CHAPTER FORTY-EIGHT

REAPER

I say nothing as she gets up and goes into the bathroom. My mind is fucking racing, and my heart pounds with defeat. The desire to lock her up and keep her with me is strong. So fucking strong, but I can’t. After what she’s been through, I can’t do it. So much has happened between us, and I can’t bring myself to cause her more pain, even if losing her will destroy me. This is the problem with being given something so incredible. I was fine before, but suddenly, the devastation is as all-consuming as she is.

When she comes back into the bedroom, she’s wearing a t-shirt and yoga pants. Athena must have left them for her. She looks stunning as usual, with freshly cleaned skin and wet hair. I just want to fucking hold her in my arms, but I know I can’t.

This fucking hurts.

“It changes nothing for me. My feelings for you have never wavered. Go ahead and leave me, living dead girl. Take the fucking breath from my lungs. Yank out the heart from my chest. Just know, I’ll never be far. I’ll be watching, because I have no other choice. The only way you’ll truly be rid of me is to kill me, and I hope you do. I won’t even fight you.”

She sits on the bed and sighs audibly.

“How can you ever look at me, and not see what you saw?”

Clenching my fists, I say, “When I look at you, I see you. Like I always have. My hands are in fists so I can stop myself from touching you, when my fingers and arms physically ache to hold you. Not so long ago, you told me not to push you away. And yet you’re doing the same thing right now. I deserve to lose you, but I still can’t bear it. Will I ever forget what he did to you? No. When I look at you, I don’t see that. I see my beautiful girl that I don’t know how to fucking live without.”

“Nico,” she whispers, as a tear rolls down her cheek.

“I don’t know how to do this. The only thing I know how to do is run from shit.”

Fuck this. I cannot handle this distance. Rising from the chair, I go over to the bed and sit beside her, and pull her into my arms. She punches me in the chest repeatedly, but I don’t let her go. Instead, I lift her and move to the head of the bed, and lay down, holding her tight. She sobs into my chest, but I don’t release her.

“I’m sorry. I can’t do the right thing.”

Sighing, I continue, “I told myself if you wanted me to let you go, I would, but I can’t. For you, I desperately want to be a better man than I am, but I can’t be”

She clutches onto my shirt, like she’s holding on for dear life. And I inhale the scent of her hair and instantly don’t like it. She doesn’t smell like she usually does, because the shampoo is different.

“Before I passed out, I was cursing myself, because I knew you wouldn’t forgive me for letting another man touch me like that.”

I kiss the top of her head, because I can’t stop myself.

“You didn’t let him. Did you ask him to do that to you? I bet not. You didn’t let him, any more than I let him, baby.”

She pulls her head back and looks me in the eyes, for the first time since I found her.

“I’m sorry he hurt you. It was stupid, I know that now, but I wanted to make him pay for what he did to you.”

Placing my palm on the side of her face, I shake my head.

“It wasn’t stupid. It was dangerous, yet beautiful. Nobody has ever stood up for me like that. Do I wish you hadn’t done that? Yes, but don’t think it doesn’t mean anything, because it means a lot. And you fucking killed him. Not without injuries, but you did make him pay.”

She slides her hand inside my shirt, and holds it against my heart .

Sighing in contentment, I ask her the one question that needs to be answered.

“Are you using drugs?”

Her glare is instant and beautiful, but I still want to know.

“The doctor gave me something for the pain. I’m not using drugs.”

“I’m referring to you arranging to buy drugs prior to going to the house.”

Bella’s mouth forms the perfect ‘O’ as realization dawns on her.

“I was hoping to sneak up on him, and take him out easily. How did you know?”

Smirking at her, I say, “Every keystroke on my laptop is recorded. Also, you bought drugs from my family, just so you know.”

Her eyelids get heavy, and I pull her head back to my chest.

“Sleep, baby.”

Almost instantly, she relaxes and slumbers in my arms, exactly where she’s supposed to be. I stare at her face, while she gets the rest she needs, and can’t believe I thought for a second I could let her go. I’ll help her release her rage. If I have to line up dozens of people for her to kill, I will. She can squeeze the breath from their lungs, or gut them like a fish. Whatever she needs, she will have.

“Nico,” she gasps, as she claws at the skin covering my heart.

“It’s okay, baby, I’m right here.”

Relaxing her hands, she whispers, “I thought-”

Kissing her on the top of her head, I reassure her, or at least try.

“I’m right here, and I’m not going anywhere. If I have to fucking piss, I’m taking you with me.”

She sighs with contentment, and, fuck does that sound good. I hold her tighter, while my chest squeezes.

I keep my gaze on her, and can’t stop thinking about how I could’ve lost her, permanently. I’ll never fucking allow that again.