20. Chapter 20

20

“ T his whole undercover operation…” The governor paused to rub his chin. “It was highly unorthodox. I’ll admit I wasn’t happy with the idea, concerned for your safety more than anything, and when you were stabbed, I tried to call it off, but Hamish was persistent.”

“He’s definitely persistent,” Rory muttered. He lowered his gaze. Sat in front of the governor’s desk, he felt like he was back in school being threatened with expulsion.

“He assured me you could handle it, and I’m impressed to say you have. Hamish has told me you’ve been a huge help—”

“I’ve not handled it.” Rory laughed without humour. “I’m leaving this prison not having a clue who I am anymore.”

“You’re a police officer.”

“Am I? This”—he glanced around the office—“was my first assignment.”

The governor frowned. “Hamish assured me you had experience in undercover work.”

Rory shook his head. “My dad did undercover work. But he never spoke about it. Now I know why.”

“I’m sorry—”

“Did Hamish tell you about my sister?”

The governor’s brow furrowed. He shook his head.

“She died, almost four weeks ago now, and he didn’t tell me.”

“What?” The governor exhaled. His eyes widened. “Why wouldn’t he—”

Rory tried to remember Morris’s words. “I think he told you I was paying my respects to a friend.”

The governor’s lips popped open, but no words followed.

“That was my sister,” Rory said. He tried to swallow the hard lump in his throat, but it refused to go.

“I had no idea. I…” The governor trailed off, shaking his head. “I’m so sorry, Rory.”

“I lied before I went into prison, and I lied while I was here, but I don’t want to lie now that I’m leaving.”

The governor frowned. “What do you mean?”

“My time here is over. Sebastian’s in solitary, but his release, as far as I know, is still going ahead on Friday.”

“The officers saw Pauly attack first. Sebastian will still be released as planned.”

“I want to talk to him before I go.”

The governor sighed, then shook his head. “That doesn’t sound like a good idea.”

“It was all I could think about when we were locked down. I wrote him a letter that explains who I am and what I was doing here.” He lifted the folded piece of paper up for the governor to see. “Please let me give it to him.”

“He’s in solitary.”

“I know, but I need to do this.”

The governor looked at him for a long moment, then nodded. “I’ll go down there with you and open the hatch so you can give it to him.”

“Thank you.”

The governor squeezed his eyes shut. His shoulders dropped, then he whispered, “Your sister.”

Rory shook his head. He couldn’t think about Erica.

“Is there anything else I can do for you?” the governor asked.

Rory hesitated before slowly nodding. “I’d like to see Ollie and Captain. I came in with them. They were supposed to just be my cover, but they became a lot more than that. I owe them an explanation.”

“Okay,” the governor said softly. “I can do that.”

He picked up the phone on his desk, and it connected immediately. “Can you send Oliver Linton and Benjamin Tracy to my office?”

Rory closed his eyes and heard the governor putting the phone back in the holder. They waited in silence for a few minutes, then Rory asked with a croak in his voice, “Can I speak to them alone?”

The governor sighed. “I’ll wait outside.”

Rory listened to the governor getting to his feet, walking to the door, then passing through it. He released a slow breath and flexed his aching hands. It didn’t seem like much time had passed before the door opened again, and he looked over.

“What the hell is going on?” Ollie blurted, rushing into the room. Captain came in after him and stopped Ollie from coming any closer to Rory by gripping his shoulder.

“There’s…something I need to tell you,” Rory whispered.

“As long as it’s not about you being a police officer.” Ollie snorted.

Rory didn’t answer.

Ollie continued. “We heard Pauly tried to wind up Sebastian. He wanted him to attack you, but Sebastian saw through it.”

Rory got to his feet. “What Pauly said was true.”

“What?” Ollie snorted. “No, it isn’t.”

“It is, Ollie. I’m undercover. I was sent here to gather information on Sebastian. To unearth his plans for when he was released.”

Captain closed his eyes as he exhaled. Ollie pushed Captain’s hand from his shoulder and took a step closer. His skin paled, and he shook his head. “No.”

“I’m sorry.”

Ollie’s eyes were searching when they connected with Rory’s, and he didn’t see disbelief but a devastating realization.

“Take it back,” Ollie murmured.

Rory took a deep breath. His eyes were burning. “It wasn’t my intention to deceive you. I didn’t want to hurt either of you.”

“You’re not in here for eight years…” Ollie whispered. His brown eyes widened.

