42. RAVEN

42

RAVEN

Everything I do has a ripple effect that always involves Maddy. After shooting Cunningham, I wonder if I was too careless. But he did, after all, look for her like many others.

"Darkness doesn't scare me. People do."—Maddy.

I wrote that down in my book of quotes, so that one day, even if I forget who I am, these words on paper would bring me back to her. They would remind me that once upon a time, I was happy. That a girl like her had conversations with me. Was with me, if only for a short while. If only by blackmail. I have a bad feeling about the future. There are no happily ever afters where I come from.

Yet, I cling to what we have. I love when Maddy talks to Sonny and tells him to ask me things like he's our child. I love dinners and playing house. I love that he plays matchmaker, thinking he's so inconspicuous. I love the three of us together.

I'm flirting with the word "love" putting it everywhere except where it's supposed to be. Yeah, that part is scary. I'm not scared of feeling but where that would lead me, on a one-sided road. And for the first time in a decade, I fear that my actions will jeopardize Maddy's safety.

I call Archer as soon as we pile into the boat. Skiba is cursing, barking orders at others.

"Cunningham is dead," I say as soon as Archer picks up, then give him the scoop on what happened.

"And then there's Tsariuk," Archer says.

"Yes, that."

"I'll call you back in a little bit. Let me run this by Alex and Bishop."

I chain smoke all the way to Ayana's docks.

Archer calls as soon as we disembark.

"We are having a meeting," he says. "You, me, Alex Ortiz, Bishop, Marlow. In half an hour. At my house."

That's new. We never discuss Ayana's security issues at Archer's house. His place is usually for more personal conversations.

"What is this about?" I ask cautiously.

"Milena Tsariuk."

"What about her?"

"We found her," Archer says simply, and suddenly I feel like the air was sucked out of the universe.

"I'll be there," I say and hang up.

Right away, I want to call Maddy. But then, I don't want to scare her. Moreover, I don't want her to wait for hours freaking out while we are having this meeting.

I light a cigarette and smoke as I try to calm my nerves, walking across the beach. And I am fucking nervous. It's an odd feeling I've long forgotten.

Twenty minutes later, I pull up at Archer's villa, and the first thing that stops me in my tracks is Ali leaning against the palm tree near the driveway by the entrance.

Fuck.

He nods.

That means Maddy is inside. Maddy is inside. Maddy is inside.

We found Milena Tsariuk.

I'm sweating, and I'm cold. I'm tense as fuck, realizing that I don't get to hold Ayana's biggest secret to myself. This will be Ayana's decision. And also finally the time for Maddy to face her demons.

I wish I could protect her for longer. But I know what secrets do—they eat you alive from the inside out. I've heard her stories. I know how she feels. I've seen her around people, shriveling into herself whenever the conversations about the past and college would come up.

I nod to Slate and another bodyguard who stand at the entrance as Slate opens the door for me, and I walk into Archer's villa.

It's not a lifeless gray stone tomb anymore. There are plants everywhere, shelves, odds and ends—Katura's doing. There's some exotic tree that almost reaches the ceiling. There are colorful pillows. Clothes, for Christ's sake—something the meticulous Archer Crone never left lying around. The first time I saw it and commented, Archer rolled his eyes. "Smoking is outside," he said, and I grinned, and he chuckled, shook his head, and murmured, "Shut up. Don't say anything."

Right now, it's cool and somewhat dim inside. No usual background music. No voices. But when I walk into the living room, the usual crew is there—Archer, Bishop, Marlow, even Katura—of course, Archer would bring her into this—and…

Maddy.

Archer is standing with a drink in his hand, watching me approach.

Bishop and Marlow sit on the couch.

Katura sits on the couch section next to them.

Maddy is next to her and gives me a quick glance, barely an acknowledgment. God forbid someone thinks we are actually an item. Though the people in this room know we are fucking. It's all right. That was the deal, right? I'm good enough for fucking but not for being seen together.

The blinds are closed. There's dead silence in the room. And suddenly, this feels like a funeral.

"Take a seat," Archer says, motioning to the only empty spot on the couch next to Bishop.

Did they already tell Maddy they know? If not, does she suspect what is about to be revealed? Does she know she is finally caught? Fuck, I should've called her.

"A drink?" Archer offers, but he is the only one drinking. His gaze is too grim.

