55. RAVEN

55

RAVEN

Her words do funny things to my heart.

I finally shift onto my side, cushion my head with my arm, and study her face.

"Why did you stay away from me?" I ask in return. This is new territory for me—talking about feelings.

"One, I was trying to figure things out."

"And two? You hated me for blackmailing you?"

Her face falls. Shit, I said something she didn't like.

She shifts onto her side, cushions her head with her arm, mirroring me.

"You do this again, Rave."

"Do what?"

"Put words in my mouth. Telling me rather than asking me."

I nod. I get it. "Did you hate me for blackmailing you?"

Her little smile is sneaky. "I thought we figured out that wasn't the case."

"Apparently," I say. "Did you hate me for trying to get to you in that way?"

She shakes her head. "That's not it. After all those weeks… The last time we talked, when you found out that you weren't the only one in on the secret, it hurt to see that you still tried to get what you wanted by force."

"Because I thought you wanted it too."

"Is that why?"

She doesn't believe me, and she is right. So I tell the truth. "Because I thought I wouldn't get a chance with you if I didn't push or bribe you."

We are naked, facing each other. That means neither of us can walk away from this conversation.

Maddy rises a little to rest her head on her palm, her elbow on the pillow. This brings her face slightly above mine.

"You never asked, Rave," she says softly, her gaze holding me hostage. "Do you realize that? You never asked me what I wanted."

"I wanted more, Maddy." So much more of you. "Not just sex." Feelings overwhelm me again. "But I knew what I could get, and I'm good at making deals." I don't look away, even though it's the scariest thing I've felt in a while, telling the truth to this beautiful girl. "I never expected to get involved like I did. And when I realized that I was too far and in over my head, I was paranoid that if I did ask and heard the wrong answer, the truth would be too hard to swallow."

I go quiet, already having said too much.

"You walked away, Rave. From discussing what happened. You never came to me to explain how you felt. You never asked me what I wanted. You brought up what we had but dismissed what we felt. And afterward, I couldn't feel anything but hurt that you gave up." Her gaze is so vulnerable that I want to kneel before her. "I don't want to feel that way ever again. I don't want to not feel you next to me," she says in a whisper that resonates like an explosion in my heart.

I feel like a tiger in a cage that finally broke free.

"I tried to write to you, to explain," I say quietly.

She frowns, not understanding. Of course, she won't.

"A letter, explaining what I was feeling, where I went wrong. I wrote numerous ones, even came close to bringing one to you. And then…"

I remember her hugs with Bo and Guff and realize how stupid jealousy and anger can get the worst of people.

The way she holds my gaze warms my chest. It's different from that hurt gaze after the meeting with Archer. Like she sees me differently from before, and I don't get it. It crosses my wires. Something burns in my chest. It's that silly hope again.

"Maybe I was a coward," I say bluntly. "Tell me how to fix this, Maddy. Us. I'm not talking about the deal but what we could be beyond this. Tell me it's a possibility."

Being honest never felt so scary. She doesn't reply, and just in case she is about to say something that will break me, I kiss her softly, like a peace offering.

She pulls back. "If we are doing this, us, there is one rule."

"Are you trying to make a deal, Maddy?"

"It's not a deal, Rave."

I don't understand then, but I'd better let her talk. My stomach tingles, and a fluttering creeps into my heart.

"We can't do this if you are with other women, Rave."

The words jerk me slightly up, and I raise my head from my forearm and prop it with my fist. "What?"

She licks her lips, and I think she is nervous. "If we are together, there can't be any other women."

"I haven't been with anyone."

She nods, avoiding my gaze. Is this her admitting that she is jealous of someone?

"Maddy, look at me."

She purses her lips and meets my eyes.

"I haven't been with anyone in over a year."

"Not even with Siena?"

Maddy is perceptive. I shake my head. "No. Me and her, we have a business deal."

She snorts. "Like ours?"

I grit my teeth. That's what fucked up deals do—they make people think that's a regular thing.

"No. Not like ours. I've never blackmailed anyone before."

"I feel special."

Fuck. I stay quiet, letting her irritation fade.

"So, you and her are a no? Just clearing it up." Maddy's feistiness is back.

"Anyone but you is a no," I say and tuck a strand of her hair behind her ear, letting the words sink in.

Maddy nods and looks down at my chest, a little smile twitching her lips. "I should've kissed you much sooner then."

Her smile grows, and I can't help but smile in response, though she's avoiding my eyes again.

"You were jealous? Is that what it was?"

There is nothing stopping me from claiming that beautiful smile, so I take her chin between my fingers and kiss her.

Fuck… This is more complicated than it ever was. I'm talking about my body reacting to hers. My hard-on that springs back to life at the mere kiss. I pull away but keep stroking her cheek so that she doesn't look down and see that my cock gets his own ideas while we are having a serious conversation.

