Chapter 38

THIRTY-EIGHT

H is words repeat in my head as hope dares to take root in my chest, hope that Evan isn't gone yet.

He mistakes my silence for refusal and turns away. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have asked?—"

"No," I croak, sitting up taller. "I'll tell you anything you want to know. If pulling myself apart will let me keep you, I'll do it time and time again," I say as he looks at me. "I can't live without you, rich boy. I've realized that these last few days. You're the best thing to ever storm into my life, and I don't want to lose you. I was a dumbass, but if you give me another chance, I'll do and be better. I want to try. I want to deserve you. Do you think we can ever fix this?"

"I don't know, but we can try," he murmurs. "What did you mean?"

Looking away, I debate how to start before I turn to him and let it pour from me. I tell him about the party and Matty. "I thought I could trust him, and I almost died that night, Evan, just because they found out I liked a guy, and the guy himself was part of it. It fucked me up, but when I got home, my dad didn't care, and I got so mad. I was so fucking tired of hiding who I was to make everyone happy that I admitted I was gay. He lost it and attacked me. He told me if I ever said it again, he would kill me."

"Alek."

"He wasn't a good dad. He was always filled with anger. Usually, it was directed at me for doing stupid shit. I suppose it forced me to grow up faster?—"

"Alek, you shouldn't have had to grow up faster. You should have been allowed to be a kid. You should have been protected and cared for. You didn't need to grow up. You needed to be loved."

I swallow as I stare into his eyes. "I thought it was wrong to be what I was, and I convinced myself I was wrong, that I wasn't gay, to make them happy so it never happened again. I started a new life, and I tried so hard to be what everyone wanted, especially after my parents died. I thought it would free me, but I had to grow up and take care of Alice, and I knew in a world where people like me were not accepted, it would cause her issues. I was scared, Evan, so I buried it deep down, but I didn't even realize it until I met you. I think that's why I hated you so much at first—because I wanted you. I saw you, and you made it all come back. You made me want things I swore were just a bad dream or a teenage rebellion.

"You forced me to face who I was, but then I didn't care because I got you, and I had never been so happy. I was finally open with myself and learning that it was okay, and I'm sorry, Evan, but when you asked me to kiss you at the party, it just all came back. I couldn't breathe, and it felt like the past all over again. I should have told you, but talking was never my strong suit. I always fuck things up; it's who I am. I don't deserve you, Evan, but I fucking want you more than I've ever wanted anything. You are the only thing in this world that makes me happy, that makes me have hope. You are the only person I have ever let in, let love me, even when I didn't think I was allowed to be loved."

He watches me, his eyes glassy as I speak, and I surge forward, letting it pour from me. "I messed this up, and I hurt you, but I never wanted to. You're the last person in this world I wanted to hurt, but I did, and I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm still letting my past mess with my present. I'm really trying to come to terms with everything. I'm not saying I won't hurt you again or fuck up, but I'll do everything I can to fix it. Evan Shaw, you are my entire world. I wasn't living until you came along. I was existing. You brought sunshine back into my life, you brought back hope and dreams and laughter, and I can't go back to living without it . . . to living without you."

Swallowing my pride, I reach over and lay my hand next to his, letting him choose. "I wish—no, I want to be what you want, what you need. I want to be able to kiss you in a party full of people. I want to take your hand in public and let everyone know you're mine. I want to be everything you need, and I swear I'll try, Evan. Give me one chance, pretty boy, and I'll love you with everything inside me until the day I die."

His fingers slowly cover mine, and I know we are going to be okay. Tears drip from my eyes, and he reaches up, wiping them away. "Okay," he whispers. "We'll do this together and face your past and our future. We don't have to rush this. Let's try again, but no more secrets or hiding. If we are in this, we are in this together."

"Together," I murmur, pressing my forehead to his. "I missed you so much, pretty boy."

"I missed you too," he whispers, and his eyes drop to my lips before he goes to pull away, but I wrap my hand around the back of his head and kiss him softly. How could something this good ever be bad? I don't care who's around me. I don't care about anything but us.

I no longer care who sees or what they think. There is nothing worse they can do to me than what I've done to myself, and there is nothing in this world that holds a candle to losing Evan. I'll take their judgment if I get to keep my sunshine. I'll be his darkness and his barrier from it all.

"I love you," I whisper proudly.

"I love you too," he replies with a grin. "And one day, you'll love yourself the way I love you. I promise, Alek, that I'll erase everything they did to you, and if I ever meet them, I'll kill them for what they put you through." He means it, and for some reason, it makes me cry, knowing this sunshine would risk it all just to hurt those who hurt me.

"I might just let you," I admit weakly.

Laying my head on his shoulder, I let him hold me as I let go of all anger, pain, and resentment .

I just exist in Evan's arms, letting him put me back together.

We sit in comfortable silence, our hands twined on his thigh, our arms around one another as we look at the water. Hope flourishes between us—a second chance.

It's the happiest I've ever been, and I know I'll never let Evan go again. This is it for me. The boy I was never supposed to fall for has become my everything, and no matter what anyone else thinks, we are in this for the long run.

We are a forever kind of thing, and that's so beautiful.

I don't need to shine like him, but I will be his umbrella from the rain.

With the good comes the bad, however, and when my phone vibrates, I sit up and accept the call without glancing at it.

"Alek," the shaky voice says.

"Alice, what's wrong?" I ask, instantly on high alert. Evan is right there with me, his eyes wide and worried. "Alice."

"Can you come home?" she sobs. "Please, just come home."

"I'll be right there. Stay there." I hang up and grab Evan, dragging him toward my car.

"What is it?" he asks. "Is she okay?"

"Something's wrong," I croak, terror making my heart race.

Please, whoever is listening, don't hurt my sister just because I'm happy.