1. Grace

Chapter one

Grace

“ P lease, don’t leave me!” I cried, reaching out toward them. The shadowy figures were watching me, their handsome features twisted and cruel as they stared down at me.

“We don’t need her anymore.”

“She’s not worth it.”

The words tore through me like bullets, pain blossoming through my chest as I collapsed to the ground, sobbing as my heart pounded against my ribcage, threatening to break apart. Rough hands grabbed my shoulders, twisting me around and slamming me into the earth. I screamed and thrashed, trying to kick them off of me. Heavy thighs pinned me down, and a hand gripped my neck cutting off the scream that was fighting its way out of my throat. The face above me was a twisted mass of evil, the features shifting so quickly I could barely recognize who was killing me.

Erik… Jesse… Levy… Anders…

I woke up screaming, as I did most nights, thrashing and fighting against the covers that kept my limbs prisoner. The light flipped on, and someone pinned down my arms, my screams dissolving into sobs as the fight ebbed out of me.

“It’s alright, I’ve got her now Shen.” Doug’s voice cut through the haze leftover from the nightmare, and I focused my eyes on the stone-faced man above me, who promptly released his hold and stepped away from the bed. I immediately curled up on my side, tucking my knees into my chest as I shook.

“I’ve got your medicine here,” Doug murmured. Sitting down next to me on the bed, he held out a familiar oval pill. My fingers trembled as I reached out and took it out of his hand, waiting for the glass of water that always followed. I swallowed my pill obediently, rubbing my chest to soothe the wound that lived far beneath my skin.

“Do you want me to stay?” Doug asked, as I shook my head, wincing when his lips turned down in a scowl.

“No, thank you. I’m sorry I woke you up again,” I whispered, my voice raw from screaming. It had been every night this week, and last week as well. Every night since the incident at the warehouse, I’d woken up to a horrific nightmare, my mind forcing me to replay the worst moment of my life over and over again. I was exhausted, the dark circles under my eyes took ages to cover up every morning. The drugs didn’t help with that either. Sure, they numbed the pain, but at the expense of… well, everything else. They made me a shell of myself, a ghost with human skin. I wasn’t myself anymore.

“Let me stay,” Doug insisted, and my stomach clenched. Every night, he asked to stay, offering to help, and every night I said no. He’d been nicer, almost human, since he’d brought me home, but that didn’t erase the decades of pain he’d caused me. I was just so fucking tired…

Tears welled up in my eyes, and I closed them tightly, forcing them away. “Just… just for a while okay?” I mumbled, the medication already starting to take effect, the sharp edges of the world dulling, the harsh colors bleeding away, leaving a cool nothingness behind. The light turned off, and I heard the door shut—Shen leaving, I guessed. The bed shifted as Doug climbed in beside me, and I curled up on my side, dragging the covers up and over my head.

Please, I begged them. Just leave me alone. Haven’t you done enough to me? Squeezing my eyes closed, I let the drugs envelop me in a cocoon of numbness that dulled the ache in my chest—the one they’d left in me when they’d turned their backs and abandoned me. My twisted ankle had healed, and so had the cuts that had littered my body after the explosion. But this particular wound still festered, making it hard to drag myself out of bed most days. When would the pain fade? How long would I have to live like this?

Thanks to the drugs, I managed to pass out for a few more hours, and for once, my sleep was dreamless. Movement roused me, and in my groggy state, I forgot where I was. “Erik?” I mumbled, and the arm thrown over me tightened, pulling me closer. I snuggled into the warmth, feeling oddly content for the first time in a while. I blinked my eyes open, stroking the hand on my waist idly as I yawned.

Wait, what?

I glanced down, and the hand on me was bare of tattoos, the only marking a small scar on the first knuckle. A scar he got when someone’s tooth broke and embedded in his skin after he’d punched them too hard. My stomach rolled, and I jerked away from Doug, half-falling out of the bed in my haste to get away from him. His eyes were open, and he was smirking at me in the dim light. “Good morning, Gracie,” he purred, and I swallowed roughly, trying not to grimace as he sat up, watching me.

