Chapter 17

It wasonly midday when we began our next flight. Nevertheless, we were once again told to sleep as much as possible. We needed it, too, after waking up to an ambush and a battle on the first night. Graham and Rain were out first, cozied together on the rear of the saddle. In his sleep, Ezra joined in the cuddle puddle. He was the little spoon, tucked up against Rain with Graham behind her at the saddle's farthest edge.

Calling this thing a saddle was silly. I supposed it was similar enough to an elephant saddle, but that still didn't do the thing justice. Probably because an elephant wasn't as big as a dragon. Not as big as this dragon, anyway.

The platform we sat on was as big as a king-size bed. There was plenty of room, but probably not as much as Graham needed to get away from me.

For the first several hours of the flight, that's all I thought about. Considering everything that had happened today, it shouldn't have been my top priority. I should've been more concerned about the ancient alien race of soul eaters that may or may not have been in cahoots with our enemies. But no. All I could think about was the fact that my friend was justifiably upset with me.

Thankfully, just after sunset, he woke. The sound of his grumbles came first, then a gasp.

I jolted, looking over my shoulder. He'd rolled backwards in the first moment of wakefulness, then either remembered he was on a moving dragon or realized he was too close to the edge of it. Either way, he was alright, and the saddle had a metal bumper to keep him from falling off. I would have done the same, though. That's why I'd decided not to nap.

"You alright?" I asked.

He grunted. "Hanging out there. Literally. Thought I was gonna fall."

I considered correcting his usage of that phrase, but decided against it. Now wasn't the time to poke at him. "Yeah, I don't know how you guys do it. I couldn't nap on this thing if I tried."

"Well, I was going on twenty-four hours with no sleep." Carefully, he wiggled out from Rain's grasp, unhooked his seatbelt, and crawled toward me. "If we're here long enough, you'll nap on one of these things eventually."

"If you'd've said that yesterday, I don't know if I would've believed you. Now…"

Stifling a yawn, he squinted ahead. "How long was I out?"

"Three or four hours."

"We should be landing soon, then."

"Another hour or so," I said, gesturing to Amara and Jake on a neighboring dragon, "she said a few minutes ago."

He nodded, still gazing ahead. "When we get there, be careful. With what you are and all, don't expect kind treatment."

"I'm not expecting that from my present company, either." I managed a smile. He rebutted with a half laugh. "Think we should talk about this morning?"

"Probably best we handle it before Rain gets involved." He glanced at her sleeping behind me. "I didn't try to tattle on you. She started asking questions, then threatened to dig around in my thoughts, so I gave her a quick summary."

"You could've told her." Awkwardly clearing my throat, I shook my head. "That wasn't okay. The way I acted—it wasn't fair. I don't blame you if you're upset with me, and I wouldn't blame her if she was either."

"No. It wasn't okay." Green eyes moving between mine, he raised a shoulder. "And I didn't hear an apology in there either."

No, he hadn't. Because it was not easy for me to apologize. Still, I owed him that much, at least. "I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry."

"You should be," he said.

I expected more of a response than that, but I had to take what I got. Wasn't exactly in the place to make demands. "I don't know what got into me. I should've thought. It should've been obvious you didn't realize they were gone."

"Even if I had, I still would've done exactly as I did." He glanced my way, then turned back to the sky ahead. "There wasn't anything I could do. Not at that moment. Maybe I would've gone to talk to Laila when things settled down, or Jeremy, but the fact is, it was out of my control."

That was true. Rational. So why did it make my skin crawl and my stomach turn?

Normally, that was me. I was the rational one. Graham was the silly one. So why did his rationality piss me off and make me sick all at once?

"I hate that." His voice was quieter now, almost impossible to hear over the whistling wind. "I hate that when I'm here, everything seems to be out of my control. I hate that the battle comes first. I hate that protecting those next to me matters more than protecting the people who matter most to me. But that's just the way it is. That's one thing you have to learn, Warren."

No matter the knot in my stomach, he was right.

My voice cracked when I said, "But I don't know how."

"I bet you don't." Chuckling, he shot me a smirk. It wasn't his usual playful chuckle, though. It was almost condescending. "I bet you don't know how to adjust to a reality where you don't get what you want all the time."

Involuntarily, my jaw clenched. "It isn't that. It's just?—"

"It's exactly that." His green eyes glowed. I said nothing. He shut them, exhaling slowly. When they reopened, the light had burned out. "I love you, mate. Next to Rain, you're my best friend. But you don't understand because you've never had to live like this. Not even the wars, but the privilege.

