Chapter 18

Amon

My knuckles rap against the door, not seeking permission but warning that I'm entering. Rory's head pops up from his pillow, red-rimmed and misty. He's defeated, something I haven't witnessed since the first few days after he summoned me.

The impact of his sadness almost knocks me back, pinching at my heart in a way I've never experienced.

"What's wrong?" I ask, lowering myself onto the bed beside him.

"Oh, Amon," he sobs, throwing himself at me as I stare at the top of his head in shock. I've always struggled with this—showing affection and caring for others. My discomfort is pushed aside as I wrap my arms around him, letting my fingertips glide along his spine.

Cas studies me as he drops onto Rory's other side, curling against his back as he reaches for his hand. "Talk to us, baby," Cas whispers into Rory's hair, pushing it out of his face and raking his nails against his scalp. Once again, I'm hit with a potent rush of inadequacy that makes me feel like I'm invading on a private moment, but I push it aside.

Rory wants me here. He needs my comfort.

"It's stupid," he whispers, a hiccup interrupting his words.

"Anything that hurts you could never be stupid," I say, and Cas nods his agreement. Rory is quiet for a long time, refusing to share what's upset him because of the misguided fear of judgement.

Something deep inside me thrashes, needing to take away his pain.

My chest tightens, pulse rapid-firing as I muster my courage. If I want Rory to open up, I have to be willing to do the same, even if the words are whispered. "I left because I was scared."

"What?" He twists his head to me with those sorrowful, mossy eyes that pierce my heart.

"That day in the bedroom, you asked why I left the kitchen. You said you could sense that I was upset, and I walked out." His eyes never leave me as he nods.

"You and Cas are effortless together, Rory… you always have been. I watched as you both laughed and talked, and it was a reminder of what I could never offer. You made it seem so easy, so fucking simple, but I felt like an outsider." I turn away, unable to hold his gaze as I finish my thought. "I was jealous."

"Throughout my entire life, I have kept everyone at arm's length, never seeking or desiring anyone's affection or approval. Even with the soft spot I've always had for Cas, our relationship was clearly defined. There were never any blurred lines or confusion." I force myself to look at him. "Not until you."

His lips wobble in a tiny tremble as I plant a gentle kiss on them. "And then this maddeningly innocent human summoned me to Earth, and he was kind and sweet and had a soul so beautiful it made me question everything I've ever done."

Cas meets my eyes from beyond Rory. His usual devil-may-care attitude has vanished, replaced by an unwavering attention that is laser-focused on me. Rory's voice wobbles as he says, "Sounds pretty amazing," and I blow a laugh through my nose.

"The most amazing." The half smile on my face fades as my demeanor becomes somber once more. "Ever since we got here, you've been chipping away at the walls that guarded my heart for centuries, and that was the day the first crack formed. The first time I'd ever wanted more. Suddenly, these intense emotions were flooding into this tiny hole in my defenses, and I was drowning. I had no idea how to handle what I felt for you… both of you." My cheeks burn as I meet both their eyes, but there's no judgement.

Cas whispers my name, but I shake my head and drop my gaze to the blankets.

"None of it makes any sense to me. It has been mere weeks since I met you, Rory, and Cas has been a constant presence in my life for decades, as nothing more than a fling . I was afraid to lower my guard, and you still came back to me. Why did you always come back?"

It's a rhetorical question, one that doesn't require an answer, but Cas tries. "Amon," he says again, his voice turning urgent.

I shake my head, powering forward before I talk myself out of it. "How can my feelings for both of you consume me so completely? It's all so fucking confusing. I'm a demon—a creature crafted from the very fire of Hell."

Cas rolls his eyes at that, muttering something that sounds like, "Dramatic much?"

I glare at him for a second before sighing and letting my head sag. "It is not in my nature to love another." Heavy silence envelops us as I gather the strength to say what needs to be said, sensing the importance of the moment. It's a tipping point.

A precipice.

