35. CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR

CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR

Quinlan

This incessant pounding will be the end of me.

My head. It’s a mess. My eyes are mashed into my palms, puffy and still wet from crying. The tears have only subsided a couple of minutes ago.

I haven’t been able to get up from my desk since.

Sending that email to my parents hurt like a motherfucker. I had to do it, and I did.

I just had no idea how painful it’d be. Burying the ache in my chest only worked for so long. Working, fucking and being cared for by my captors, it healed some pieces of my bleeding heart.

Until I wrote the damn email.

There was a sense of finality in the words I typed out to my parents. Of a closure I wish I never had to experience.

In some ways, it would’ve been easier if I’d kept believing Blake’s death was all my fault. I made my peace with it. Gotten used to it. The weight of the guilt has been all I’ve ever known.

This, all of this, it’s new.

My family sacrificed me.

That’s a fact. That’s my closure, and it’s left me hollow.

There’s no joy in a tragedy. No relief at the dark, bitter end of the tunnel.

I guess that truth is worth something. I just don’t feel it.

A dire, unhinged laugh escapes me. Out of everyone, my kidnappers opened my eyes to it. They forced me to navigate through what’s real and what’s not.

They watched me shatter into a million pieces, then picked what was left of my soul off the ground and nursed it back to sort-of-health.

Parts of me haven’t healed. I don’t imagine they ever would.

But I feel like I’m able to go on with my life. I have a purpose. A new one.

To help my three men.

My chest heaves again, fresh waves of tears rising. This annoying, unwelcome sting, prickles at the corners of my eyes. I press my fingers to my closed eyelids, forcing them away.

People hurt them. My half-brother hurt Damien.

At least the men didn’t see me cry while I was emailing my parents. I’m sure they didn’t. They would’ve called otherwise. They wouldn’t have let me cry by myself.

The three of them might be cold and cruel. They might have revenge plans in the forefront of their minds. They’re going to kill people. Their abusers.

And they care so much. About me . I see it when Rome insists that I eat. When Damien’s smile loses its wickedness. When Liam wraps his arm around me at night, his touch says the words he can't always say.

They would’ve called to check on me.

“Or I could be delusional,” I say to the void. “Maybe they wanted my secrets to have leverage over me.”

My fingers rake through my hair, free from the restricting hairband. I tossed it on the wall before. That, and a pillow. Didn’t help.

The pain is still here. But hey, I tried.

“Maybe I am a fuck doll.” The words are spat out of my mouth. A futile attempt to mask the pain in my soul.

Disappointment settles in the pit of my stomach. Grief contributes to the never-ending pounding in my head. The fear of being abandoned clenches my heart.

“A pawn on this fucked-up chess board. Maybe I’ll be…”

A hysterical laugh bubbles in my throat. I’ve never been this miserable in my life. Never allowed myself to get this lost in self-pity.

There’s never been a moment for me to do it. I always had to move forward. Had parents to look after. A big half-brother to please.

Here, in this quiet space, where I’m literally not allowed to take care of my family, I finally have the time to do it.

Inside this room, I’m allowed to curse. I’m allowed to be upset. I can be whatever I choose.

“Maybe I’m only here to bait Rex.” I hardly believe my own words. I say them anyway. Who’s here to stop me? “After that, that’s it. Out with the trash. It’ll be hilarious, won’t it? What a fucking joke. I’ll end up being the one begging them to stay. They’ll be the ones kicking me out. That’s why Damien and Rome don’t trust me. They know I’ll be out of here soon. God, I’ve been such a fool. Gullible, stupid me, so desperate for affection. I mean nothing to no one. Not really. I’m no one.”

My thumb goes to my tattoo on my cheek.

“No, that’s not true. I’ll always be Blake’s big sister.” A sob. Fuck, I thought I was done with the tears. “He’ll always be my baby brother. Just the two of us. I won’t beg anyone to keep me. When they’ll kick me out, I’ll go with my—”

“Get up.” Damien’s command is a shock to the system. A bite to my flesh.

I didn’t hear the door. Not like he needs it.

The bookshelf.

Fuck. Has he been here for my meltdown? Watched me talking to myself?

Are the others here with him?

“Damien, let me make this easy for you.” If he’s here to tell me I’m right, I’d rather not look him in the eye. “I’ll be here until you’re done with your revenge. I’ll leave right after. It’s fine. I get it.”

“Get. Up.” His harsh demand leaves no room for argument.

The violent energy vibrating from him fills up the whole room. No humor. No games.

“Don’t keep me waiting. I won’t repeat myself, darling.”

It’s his version of You’ll be sorry if I do. I hear it.