"You had it all. And I know you suffered because of your sexuality, but you always had money. You were always able to get whatever you wanted, however you wanted, whenever you wanted, because you had an abundance of the thing everybody wants and needs to exist there. You're going to have to get over yourself here. It sucks, but instead of getting your pants in a bunch about it, you have to learn to do what we all have done. Suck it up."

This time, I was a bit annoyed, so I did correct it. "Panties. Not pants."

He glared.

"Sorry," I said under my breath. "It's not that I don't understand. I agree, even. But I can live without all the comforts I love. I just… It's different when the people I love are involved."

"You don't think I understand that?" Head cocked to the side, he huffed. "After my pa died, my mum didn't know what else to do. Where I lived, there were attacks every day. Not to mention the attacks I faced because of what I am."

I was familiar with Graham's history, and with how elite Fae were treated here. The reminder was unnecessary, and I still didn't see the point he was making.

"She spent years figuring out how to leave. How to give me a better life. She wasn't worried about herself. All that mattered was giving me better. Keeping me from ending up here." He jammed a finger toward the ground in gesture to this world. "From fighting this bullshit war that I didn't start. From dying the way my father had for people who hated me.

"And then, we were only a few days from making it. We were so close to getting to Earth. And Angels attacked our carriage. We ran. Through a big open field, where we were easy targets, and arrows were flying, and I was holding her hand, and then she fell. One hit her. Killed her." He spoke through gritted teeth. "And I stopped. I thought I could heal her. But the arrows were flying, and she took her last breath, and a little girl grabbed my hand. Said my mum wouldn't have wanted me to die with her. So I got the fuck up, and I ran, and I hated myself for it, but it was my only option, Warren.

"That's how I learned this lesson. Believe me, that's not how I want you to learn it. I'd much rather you accept it the easy way. But one way or another, you're gonna have to. It'll be easier on both of us if you do so now."

The sick feeling had moved from my stomach into my chest. I thought I understood, before. Now I only understood that I couldn't understand.

No, the stakes in my life had never been as high as they were now. Yes, I was incredibly privileged. No, I didn't want to learn the hard way, either.

"I didn't…" I began, shaking my head. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be," he said. "I appreciate the condolences and all, but all that shite made me. No one should have to suffer, but when we do, we learn from it. And hopefully can teach others from it."

"I'm just struggling to grasp how." Licking my lips, I scratched my head. "I don't know how to detach when it's all so personal. Everyone I care about is here, and when their lives are on the line…"

"How did you do it when you fought like Jeremy taught you to? Putting everything you were feeling into your enemy?"

"I don't know. I just… stopped thinking."

"Then when it's over, when you can finally breathe, when you start coming back to reality, just stop for a second." He shrugged. "Hold your breath while you fight, and breathe when it's over."

Licking my teeth, a quiet laugh escaped me.

Graham returned it. "What? What's so funny?"

"If I didn't know better, I'd think you and Jeremy were working together."

"Well, we are."

"No, I mean to gang up on me."

"I don't see anyone ganging up on you."

"I meant that you guys said the exact same things. That's all."

Sitting up straighter, he smiled. "See? I know what I'm talking about. Even the gods agree with me."

I wasn't sure if I would ever be able to look at the two of them as gods. To me, gods didn't exist. They seemed to feel the same way in all actuality. But I saw the point he was making. Gods or not, they were eons older than me, and I had to respect that.

"Look at that." Craning higher, he pointed behind me. "We're almost there."

I followed his gaze.

At this height, I was hesitant to call us close to anything, but I immediately understood Graham's apathy for these people.

A dome of silver, twinkling energy circled the city—a beautiful and insidious barrier. Beneath could be described as the quintessential kingdom for fairies, if the person describing it had never stepped foot on the Fae Realm.

In the center stood a palace. It must have been twenty stories high and at least a football field in diameter. The Elvan ore castle Iliantha resided in was wondrous, of course, but almost modest. The only decor she used was edible: vines and flowers and herbs which were both beautiful and useful. I couldn't make out the details from the distance, but this place wasn't so humble.

Parts of it were more subdued—just standard sandstone—but every turret shimmered like a light show in the glow of the dome overhead. It was as though every square inch was coated in gems. They were color-coded, in fact. One turret on the left was covered in hundreds, perhaps thousands, of purple hues. The one beside it was no different, but with red crystals instead. The next was green, and the last pink.

"That's not what I expected from a Fae," I said.

"Because they're not Fae." Eyes washing over the city, his nose scrunched up a bit in disgust. "They're Elves."