“No. I was sent here for nine months, the remainder of Sebastian’s sentence.”

Ollie’s bottom lip trembled. “You lied.”

“I did.”

“I thought we were friends—”

“We are.” Rory moved towards him, but Ollie’s hand shot up in a clear stop gesture.

“No, we’re not! Friends don’t lie like that. You—I told you about my dad.”

Rory hung his head. “I know.”

“I thought we’d be in here together… I thought I’d have you for eight of my nine years.”

“I know, but I’m not going to abandon you.”

“You’re going to stay then, are you?”

Rory shook his head. “I can’t stay. But I’ll visit you, write to you, I swear.”

Ollie jabbed a finger at Rory. “I want nothing from you.”

His face had reddened, and through blurring eyes, Rory saw Ollie getting visibly upset. Tears spilled over Ollie’s bottom lashes. “How could you do that? How could you make me think…”

“I’m sorry—”

“You get to go home! You get to walk out those gates, and go back to your life, and your family, and I’m left here to rot.”

“Ollie…” Rory pressed his hands together. “I really am sorry. I—I never wanted to hurt you.”

Ollie wiped aggressively at his face. “You know what…I wish that inmate that stabbed you on the first week had gone for your heart.”

Ollie turned away despite Rory pleading for him to wait. He opened the door, then slammed it behind himself.

“He doesn’t mean that,” Captain whispered.

“He does, and sometimes I wish it too.”

“Don’t say that…”

“Are you not going to yell at me, wish me dead?”

Captain shook his head, then murmured, “Of course not. That question about me working undercover suddenly makes sense.”

“You were right. It wasn’t worth it. It wasn’t worth hurting Ollie, lying to you, betraying Sebastian. I told you I can be evil too.”

“You’re not evil, Rory. You did what you had to…” Captain held out his hand. “It was nice meeting you.”

“Really?”

Captain smiled, and Rory clutched his hand.

“Promise me you’ll look after Ollie.”

“You know I will.”

Rory swallowed. “And you’ll take care of yourself.”

“I’ll do my best.”

Rory squeezed Captain’s hand harder. “I’m sorry…”

“Don’t be… I get it, I really do. And Rory…”

“Yes?”

“You take care of yourself too, understand?”

Rory didn’t answer.

Captain dropped his hand, then pulled Rory into a tight embrace.

“Write to me,” he said, then he let go and turned away.

Captain closed the door softly behind himself, and Rory collapsed on his chair. He held his face in his hands and rocked back and forth.

The door opened, and Rory knew the governor was standing behind him. “Are you ready to see Sebastian?”

Rory lifted his head. He wasn’t ready, he’d never be ready, but he had to do it.

“Yeah.” He grabbed his letter off the desk and got to his feet. “Let’s go.”

The governor opened the hatch, then stepped away. Rory kneeled on the floor, and when Sebastian’s face appeared in the opening, it took all his willpower not to break down in front of him.

“Rory? What the hell?” His eyes were round with worry, and he searched Rory’s face for answers. Rory couldn’t meet his gaze. He stared at the floor.

“Hey…” Sebastian mumbled, reaching through the hatch.

“Hands inside,” the governor muttered.

Sebastian huffed, then retracted his hand. “What’s wrong?”

“What Pauly said…” Rory took a deep breath. “It was true.”

Sebastian leaned away.

“I’m a police officer. My inspector planted me here to gather information on you.”

“Inspector…Hamish?”

Rory nodded, then looked down at the letter in his hand.

“I wrote you this. It explains everything. What I did, how I feel about you. Read it; you’ll never see me again, I swear. I’m going away—”

“I don’t want a letter.”

Rory scrunched up his face. “Please, please read it. I need you to.”

“No,” Sebastian snapped.

Rory shoved it through the hatch. “You have to take it. You have to let me apologize, have to let me explain.”

“I don’t want an apology.”

Rory flapped the letter. “Take it.”

Sebastian snatched it from his hand, then tore the letter in half, then into four, then into eights. He threw the pieces back through the door. “If you really want to explain, you’ll talk to me. You’ll explain to me while I can see you. While I can talk back.”

Rory licked his lips. They were salty from tears. “Okay… I—”

“No. Not here. Not where there’s people listening and I’m trapped in a box. Friday. Meet me outside the prison.”

“What?”

“Be there, in the car park,” Sebastian mumbled. “Then I’ll hear you out.”

He moved away from the hatch.

