35. Simon

CHAPTER 35

SIMON

Lizard Dick: Emergency meeting on the beach in one hour.

Lizard Dick: Wedding party only.

Who the hell put him in charge?!

Oh.

Right.

Not for the first time since he'd shown up on the beach dressed like Bunny between marriages, I stared daggers toward where Wolfy lounged on the bungalow deck, sunbathing without a care in the world.

On se calme, Simon.

Your murder cabbage deserves a break.

I reminded myself I'd been telling Wolfy for a while that he needed a vacation. Never mind that a far better time for the de facto Suarez clan leader to go on hiatus would have been when we weren't orchestrating a major event while fighting multiple fires .

It wouldn't be this family if we weren't, I suppose.

"Whatchu gonna teach me this time for my World Domination Lesson?" Daisy chirped from the bed, where she'd spread out her latest ‘gem painting' project.

How nice that everyone else has found a way to decompress.

"I propose our lesson of the week should focus on damage control," I sang out, loud enough to be heard on the deck and surrounding island. "Like how to not unalive your partner in love, life, business, and death when they decide mucking about is their new job description!"

"Te amo, mi corazón!" Wolfy replied in a matching sing-song voice.

Not the Spanish!

"You two are weird," Daisy huffed before returning her attention to her craft project. "It's cute."

CUTE?!

With a growl that was mostly aimed at my inventus, I stomped to the sliding glass door separating the deck from the main living space and forcefully slid it shut. It wasn't that Wolfy wouldn't still be able to hear what was happening inside, but it felt good to lock him out.

So there.

My laptop chimed with an incoming video call, so I stomped back to the desk to see what needed my attention now.

I'm sure it's dreadfully important.

It turned out to be the long-time Suarez chef, Betsy, most likely checking in with the week's menu for when we returned. As tempting as it was to simply let the call go to voicemail, I also desperately wanted to tick something easy off my list.

"Bonjour, Betsy." I plastered on a sunny smile that felt forced as our familiar kitchen flickered into view.

With a familiar face in the background.

"My sweet baby!" I cried, my mood lifting several thousand degrees at the sight. "Betsy, bring my child closer to the camera so I can greet them properly, s'il te pla?t."

She sighed heavily but set down the large knife she was using to cut vegetables and dutifully reached for the most perfect carnivorous creature to ever exist.

Only to turn around holding a disgruntled Himalayan.

"Putain!" I yelped. "Betsy, you know damn well Neil Degrasse Meowson is Xander's fleabag, not mine. And you'd better not be allowing his filthy paws on the marble counters like some kind of… boomer!"

Or so help me.

Betsy gasped in grave offense, although whether it was on behalf of her or Meowson's honor was unclear. With one more scathing glare my way, she carried the furball offscreen, cooing nonsense as she went. I could just spy Twoey on the far end of the kitchen counter, but before Betsy could reappear and present her to me, someone knocked at my door.

Clearly, I'm not meant to have a moment's peace.

My confusion multiplied when I flung open the door to reveal Ziggy of all people.

"You knocked?" I murmured, gesturing for him to come in. "Why not just materialize out of thin air like the last time?"

What's one more heart attack on my part ?

He briefly glanced at Daisy on the bed. "I didn't want to frighten the little Lacertus."

Oh.

Well this is adorable.

"You don't strike me as the nurturing kind, frérot ." I tried to laugh lightly, but it came out distinctly bitter instead. "I say we could both blame Theo for our distaste for parenthood."

"Blame Theo" should be the company motto.

Ziggy cleared his throat. "I…" He glanced at Daisy again.

"I assure you, the queen in training is a vault," I breezily reassured the uncharacteristically hesitant alien. "She knows where her loyalties lie."

Daisy tensed at my words, but I chalked it up to her being unnerved by Ziggy's presence—making a mental note to check in with my protégé once he left.

Perhaps I have nurturing instincts after all.

Gross.

As I'd hoped, that was enough to inspire Ziggy to spill the tea. Unfortunately, it still wasn't the tea I was hoping for.

"I…" He cleared his throat again and shifted in place. "I may not be so opposed to the idea of… offspring anymore."

Absolutely adorable.

"Your secret is safe with me," I cooed, understanding that was most likely all he would say on the subject. "Now, to what do I owe the pleasure of this visit?"

Again, Ziggy glanced at Daisy—shrewdly this time. "I want to discuss the accusations against Isaiah Salah."

Ooh !

This time, Daisy tried to shrink into the pillows and disappear, so I held up a finger, deciding to address the elephant in the room. "Just a moment, frérot. This might be a discussion that warrants discretion?—"

"Alright, Mr. Alarie! Twoey awaits your proper greeting!"

This is why I get nothing done.

I turned to face the laptop, unable to stop the near-manic grin stretching across my face at the sight of the most precious offspring in all existence.

Besides Daisy, I suppose…

"Twoey!" I exclaimed. "Mon petit chou! Are you being the best carnivorous child ever? Yes, you are…"

I would have kept going—fearsome reputation be damned—if not for a sudden change in the air pressure.

"Why the fuck is there a Dionaea muscipula in your house?" Ziggy hissed, far closer than I remembered him being.

"Pardon?" I mumbled, half-turning and fully confused as to why this alien had issue with my houseplant.

He growled in a decidedly inhuman way, making my hair stand on end. "Tell your chef to put it down and back away. I will be there in a second to neutralize it."