A pivotal juncture that has the potential to shape my extensive life.

"But I do," I finally say, forcing myself to meet their gazes instead of avoiding them. "I love you, Rory." His eyes widen as I shift to Cas. "And, as fate would have it, it turns out I love you as well, Casimir."

For a terrifying moment, no one says a word. Fear wraps its icy fingers around my heart and constricts, stealing the oxygen from my lungs as I swallow. It's the only sound in the silent room.

Did I misread everything ?

Preternaturally still, Cas only stares, the red glow building behind his solid black eyes. And then he moves, scrambling over Rory to climb in my lap.

"I've loved you for years," he blurts, and relief whooshes through me like a strong wind, allowing me to take my first full breath in what feels like days. Once his words register in my brain, it's my turn to be shocked.

"You never said anything."

Cas scoffs and rolls his eyes, the action easing the tension. "You never wanted me to," he says gently. "Imagine if I burst into the room, confessing my love for you when we were supposed to keep things casual. What would you have done? You would've run, and it would've been over."

The truth in his words makes me wince, so I just nod as he continues. "It was selfish of me, but I wanted you… any part you were willing to give me. Any piece of yourself that could be mine, even if for a short time."

"Cas," I whisper, my chest physically aching at the realization.

He shakes his head, turning to Rory. "And I've loved you since the minute I laid eyes on you. You were always it for me." He leans in as Cas wraps his arms around us both, and something inside me is lighter at the weight of them against me.

They're mine.

After a few moments of peaceful quiet, Cas pulls back. "Please, Rory… let us help you. Tell us what's wrong."

His eyes bounce between us as his shoulder slump, then after what seems like forever, he deflates with a long breath. "It's Johnny."

"Who's Johnny?" I demand, ready to bury a body, while Cas is thoughtful.

"Your ex?"

Rory winces as he nods, his cheeks flushing. "It shouldn't matter, and I shouldn't care… I know I shouldn't care… and I swear I wasn't even cyberstalking him, but a friend of mine shared a post and I saw it…" My eyes widen with every word, only comprehending half of what he is saying, and Cas is just as puzzled.

"Slow down," he soothes, smoothing Rory's hair away from his face. The stubborn red coil pops right back over his forehead, and Cas just smiles, tucking it behind his ear. It calms Rory, and he tries again.

"Johnny is my ex," he explains, meeting my eyes. "We were together for years until he left me for someone else… someone younger and better-looking."

"Stop that," I growl, and he gives me a rueful smile.

"It's not like I miss him, because I don't. I rarely even think about him, but someone shared an announcement about their engagement. The party is tonight at a ritzy, exclusive club, and they both look stunning while I'm sitting here in my PJs crying in bed. It's… pathetic."

Cas and I exchange glances and nod in unison. "Alright, let's go." So much confusion paints Rory's face that I touch my hair, wondering if Cas's mishap spread to me.

"We can't just… go."

"Why not?" I ask. "Is this party somewhere private?"

Cas waves a hand dismissively. "Doesn't matter, we can break in."

"N-no," Rory stutters, shaking his head. "The nightclub is ‘technically' open to everyone." He flexes his fingers in the air with the word, and I furrow my brow at the action. "But the line always wraps around the building, and you only get in if you're hot enough."

Cas gasps, loud and dramatic, as his hand lands over his heart. "Are you saying I'm not hot enough?"

Rory's posture loosens a fraction, a smile playing on his lips. "You are definitely hot enough… both of you are… but me…"

"That's it," I decide, clapping my hands as I stand, and Cas tumbles to the floor with a surprised shout. "We're going."

Rory's mouth opens and closes like a fish before he snaps out of it. "We can't— "

"We can, and we will," I argue, grabbing his hands and pulling him to his feet. Cas glares at me from a heap on the ground, and I relent and help him up as well. "I want to meet this Johnny," I sneer, hating the taste of his name in my mouth, "and show him exactly what he's been missing."