29. Andre

CHAPTER 29

ANDRE

Gay for Lizard Dick: IT'S BONFIRE TIME, BITCHESSSS!!!

The subs were acting strangely.

I hope they haven't unionized…

Gabe had been real quiet since Xanny took his ball and left the crime scene like a little bitch, even with Micah and Ziggy doing their best to involve my twin in what was left of the investigation.

To be fair, I was also behaving strangely. My traitorous emotions kept swinging wildly between pure happiness that Gabe had found such strong emotional connections and raging jealousy that these connections were with someone other than me.

Breathe, Dre.

He doesn't only belong to you.

As usual, I blamed most of my bullshit on the one member of our—growing—Stellari clan who wasn't present. Theo had somehow locked down his mind so I couldn't check in, and it had me more on edge than usual.

What is with everyone upping their skills lately?!

I was still salty as fuck that Lady Tempest had figured out this handy trick, but I couldn't blame her for strengthening her mental defenses. After all, it was her incriminating memories of Argentina that blew this shit wide open.

Fortunately, both Tempest and Major Obscurity chose not to show their faces on the beach tonight. Un fortunately, the crew that had shown up for the bonfire were the usual Rabble, and most were already blasted.

Including… Cappy?

Apparently, Butch was officially off the clock, as he was now lounging on a Captain Masculine beach blanket with Balty, Gabe, Micah, and Kai, wearing Top Gun shades, khaki shorts, and a…

Crop top?!

"Someone snuck into our bungalow and cut our goddamn shirts into fucking crop tops!" Xander hissed in my ear, and my gaze immediately snapped to his wardrobe.

And it was glorious.

My brother was still wearing Suarez signature black, but his Poolverine tee was cut so high, dude was having a double wardrobe malfunction.

House of Gay, indeed.

"It fits your vibe, Antihero." I smirked into my beer as Vi snorted on the other side of me. "Slutty AF."

Xanny rolled his eyes but didn't argue. "You could literally say that about everyone in this family." He paused and glanced around. "Except maybe our Clan Daddy …"

"You'd be surprised." Simon suddenly appeared beside us, wearing what could only be described as Evil Villain on a Hawaiian Vacay couture.

This not-normie is a Barbie.

"Have either of you seen my d… Wolfy?" Simon murmured, scanning the crowd with a frown, searching for his dog.

Yeah, we all knew what he was going to say.

"Did your dog escape from his kennel, Simon?" Theo casually appeared out of nowhere, as if he hadn't been physically and mentally avoiding me for hours.

Speaking of a dog who needs to be brought to heel.

"Yes, actually," Simon huffed. "I thought he was with Zion, but when I stopped by the Salah's private plane, all I found was Isaiah, chained up and looking a bit worse for wear."

Whatever conversation had been happening over on Captain Masculine's subby beach blanket stopped with the abruptness of a record scratch.

That's… creepy.

"Wolfy let Zion beat up Izzy?" Gabe snarled, continuing his adamant defense of someone he barely knew.

"Wolfgang didn't let me do anything," Zion growled as he stepped out of the shadows, looking about two seconds away from going full lizard on anyone who questioned him.

Touch my twin, and I'll fry your brain, Godzilla.

"Hey, Z!" Balty jogged over, blissfully ignorant of the danger and wearing a crop top that no doubt started out that way. "Can I talk to you for a minute? "

Come get your man, Baby Hulk.

"Not now, Baltasar," Zion grumbled, cracking open a beer and chugging it in one gulp before grabbing another. "I'm busy."

Busy being a drama queen.

Balty couldn't hide his emotions on a good day, but whatever he'd needed to talk to Zion about must have been important, as the firelight illuminated pure devastation on his sweet, dumb little face.

Looks like I need to fry Zion's brain anyway.

"Don't waste your time, Balty!" Gabe called out, gesturing for our brother to rejoin him on the blanket. "None of those fools care about what we want."

Huh?

Balty muttered something salty under his breath before stomping back to join the others, and I glanced around, wondering who in my remaining circle the burn was meant for.

It couldn't have been Ziggy, since Gabe had just been using him as a security blanket, and Vi did nothing but fawn over Kai. It might have been Xanny, since he'd thrown a barb before leaving the crime scene. Theo and Simon were strong contenders—because brat and boss, duh—but the most obvious choice was still missing.

Where is Wolfy ? —

"I'd better pick a side, sandwich filling that I am…" Theo's eyes lit up with enough mischief to rival the bonfire. "Oh! Look at that. My protégé has arrived."

Protégé? !

"Putain de bordel de merde!" Simon gasped. "What have you done, Theo?"

I peered around the chaos gremlin in question, only to find the absolute last thing I'd ever expected to see.

It was Wolfy in nothing but his gloves, a pair of black swim shorts, an oversized straw hat and shades, and a sheer black robe—like what a rich widow would wear.

Or a certain alien…

Everyone was staring, but instead of allowing the spotlight to bother him, as usual, my eldest brother simply reclined on a nearby lounger, lifted his fruity drink in a toast, and smirked.

"As you were, Rabble. I'm on vacation."

What in the multiverse?

If Theo hadn't been present, I would have thought he'd body snatched my brother, but that chaos gremlin simply finger waved at Rich Widow Wolfy before joining the other sluts on the beach blanket.

I guess he picked a side.

"Mon chou…" Simon hustled over to his weirdly fabulous inventus. "What do you mean you're… on vacation?"