Wait.

"Ziggy, wait!" I yelled, but he'd already disappeared.

Betsy screamed. The feed was cut.

Did he just…

Ziggy appeared a moment later—concerningly empty-handed—and I saw red .

"WHAT DID YOU DO WITH TWOEY?!" I bellowed, launching myself at my brother in a blind rage.

HE'D BETTER NOT HAVE THROWN MY BABY INTO SPACE!!!

A moment later, the scent of lavender, bergamot, and leather washed over me as Wolfy pulled me into his arms. "Where is the plant, Ziggy?" he growled, deliciously frightening—even without his suit—as he stared down the offending alien.

My dog has returned to duty.

Annoyingly unruffled, Ziggy sighed then disappeared again, only to reappear a moment later holding Twoey.

"Give her to me," I demanded, reaching desperately for my child, needing to ensure she was unharmed.

"No," Ziggy replied, holding the Venus fly trap above his head and out of reach.

This is why I liked being an only child.

Blessedly, Wolfy was all business. "Is Betsy alive? What do you want with Twoey?"

Ziggy had the nerve to look confused. "Of course Betsy is alive but… Why are you calling the Dionaea muscipula Twoey?"

Lord, give me strength.

"Because she's my plant!" I snapped. "Like a… like a pet."

Ziggy smirked. "You and I may have different meanings for the word pet."

"I assure you, we do not," I huffed. "But in this case, Twoey is like a cat or a dog…"

Wait… that doesn't work either .

"Twoey is part of our clan," Wolfy smoothly interjected, and I instantly forgave him—for his most recent and all future infractions until the end of time.

Forever and ever, amen.

Ziggy's eyes widened as he lowered his prize, his gaze darting between us and the Venus fly trap. "So you do realize Twoey is an alien?"

EXCUSE ME?

I laughed, mostly from over-exhaustion, but partly from the ridiculousness of this situation. "Someone has been watching too much Little Shop of Horrors … not that you can ever watch that masterpiece too often."

The 1986 version, of course.

The only version worth mentioning.

Ziggy scoffed. "I was much too busy during my mission to watch Earthlings' interpretations of what they thought aliens were like—especially as Earthlings were the aliens to me." He paused thoughtfully. "Although, I am slightly impressed if this Little Shop of Horrors exposed the true nature of Dionaea muscipula with no fear of retaliation from their planet?—"

"Hold on a tick," I interrupted. "Are you telling me there are actually aliens who look like Twoey?"

Maybe I am part plant…

"Yes. It helps them camouflage on other planets." Ziggy peered closely at the intergalactic Venus fly trap. "This one is still an adolescent, so as long as you don't feed it large amounts of blood…" He trailed off and glanced around. "Where did Daisy go?"

Not again .

Determined to make up for my repeatedly lackluster babysitting skills, I took advantage of my brother's momentary distraction to snatch Twoey back to safety.

It's okay, baby.

Daddy's here.

"You frightened her away," Wolfy growled—equally inhuman and many times sexier.

"No." Ziggy held up his hand, cocking his head as he went eerily still.

Well, that's not ominous or anythi ? —

I shrieked as one of his starry tendrils appeared out of nowhere and shot toward an empty corner across the room.

A not-so-empty corner, apparently.

"AHHH!" Daisy screamed as she also appeared out of nowhere, captured in the coils of Ziggy's tendril as he dragged her closer.

Wait.

"Gotcha, little Lacertus." Ziggy grinned triumphantly, completely ignoring the fact Daisy had been invisible.

WHAT IS HAPPENING?!

"Daisy," Wolfy whispered, his normally impassive face transformed into an awestruck and proud expression. "Have you manifested invisibility powers?"

The little queen was a bit emotional—understandably—so I gestured impatiently for Ziggy to at least release her so she could calm down.

Honestly, it's like herding vicious cats .

She sniffled. "It started happening a few months ago, right after we got back from my bonus birthday party in Big City."

Which was actually a Big Gay Party for Baltasar.

The rainbow "Congrats, UR Gay!" decor gave it away.

"Does Zion know?" Wolfy continued, and my chest grew tight as he crouched to talk to Daisy on her level.

He would be so good with our… future children.

Ugh.

Daisy shook her head. "My daddy's so busy being clan leader now… I didn't want to bother him. And I didn't tell second daddy because he would just tell Daddy. So I've just been practicing for fun."

"But it also manifests without your control as a fear response?" Ziggy nonchalantly asked, as if he wasn't the reason for said fear response.

Like the future clan leader she was, Daisy bravely lifted her chin to address him. "Y-yeah, I guess. It also happened… last night… in the grand lodge kitchen…"

We all froze. None of the children had been at our table for dinner, which meant none of them were there to witness the aftermath of Felix's murder.

Unless one of them was already there…

"Daisy." I kept my tone as calm as possible, not wanting to spook her again. "How long were you in the kitchen last night?"

Our little lizard queen crumbled. "I-I saw… I…"

Wolfy stood, his gloved hands clenched by his sides as he looked at me desperately .

I've got this.

"Come here, mon petit chou," I soothed, opening my rusty arms wide. "You're safe with us—your family."

As I was admittedly the least frightening one present, Daisy leaped into my arms and allowed me to lead her back to the bed to sit and tell us everything.

Because whoever scared our little queen, and murdered without permission on my watch, will pay.

They will definitely pay.