Marlow plays with his keychain. Bishop studies everyone in silence. Katura is on an iPad, probably working, always working. The girl is addicted to CC-TVs and spyware and the screwed-up puzzles that make up Ayana's secrets. She is ingenious but never properly trained in IT or anything of the sort, hence her random strange ideas about investigations that surprisingly uncover more and more dirt in Ayana.

Only Maddy looks out of place in her nurse uniform, her hair in a bun at the back of her head.

Marlow speaks first. "So, security issue number one. Cunningham and O'Shea had someone on the inside."

He is obviously starting from afar, except we discussed that multiple times before.

"We know that," I say, since everyone else is quiet. "Who?"

Archer swings the booze in his drink, tonguing his cheek. He seems more tense than usual. "Kat is going through the guards' schedules."

Katura doesn't raise her eyes from the iPad. "I'm running AI cross-checking all the schedules, breaks, badge scans, then cross-referencing them with all the employees."

"That's several hundred people," Marlow says.

"Yeah," she says. "And I'll figure it out."

This conversation is a repeat of many others, and I know that it is a pointless warmup to the main reason we gathered her.

"Can we get down to business?" I ask, irritated.

Archer exhales loudly. "We found Milena Tsariuk."

I want to punch him for doing this slow-burn-secret-reveal. "You said that."

He glances at Maddy. I look at her, then back at him.

"You realize why she is here, right?" he says.

Again, this fucking foreplay is unnecessary. I don't respond, only stare him down.

"It's Maddy," he says.

There is no way going back or trying to deny it or speculating because the people in this room are the smartest ones when it comes to Ayana security.

I stay quiet for a moment, making sure I don't give away myself before I finally speak. "When did you find out?"

"A week before the Bangkok opening."

Oh, fuck.

The words slap me in the face. That's over two months ago, before my deal with her. But then of course, I couldn't be the only one who dug deep enough.

I look at Maddy, but she still doesn't raise her eyes, studies her hands clasped on her lap like they are the most important business in the world.

Something doesn't feel right. Did they talk to her about it before I came? Why else would she be so calm?

That's when Katura finally sets aside her iPad and cocks her brow at Archer, who studies me, trying to read my reaction.

I'm calm. At least, I'm trying to be.

I hold Archer's stare. "When did you tell Maddy that you knew?"

Archer's gaze is thoughtful. "About that same time."

I wish I misheard what he just said. But I didn't. And the feeling of the floor sinking from under my feet is all too real.

That's when Maddy finally raises her eyes at me.

"So, about two months ago, give or take," Archer says, but I can't look away from Maddy. "We talked to her and decided we will keep things the way they are for a while."

His words sink in as Maddy and I stare each other down.

"Who else was in on this?" I ask quietly.

"Just Kat and I," Archer says. "And Maddy, of course. I told everyone else just before you got here since things with Butcher are getting a bit troublesome."

"A bit troublesome," I echo, wanting to turn inside out.

Archer's words fade in and out because blood pounds in my head as I still stare at Maddy, whose expression doesn't change. But her stare says it all. I want to say that it's almost triumphant. Because Maddy, Milena fucking Tsariuk, knew that her secret was out and actually made a deal with Archer before, fucking before I did.

Remember what Henry Miller said about women upsetting the balance of power?

Oh, fuck, how right he was.

That night, when Maddy and I stood outside Bangkok, Maddy had all the power on the island but let me play this game. The day we made a deal in that room in the medical center, she let me feel that I was in charge. When she obeyed my every request, undressing for me and dancing and spreading her legs and letting me text her with meeting times, the good girl of Zion was playing her own fucking game. And fuck if this doesn't make me feel like a complete idiot.

No, I'm not calm anymore. I'm fucking pissed. And I'm upset. And I feel defeated. And most of all, tricked.

And she's still staring at me intensely. I'm sure she can see everything in my eyes, and I almost expect her to start laughing in my face.

She rises slowly from the couch and calmly looks at Archer. "I have to go to work. Now that the news is out, I don't need to be here for your discussion. Let me know later what the plan is."

Archer throws a puzzled look at Katura, who chews on the inside of her cheek as she watches Maddy walking toward the door.

I always had a plan. Knew where I was heading. But when she showed up in my life, my internal compass went haywire, then pointed at her, then spun wildly, but inevitably pointed at her again. I never did drugs. Who needs drugs when you have a woman screwing with your sanity? Ups. Downs. Making you happy one minute, then sending mixed signals the next.

