19. Grace

NINETEEN

GRACE

"We can move this rack over by the front windows to make it visible to customers walking by. We have to try pushing it out before the new summer lines get here," I say to Claire. She owns Praya, the luxury boutique I work at. After I graduated from Hope Harbor Community College two years ago, she was kind enough to hire me as a sales associate. She and my mom have been friends since my family's company built the building, and she took a chance on a business major who hoped to work her way up the ladder. Six months ago, her head fashion buyer passed away, and she transitioned me into the position.

I know what you're thinking. What a tragedy to lose a co-worker so unexpectedly. And while we were very saddened by Gladys' death, it wasn't exactly a shock since she was eighty-five years old. Four years to the day older than Claire. Six years older than our sales manager, Etta. Other than me, there's only one other employee here that doesn't qualify for Medicare.

"What's up, sluts? Party's here!" Monroe announces, busting through the door like she's about to dance on some tables instead of head a marketing meeting. I shake my head, chuckling quietly as the two elderly women roll their eyes and go back to what they were doing before I interrupted them with plans for our new season launch.

"How do you still have a job here?" I ask, taking a sip of my coffee.

She rolls her eyes. "Please. These bitches love me. Also, I'm a goddamn marketing genius."

She's not wrong. At twenty-five years old, she has the knowledge of someone who has been in the industry for decades. Why she chooses to work at a small upscale boutique near the Boston Harbor is beyond me. She could be in some big city heading a marketing team wherever she wants, but I'm glad she's here, because I don't know what I would do without her. She moved into town after a bad breakup about a year ago, so we haven't known each other for long, but I swear we were meant to be friends. Right from our first real conversation, I've felt like she understands and encourages me in a way no other girlfriend ever has.

When I first started working here, I was still at a point where I had no direction in my life. After that summer, I decided against going to California and put myself on the waitlist at both MCA and the New York Fashion Institute. Eventually, I was accepted to both, but something was holding me back. I haven't designed an original piece in years, and every time I try, I end up hating the result. That's why, when I was given the opportunity to work here, I decided it was the right move for me.

I love fashion. My goal has always been to have my own line and maybe sell it in a shop of my own, but that's just not where I am right now. I keep waiting for my creativity to magically return so I can start designing again, but for now, I'm happy doing what I do. Filling this place with the latest trends and seeing customers come from all over to get them gives me a sense of accomplishment that I didn't think I'd find when I decided to go to HHCC and get a business degree. At the time, it was just a placeholder. I had every intention of going to fashion school, but I wanted to make sure I was in a good place to do it. Unfortunately, I never got there.

I'm okay with it, though. It took me a while to start rebuilding my life after Tanner left me to pick myself back up alone, but I was finally starting to feel like everything was back on track.

Until two days ago when he showed up at my parents' door and asked if we could talk.

I've tried so hard to avoid seeing him since that day. I know he was drafted by the Boston Blizzard, and he probably lives within an hour from me, but I make it a point to avoid the city and anything that has to do with the football team. He's a pretty big deal around here and everyone adores him, so it's impossible not to see him on billboards and commercials, but I do what I can. Even though it's been five years, it still kills me to see his face. As soon as anyone around me brings him up in conversation, I exit stage right because I'm afraid to know what his personal life is like these days.

Does he date? Does he have a girlfriend? I assume he isn't married because I feel like my parents or his would be broadcasting that rather loudly, but I'm sure one day I'll get that invitation and it'll break me all over again.

Not that I have any room to talk. Although Cash and I got off to a rough start when I was in high school, our paths ended up crossing again at a friend's birthday party right after I graduated college. I even helped him get a job working for my dad at the construction company when he mentioned that was his dream career. About a year and a half ago, he finally asked me on a date, and I accepted. I wasn't expecting to have much fun, but we really hit it off the second time around, and things have been pretty great ever since.

Like any couple, we have some things that we aren't in one hundred percent agreement about, but those are things I'm willing to compromise on because I love him. I've learned that I don't always need to feel that rush of adrenaline when I'm with someone. Knowing that he loves me back and that he isn't going to just pick up and leave is good enough to keep me happy. So, when he proposed six months ago, I accepted. Even though we have small differences, he makes me feel safe and secure, which is something I struggled with for a long time after Tanner.