“I didn’t realize you stayed,” I mumbled, my cheeks heating. Why had he taken his shirt off? Hadn’t he been wearing one when he’d come in last night?

“Of course I did, you needed me,” he replied, and his smile felt oily on my skin. I was only wearing a nightgown and felt altogether too exposed right now. I turned quickly, stumbling toward my wardrobe and grabbing an old housecoat I never wore, wrapping it around myself like a shield.

“Thanks,” I said, watching him climb out of my bed. He was in his boxers, and I looked away quickly, feeling horribly uncomfortable. Doug apparently didn’t feel the same way, because he strode toward me, rattling something in his hand. I tried not to flinch as he stopped right in front of me and popped the cap off my pill bottle, rolling one out onto his palm.

“Don’t forget...” He smiled, and I took the pill, chasing it with the water he handed me next. At night, I didn’t mind them, but the meds during the day… they made me feel slower, drunk almost.

It was better than the pain , I reminded myself, swallowing thickly.

“I have a meeting downtown today,” Doug announced, and I nodded absently as he took my glass, setting it down on my nightstand. “Wear the white dress today and the red heels.” I gritted my teeth, but said nothing. His daily ritual of dictating my outfits was irritating at best, but I was too tired to fight him on it anymore. I nodded, and he smirked, finally leaving me to get dressed.

The drugs were back in full swing by the time I stepped into the shower, and I had to remind myself to go through the motions. Soap, lather, rinse. I repeated the mantra over and over so I wouldn’t forget and just stand motionless under the stream of water until the hot finally ran out. I barely registered my arms moving, the water temperature hardly noticeable against my numb flesh.

Out of the corner of my eye, I swore I saw movement. I turned, and there was Anders, leaning up against the counter. A small ember of heat pulsed weakly in my core, just a flicker of a memory. It was gone in a blink, and so was he, leaving me alone once more.

Blinking suddenly, I looked around. My bathroom was long gone, and I realized I was in the car, my hands clasped in my lap, and Doug was on the phone next to me, ripping into someone from the sounds of it. I didn’t remember getting dressed, or even getting out of the shower. Had I eaten breakfast? I couldn’t tell. Black holes filled the last couple of weeks, large chunks of my days missing when I tried to think back on them. The doctor Doug had brought to the house had told me it was a natural response to the trauma I’d suffered. Small, temporary blackouts were my brain’s way of protecting me. I didn’t understand how that made sense, but he’d seemed very sure of it. He’d been the one who’d prescribed me the drugs, saying they would help with the stress and the PTSD. They weren’t making the blackouts any better though.

I looked at Doug’s watch and was shocked to see it was nearly 5 pm. I’d lost almost an entire day somehow, how was that possible? “Where are we going?” I asked, my voice a little raspy. I looked around for a bottle of water, and like magic one appeared in Doug’s hand, the cap already off. I took it gratefully, gulping it down as quickly as I could without choking. The water felt like heaven on my throat. My eyes caught on a bruise on my wrist, and I frowned. I didn’t remember getting that. I could swear it hadn’t been there this morning…

“I thought we could grab some dinner, and then I’m meeting some of the guys at Dante’s,” he explained, pulling my attention back to him. Of course, that meant both of us would be going to Dante’s since Doug never let me out of his sight anymore, not while we were out of the house, that is. I attended every meeting, went to every social function, and of course, anytime Doug was needed for a… less than legal activity, I was always at his side.

“It’ll be just for a little while, I know you’re tired,” he sighed, reaching over to grab my hand. I stared down at where he was touching me, but his hand was replaced with someone else’s. I glanced up, and my eyes misted as Jesse’s smile stole my breath away. His hand squeezed mine, and then he was gone, replaced by Douglas once more.

“Don’t forget,” he murmured, and the pills appeared in his other hand. I used the last of my water to swallow them down and sank back into the leather seat, waiting for the pain to fade away once more.

