Chapter 20

TWENTY

H is head lifts, and his eyes clash with mine, his usual vibrancy gone. He appears lost, and I hate the dejected look on his beautiful face. I hate the way he just stares, as if he's unsure if he should be here.

I keep reminding myself of all the reasons why I should avoid Evan Shaw, but one look at his face right now and I know all the reasons I should stay.

He needs me, and I'm a bastard because I stay. I let him need me. I let it bind us together even though I shouldn't. This won't end well, but then again, every ending is a messy one no matter what people tell themselves. There is no such thing as a good ending. It's just an end—messy, hurtful, and isolating—but it doesn't mean it isn't worth taking the chance.

"Evan?" I repeat, and he blinks. When his bright eyes meet mine once more, they burn, and that allows me to breathe easier. "Are you okay?" I ask as the wind whistles through the trees.

His brows furrow slightly, making this adorable little crease between them. "I will be," is all he says, his voice soft and almost sorrowful.

He's here, though, next to me despite everything .

I glance down at my half-eaten sandwich, and without a word, since I tend to fuck things up between us when I speak, I hand over the other half. He takes it with a blink, glancing from it to me before taking a bite. I look back at my book and continue eating, a comfortable, companionable silence stretching between us.

When I finish eating and finish my chapter, I close my book and lean back against the bench. He's fiddling with his camera, and I watch his long fingers as they move expertly over it. "How are your courses going?"

He jerks from the suddenness of my voice, swinging his head around to look at me. Embarrassment heats my cheeks. I really am rusty at this shit, but he doesn't seem to mind as a small smile tilts up his pink lips.

"It's going well. I really like my teachers and classes. Some of them are hard, but the good kind of hard, you know? They push you to think and do better. Then again, I was confident about this project, and my teacher just told me to rethink my entire photo shoot. I was so confident about it." His smile fades as he gazes at the water. "Have you ever felt like that? Like you were so right, so sure of your actions, but then they turn out to be completely wrong, and it just leaves you feeling?—"

"Lost," I finish.

He nods, glancing back at me. "So, yeah, he says I need to find my passion, something else to photograph, so that's why I'm here, searching for it."

"Did you find it?" I ask. If anyone can, it's Evan. No matter what I think of him, it's clear he doesn't give up. Hell, him chasing me tells me that.

"I think so." The secretive smile makes my head tilt, and he just keeps watching me, wearing that same look that drove me mad ages ago but now makes me uncomfortably hot.

I need to fill the silence. I need him to understand. "I'm sorry for, well, everything," I offer gruffly. "I know it was fucked up." I push the words out before I can chicken out and swallow them. "Evan, I don't know what you want from me. I don't even know what to offer you. I don't even know myself. I can't figure it out. I'm a fucking mess inside." He chuckles, making my own lips quirk. I take a deep breath and stare into his bright eyes, telling myself to have at least half the courage he does. "But I . . . like being with you." I gesture between us. "Like this. Hell, even when we're fighting, I like it. I know that's not enough, but it's all I have for now. That's all I can give you." I snap my mouth shut as he stares at me.

His hand comes out, and I jerk, expecting a slap, but it just covers mine on my thigh.

"Then that's enough for now."

EVAN

"What?" he stutters, still staring at my hand on his. "How can that be enough?"

"I get to decide what's enough or not." I shrug, and his head lifts, his dark eyes meeting mine. I have no doubt we look like polar opposites right now. He's all darkness, and I'm all sunshine, yet here on this bench, we can be anything we want, and I want to be his. "Because I like this too, and I don't feel this way about anyone else," I tell him truthfully. "You asked if I found my passion, and I did. It's you. I've never felt this deeply before. So how about we just have this truce between us?" I remove my hand and sit back, waiting.

Alek is always so hard to read, and now is no different as he stares at his hand on his thigh, thinking through my words. For all his bravery and strength, Alek is scared to feel.

He reaches over before stilling. "Can I touch you?"

My heart stops beating for a moment before it begins to pound in my chest because I know for Alek Anders to reach for me, to touch me, it means he's trying. He's saying this is enough too—at least for now. I nod my head, afraid if I speak, I'll scare him off.

He's skittish like that.

His big hand slowly covers mine and then lifts, and our palms meet, my fingertips barely reaching halfway up his. Mine are tan, and his are pale. His are scarred, while mine are soft, yet they seem to fit perfectly together for a moment. His dark eyes meet mine, and then slowly, so slowly I swear I don't even breathe, he leans in. His lips press against the back of my hand. It's just a soft, chaste kiss, but I swear I feel it all the way to my soul.

It's like he just laid claim to my heart.

Biting my lower lip, I watch his lips tilt in a smile, and then he reaches over, pressing his thumb to my mouth, where my teeth hold my lip prisoner. "Don't do that, it just makes me want to bite it myself."

My eyes widen in shock as he grins and sits back like he didn't just flirt with me.

Alek Anders just flirted with me, and I swear my heart goes into a frenzy.

I glance back at the water, still wide-eyed and confused as he twines our hands together and lets them hit the bench, his on the bottom as if to protect mine from the wood. We just sit here, holding hands and enjoying the silence.

Something new blooms between us like spring.

Voices eventually make us break apart, but I don't mind when he takes his hand back because I know he gave himself part of me, and one day, he'll be ready to show the world—or at least I hope because hope is all we have. This is complicated and hard, and it might hurt in the long run, but something tells me it's worth it, that he is worth it. If Alek Anders isn't ready for the world to know about his sexuality, then that's okay. I can be his secret until he's ready.

I'm not going anywhere.

Our eyes meet, and I know I'd let this beautiful man wreck me just to call him mine.