“Sebastian…”

“That’s enough now, Rory,” the governor whispered, “You gave him the letter, he didn’t want it. Now it’s time to go home.”

Rory got to his feet. “Home...”

Rory leaned against the wall outside the prison. He knew he should ask reception to call him a cab and go back to his flat, but he couldn’t. His mind had slammed the brakes on, and he was stuck, lost in a pit of his own making, with no clue how to climb out of it.

He had to go back to his flat. He had to contact the hospital and make arrangements for Erica, but he couldn’t even motivate himself to get a cab, let alone try to accept the loss of his sister.

It wouldn’t matter anyway; he’d be dead by Saturday.

There was no way Sebastian would let Rory’s betrayal go unpunished, and the knowledge was freeing in a sense.

A suited man stepped out of the reception door and immediately dropped all the files he was holding. He cursed, got down on his knees, and began collecting them. Rory stared numbly at all the scattered papers and folders.

The man got to his feet, slotted the files under his armpit, then glared at Rory. “So, you could’ve helped…”

Rory blinked out of his depressive state.

“What?”

The skin at the top of the man’s nose dented with a frown. His eyes were brown, and he had black-framed glasses. His hair was brown too, and his cheeks were sprinkled with faint freckles.

“I dropped all my stuff over the ground, and you stood there and stared.”

“I’m sorry, I… Can I help?”

The man huffed. “I’m okay now, thanks, but what about you?”

“Me?”

“You look like you’re a million miles away.”

Rory sighed. “I really wish I was.”

“Want to talk about it?”

“I’m not comfortable talking to a complete stranger about how I so spectacularly messed up my life.”

“Sometimes it’s best to talk to a complete stranger,” the man said, then craned his neck down and pointed to his badge with his chin.

“Doctor Jarvis,” Rory mumbled. “You’re the prison therapist.”

Jarvis smiled. “That’s me. My car’s over there. I can give you a ride if you want?”

“Really?”

“I wouldn’t have said so unless I meant it. Come on.”

Rory nodded, then followed Jarvis to his car. Jarvis placed his files and folders on the backseat, then got into the front. Rory hesitated for a moment, then climbed into the passenger seat.

“So, you know who I am… Who are you?”

Rory flexed his aching hands. “Rory Price—no, that’s not right.” He sighed. “Rory Matterson.”

“You changed names pretty quick just then…”

“I was in the prison.”

Jarvis dropped his gaze to Rory’s knuckles, then glanced back up. “Have you escaped?”

“They’ve let me go. I was undercover.”

“I see, and now you’re feeling lost, unsure what to do next?”

Rory nodded. “I don’t feel like myself anymore. I don’t feel like anything. I’m numb, and I have no idea how to make myself feel again.”

Jarvis whistled. “Well, that’s more than one session right there.”

Rory laughed at his lap. “Tell me about it…”

“Okay, I will. I don’t know what happened inside, but you can’t be around people and not start to care, start to identify, to adapt. Now you’re out, you’ve lost your identity, the person you were before has gone and you don’t know how to get back to who you were.”

“So how do I do it?”

“Unless you have a time machine, you can’t.”

“Damn it.”

Jarvis chuckled and twitched his nose. “So you can’t go back, but what did you like about yourself before you went inside?”

“I wanted to do the right thing. I wanted to be a good person. A good police officer. Most of all, a good…brother.”

“And you feel like you’re not?”

“I hurt people, and I hurt myself.” Rory frowned down at his hands. “I don’t mean physically. I wish it was all physical. Physical pain gets better, it softens, or you get used to it, and it’s not as intense, but the feeling in my chest. The loss, the guilt, the shame. I let down everyone I cared about, and now I’m on my own, and it hurts, but I deserve that hurt.”

“I can’t stop it hurting. Only you can.”

“How?”

“Do you still want to do the right thing? Do you still want to be a good person?”

“Yeah, of course, but I don’t see how I can.”

“You could try making it up to some of the people you feel like you let down.”

Rory frowned, then glanced up at Jarvis. He blinked in quick succession, then kept staring.

Jarvis hummed. “You’re looking at me funny.”

“Captain—Benjamin Tracy.”

Jarvis stiffened. “What about him?”

“Did you get his letter?”

“I got it.”

Rory shuffled forward on his seat. “Do you forgive him?”

“There was nothing to forgive.”

“But you shut him down, said you didn’t want to see him again. He scared you.”

