CHAPTER NINETEEN

Noah

"W-what?" I jerk my head back, the shock hitting me as every muscle in my body instantly goes rigid. I feel the color draining from my face before I instinctively take a step back.

He reaches out, gripping my shoulder, keeping me in place in front of him. "Don't lie to me, Prospect. Do. You. Love. Rhyan?"

Every part of me feels like it is shaking as I look directly into Alpha's eyes. "So much that it's physically painful, Pres," I blurt out, my voice wavering.

"And you were willing to give up a life with her for your fellow brother…" A slow smile crosses Alpha's lips. "We might just make a biker out of you yet, Prospect!" He spins, heading back to his seat.

I let out a relieved breath before I turn to Maverick. He gives me a slight head bob as I step back, leaning against the wall for some severely needed support.

Alpha flops into his seat, turning to face Loki. "Find anything?" he asks.

Loki grumbles. "Atlas definitely has ties to a guy called Rocco. He bought him tickets to New York, and I have been moving back and forth between their text conversations. They were supposed to check in on Tuesday, which is obviously tomorrow, but Atlas has been pinging Rocco's cell recently. I think Atlas has been checking in. When he finds out that Rocco isn't answering, we're obviously gonna have a problem."

Alpha sighs. "So we have the issue of what happened in New York and whether to tell Dutch or not. Atlas is on the lookout for Rocco because of what happened in New York, and if Atlas shows up here and starts slinging shit, and we haven't told Dutch what's going on, it could go sideways with Dutch as well as Atlas. See the problems you prospects constantly put us under?"

My mind shifts to Rhyan. I've never said out loud or even dared myself to think that I love her before now. It could be out of respect to Dutch. But the fact is, I've admitted it, and even though I want to do everything I can to make a life for Rhyan and me, if the only way to protect her and Maverick and hell, everyone at the clubhouse, is to offer myself up, then I will do just that.

"Tell Dutch. Tell him what I did. Tell him to take his pound of flesh. If he takes me out, then that takes care of the Atlas problem too because he won't be looking for me anymore, he won't come for the club, and more importantly… for Rhy."

Maverick flares his nostrils. "This is ridiculous. We're really gonna let Dutch take out one of our own?"

Alpha's eyes meet mine, full of hesitation, but I don't shrink. I hold his stare. The panic from moments before is easing now as the reality of everything sinks in, and now a calm acceptance takes hold.

I simply nod.

Alpha closes his eyes briefly. He licks his lips, then opens them again, only this time, a hard fierceness ignites his features. "Noah has made his choice. He made it when he shot Rocco and then let Rhyan help with the cleanup. As a prospect, it is your duty to serve only the club. To do no harm to the organization or its members . Noah, you have caused harm to both. Therefore, you are immediately stripped of your rank and will no longer be allowed access to the club grounds after midnight tonight."

Oh, fuck!

My chest aches.

It's a sucker punch to my gut while I try to hold myself together.

Alpha continues, "I will give you a few hours to get your affairs in order before I approach Dutch to alert him of the events in New York. Noah, you've been one hell of a prospect. I hate to see you go out like this. But you're doing the right thing for the safety of the people you care about." He places his hand out for me to shake.

Lifting my arm, my hand trembles as I place it toward Alpha, and he shakes it once. He dips his head, my breathing becoming faster now. "Can you promise me one thing, Pres?"

He sits taller. "What's that?"

"After… when I'm gone… can you please make sure Rhy's okay?" My eyes start glistening, so I rapidly blink before I continue, "And… if she has to hate someone because of this, tell her to hate me, not her dad. I caused this. He's only trying to protect her. If she has to feel hate because of this, tell her to direct it at me. She's going to need her family. Can you do that, Pres?"

He grips my shoulder, nodding. "Yeah, Noah. I got you."

Maverick stands abruptly, turning for the door. "This is fucked up," he mumbles under his breath, reaching for the door and yanking it open.

"I'm not finished with you, Maverick!" Alpha yells.

But Maverick takes off out the door and heads down the stairs in a huff.

