Chapter 25 Shea

I had never felt more powerful or more free in my entire life than I did right now as I studied the grimoire.

The book was mine. Not just something unavailable and in my possession, but literally mine. And after—accidentally—unlocking it with my blood, reading through its pages was my new addiction. Now that the countercurse for Tobias had been performed successfully, I could finally disappear into my room and throw myself back into it.

There were spells for everything in here. Love spells, hate spells, healing spells, curses and blessings. Spells for luck, spells for wealth, spells for truth and wisdom. With this at my disposal, there was nothing I couldn't do.

And no one I couldn't help—or at least, try to help.

If only the Dome would accept such a thing from me. There were so many protection spells in here, it was ridiculous. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink…

The only thing I hadn't found yet was a resurrection spell. Not a lasting one anyway. There was a spell called The Dead Speak , which would bring a recently deceased person back for a few minutes only for the purpose of getting answers, but the warnings covering the page suggested even that employed major consequences on the caster.

As I'd learned, messing with the boundaries between life and death was dangerous and unpredictable—and not something to be entered into lightly.

And yet…I couldn't not look for something. Julian said he believed Alice wanted him to be happy and that he was ready to let her go. Selfishly, of course, I wanted to keep him to myself. He was beautiful and kind, and tortured in a way that made him even more precious. But if I could do this for him, even if it meant living without him, how could I not?

Especially when I also had Caesar.

Okay, I still couldn't really get over that. Two guys. I had two guys who were both amazing, and somehow, they both wanted me, enough to share with each other—God, it sounded crazy when I tried to put it into words like that.

If there was anything this situation had taught me, it was that love didn't have rules or limits. If I could love both Julian and Caesar, and they could both love me and each other…wasn't there also room for Julian to love Alice?

Though I couldn't possibly expect her to be willing to share, and I was prepared for that. Sort of.

Fuck, this was complicated.

After an hour or so of reading, to no other avail than finding other interesting spells and marking them with a sticky note for later use, there was a knock on my door.

"Come in." I peeled my eyes away from the current page and looked up.

Gram gently pushed the door open and hung in the doorway, a smile creeping onto her face at seeing me in my present state. "Any news from Tobias?"

I shook my head even as I checked the phone beside me, and I probably wouldn't have heard ping anyway because I was too invested. There were, in fact, no new messages.

"No, he must not have gotten to Arya yet," I said. "Or maybe it'll take time for him to know for sure if it worked."

She stepped into the room, a confident smile on her face. "Oh, it worked. I know I've been out of the game for a long time, but you don't get to be as old a witch as me without knowing what activation feels like."

I cocked my head. "What do you mean?"

She narrowed her eyes thoughtfully at me. "Couldn't you feel it? That subtle yet undeniable shift in reality that told you something had been vitally altered? That bending of the universe to a new mode of operation?"

I considered that for a moment. With all the magic I'd done so far, it was really hard to know if my aims had worked. The physical things were obvious, like conjuring fire or turning myself into a kitten—which reminded me I needed to research the potions section of the grimoire.

But for the more abstract spells, it was certainly harder to tell, especially if they didn't directly relate to me. Like snaring a vampire. I only knew it worked because I could see it happening. And, I guess, I could also feel a tug on my willpower.

This countercurse for Tobias was completely new. A spell that had no effect on me save for the slight drain on my magic. I couldn't tell if I felt what Gram was referring to.

Ultimately, I just shrugged and frowned in response.

She chuckled and came to sit beside me on my bed. "That's okay. You're still very new to magic. In time, you'll learn these things. Likely, even more than me."

"You know, I could be a lot farther along… Just saying…" I teased because I couldn't help it.

Gram gave me that long-suffering maternal look of hers but then nodded. "I know. I had thought I was protecting you, but I didn't account for the fact that you are your mother's daughter, and that when you put your mind to something, there's no stopping you. I realize now that I should have given you the tools to protect yourself. That is a mistake I will have to live with."

Sadness dragged on her features, sending a sting of guilt through my heart.

"Hey, no harm was done," I said. "I'm still here, kicking ass and taking names."

She threw her head back and laughed so hard that her belly bounced on her lap, which also made me laugh.

"I know. You were born to be an excellent witch. I'm sorry it took me so long to see it, but I'm proud to be able to help you now." She wrapped an arm around my shoulders and squeezed me into a side hug.

Even at this awkward angle, her hugs were just the best.

"There is something I've been meaning to talk to you about," she prefaced, and I instinctively braced for a lecture.

I set the book, still open, onto the bed in front of me to give her my full attention.

"The vampire who gave you the grimoire," she began slowly, seeming to struggle with choosing her next words, and I gulped. "He asked you to help him bring back a lost love?"

I nodded hesitantly, my insides squirming with preemptive discomfort after years of these conversations turning into long, drawn out fights.

"Considering he is a vampire, how long has his lover been dead?" she asked.

I twisted my lips as I tried and failed to come up with an exact number. "Something like a hundred years."

She nodded. "I'll spare you the lecture on the dangers of necromancy except for one."

She leaned forward slightly so that she could look into my eyes, and my breath hitched nervously.

"Even when death is recent, necromancy is a dark business with great costs. But the longer the gap since death, the more gory the repercussions. To bring back someone who has been dead for a century…" She shook her head, her eyes widening for a second. "The chances of such a thing going well are so slim that it's almost impossible."