Her smile fades. "I was mean when I said what I said to you after Archer's meeting. I wanted to hurt you. I hope you understand this. I was angry that you wanted to use me while it could be different. Angry that you never gave me a choice. Angry that we made a deal and then you went behind my back and talked to my dad."

"I didn't go behind your back, Maddy. I was trying to navigate the situation in the best way for you . Trust me."

"You could've talked to me."

"No, I couldn't. I played out many scenarios in my head, and the one we went with was the best option. I also knew that you wouldn't take it well. And I'm the sort of guy who would meet the most beautiful girl and fuck it up right from the start. I always knew there was a very slim chance you would want to have anything to do with me if you weren't forced, so I went with the best scenario for you, despite my own interests."

"Not true."

"Look at us, Maddy. Someone like you is too good of a person to be with someone like me. You ran from that. From people like me. As far as you could."

"I ran from different things, Raven. From circumstances, not people. And please stop talking about yourself like you do. You just never let anyone close, so you don't have anyone besides Mac telling you that you deserve good things. Good things happen to everyone. You don't always have to earn them or be a saint. If Emily were here, she would've told you that."

"Please, don't," I whisper, feeling the stab of her words.

"Sorry."

I summon all my courage and lift my hand to cup her face. It's a tender gesture, I know. But I don't know how else to show her that I don't want this to end.

Maddy's eyes immediately flick up to meet mine.

My phone beeps with a notification, then another. But I can't get distracted from what's happening right now.

"You and me," I say, "what happens tomorrow? What would you like to happen next?"

There, that's her choice.

She gives me this cute, playful look, shifting closer. "I want us official."

My eyebrows shoot up in surprise before I manage to arrange my face into a more neutral expression. "Are we talking public?"

"That's what dating means."

I stall. I fucking stall because she kissed me first, and now she's saying this first. That's her choice? Me? Official?

"Are you asking me to be your boyfriend, Maddy?"

She sucks in her cheeks, hiding a smile.

"Is that it?" I insist. "Is that what you want?"

"I'd like that, yes. Very much."

There's no blushing, no teasing, just an intense gaze. And that's something I learned about Maddy. She often goes for what she wants with fierce straightforwardness. I just never gave a chance to the idea that she would choose me .

My heart pulsates in a strange way. My entire body and mind feel extraordinary. There's no other way to explain the feeling of being high without doing any drugs, wanting to shout to the world and do an air fist pump.

"I must be dreaming," I say, trying to ease the tension that makes it hard to speak.

"Hmm. Is it bad that I'm the one asking?"

It hits me right in the gut, too, the truth. "You know I would've never asked it when we met," I confess. "Because you would've never said yes."

"I wouldn't have. Not at first."

"Not at first," I echo. "All right. Yes." I have a hard time keeping my smile in check. "Yes. To the dating, to us . But you'll have to tell me when you don't want me around. When I get too intense. When I don't pay attention to what you want. When I forget to ask. I get carried away, Maddy. With you, I do."

She nods, her smile growing. "I will."

"You always let me have my way."

"Because I felt like it. I wanted what you wanted. Always."

"Except the time you said no. Before we stopped talking."

She shakes her head. "Even then."

I gape at her.

" Especially then," she says, studying my face. She enjoys taking me by surprise. "Because you finally knew that it wasn't a deal. I made it happen. I let you, Raven. I hope you can see it now. And by then, I wanted you more than anything. I was in this as much as you were. But I also needed to know that you respected my word."

I gaze into her eyes and feel like I'm holding my heart in my palm, and she controls its heartbeat. She is a beautiful witch with a crazy love spell, because I can't stop looking and feeling and hoping for an eternity with her. And I don't have to, because, yeah, boyfriend. Let's hope I don't end up with broken legs because her daddy doesn't approve. He might kill me. Is she worth it? Abso-fucking-lutely.

She crawls on top of me, cups my face with her gentle hands, and kisses me.

Yes, a hundred percent worth it.

Her hair hangs loose around my face like a curtain, and I'm drowning, drowning, drowning in her. I want this kiss deeper, but I hold back. I brush my fingers along her spine, barely touching, but I don't want to push her into anything. I want her to show me what she wants right now. I learned a lot about violence. For once, I'm letting someone show me how to go for something I want without destroying everything on my path.

Maybe this is her wishful kindness—showing me how to heal, so I can do that in the future for others. I'm broken, and when we made a deal, I took her with the same carelessness she had run from in her past. One day, I will learn how to ask and be patient enough to wait for answers. I can only hope that one day, she will still choose to be with me.

As her lips gently take mine in soft kisses, I pray that she will someday stay with me for good. It would be the biggest gift.

In Hawaiian, a gift is called "mahalo."

M. Maddy. Mahalo.