"You're always telling me I should take one," Wolfy calmly replied before pushing aside the frilly little umbrella so he could take another sip. "And you're the one running this clan anyway."

"I'm… I'm not, though…" Simon hissed through his teeth, but the rest was lost as someone—probably Balty—started blasting 80s music, followed quickly by a distinctly skunky smell .

That should help with the weirdness.

Or… make things weirder.

"Vi." Xander cleared his throat and motioned for his sister to step closer. "How is Kai?—"

"Still waiting for an apology," she snapped, crossing her arms and giving him a once over so scathing, I was surprised what remained of his shirt didn't incinerate.

Xander glared and crossed his arms over his nip-slip situation. "Eyes up here, Ultra Violent, and put a pin in the apology business for now. There are some…" his gaze flickered to Zion, "concerns about Kai's safety?—"

"I've got it under control, Antihero," Zion interrupted. "And once I figure out who is responsible for attempting to poison her, I will?—"

"POISON HER?!" Vi hollered, causing all conversations to stop once again, and causing me to covertly jump in to rearrange my sister's synapses to stop her from going full Winter Soldier.

"…I will kill whoever is responsible," Zion coolly finished his thought.

Maybe Wolfy and Zion did a body swap…

"Isn't Isaiah the main suspect?" Xander eyed the big lizard like he'd never seen him before.

Felt.

"That's classified," Zion replied, as if half of us weren't just working the crime scene and as if our families weren't united in marriage.

"What if it ends up being your parents?" Ziggy spoke up, reminding me he was even there .

Sneaky fucking Stellarians.

Zion momentarily froze but quickly covered it up with more bravado. "It's not your problem, Andromeda."

"I disagree," Ziggy effortlessly matched—and surpassed—the Salah clan leader's big dick energy in a way that made my resonance buzz with satisfaction.

Stellari supremacy, bitches.

"I've got it under control!" Zion repeated with a growl, his eyes flashing yellow as his true form rippled over the surface.

Clearly you don't, dude.

Before I could bitch-slap his lizard brain into next week, Ziggy was forcefully shoving me behind him.

Is he…

PROTECTING me?!

Aside from the bullshit strings Wolfy had pulled behind the scenes for decades, no one had actively protected me before. I was the protector when it came to my twin, and despite how frightening Theo could be, I considered it my duty to protect his dumb ass as well.

I think Imma swoon.

"I'm not challenging you, Zion," Ziggy huffed with clear amusement, still pointedly keeping his body between me and the angry lizard. "I am offering my services?—"

"I don't need a mercenary, Ziggy," Zion snapped, looking as over everyone's shit as Wolfy usually did.

Probably why big bro is now checked out.

Ziggy lowered his voice so even I barely heard it. "I don't mean as a mercenary. If you need inspiration… to do what already should have been done…"

Why would he give a shit about killing Zion's parents?

Ohhh…

The Stellarian glanced toward the beach blanket crowd the same moment I realized Zion wasn't the Salah he wanted to avenge. Unfortunately, Zion had his head too far up his own ass to consider that any of his siblings had suffered like he had.

Because he's not Wolfy.

"I SAID I HAD IT UNDER CONTROL, STAR HOPPER!!!" Zion roared, and I saw Baltasar leap to his feet like he was ready to go to war for his man.

No, wait.

That's not what's happening…

For a moment, I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me. Balty's body was convulsing—unevenly expanding like it often did when he couldn't control the shift into his true form. Quickly tuning into his mind, I discovered it was glitching between his usual anxious Balty thoughts and his…

Lizard brain?

Gabe was reaching for our brother—no doubt to show him a cat video on his phone. Before he could make contact, though, Ziggy grabbed me, star hopping us to the beach blanket before he tackled Micah and Gabe and hopped all of us a few yards away from Balty.

Lizard… Balty?

Because the instant we reappeared, I could only stare at the 20- foot-tall green Godzilla standing where my brother had been.

It was chaos. Vi and Xander were running to where Butch had flown Kai to safety, and Simon was frozen beside Wolfy's beach lounger, uncharacteristically speechless, while our fearless leader just laughed and threw back the rest of his drink.

Big bro is officially checked out.

The few guests who'd made the mistake of joining us on the beach had also backed off, but Theo hadn't budged. My stellar collision was stretched out on the blanket in Balty's shadow, gleefully snapping photos on his phone.

"I was wondering when you were going to put on a show for us, Baby Hulk! Too bad no one taught you about tucking into that infamous Lacertus cock-pocket."

Say what now?

We Suarez siblings were well-versed in averting our eyes from Balty's super-sized junk, but no force in all the galaxies could've stopped me from taking a peek.

For… science?

The junk in question was to scale—obvi—with the same weird vertical ridges I'd suddenly sprouted after slathering on that ill-fated ‘lizard lube'. The only difference was that Balty's lizard dick didn't seem to have the goddamn knot that had trapped me inside my alien's ass for hours after playtime ended.

Theo saw that surprise coming too…

Such a secretive fucking brat.

From where I was standing, I couldn't see the "infamous Lacertus cock-pocket," which was probably for the best. But there was one person present—besides Theo—who'd zeroed in on it like a predator scenting his prey.

Like a big, horny lizard.

"Mine," Zion snarled, shifting into his Godzilla form before our eyes.

Lizard Balty took one look at his inventus, froze like the prey he clearly was, then took off running.