I gaze up at his reflection in the window, and I see it on his face. Tall and gorgeous and imposing his suit. His thick eyebrows are drawn together. Sapphire eyes glaring at me from behind. The rest of his features are as sharp as they were the first day I met him.

They punctuate the underlying threat of his words.

Refusing him will get me nowhere.

I don’t want to refuse him.

Slowly, I push the chair back. Get to my feet. Stare back at him through our reflections in the window.

My heart cracks at how beautiful he is. It’s being split down the middle by how not mine neither of them are.

Being fucked and praised, having a roof over my head and enough money to ensure my parents are taken care of, that’s nice. Really, truly nice.

The hollow parts of me need more than that. I can admit it to myself now.

Love.

I love him. All three of them.

I desperately need them to feel the same. To tell me they haven’t been lying to me.

But I can’t ask them to say that. For the sake of what’s left of my pride, I will not.

“Hands on the desk.” His footsteps echo in the silent room.

He pulls me out of my own head. Forcing me to focus on him and the imminent threat he imposes. I hurry to do as he says, shoving my laptop forward so I can put my hands there.

“I said…” My hands hover just over the desk when he’s behind me. Too late to do it on my own. His fingers curl around my wrists, his grip brutal. He’s ten times more vicious when he slams both my palms to the wood countertop. “Hands. On. The. Desk.”

I could breathe a second ago. With Damien’s front flush against my back, I’m struggling to let air into my lungs. His weight pressed to mine, the bruising grip—and just him—make it so I’m no longer my own person. I’m his...until I’m no longer useful to him.

When he lets go? When the three of them leave?

I’ll regroup. I’ll return to being this strong, independent, lonely woman I’ve always been.

I will.

Sigh.

It’ll hurt. It’ll be agony on top of all this grief I’ve finally allowed myself to feel.

Fuck it.

I’m done sobbing for the night. Done crying for a lifetime. My expression hardens, my shoulders tensing.

I twist my head to him, our gazes clashing. “Now what?”

“Attitude. I like that.” His thumbs brush the tops of my palms. They’re the only soft part of Damien. “You’ve been crying.”

“What gave me away?” I’m being a bitch. On purpose.

“Quinlan.”

My heart races, demanding to leap out and get to him. To all three of them. With them, I’m cared for. Cherished. I mean something. That’s what I thought.

My head isn’t as foolish. My head refuses to let me fall for the lie.

My head creates a wall around me. Helps me help Damien get to the kicking me out part faster.

“The red, puffy eyes? Or did you stalk me?” I curl my lips into a snarl. “Through the stupid laptop? Wow, I just love the way you three trust me.”

“Go on, darling. Get it out of your system.” He releases one of my wrists to shove the strap of my tank top down my shoulder. His teeth sink in. His mouth sucks on my flesh. I scream. I moan. Until he stops abruptly. “All the lies you’ve been telling yourself about us. The pain from that day in the pool. The grief that poisons your blood. Let me hear it.”

“You don’t trust me.” I’m talking about my email correspondences. I’m talking about their secrets. “You’re using me to hurt Rex. I’m nothing to you.”

Damien understands. His palm is a shackle around my hip. His teeth are a silent threat as they graze up the curve of my neck. “Go on.”

His cock presses to my back. He’s hard and huge. A shiver runs up my spine at the contact. At how Damien teases me with his cruelty. He’s telling me it’s coming. He’s telling me I’ll scream.

He gets off on prolonging it, on making it worse for me. He’s harder when he pushes the front of my tank top down to expose both my breasts.

I look at our reflection in the window. His hands are back in place, one on my wrist, the other on my hip. He’s towering over me. So big. So intimidating.

He makes a low sound at the back of his throat. He’s losing his patience when I don’t speak.

“There’s more. I can’t help you if you’re not talking to me and I’m not leaving before you do.” With a rough roll of his hips, he slams me into the desk. “So unless you want this to hurt, give me everything. I want to hear you.”

“You’ll leave me. You’ll kick me out.” And there it is, out in the open. I would be embarrassed to admit to this vulnerability out loud, except Damien is there. Staring back at me. A force to absorb whatever I throw at it. “I’m here to be used until Rex is—”

Damien whips me around, his hand on my chin, tipping my head up. I’m facing him. I see him. Glowering. A destructive force, ready to ruin me.

A shield to protect me against my own damn self.

“Say it,” he hisses. “Until Rex is what, Quinlan?”

“Dead.”

Whatever my half-brother did, it was terrible. Rex ruined a part of him. I hate him for it. I hate him for laying a finger on a child. On anyone.