Jarvis bit his lip and closed his eyes. “I’m not going to lie; it was terrifying when he started shouting—”

“I swear he’s not like that. He looked out for me when I was inside. He’s one of the people I’ve let down. He’s suffering, and he needs someone to talk to. Please—”

Jarvis raised his hand. “Stop, stop, stop, let me finish.”

Rory pressed his lips together.

“I was terrified, but more than my own fear, I was scared for him. Scared I wouldn’t be able to help him. We’re the same age, but I’ve never seen a dead body, never been in a fist fight, let alone a firefight. I ride horses and collect stamps and have afternoon tea with my mum in her mansion.” He sighed. “For most of the inmates in here, I know enough, can help them cope with being inside, or the crime they’ve committed, or any troubles that plague them, but Benjamin… He was right. I don’t have a clue what he’s been through, or what it was like, or how to help him. I’m worried I’ll let him down.”

“So your solution is not to see him at all, not to try?”

“It’s the best I could come up with.”

“You could help. You might be able to sort through the mess of his head. Unburden him.”

Jarvis reached for the glove compartment, and Rory shifted his knees out of the way.

He opened it up and retrieved a folded piece of paper.

“He apologized for scaring me, but it should be me apologizing to him for being a coward.”

Jarvis unfolded the paper. “There’s so much self-hatred and self-loathing in this letter. I can practically feel the despair when I read it, and I want to help, but if I mess it up, I could make it worse. I’m not an idiot. I know inmates smuggle in alcohol, and he’s an addict. He could start drinking again if I push, and I couldn’t bear it if I—”

“About that.” Rory winced. “He’s already relapsed once—”

“What?”

“After you wouldn’t see him.”

Jarvis pressed the letter to his face. “God… That wasn’t my intention.”

“He stopped, but he’s still taking anti-anxiety medication, and sleeping tablets, and whatever else that doctor put him on.”

Jarvis snorted. “Throw pills at a problem, and hope it’ll go away. I can’t stand doctors like that…”

“Please, will you see Cap—Benjamin, even if it’s once, just to say you accept his apology or to explain why you don’t think you’ll be able to help.”

“I don’t know if that’s—”

“It would help him. It really would.”

Jarvis sighed, then nodded. “Okay… I’ll see if I can arrange an appointment with him tomorrow.”

Rory pressed his hands together. “Thank you.”

Something lightened in his chest. It was a small thing, but he still felt the relief of it lifting away.

“Now, where am I taking you?”

Jarvis stuck the keys into the ignition but didn’t start the car.

“My flat, it’s just outside the city, if that’s okay?”

“I can’t leave you moping outside the prison gate like a lost puppy, can I?”

“No.” Rory nodded to himself. “Not when I’ve got making up to do…”

Rory peered out of the window at Ollie’s aunt and uncle’s house. As soon as he’d got back to his flat, he scanned through his file on Oliver Linton and found their address. He called a cab and drummed his fingers on his knees for the entire two-hour journey.

That was as far as his planning went. He had no idea what he was going to say when he knocked on their door.

The driver spoke over his shoulder. “Are you getting out or what?”

“Yeah… Will you wait?”

“As long as I get paid for the time.”

“Of course.”

The driver reclined his chair and shuffled to get comfortable. “In that case, take as long as you want.”

Rory took a deep breath before getting out of the car. He stepped up the cobbled path, then struck the door with his knuckles. He frowned at the voices inside the house, then the door opened on Ollie’s aunt.

She was tall, thin, with black hair and dark eyes.

“Hello, I’m—”

“Asher!” she yelled over her shoulder. Rory bit his lip, waiting, and ten seconds later, her husband appeared in the doorway.

“Maggie and Asher Linton, I’m—”

“Who are you?” Asher snapped.

He didn’t look a thing like Ollie despite being his uncle. His hair was threadbare, mousy brown, and his eyes were sunken and tired-looking.

“I’m police officer Rory Matterson. I’m here about Oliver…”

Maggie slapped her hand over her mouth. “What’s happened?”

“Nothing, he’s fine.” Rory paused, then shook his head. “Actually, he’s not fine. He’s going mad not knowing how Leo is. His letters go unanswered, and he hasn’t had a single visitor since he’s been inside.”

Maggie dropped her hand from her mouth, then glared at Asher. “I told you we should’ve visited.”

Asher shook his head. “We’re just about getting Leo settled. Seeing Oliver will tip him over the edge.”

“You can’t cut Ollie out like that,” Rory said. “He loves his brother.”