Loki closes his laptop and sits taller. "Let him go. We can talk to him later. He's just been told his friend is depatched and probably going to be severely hurt, or worse, by another brother, who he also loves. It's a lot to take in. For what it's worth, Noah, even though you piss me off a majority of the time with your wild streak, you have something in you. You were going to be a great fucking brother. With any luck, Dutch will go easy on you."

I snort out a laugh, shaking my head. "Not likely. I have no club, no home, no girl, no family… Nothing. I have to go out into the world and fend for myself. I hope Dutch doesn't go easy. I don't wanna live like that."

Alpha and Loki both furrow their brows. They get it. Life outside of the club, once you've been in, is no life at all.

Alpha sighs. "You've got till six. Then I'm talking to Dutch. After that, it's up to him what he wants to do with you."

"Understood," I reply on an exhale, then turn and walk for the exit, but then spin back to face Alpha and Loki one last time. "It was an honor and a privilege to ride with you."

Alpha brings his left fist to his chest, banging it three times. The symbol for ‘We Are Defiance.' My bottom lip trembles seeing Loki do the same thing, but if I stay any longer, I might just fucking break down and beg for mercy like a pussy. So I dip my head and duck out the door, racing down the stairs as fast as I can, trying like hell to keep my emotions in check. I glance over at Maverick at the bar—he's already drinking heavily. He looks at me, and I lift my chin in a gesture of, Are you okay? but he scowls, turning his back to drown in more alcohol.

He's mad.

I get it.

I'd be mad at him if he did the same thing.

But I made sure he was around for Sadie and Clover.

Because they need him.

And while I wish I could stay for Rhyan, my being here is dangerous.

Because of Atlas.

Because of Rhyan's father.

And just because of who I am in general.

I'm no good for her—I never have been.

I don't know who I was kidding when I thought a guy like me could have someone as perfect as Rhyan.

I am bad news.

This proves it.

All I am good for is breaking my woman's heart.

Something I never wanted to do.

But it will happen tonight.

Looking at my watch, I only have five hours to get my affairs in order.

Inhaling deeply, I take off for my bedroom—I have shit I need to organize.

Two Hours Later

With my bedroom boxed up, I sit back on the bare mattress, staring at my room. The posters are down from the walls. All the shit off the desk. The closet door is open and completely empty.

It's a hollow feeling, my heart still racing. It hasn't stopped since I met with Alpha and Loki.

No one has come to my room.

So, I guess no one besides Maverick knows yet.

They will find out soon enough.

But as I sit back, I am thankful Rhyan had to attend class today. I'm glad she's not here to witness all this.

To watch me packing.

To hear me being kicked out of the club.

The only thing I do know is that she's due here in about thirty minutes. So I know I'm going to have to try to explain all this to her. But I have to do a couple of things before she arrives home.

Suddenly, my cell rings. Glancing down, it's my mother's jail flashing on the screen.

Tensing, I swipe the call and answer, "Hello?"

"You have a call from an inmate at the California Institute for Women. Are you willing to accept this call?"

"Yes!" I blurt out, anxious as to why my mother is calling me today.

A crackling sound muffles down the line, and then I hear her. "Noah? Are you there?"

"Mom, is everything okay? What's going on?"

She exhales, sounding like she's relaxing. "I had the freaking warden come and get me. Tell me your president called him and said I needed to contact you as soon as possible. Noah, what the fuck is going on?"

Alpha's letting me say goodbye to my mom.

"Noah, sweetheart, you're scaring me."

Clearing my throat, I swipe a stray tear from falling down my face. "I love you, Mom. I need you to know I always thought of you as the best fucking mother I could have ever had."

She's quiet for a moment, then she sighs. "Are you in trouble?"

"Just reflective. It's been a big weekend, and it makes you think about the people you love. The people you would do anything for. I'd do anything for you, Mom. Anything to protect you… you know that, right?"

"Is this about that Atlas douche? Has he said something to you? Because you know I can hold my own in here. I'm supposed to be looking out for you, not the other way around, my darling boy."

"I'm so fucking sorry, Mom. I'm sorry that I didn't do something about Dad sooner. I should have gone to the cops. I should have told them what he was doing to you. I should have done something, any-fuckin-thing other than bringing that knife into the situation—"

"Noah Brooklyn Drake, you stop that right now. We don't live on what-ifs and should haves. What's done is done. We deal with consequences as they come."

