Chapter 12

"Fuck. Fuck. Fuck."

I'm losing her. It's clear in the blankness of her gaze, the way she's fading in and out, to the point where I think my hold on her will break and she'll disappear completely.

This has happened twice before in all the time we've been trapped here. Both times because I've goaded Churchill Bradley to the point of him wanting to hurt us. When he targets me, I take it. It's worth the pain because it reminds me of what I'm fighting for. But when he targets Zoey, it makes me question my motives. Makes me wonder if my inability to let it go is selfish and causing more harm than good.

But I'm not a quitter, and I refuse to be stuck haunting Churchill Bradley Academy for eternity.

There must be a way out.

"Zoey, fight it. He's only strong if you don't fight him. Come on." One of my hands passes through her shoulder. "Fuck. Zoey. You can't leave me here alone. I'll destroy the place. You're my anchor. Fight it. Who knows what stupid plan I'll come up with next, if you're not here to stop me."

Her body solidifies, and her face turns toward the sound of my voice.

"That's it. Come on. It's bad enough I can't have sex. If I can't have someone to be sarcastic with, I might as well hang myself. Which won't go well because I'll fall through the fucking rope."

She laughs, and blinks.

"There you are!" I sag, relief turning my legs unsteady. I run my hands over her face, down her arms, and link my fingers with hers. "You okay?"

She nods.

"Where did you go?"

"My death."

"Same old. He needs a new script." I turn my head in the direction of the tomb. "You hear that, dickhead? Try something new."

A faint howl is my only response.

"Fuck you, asshole. You need to go and get laid."

"Stop antagonizing him." She punches my arm.

Hand in hand, we cross the cemetery and walk toward the chapel.

"I can't. You know I can't. He has answers. He wouldn't behave the way he does if he didn't know something."

"Or he just wants you to stop disrupting his resting place."

I shake my head. "You know that isn't—" I stop, a ripple of something going through me. "I need to go."

Zoey sighs. "Kell, you have to stop going back there."

"He needs me."

"He needs to move on. Sometimes I wonder if you holding on is stopping him from getting on with his life."

"If I wasn't keeping an eye on him, he'd be all alone."

"He is alone! He doesn't know you're there."

I shake my head, already reaching out with my mind to where Eli is. "You know that isn't true."

I close my eyes, and when I reopen them, I'm in the cabin that Eli calls home, and it's immediately clear why I felt drawn back. Eli is calling my name.

"Kellan? Where's Kellan? I've got to find him."

Surprise holds me still at the female voice that replies to him.

"You need to rest."

Arabellais here?

I step through the door into Eli's room and my gaze locks onto the blonde girl leaning over the man on the bed.

"The chapel. He's in the chapel. I have to go and get him. Before Evan … No, I can't be late …"

Her eyes close, and her head bows, grief twisting her lips, but none of it shows in her voice. "Kellan is right here with Miles."

I step up behind her and look down at my best friend. He's naked, covered in sweat, his head thrashing from side to side, as he tries to climb off the bed.

"I need to wash my hands. They're stained. I can't get rid of the blood. So much blood."

I bite back a humorless laugh when Arabella goes for the most effective method to keep him in bed. She climbs on top of him and straddles his hips.

"Kellan is safe. He's safe."

"Why can't I find him?"

My heart twists at his plea.

"He's right here with us, and he wants you to get better."

I cast her a sharp glance. Does she know I'm here? No, she can't. She's just saying whatever she can to calm him down.

"I've got you … please stop. Please, Eli."

"Kellan!"

I feel the call like an arrow to the chest. It drags me forward another step, and I reach out a hand, wanting to touch him, to tell him I'm here. That I haven't left him. That he's not alone.

"Let me die. Then I can be with Kellan, and my parents. There's nothing for me here. Just let me die."

Fuck. The true desire in his words cuts me deeper than the knife Evan used to end my life. He means every single word. And it drives me to do something without thinking about whether it's even possible.

I reach inside his chest, close my eyes, and force my body into his. We gasp in unison, and there's an audible click.

When my eyes snap open, I'm inside a room, and Eli is standing beside me. It takes me a second to get my bearings, but once I do I turn in a slow circle.

"I always wondered what the inside of your head looked like. Should have guessed it'd be an art studio." I grin at him and flick a finger against the easel holding a half-finished painting of me.

"You're dead." His green eyes bore into me. "This isn't real."

I roll my eyes. "I'm aware of that, thank you very much. Do you think Miles ever thinks about me?" I look around for somewhere to sit, form an oversized bean bag in my head, and flop onto it. "I was sure he'd pine after me for a while."

"It's been ten years." There's a bite to his voice.

"Huh. Doesn't feel that long."

"No, it doesn't."

"So, what are you doing?"

He turns his back on me and picks up a paintbrush, swirling it in green paint. "What do you mean?"

"I'm the one who died, not you."

"I know that."

"So, why are you behaving as though you're the one who's dead?" I smirk at the glare he angles at me.

"I'm not."

I snort. "Sure. You're out here in the middle of nowhere, looking like a fucking yeti, and pushing away all the people who care about you."

"All the people. Because there are so many, right?" Bitterness taints his voice.

"More than you think."

The new voice startles me, and I twist to see Elliot Travers in the doorway. He throws me a small smile. "Kellan's right. What are you doing, son?"

"What is this?" Eli's voice is angry. "I can't even have people see my side of things inside my own head?"

"We see your side; we just don't think it's right. And, as you rightly pointed out, this is all in your head, so you feel the same way."

"Bullshit."

"Seriously?" I stand up, my own temper rising. "You're arguing with your own subconscious now?"

"I need everyone to just leave me the fuck alone!"

"She's not going to do that, Eli." I will do everything in my power to make sure she doesn't leave him again.

He glares at me. "Of course, she will. She was good at leaving me alone." His head tilts, listening to something that I can't hear. "Do you hear that?" He looks directly at me. "She was so happy with me that she never fucking smiled unless she was leaving the house to spend time with someone else."

"Eli—" I want to tell him this isn't a fever dream, that he's really talking to me. That he's not alone. But something is pulling him away. Pulling me away.

I reach out to grasp his arm, and my hand goes right through him.

Fuck. Too soon. Let me stay longer.

"I miss you, Kell. So fucking much."