Chapter 35

K aster listened without asking any questions as I filled him in on what had happened that day. Cushioned in the large armchair, the ocher knitted throw I’d picked out over my knees, I told him about Ezekiel’s awakening, Ordell and the mating, and the rise of my darkness. I pulled up my sleeve and showed him my arm, free of my blessing now.

So that’s why you couldn’t have sex.

Yes. I trust you, Kaster. I trust that you won’t ? —

Never. He sat forward in his seat—a matching armchair to mine—expression intense. Losing the blessing doesn’t change your relationship with the white wings or the Order. It doesn’t change who you are. So, you can’t wield the blade that kills cold ones, but you can still save lives. Still follow the edicts of honor that are the pillars of the Order.

I know, I just…I feel like I’m lesser somehow, and the darkness…I’m afraid, Kaster. What if it does more than turn me against Ezekiel?

You won’t let it, and the people who care for you will help you with that. We will ground you.

His words renewed my hope.

Now— He pressed his palms to his thighs and stood. Let’s get you some cocoa then bed.

My pulse quickened because I no longer had a blessing to stand between us. I could have him if I wanted, and he could have me. My thoughts must have played across my face because his gaze flared for a moment, but then he relaxed back into his seat, and my heart sank with foreboding.

You’ve been through a lot the past few days. Now that I know everything, I’ll do all I can to help you and support you, but I feel…I feel that I can do that best as a friend, not a lover.

Are you…are you breaking up with me? A look of torment crossed his features, but I forged on. I get it. I’m not sure I’d want to share either.

He dropped his gaze. This isn’t about sharing, it’s about the focus on your heart and mind. Loviator’s captivity depends on you falling in love with Ezekiel. I can’t be a distraction on that path.

You won’t be ? —

Oh, but I will, because when I claim someone, I claim them wholly. Every part of them.

The pulse at my throat beat harder.

He dropped his gaze again. Now isn’t the time for us to be lovers, but Orina, I’m not abandoning you. I’m here with you all the way. This can still be your haven. We have two bedrooms, after all. Not much needs to change.

But no sex. I bit back a smile.

No sex and no falling in love with me.

No sex I was used to, but now that I was about to open my heart, it would be no easy feat to keep Kaster out of it.

Now, how about that cocoa… Kaster stood. And after that I’d like to hold you while you sleep one last time if…if that’s all right?

A sense of loss washed over me, but I pushed it down and fixed a smile on my face. “I’d like that.”

Yep, no easy feat.

Morning coffee and catch-up at the office was filled with revelations, and not just mine.

“Edwin almost died, and you guys didn’t send a Raven to let me know?” I looked between them, unable to hide how much that hurt.

Padma glared at Edwin, who looked sheepish. “I made them swear not to,” he said. “I was fine. We were fine. You needed to focus on Ezekiel. And I don’t regret it. You got him out of his nightmare, after all.”

Silence followed because everyone knew that even though I’d saved him, the curse was still active. I hadn’t fallen in love yet, and now we couldn’t even be in the same room because when we were, I wanted to kill him.

“The vista thing will work,” Merry said cheerily. “I’m sure it will.”

We fell into silence once more and sipped our respective beverages.

We discussed the van and how an invisible force had wrecked it, almost killing Edwin, and how some force had saved him. The same force that had come out of the teapot, according to Padma. We had a clue in the form of a business card with a hidden logo on it which the team was investigating, with no leads so far, but it was something. All that coupled with everything that happened at Branwood had taken up most of our morning.

“What will you do about Ordell?” Padma asked. “You guys are not in a relationship, right?”

I hadn’t thought of it like that because relationship was too weak a word for what we had. I was mated to the primal beast he’d been cursed into becoming. It was a part of him, but when I lifted the curse, it would be gone, and so would our mate bond, right? But Ordell and I had a bond too. One we’d established early on, one that I’d fought hard against because of my blessing, but my blessing was gone now, and there was no barrier to exploring our bond so…

“Yes. I guess we’re in a relationship.” The thought brought a smile to my face. “He sent a Raven this morning. We’re having dinner tonight at the apartment Ezekiel bought for me.”

“You’re moving in?”

“I can’t be in Old Town, and staying with Kaster, now that he says we can’t be a thing, feels wrong.”

“I don’t get it,” Edwin said. “You can be with Ordell but not with Kaster? Surely Ordell would be more of a distraction to your heart than Kaster?”

I’d thought the same but, “It’s how Kaster feels and what he wants. I don’t want to argue with him, and…maybe it’s just an excuse.”

“You think he doesn’t want to share,” Holly said. “So he’s twisting it to make it seem like he’s doing you a favor.”

“Urgh, I don’t know. I guess…I guess I just don’t know him that well yet.”

“I think it’s a great idea to have some space,” Padma said. “I might come stay with you sometime.”

“I have a spare bedroom, so you’re more than welcome.”

“You’d leave us?” Edwin asked Padma softly, but to me, it sounded more like ‘you’d leave me .’

Padma rolled her eyes and smiled. “What? You can’t do without me for a night?”

He quickly matched her smile but not before I caught the hurt in his eyes and oh…oh dear…did Edwin have a thing for Padma?

“I want to come stay once too,” Merry said.

“Sod it,” Edwin said. “Me too.”

“Maybe we can all have a sleepover and bunk in your sitting room.”

“What about Haiden?” Holly asked. “We can’t leave him behind.”

I laughed. “Sod it, I’ll ask Ezekiel to buy us a chapter house in New Town, how’s that?”

Silence reigned. “You think he would?” Merry asked, wide-eyed. “I mean…all the work we do is here, in New Town.”

I’d said it in jest, but it did kind of make sense. It was something the Order should provide, and Hemlock and Ordell had started the Order so… “I’ll see what I can do.”

“Well,” Edwin said. “It’s almost lunchtime, so who wants baguettes?”

“I’ll come with you,” Padma said. “We can stop at the bakery on the way back.”

“Succulent treats?” Merry said, eyes wide with hope.

“Isn’t that all the way across town?” Holly asked.

“That’s why we’ll take the van.” Edwin winked.

They left, and the rest of us set to work.

There were minor cases to be logged and reports to be written up from the past week.

An hour passed before the bell in reception tinkled, and I set my cup down. “I’ll get it.” I left them discussing location and building options for our new chapter house and headed into reception.

A tall broad-shouldered man stood with his back to me in a long, camel-colored coat, dark pants, leather shoes, and a familiar aroma of cedarwood and spice.

He turned to face me as I approached, the silver ring around his pale gray irises glowing brighter as they took me in. “Hello, Orina.”

A phantom fist squeezed my lungs, leaving me light-headed as I beamed up at him. “Hello, Lorenzo.”