Currently, Cash is in charge of a huge project with my dad that will supply affordable housing to single moms and their children. He's been putting so much time and work into it, spending late nights at the office and on-site, making sure everything is perfect and that it'll be done by the deadline so we can move the families in as soon as possible. I'm so proud of him for everything that he's doing.

"Sooooo," I say to Monroe, catching her attention. "He showed up Saturday."

Her eyes go wide. " He? As in, the guy who threw you away like a piece of trash and disappeared from your life forever? That he ?"

Wow. Next time just punch me in the face.

"Yeah," I say with a wince.

"Oh my God. Did you rip his nutsack off? Is it in your purse? Can I see it?" she replies, making me roll my eyes.

"I ran as fast as I could out of the house."

She put her hands together like she's praying. "Please at least tell me he chased you."

"He chased me," I tell her. "He asked me if we could talk, and I told him no. Then, Cash came out because I started yelling and that was kind of it."

She blows out a breath. "Whoa. So, he knows you're engaged."

I shrug. I didn't come out and tell Tanner that I'm getting married, but I didn't miss the way his eyes locked in on my ring when I put my hand against Cash's chest. I thought it would feel good for him to see that I had moved on despite the way he broke me, but if I'm being completely honest, it kind of sucked. The way his face dropped took me back to that summer all over again.

I know he wasn't completely honest with me that day at the lighthouse. Maybe I shouldn't have told him about my plans to stay in Massachusetts instead of going across the country for college, but I was pretty sure at that point that it wasn't really what I wanted. Being closer to home, and to him, felt like the right thing for me, and his reaction certainly wasn't the one I had hoped for. But the look in his eyes when he told me he didn't love me? To this day, I'm not completely sure I believe it. Not that it matters, because I've moved on and I'm happy. I'm marrying Cash, and we're going to have a long, fulfilling life together. The last thing I need is for Tanner Lake to walk back into my life and make me second-guess everything I've worked so hard for.

"So, what now?" she asks. "Do you think he'll start coming back around now that the ice has been broken?"

"I don't see why he would," I reply. "I'm sure he has a lot going on in Boston that keeps him from visiting home. I know his parents go down there to watch him play and to spend holidays with him, so I don't see a reason for him to start coming around again."

Part of me hopes that that's true. Seeing him brought back so many memories of all the years of friendship we shared. Not to mention, when he grabbed my arm, it was like no time had passed at all since the last time he touched me. It felt so familiar, yet at the same time, it was like I was looking at a complete stranger. I wasn't expecting the overabundance of emotions that hit me at the contact. Everything from being angry that he thought he had the right, to sadness that it's been so long since I've felt his skin on mine…to irritation with myself for feeling that way when it's the last thing I should be wanting .

Then there's the other part of me. The part that wishes I could coexist with him and not think about the past. I know I'm not strong enough to forgive him or be his friend. I guess I'm still too angry for that, but it would be nice to not feel like I had the weight of the world on my shoulders with the amount of effort I put into avoiding him.

I get invited to Blizzard games often, and I always decline because I'm afraid he'll somehow see me in the crowd. I know how impossible that is, but it's always at the back of my mind. I'm terrified that if he really looks at me and sees that there's still so much hurt and anger left over from the day he tore my heart out, it'll put me right back where I started. I refuse to go through that again. That's why I feel safe in my relationship with Cash. We may not have the explosive sexual chemistry that I had with Tanner, but a lot of good that did me anyway. I'd rather know where I stand in my relationship and not have to worry that it'll randomly just end abruptly when I least expect it.

"Well," she says, taking my coffee from my hand and taking a sip before walking toward the meeting room, prompting me to follow, "let's get this marketing meeting over with, Drama Llama. These hoes are going to be needing their morning nap soon." I roll my eyes just as Etta yawns loudly, making us both fight not to laugh.

It's not exactly what I expected my life to look like at twenty-three, but I worked hard to get here, and I know from experience that it could be a hell of a lot worse.