39. Seb

39

Seb

Attending a wedding when you’re heartbroken is not a good idea.

Because it turns out that love is everywhere.

Love is threaded through the laughter of both grooms when Tim reaches Jamie at the altar on the grass lawn. It shines in the hug Tim’s daughter gives Jamie. It’s embedded in every word of the personal vows Tim and Jamie share as they stand in the sunshine, smiling at each other.

A familiar ache settles in my chest.

This will never be me.

I will never stand at the altar and pledge my life to the man I love.

As the celebrant declares Tim and Jamie husband and husband, and they kiss, I pretend the tears prickling my eyes are sentiment rather than desperate longing.

When they break apart and give each other radiant, dazzling smiles, a thought slides into my head.

Did I give up too easily?

Things seemed so black and white at the time. Marcus and I were making each other unhappy. We were like two stars locked in each other’s gravitational pull, destined to destroy each other.

I wanted more than he could ever give me.

But now, watching Tim and Jamie…knowing exactly how much they had to overcome to get here…doubt creeps into my mind.

Because if it’s possible for Tim and Jamie, after going through the most unimaginable thing possible, to reach the stage where they’re both standing there grinning like they’re the luckiest guys on earth, then maybe… Maybe the issues between Marcus and me aren’t as insurmountable as I once believed.

I know from Saskia that Marcus has been to rehab. He’s been sober for over a year now.

I’m so proud of him. I’ve been itching to send him a message to let him know that. But opening a dialogue between us has always felt so dangerous.

Despite my personal embargo on anything related to Marcus, the New Zealand media has made it impossible for me to avoid knowing he’s been nominated for the Best Actor award at the Oscars.

The ceremony is being held right now. But I’ve resisted the urge to check the news on my phone to find out if he’s won. I don’t know if I could handle seeing his face, knowing how much it will mean to him, knowing I can’t share in his triumph.

I shut things down so completely between us.

It seemed like the best option at the time. To go completely cold turkey, to not just burn down the bridges connecting us, but to blow them up with dynamite. To make sure there was no going back.

Now… Now, I just desperately want to talk to him. I want it more than I want anything.

But who says he wants to hear from me?

Marcus has probably moved on. He’s the most beautiful man in the world. I am his best friend’s nerdy brother.

Yes, we had something special, but Marcus never wanted a future together.

He’s never tried to contact me. Now, after more than a year, I don’t know if Marcus keeping his word shows his respect for keeping his promise to me or if one part of him was secretly relieved things ended between us. That in hindsight and after therapy, he’s realized our relationship wasn’t the healthiest. That he needs to leave me in the past to move on.

The unsettled feeling stays with me at Jamie and Tim’s reception. The speeches are beautiful and full of love. The food is delicious. The company of the Rainbow Rascals is entertaining.

I try to hide how miserable I am.

Felix has us all in stitches talking about the time he accidentally used self-tanning lotion instead of sunscreen, leaving him looking like an overcooked carrot right before a crucial meeting. Jared watches him with a mix of affection and something else…almost wistfulness.

Jamie and Tim are circulating the room and come over to our table.

Scott scans them up and down. “I’m trying to see where they’ve attached the ball and chain.”

“We’re saving the chains for our wedding night.” Jamie gives a wink, and Scott rolls his eyes.

As we’re all laughing, my phone beeps.

It’s a message from Saskia with a YouTube link below it.

You need to see Marcus’s Oscar speech. It’s about you.

I stare at her message.

I suddenly feel lightheaded, my cheeks tingling as if all the blood is rushing from my face.

Saskia’s words swim on the screen. Marcus won the Oscar? And he talked about me?

I stand abruptly. “I’m so sorry. I’ve got to go.”

Jamie’s forehead furrows. “Everything all right?”

“Yeah, it will be,” I say.

I’m striding away from the table, pushing through the crowd, trying to get to a place where I can watch the video of Marcus’s speech in private.

My heart pounds so hard I can feel it in my throat.

Marcus mentioned me in his Oscar speech? What did he say? A thousand possibilities race through my mind. Did he mention me by name? Did he allude to our relationship? Did he thank me casually as one of the many people who helped him on his journey? Would him simply listing my name in a string of names be better than him not mentioning me at all? Would a casual “thanks to Seb Kleggs” hurt more or less than complete silence? At least if he didn’t mention me at all, I wouldn’t have to analyze the exact inflection in his voice, searching for hidden meaning in every syllable.

Both my mind and my stomach churn.

I make it to my car before I click on the link, my fingers shaking.

My chest immediately tightens at the sight of Marcus standing at the podium on stage at the Oscars, the golden statue glinting in his hand. The bright lights of the stage illuminate Marcus’s face, highlighting his chiseled jawline and perfect features.

His voice is confident, smooth and melodious.

“Thank you to the Academy for believing in this story, for recognizing that sometimes the quietest moments can speak the loudest.

“To our incredible director, Susanne Marsden, for her vision and patience. To my fellow cast members, your talent and dedication inspired me daily. This award belongs to all of us.”

His Adam’s apple bobs as he swallows, looking down at the statue. His fingers tighten around the Oscar, turning his knuckles white.

When he looks up and starts to speak, his voice is quieter and seems stripped of all veneer. “I want to dedicate this award to the person who taught me what love is.” He pauses for a second, uncertainty flickering over his face before he continues.

“I started to fall in love when I was twenty-one. And it came from a place of wrong, but it turned into the most right thing I could ever hope for. The person I love… I don’t think he knows how much he saved me over the years…” Marcus takes a deep, shuddering breath, then looks straight into the camera. “I don’t want to break my promise. But I want you to know that the only reason I’m standing here right now is because of you. And I’m standing here, holding this”—he tilts his Oscar, the movement jerky—“and it turns out it doesn’t compare to holding you. It turns out nothing else matters besides you.”

My fingers tighten around my phone.

On stage, Marcus’s free hand grips the podium as if he needs it to keep himself upright.

“And I know I’m probably too late. I’m sure you’ve moved on, but I just want you to know that…” Marcus’s voice cracks, and he clears his throat. He blinks rapidly, his lashes glistening under the harsh stage lights.

“I will happily walk away from this, from everything, if it means I get you.”

Oh holy hell.

My breath comes in rapid pants.

Below the YouTube clip is a stream of comments. My eyes are blurry, but I manage to register some of them.

Oh my god, that’s the most romantic thing I’ve ever seen.

I wonder who the guy he’s talking about is?

I’m fairly sure the whole world is wondering that right now.