Right now, I don't quite understand what's happening. My internal compass is spinning out of control, making me dizzy as I try really hard not to blow up. I seldom lose my composure, but it's happening. My legs feel like jelly as I get up slowly. I'm dizzy, and I don't look around because I'm sure everyone is watching my reaction.

"Excuse me for a minute," I hear myself say as I walk toward the door.

Maddy is right outside, and despite the guards watching us, I catch her by the arm and walk her to the side of the building, then pin her with her back against the wall.

I'm trying really hard not to say something mean as I set my hands against the wall on each side of her.

God, can someone be calmer than Maddy who raises her eyes at me without a single word while I feel like my body is turning into an inferno?

I'm hyperventilating. I try to control my breathing, but my heart is pumping too fast. I'm fucking shaking.

"So, you wanted to fuck me, Maddy," I say, trying to compose myself, though I can tell that my voice sounds like a hiss. "Was that it? You didn't even need to try hard. You just said yes. And you probably gloated knowing that you were playing me."

Her gaze hardens, and her voice is chilling as the words fall off her beautiful lips, "You don't have anything else to say?" The beautiful lips that she never let me kiss, that probably told lies and easily played along with whatever I said.

"That you want me?" I push into her. Because I have to. Because if I don't push, I don't get what I want. "Tell me, Maddy. You know that you wanted this, me. You still do. And what I found out inside proves it. We don't need agreements to carry on. You simply have to say that you wanted it all along and stop pretending like you are a victim."

"I never said I was a victim."

"But you reminded me it was a deal."

"The deal is over, Raven," she says calmly.

"Oh, yeah? Are you sure? Because you sure enjoyed it."

She doesn't answer, just stares at me so fucking calmly that it makes me even angrier.

"Tell me that you want this," I press on. "Tell me you enjoyed fucking me. We didn't need to make a deal, sweet Maddy. You could've just told me that you wanted to fuck me."

She doesn't respond, and it fucking bothers me that she doesn't admit it.

"Say you did," I whisper angrily in her face. "We don't have to pretend that it was just a deal. Admit it."

Her lips move and round up one word, "No."

It's quiet but feels sharp, like a stab.

I lean in, wanting to prove her wrong, wanting to take what should've been mine from the start, a kiss, and I almost kiss her, but she turns her head just slightly.

Stubborn girl.

So, I bring my lips to her ear, so close they touch her skin. "We are good together, Maddy. See?" I run my hands slowly along her body. I want to see her response, because her body always responded to mine. Because she fucking wanted it all along, while I tormented myself with guilt that I was using her.

But her body is rigid, not shifting even an inch.

"No," she repeats in a whisper that doesn't sound so sure.

"Your body says otherwise. We can make another deal?—"

"No," she repeats louder and turns to look me in the eyes. Her gaze is determined. And this time, there's no hesitation in it. "I don't want deals with you, Raven. We had one, and we are done."

Now I'm angry. I fucked up, didn't I? She doesn't want this trash. Of course, she doesn't. And she played me all this time.

I feel dread creeping in. She's become the main character in my story, and I am petrified that I just ended up being an extra in hers.

"You knew from the start that you had an upper hand, Maddy. And you played your little game with me. Because you finally didn't have to pretend to be this sweet Maddy everyone thought you were. You could be Milena. You could get what you wanted. Tell me I'm wrong."

"Maybe I wanted to know what it would be like to fuck someone I was forced to be with," she says in a harsh low voice. "See, Raven, I was supposed to be a trophy wife, a pretty girl fucked by a guy who got me as a deal. You were perfect. You didn't ask me what and why and where. You didn't give me options. You just took, and the most basic of all—sex. You didn't care what I wanted."

It's partially true, and I knew it all along. Then why do her words slice through my heart like a stiletto?

There's a harshness in her eyes that I've never seen before. It's the first time I feel that she is not leaning into me but shrinking away. She is so close to me, yet I've never felt farther apart.

Her pretty lips curl down in a smirk. "So, yes," she says, "maybe I wanted to taste what it's like to be used by a man who takes everything as a bargaining coin. Including women."

She puts her palm on my chest, like so many times she's done before, but my heart beats like a drum not because her touch is gentle, but because she is pushing me away.

"Let me go, Raven," she says almost in a whisper that sounds like my death sentence.

Three seconds. Three simple words. But they might hurt for the rest of my life.

I step back, lowering my hands from the wall. She walks past me and away while I stick my hands in my pockets and curl them into fists, wanting to punch the wall.

This deal is over, and I could never have imagined it would hurt so badly.