would be named Adrift. Uncertainty and vulnerability blaze from her, but more than that, she seems lost. And after she gives a quick shake of her head and swallows hard, I offer her an anchor for the night.

"I have a spare bed if you want it." When her eyes widen a little and she doesn't respond, I add, "I'll stay at a hotel if you'd feel safer being there alone." She doesn't know me, and who knows what she's been through in life. Staying with a stranger wouldn't be the safest choice to make.

"No, I'm not worried about that. I'm just…I'm overwhelmed by your kindness. No one has ever been so generous with me." She pauses before saying softly, "Thank you."

"So that's a yes to staying at my place?"

"Yes. And I have another favor to ask?"

"I shudder to think what I'm about to agree to."

Her smile lights up her face. "You're fun, Ethan, but I promise not to make you go along with any more wild antics. I just want to ask if I can give your address to my assistant so she can have my things brought to me."

I give her my address to send to her assistant, along with my phone so she can send that text. I then say goodbye to my family and lead Maddie out to the sidewalk where George collects us.

After Maddie asks George how he went with returning the puppy to her owners (he had success), she and I settle into an easy conversation about Callan's wedding. We've just discussed the fun vibe of it when Maddie's expression turns serious and she says, "I saw you talking with your father. It didn't look like an easy conversation. And if you don't want to talk about this, I totally understand, but sometimes I think it's easier to talk to a stranger about hard things than to people we know."

That's been my experience in life too. After a quick glance out the window at the passing cars, I turn back to her. "Dad and I have always struggled. I'm not like my brothers. I've never wanted the things he's encouraged in all of us and this has caused problems between Dad and me."

"What kinds of things?"

"They've pursued wealth, power, success. I just want something simpler."

"You don't want any of those things? I mean, it looks to me like you already have wealth."

"Yeah, I sound like an entitled asshole. I get it. I have all those things. But I didn't go searching for them."

Her smile is gentle. "What did you go searching for?"

"People. Honesty. Conversation." I pause, taking in the way she's watching me closely. "I went searching for the threads that hold us together, which isn't something I could ever say to my father and have him understand."

Maddie is quiet for a long moment before finally saying, "I understand what you're saying. People think I write songs and sing them for the fame and fortune, but I don't. I write them because I'm trying to make sense of people and love. Of how we connect and disconnect. Of the pleasure and pain love brings."

I turn my body so I'm facing her. "Do your parents understand that?"

A bolt of sadness streaks across her face. "My parents aren't alive. But if they were, they'd understand." She smiles, her sadness ebbing away. "My father wrote songs. And my mother had the kind of depth I don't come across often."

"I wish I could say the same about my mother."

"You're not close with her?"

"No."

"Where did you get your depth from if not from your parents?"

I smile. "That's an unusual compliment." Not once in my life, has a woman expressed a similar sentiment.

"It's also a genuine question."

And not one I've ever been asked or had to contemplate the answer to. "If I had to guess, I'd say it comes from a longing to be known."

Maddie nods slowly like she's thinking about the fact every word I just uttered was pulled from my soul. From my bones. And I have no fucking clue how I know that's what she's thinking, but I'm surer of that than I've been of anything in a long while.

"You just want to be seen," she echoes softly.

I hold her stare while I think about the fucking mysterious ways of the universe. Of all the days and all the ways to meet someone. "Yeah. Isn't that what everyone wants?"

"Yes, but I don't know anyone who actually thinks about this, let alone talks about it. Everyone's so busy trying, trying, trying. To fit in. To reach for more. To be more. All the while not having a clue why. We never put words to our real why and so we just keep on striving for things we maybe don't even want."

Fuck, I wish we had more than one night for this conversation. Since we don't, and since we'll likely never see each other again, I cut straight to the question I'd love to know the answer to. "When you said you tried to make it work with your fiancé because you didn't want to upset people, who were you referring to if not your parents?"

"I was engaged to Tucker Brandt. Have you heard of him?"

"No."

"God, it cannot be stated enough just how much I like that." She exhales a breath and I get the impression she's got a great deal of heaviness to discard over her ex. "Tucker is the biggest selling country singer in the world. Has been for years. I met him when I was sent to write a song with him, and the rest is history. The—"

"When you say, ‘the rest', I'm gonna need you to fill those details in."

"Let's just say it was a whirlwind romance. I was living with him five weeks after we met." At my surprised expression, she makes wide eyes at me and says, "I know. Dumb."

"No, not dumb. That's not what I'm thinking." I shrug. "The heart wants what the heart wants, Maddie. Fuck anyone who tries to make you feel stupid for following it."

"Yeah, but even you just looked shocked at the fact I shacked up with him so fast."

"Not shocked. Surprised, yes, but only because it's a rare occasion I meet someone like me."

"What?" Now, she's surprised. "You've done something like that too?"

I laugh. "My entire life has been one long succession of following my heart and getting it banged the fuck up."

Maddie appears amazed at my admission. But there's also some disbelief mixed in there. "Right, but have you ever moved in with someone five weeks after meeting them and then practically signed your life over to them?"

My grin meets my ears. "If this is a competition, you're going to be sadly disappointed when I win."

Her grin matches mine. "Show me what you've got."

"I moved my second girlfriend out of her place that she shared with a guy who abused her and let her stay with me. We'd met the night before in a bar. No sex, nothing, just her crying on my shoulder about her boyfriend. She lived with me for just over a year, and in that time I gave her not only my heart but also my car, whatever cash she wanted, and one of my closest friends. My next girlfriend—"

"Wait." Maddie holds up her hand to stop me. "When you say you gave her a friend, do you mean she left you for them?"

"She cheated on me with him for most of our relationship."

Her face darkens. "Assholes."

"I thought so."

"Okay, your next girlfriend."

"Brianna. She moved herself in after our fourth date. Tried to convince me to get her pregnant. We were twenty-year-old kids and I was crazy blind in love. It's a wonder you're not looking at a father of an eight-year-old child."

A laugh bubbles out of her. "Maybe you will win."

My mood shifts from fun to something darker as I think about sharing something I've waged a war with myself over for the last year and a half. "My last girlfriend stole half a mil from me before leaving me. That was after two years of slowly coming between me and my brothers to the point that when Callan tried to talk sense into me, I chose her over him. The truly fucked-up thing is that I would have forgiven her and given her more if she'd asked for it. So, yeah, I've practically signed my life over to someone else. You and I have that in common."

Maddie is quiet for a moment. Then, she cracks her heart open and gives me her unglamourous truth. "I was going to marry Tucker today because I didn't want to rock the boat with my management or the people who took a risk on me when they gave me my career." Her voice turns to an almost-whisper when she adds, "I didn't want to upset them or my fans because I fear losing that career. And I don't know what kind of person that makes me, Ethan. To think I could marry someone to keep a career."

"It makes you human."

"It makes me someone I never imagined becoming and I'm not sure what to do with that."

I reach for her hand to get her full attention again because she's drifted from me a little, deep in her pain. "I know that feeling all too well, and the best advice I can give you is to take some time away so you can start to hear yourself again. Fuck knows the world will tell you how you should think about yourself if you let it." I pause. "Don't let it, Maddie. Go away. Be by yourself. And here's something to think about: that career you think those people and those fans gave you? I call bullshit. They gave you a chance. You gave yourself what you have now and no matter what happens, your heart and talent hasn't gone anywhere. Don't ever forget that."

Her fingers tighten around mine. "Thank you for saying that. I hope I can be brave enough to do something with your advice."

Her last truth she shares touches the chaos inside me. There's something about another human admitting their struggle that helps me get good with my own battles in life. And tonight, I really fucking needed this.