Nodding, that is exactly what's happening right now—I am dealing with my consequences.

"I wish we could have had a different life. A better life. I failed you, Mom," I whisper the last part, my eyes fogging over again.

Mom is quiet for a moment, and then she exhales. "No, baby… I failed you . Even though I knew how toxic he was, I kept that man in our lives. I couldn't walk away. Me being here, behind these prison bars, is my penance. It's how I can live with myself every day, not for what I did to your father, but for how I let you down as a mother."

Clenching my eyes, my hand scrubs at my face. I go to speak, but the line cuts out, a continuous beep sounding down the line. My eyes widen while my body jerks up. "Mom?"

I stand and start pacing the room. "Mom? Fuck! No. "

I pull my cell in front of my face, looking at it to see if anything is wrong, but the line has been disconnected. I slide to the floor, anguish and anxiety flooding through me. "Mom… I'm so fucking sorry!"

Dropping the cell on the floor, I bring my head into my hands. "I love you," I whisper, hoping that somehow, she knows, even though I may never get to talk to her again after Dutch is finished with me.

I don't know how long I sit on the floor trying to pull my shit together.

I stare at my cell, willing, wishing that it would ring and Mom will somehow call me back—just so I can tell her how much I love her.

But deep down, I know my final words to her will be that I failed her.

And I guess, in a way, I have.

My emotions are all over the place. Saying goodbye to Mom was something I didn't think I was going to have to do for years. But now that I've done it, maybe I should keep that ball rolling.

Finding inner strength, I hoist myself up off the floor, swiping my nose with the back of my hand, and make my way over to the box holding the stationery on my desk. Pulling out a notepad and pen, I sit at my desk, staring at the blank page, my heart racing so fucking fast while I think about the last words I want Rhyan to read from me.

Taking a deep, centering breath, I begin to write…

Dear Rhyan,

I tear the page out of the book, balling up the paper and throwing it in the trash. The weight of what the future holds is suffocating. With a shaky breath, I start again…

My Dragonfly,

Words can't express the way you have changed me. Even with the craziness, New York was the happiest four days of my life. There's only been two people in my life who have shown me unconditional love and unwavering support. And while in New York, you showed that you love and support me by including the only other person on our trip who treated me that way. Even if she wasn't able to be there with us.

If you're reading this now, the ramifications of our amazing trip away have come back to haunt me.

Whatever happens tonight between me and the club, the result is because of my actions alone. I need you to know, Dragonfly, that I allowed this to happen. And it had to happen this way to protect everyone.

Fuck! My hand shakes, the grip on the pen too tight. The ache in my chest steals my breath, leaving me to focus on one breath at a time, the words on the paper blurring.

Am I having a fucking heart attack?

Dropping the pen on the desk, I lean back in my chair, letting my head fall back. My heart rate seems to slow, and my vision clears. I take a deep breath, craning my neck from side to side.

Rhyan deserves better than this.

But to face her?

To see what I know will be devastation cross her beautiful face will be too much.

I'd rather look down the barrel of Dutch's gun.

Which I know is inevitable.

Leaning forward, I pick up my pen…

So please, don't get angry. Don't be sad. Just hold onto the memory of our weekend. Keep that memory alive.

How I wish we had more fucking time, dragonfly. There are so many things I had planned for us.

A whole fucking life together.

But it is more important that I protect you.

All I want is your safety, dragonfly.

I didn't get a chance to tell you, and I am so fucking sorry. I should have. I should have told you to your face so you knew.

Rhyan, I. Love. You.

I love you so fucking much.

If I had ever gotten my patch, I would have made you my Old Lady.

Hell, I would have saved a fuckton of cash and bought you a huge diamond ring and asked you to be my wife one day. We could have had kids. We could have grown old together. Maybe Dutch might have grown to like me.

I'm so sorry I've robbed you of our life together. But please don't mourn for me. I want you to get out and enjoy the world. Make something of yourself because I know you're going to be fucking amazing, Rhy.