“After he’s dead. I’ll be useless to you.” I close my eyes. It’s too painful to look at him. “This is just another manipulation, making me believe you like me. Once there’s no more Rex, there’ll be no more me. Just say it already.”

“God, I love you.”

My eyes fly open. The widest they’ve ever been.

“You’re so perfect, darling.” His lips brush mine, sapphire eyes so dark they’re almost black. “And so, so terribly wrong. I love you. I’m never letting go.”

I’m not sure what comes first. If his hands are on my cheeks or his mouth crushes into mine. It’s impossible to tell, and fuck, it doesn’t matter. All that matters is that he’s owning me. All that matters is that he loves me.

He’s meant it. He really has.

He loves me.

Damien growls, drives his fingers deeper into my hair. He tugs on the roots, forcing my head higher, closer to him. He bites my bottom lip. His tongue lashes against mine. He’s tasting me, punishing me.

“I. Love. You.” It sounds like a curse. Like he’s angry that he couldn’t say it before. “A world without you in it isn’t a world I want to live in. I’m nothing like him. We’re nothing like him. We’ll never use you. We want you so bad it hurts, damn it. We just want you. Just you, Quinlan. It wasn’t supposed to turn out like this, but we can’t let go. We won’t let go. Is that what you wanted to hear? Does that clarify things for you? Do you understand how important you are here?”

He grips my wrist, thrusting it to his heart.

I blink. My breaths are as rugged and labored as his.

Yes, that’s what I wanted to hear. What I needed.

My brain is scrambled. My pulse is loud in my ears.

The desire for this man is turning me into a feral woman. A twisted woman who craves his love more than anything. And his touch.

I spread my legs, and Damien rewards me with a violent thrust of his hips.

“This comes as a surprise, I see.” His thumb brushes my hardened nipple, and when he pinches me, I moan for him. “Not for me. I’ve loved you for years, Quinlan. From the very start. And I will always love you.”

The heavy air in the room becomes even denser. I didn’t think it was possible. Then again, we aren’t alone anymore.

“Sweetheart.” Rome walks up to us, peeling off his jacket and throwing it on the floor. He steals me away from Damien and I can see what this is. I see it in Damien’s expression. He’s letting Rome take me. “Crying by yourself instead of calling us? What’s that about?”

“I thought…you didn’t tell me anything, because you knew you’d get rid of me.”

Rome’s thunderous eyes and clenched jaw are terrifying. He’s a thunderstorm. A hurricane. I talk regardless. I need to expel this…thing inside me. I need to believe Damien. I need to believe them.

“About you and the walls you two have built around yourselves.”

“Tomorrow,” Rome groans. Kisses me. One hand in my hair, the other on the side of my neck, and that’s all it takes for him to own me. He yanks me so hard into him that we’re almost one. When he pulls back, his voice is hoarse. “Tomorrow, we’ll talk. I swear it. And, Quinlan?”

I feel Rome. Feel what he’s going to say in this loud, deafening silence. I ask, anyway. “What?”

“I love you.” Each word is calculated. Strong. As powerful as the man who’s saying them.

My heart lurches out to him. My soul begs me to reciprocate. To admit that I’ve fallen for them, as wicked and controlling and ruthless as they are. That they have a million secrets, and none of them matter.

I’ve fallen for them, and nothing could ever change it.

In my fragile state, though, saying all of this is too much. I’m too confused and emotional and raw. Instead, my body talks. My hands rise to Rome’s neck. To the pulse that’s beating erratically beneath his fingertips.

“Why won’t you tell me tonight?”

The answer I’m looking for doesn’t come from Rome. Liam materializes out of nowhere, jacket off, sleeves rolled up to his elbow. I’m in his arms in the blink of an eye. Flames flick behind his gaze, his mouth pressed into a set line.

“I love you,” he starts. His mouth is on mine, his tongue swiping at my lips. “Tonight, little flame.” One second, I’m looking at Liam. The next, silk covers my eyes. Lights out. “You’ll learn to trust us. You’ll see how well you know us. The only men in your world.”

Rough, scraped knuckles trace the curve of my spine. Then Rome’s fingers tug at my tank top.

His hands rip it apart.

“You are.” My breath picks up, a desperate attempt to get more air into my lungs. “There’s no one else. You won’t leave me. I know that now.”

“We have to make sure.” Rome’s impatient when he shoves the tank top off me. “You haven’t been acting like you believe in us.”

“Like Rome said.” I hear the smirk in Damien’s voice. The taunting. His grip on my hair isn’t playful at all. He’s at my side, tugging on it, and a dark, short laugh is what I get for my surprised yelp. “You were alone with all these fucking thoughts, crying. Hiding from us.”