“We’re Leo’s guardians. We need to do what is best for Leo. I won’t allow him to visit his brother.”

“Why not?”

“Leo’s barely spoken; he’s finally coming out of his shell. He doesn’t want to see Oliver, not after what he did.”

“Ollie needs support in there too.”

Asher snorted. “He murdered his dad, my brother.”

“That man was abusive,” Rory replied, doing his best to keep his voice level.

“I know my brother could be hot-headed. He had a temper, and he used his fists more than he should’ve.”

“He hit them. He hurt them. He made their lives miserable. All Ollie wanted was for Leo to be safe. I don’t agree with murder, but he was trapped and scared, and he didn’t know what else to do.”

“When Leo’s eighteen, he can decide for himself.”

“At least let him write. Ollie watches that mail cart pass by every day, always waiting—”

“How do you know so much about him, huh?”

“I was inside with him. During an undercover assignment, I struck up a bond with your nephew.”

“Don’t call him that,” Asher snapped. “He’s nothing to me. He showed no remorse, no guilt, and until he does, I don’t want to see him, and I won’t let Leo see him either.”

Rory turned his attention to Maggie. “He’s eighteen, he’s a kid, and he needs you.”

“What are you shouting about?”

Rory took a step back at the sound of the voice, so similar to Ollie’s, only slightly croakier, as if his voice was breaking.

“Police officer Matterson was just leaving,” Asher replied.

“Police officer?”

Asher was shoved aside, and Rory took another step back when he saw Leo. He had the same blond messy hair, huge brown eyes, and the dimple in his chin. He looked like Ollie, but before puberty had matured him.

“My brother…” Leo’s eyes bugged. “Is he okay?”

“No,” Rory answered honestly, struck by Leo’s similar expressions. “He misses you like crazy.”

Leo’s eyes filled with tears. “I miss him too.”

“You’ve barely mentioned him,” Asher grumbled.

Leo stiffened. “I feel like I can’t talk about him, or what happened.”

“Exactly…seeing Ollie will tip you over the edge.”

“That’s not what I meant. When I talk about him, you shut me down, you change the subject and you have this hateful expression on your face, but I want to talk about him. I want to see him.”

“When you’re eighteen,” Asher said firmly.

Leo turned back to Rory. “How come he’s not writing to me? He said he would when he got taken down, he promised, but he hasn’t sent a single letter.”

Rory gawped, then looked at Asher.

Asher glared back.

“What aren’t you telling me?” Leo asked, glancing between them. “Has he written to me?”

“He may have written a letter or two,” Asher mumbled.

Rory shook his head. “He’s written to you every week for the past nine months.”

Leo’s mouth stammered. “W…what?”

“He wants to tell you he’s sorry, and that he loves you, and I don’t know what else he puts in the letters, but he sends them with such hope on his face.”

Leo heaved, and he brushed away the tears on his cheeks. “Where are these letters?”

“We thought it was for the best,” Asher murmured. “You can have a fresh start here.”

“I don’t want a fresh start if he’s not in it. I’m not going to cut my brother out of my life, not when he’s the only reason I’ve got one.”

Asher bristled. “There’s no need for dramatics. My brother wasn’t perfect, but—”

“I need him,” Leo insisted.

“And he needs you,” Rory finished.

Leo spoke to his aunt. “Let me see him…”

Before she could answer, Asher did.

“No. You’re under eighteen. You need our consent.”

“You can stop me seeing him, but you can’t stop me writing to him.” He turned to Rory. “Right? They can’t stop me from writing to him?”

“No. They can’t.”

“Have you got his letters?” Leo asked, sounding desperate.

Maggie bit her lip. “I kept them for when you turned eighteen.”

“Have you opened them?”

“No.”

“Please let me have them, please.” Leo put his hands together and full-on begged. “Please and let me write to him.”

Maggie gazed at Leo, then nodded. Asher sneered at her, but she threw her hands up in the air and hissed, “They’re brothers. They’ve got no one else.”

Leo bolted back into the house, and Maggie went after him.

Asher shook his head. “Ollie was always a problem child. At school and at home. He’s not a good kid.”

“No. He’s not good, he’s great. Clever, and kind, and fun and fucking amazing at art. He’s gone through more shit than I can imagine.”

“You don’t even know Ollie—”

“I do, and I was so lucky to know him, and Leo is lucky to have him as a brother.”

The door was slammed in his face, and he expected the clunk of a lock, but there was only silence.

Rory prayed he’d done enough.