This is already much longer than I planned, so I will end it here by simply saying…

The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.

Always with you,

Your Noah xo

A single tear slides down onto the page, and I sniffle before I swipe my finger over the drop. It smudges the ink of the ‘xo,' but I leave it. It reflects everything I feel right now as I fold the note in half, then write her name on top and slide it to the back of my desk.

Clearing my throat, I glance down at my watch. It's almost six p.m. Rhyan should be home and is probably out in the main clubroom, though I can't bring myself to move any quicker.

No doubt, Alpha is about to tell Dutch what happened over the weekend.

But I'm not hiding in my room while he does it.

I'm going out into the clubroom to face Dutch like a man.

Standing from my desk chair, I let out a long breath as I take one last look around the room, which has kept me sane during my time in Defiance, and I nod.

This place has been my home.

My sanctuary.

I don't know how Dutch is going to take me out, whether it will be a quick death or painfully slow, but the one thing I do know is that I don't want Rhyan to see it.

That's all I ask of him.

Making my way out of my room for the final time, my heart rapidly fires in my chest, my palms sweating as I head out into the clubroom. Everyone is going about their usual business like nothing catastrophic is about to happen.

The few small hints indicating that something is about to go down appear to be overlooked. Maverick's heavily drinking, drowning his sorrows, isolating himself from the conversation. Alpha and Loki are standing back, their eyes on me, with arms folded, like they've been waiting for me to enter the room. Alpha glances at his watch, and then his eyes meet mine. He nods once, and I exhale, dipping my head. The three of us make a beeline toward Dutch, who's sitting with Ellie at a table, chatting happily to Rip and Wes.

My insides knot with unease as Alpha slaps my back, causing Dutch to glance up at us, a genuine smile crossing his face. "Evening, Pres. What can I do you for?"

Alpha sighs. "Dutch, we got some shit to tell you. It's up to you how you handle it. The club will back your decision."

My breathing quickens when his face falls. He turns to me, instantly scowling. He knows I fucked up. His fists ball as Ellie reaches out, grabbing Dutch's cut and holding him in his spot. "What. Did. You. Do?" he grunts out through his teeth.

Hesitating, I take a deep breath. Furrowing my brows, I spin back to face Dutch. "When we were in New York…" I pause, glancing over my shoulder in search of Rhyan to ensure someone gets her out of here, but I can't see her anywhere. "Wait… where's Rhy?"

Dutch scoffs out a laugh. "Don't you fucking change the subject, Prospect. You tell me what you did."

Alpha tilts his head. "Actually, Dutch. Noah's lost his patch. He's no longer a prospect in the club."

Dutch stands aggressively, gripping me by the shirt, and he yanks me so close that I smell the beer on his breath. "What… did… you… do… to my baby girl?" he yells in my face.

I don't fight him off, but I drop my eyes and glance around the room again. "I'll tell you, but I'm serious, Dutch. When did Rhy come home from class?"

Dutch grunts, still keeping his grip on me, but slowly glances to Ellie.

Ellie shakes her head. "She hasn't come home yet."

Widening my eyes, I turn to face Loki. "VP, she was supposed to be home a while ago. It's not like her to be late."

Dutch grumbles under his breath, shoving me off him. "The kid's right, Loki. We can deal with whatever the fuck this is later. Right now, can you ping Rhyan's cell for me?"

Loki glances at Alpha, and he nods. An all-new wave of fear crashes through me.

What if my life isn't the one that's in immediate jeopardy?

Loki pulls out his cell and starts pushing buttons. We all wait, my stomach churning, a bead of sweat trickling down my brow. Loki's brows raise, his breath catching as he lowers his cell and looks directly at Dutch, my soul instantly crushing at the expression on his face.

"Just tell me, VP," Dutch grunts.

"Rhyan's tracker has gone dark."

Dutch spins and begins pacing.

Ellie lets out a sob, her hands rushing to her face.

I snap my head to Loki, shaking my head. "Her battery died or something, right?"

Loki's sympathetic eyes tell me everything I need to know, but he confirms it for me anyway. "The only way the tracker goes dark is if someone found it and took it out."