I chewed on my bottom lip, feeling foolish and chided even though I knew that wasn't her intention.

"There are other things that lurk in the shadows, Shea," she continued in a low tone that chilled me to the bone. "Malevolent entities so desperate for life that they'll weasel their way in at any and every opportunity. Considering how long this woman…"

"Alice," I supplied.

She nodded. "Considering how long Alice has been dead, her soul has very likely moved on, and what you would bring back would not be her."

I shivered, scenes from Practical Magic playing in my head.

"And even if you could bring her back, she may not want to come back," Gram added. "If I were at peace, I don't think I'd take kindly to being dragged away from it, especially to a body that had been long dead and would need copious amounts of magic and maintenance to inhabit again."

I didn't give any kind of response. I was both saddened and relieved by all this. Relieved because it might mean I'd never have to say goodbye to Julian. Sad because it might mean I could never give him the one thing that would make him truly happy.

"Can I make a suggestion?" she asked when I'd been quiet for too long.

"Of course," I all but squeaked like a mouse, then cleared my throat.

"May I?" She gestured with both hands open toward the grimoire.

I nodded, picking it up and helping to place it in her lap.

She held a hand a few inches above it, and suddenly, the pages began to flip rapidly until they landed on a section toward the very back I hadn't gotten to yet.

"Whoa," I gasped. "How did you do that?"

She gave me a wry, sideways smile. "The book is tied to our blood. Now that it knows us, it can respond to our magical signature—and our intentions." She winked.

I stowed that information away for later as a badass trick I would absolutely have to try out and leaned forward to inspect the pages that were open in front of her.

"Wedj Joo Ka," I read the title out loud.

"It means to summon a spirit," Gram said.

"Oh, I think I'm pickin' up what you're puttin' down," I said. "You're suggesting we summon Alice. To see what she wants?"

She nodded, and my excitement at the prospect fizzled out as terror suddenly struck me.

Certainly, Alice would know of my relationship with Julian. What if what she wanted was for me to leave him? What if her ghost cursed me out and demanded I cut ties with him or she'd haunt me? At the very least, it would be mortifying for Gram to learn of my feelings for Julian that way, and at the worst, I could be inviting a vengeful spirit into our lives.

"Shea?" Gram prompted.

I let out a shaky breath. Okay, I didn't really think Alice was that kind of person. Julian praised her as sweet and kind. And this way, at least I'd have some kind of answer by the end of it.

"Okay, let's do it," I said.

She put a comforting hand on my back. "Don't worry. I'm here with you. I'll make sure no dark entities come through."

My eyes widened. I didn't even think about that. Clearly, that's where she thought my hesitation came from, and it was certainly adding to it now!

"Give me your hand," she requested, holding her hand out between us.

I took it, digging down inside of me for my courage and reminding myself that I was, in fact, a badass witch. No fear, Shea. No fear.

Gram began to recite the spell, and I joined along.

"Iyoo wedj ka em Alice Le Fey," we chanted. "Nehep en peret."

The air began to stir with static electricity, humming and buzzing around us. We repeated the words, and the hairs on my arms stood on end. I could feel our collective magic reaching out into the unseeable void and snagging on something, like the tug of a bite on a fishing pole.

Whispers rose from the silence around us, instilling me with an alarming sense of being watched. We were definitely attracting the attention of other beings, though I couldn't tell if they were friendly or menacing.

"Once more," Gram said.

We spoke the spell a third time, and as the last word escaped my lips, a sharp tug pulled at me, stealing the air from my lungs. I slammed both hands to my chest in panic, feeling as if I was about to fall out of myself. My heart galloped in my chest, my pulse pounding in my temples, and my eyes practically bugged out of my skull as I desperately worried what the hell was going on.

Gram cupped my face in both hands, the concern on her face mirroring my emotions. "Shea, what's wrong?"

"I–I–I don't know," I replied shakily. "It felt like I was being pulled out of my skin, like some hook was yanking on every part of me." I turned wide, terrified eyes to her. "Do you think some demon is trying to possess me or something?"

The creases on her face returned to their normally wrinkled state, an expression of both understanding and what looked like awe forming. "Oh my goodness," she breathed.

"What?!" I squealed.

"The tapestry of fate is cleverly woven, indeed," she said.

"What the hell does that mean?" I pleaded.

"Shea, you can't resurrect Alice because her soul resides inside you."

We stared at each other for a long moment, my breathing steadily slowing and my heart rate settling as I registered her words with embarrassing slowness.

I can't resurrect Alice because her soul…

Holy shit! Holy. Fucking. Shit!

"I'm… I'm Alice Le Fey reincarnated," I said slowly, unsure myself whether I was stating it or asking it.

I was only distantly aware of Gram nodding in response as my mind replayed over dozens of things that had happened between Julian and me.

The first time he saw me, he thought I was her. He said I looked like her, that I reminded him of her. My magic felt like hers to him. I was descended from her and now was in possession of her grimoire, which was also mine. And I'd been drawn to Julian since the first time I saw him, as he had been drawn to me.

It all made sense. Wonderfully, beautifully perfect sense.

A slow, gloriously grateful smile spread my lips, and tears began to drop from my lashes.

"You love him, don't you?" Gram surmised.

"Yes," I said with so much joy I could barely breathe. "And now I know I don't have to feel guilty for it. And neither does he."