“What should I have done? Begged for you to care?”

“If you’d have trusted us.” Liam’s fingers bite into my cheeks while a third pair of hands pushes my underwear and leggings down my legs. Rome’s.

“You’d have known there’s no need to beg.” It’s Liam again, his hands cupping my breasts, my waist, his lips skimming my jaw. “You’re ours. We love you. If you’re hurting—be it from guilt or grief or pain—we’re here for you. There’s nowhere we’d rather be than be here for you.”

“You’re going to see how well you know us.” Rome grips my hips, pulling me to him while Liam holds me up for balance. He shoves two fingers into my pussy, curling them. “We’re going to play a little game.”

“By the time we’re done with you”—Damien licks my cheek, pressing a soft, deceiving kiss to my tattoo—“you’ll know each one of us very well.”

“You’ll never forget the lesson from today.” Liam’s voice is followed by his rough hands, pushing me to my hands and knees. His lips are in my ear, his hot breath making me wet. Makes me shiver all over. “Other people won’t matter. No. One. We’ll love and take care of you for the rest of your life. Only us.”

“Liam,” I call out when his warmth is gone. “Please.”

He says nothing.

Sounds of belt buckles, zippers and clothes dropping to the floor, echo in the deafening silence. My fingernails dig into the plush rug beneath me. Goosebumps prickle on my sensitive skin. I’m exposed, emotionally and physically. Completely bared to them. Vulnerable.

Rome promised, though. He said he’ll be honest tomorrow. He’ll be vulnerable too. Will make me feel less disposable.

Damien didn’t promise a thing, and yet… I’m sure he’ll do the same.

My lungs expand, fresh air filtering in. I’m no less terrified of what the men have in store for me. Whatever it is, it won’t be sweet. They won’t tend to my soul with sonnets. I won’t have more love declarations whispered in my ear.

This is going to be bad. Painful.

A shiver stops my next inhale, lodging it in my throat.

Humiliating. It’s going to be so humiliating.

“Here’s how it’s going to go,” Damien starts, his voice coming from my front, but lower, like he’s on his knees. His punishing grip on my chin is the first thing I feel. He tips my head up, yanks my bottom lip down. The second is the head of his cock tapping on my mouth. He’s damp. He wants me. “We’re done talking. Won’t say anything other than confirm or deny if you got it right.”

“Got w-what right?” I’m having trouble talking, my words garbled with his dick on my lips.

“Which cock…” Another set of lips is at my ear. Liam’s next to me, his scar brushing against my skin, his hand is on my throat, catching my gasp. “Is fucking your pretty little mouth.”

My ass stings as soon as he’s done explaining the rules. A belt has connected to my flesh. Over and over, again.

Rome.

Why, stop, and oh, God , are my senseless pleas that he doesn’t seem to hear. He doesn’t relent. Doesn’t stop.

There’s no telling how many times his belt has cracked on my ass. I’ve lost count after five. He could’ve reached a hundred or two. The pain is that agonizing.

That humiliating. I’m hot all over. My nipples are peaked. My tongue darts out, searching for more of Damien. I cry out when I don’t find him there. I need one of them to be inside of me.

The belt drops on the carpet with a muted thud . Rome kicks my legs apart, making it harder to stay upright. And I’m bare. My arousal at what he’s done—at what they’re doing—to me, is there for him to see.

“Mmm.” He drops to the floor. One of his hands grabs a fistful of my ass, opening me further to him. With the fingers of his free hand, he swipes at my inner thigh. “Soaked. You like the pain, don’t you, sweetheart?”

I’m lightheaded. Out of it. Rome has beaten the sass out of me. It’s taken him—what? ten strokes? Twenty?—to turn me into a puddle. I’m all want. All need.

“Yes.” The desire for them hurts more than anything I’ve ever experienced. “When you’re the ones hurting me.”

“Not that much that you’ll cheat, I hope,” Damien’s half-asking, half-threatening me. His hand is in my hair, raising me to my knees.

“Cheat?”

He’s holding me upright, and I know I won’t fall. I know he won’t let me go. Still, my instincts have my hands lurching forward to grab his thighs for balance.

Damien’s chuckle is dark. I’m not afraid, it’s just my body responding to the danger he poses. I cower back, though I can’t get far.

Liam’s hand is a vise around my throat. Rome acts as a barricade behind me. His hands are on my hips, stilling me in place.

“The belt strokes are your punishment, little flame.” Liam’s hand slides up and down my throat. That, too, is a threat. “Every wrong answer will land you ten of these. That’s how much we love you. How much we own you. For fucking ever.”