“-okay?” I looked over at Doug, and he was smiling, holding out his hand to me. I looked out the window, and the sun had set. When had we stopped?

I let Doug lead me out of the car, and he caught me as I stumbled, putting his arm around my waist for support. We were at the club already, so I guess I’d missed dinner? Doug led us toward the VIP section, his grip tightening when he saw his crew. I took a seat as quickly as I could, my legs too wobbly to do much else. Everyone ignored me as Doug sat down at my right, already deep into some story I had probably heard before.

Someone thrust a glass into my hand, and I looked down at it, frowning. It was gin. Doug didn’t usually order me gin. He liked it when I drank champagne, some sort of a status symbol thing. I took a sip, my mind fading out as I focused on the music, letting the deep bass pulse through my ribcage. The taste of the gin reminded me of dancing, of hands on my hips, and a large body pressed against mine. Levy’s scarred hands gripping my ass as he lifted me off the ground so I could wrap my legs around him…

No, come back, don’t think about him.

“Gracie, who gave you that?” Doug snapped, snatching the glass out of my hand. “Nobody touches your drinks but me or Shen, remember?” I blinked in confusion, I could’ve sworn… my mind was swimming, and I couldn’t breathe.

“Can I go to the bathroom, please?” I asked, and Doug helped me to my feet, Shen appearing to grab my elbow.

“Don’t take long,” he ordered, and I nodded, letting Shen guide me through the crowd toward the bathroom. He checked inside before letting me go in, and I was relieved when he shut the door, leaving me alone in blissful silence. I walked slowly toward the sink, feeling off-balance in my high heels as the world slid in and out of focus. I tried to avoid the mirror, but my gaze flitted up as I neared out of habit. I grimaced at the sickly apparition staring back at me. It was as if the drugs leeched the color right out of my body. My skin was nearly translucent, a stark contrast to the dark circles under my eyes. Bruises covered my arms, and I frowned, my fingers grazing over a fresh-looking one on my forearm. I didn’t remember getting this, or any of them for that matter. Maybe I was bumping into things during my blackouts, that would make sense.

A wave of dizziness had me clutching the edges of the counter, and I closed my eyes, willing it to pass. When I opened them again, a flash of movement caught my eye. I spun, nearly losing my balance, searching for the face I’d just seen in the mirror. “Levy?” I murmured, staring at the empty bathroom.

I was losing my mind. My brain couldn’t decipher between past and present anymore. “Leave me alone, please,” I whispered, pressing my palms into my eyes. The door swung open, and I flinched, but it was only Shen, an impatient look on his face. “I’m coming,” I mumbled, glancing once more into the empty space before following Shen back into the club.

Flashes of faces, snippets of conversations, everything blurred together in a horrible jumble in my mind. I remembered… champagne? The taste on my tongue, someone tipping my glass so I would drink; hands-on my waist, steading me, gripping me too hard.

The thrum of exhaustion filtered through the haze. I just want to sleep, please, let me sleep.

Lips pressed against my neck, and rough hands pulled at my dress. I pushed them off, groaning. A hand gripped my hair, wrenching my neck back until I cried out, and I clawed at it, fighting against its hold. I was in a bed, was it my bed? I couldn’t tell. I just want to sleep .

“Take your meds, Gracie,” Doug commanded, from somewhere nearby.

No, I don’t want to, please. I can’t think anymore.

Something was forced past my lips, and water trickled into my mouth, making me choke. A hand closed around my mouth, and my nose was plugged, forcing me to swallow so I could breathe again.

“I don’t feel well,” I mumbled, trying to lay down. I somehow ended up on my back, and someone pushed me down into the bed. Please let me sleep . I struck out weakly, pushing at the weight threatening to crush my chest. Something struck my face, the pain barely registering. I kicked and clawed until my limbs grew too heavy to fight anymore. The numbness trickled in again, the world bleeding away around the edges. Let me sleep… let me sleep… I just want to…