Chapter 17

CHAPTER 17

J ackson

I'm so impressed and pleased that Luca felt brave enough, comfortable enough with me, to show up in a t-shirt today. And to come back and help. He could have hidden in the house. I would have been sad about that, but I would have understood. I think the work will be good for him, physically and mentally.

I looked up self-harm last night on my phone. I could have looked up Luca, as he'd mentioned a scandal—no doubt there are stories online about him—but I didn't want to know them. What I wish to know about Luca, I'd prefer him to tell me when he's ready. But I wanted to know more about the things he'd been through that were bad enough for him to do that to himself.

I'm still shocked, and extremely angry that these things could happen. I guess I knew they could, but in my own little corner of life, they haven't affected me and I've been blissfully ignorant of the facts. I don't know what his story is, but I have an imagination and it went through all the possibilities. Even if half of them are true, no wonder the guy has panic attacks.

I spent a lot of time reflecting on whether this mattered to me at all, and every time I probed, the answer was a resounding, "no." His past is his past and what I really wish to do is make a brighter future for him.

I want him to know that I'll be here to help him, but after yesterday, I don't want to start another big talk and scare him away. I don't know how to start it anyway—big talk not being my thing. I'm a straightforward kind of guy.

Oblique references? That was my ex-wife's speciality—though they were all of the derogatory kind rather than the supportive. But when we talk about the garden, I hope he understands that when I say I can try to fix it , he knows I mean him . I think he does. That's all I can hope for.

So it's not awkward anymore—well not in that way—but there is a fragile thread, a delicate tension between us. I think there's more he wants to say. There's more I want to say,and a hell of a lot more I want to do with him, but I don't even know how to approach that. I don't know what he's into, if he is into anything. Maybe I'll hug him again—hugging seems fine.