36. Hell is a Place on Earth

thirty-six

Cam

The bittersweet flavor of vodka and cranberry juice settles on my tongue. The bar lighting is dim, but the atmosphere isn't. People talk loudly, about work, and their families, and the weather, not caring who around them hears it. Steady beats send vibrations through the floor, traveling up the bar into my glass. The red liquid inside of it shakes softly, little ripples like blood-soaked waves in my clear cup.

I shouldn't have listened to Hayden. I knew the second he held up that stupid pink rock, that the entire thing was a bad idea. The signals I'd been sending were mixed, lately. I feel terrible about it, how she became victim to my dependency. Even setting my own rules didn't work, every piece of that contract broken by the two of us.

What Violet doesn't know is that I wish it was true. If I had feelings for her, everything would be so much less complicated. I wouldn't have to explain that it isn't feelings, it's attachment. It's a trauma bond, like what happened with Cody. Except instead of Cody being the person I bonded with, he's the reason behind it.

I hate so much that this happened. Being around Violet was like seeing the world in 3D. Usually, I only ever see the bad. The things to worry about, the awful possibilities. But Violet showed me that The Realm is full of hope too. Sure, terrible things might happen. Terrible things do happen. But good things happen too, and she was one of them.

But that's gone now. Her confession, the way she talked to me, how clear her belief is that all I am is terrified, proved, I think at least, that all of it has come to an abrupt end.

29"Is this seat taken?"

My gaze flicks up, Cody grinning sheepishly, his large hand hovering over the stool next to me. I shake my head, and he sits down.

"Whiskey, neat," he says to the bartender. The bartender pours the thick brown liquid into a short glass and sets it in front of us.

"You know Cam," Cody starts, reaching out his hand to tuck a strand of hair behind my ear. "I'm really glad you called."

Goosebumps flood my skin from his touch, the hairs on the back of my neck standing straight. I clear my throat, taking a heavy swig of my drink.

"Thank you for coming," I say after. He picks up his glass, swirling the liquid around like a tornado inside, before pressing his lips against it, taking a long drink. His eyes lock onto mine, and usually, I'd look away, but not tonight. Not anymore.

"So what is it that you wanted to tell me?" he asks. "It sounded pretty important on the phone." His tone sounds almost condescending, a haughty smirk tugging at his lips.

This is it. This is the moment I've been waiting for, though I hadn't realized until tonight. This entire time, all I needed was to get this off my chest. I take a deep breath, not letting his gaze go. He's going to look me in the eye when he hears this.

"You know Cody," I say, reaching my hand out to him. He grabs it, his smile growing just a little bit wider as he squeezes it. I forgot how rough his hands are, almost like Violet's, except I don't find his charming. I find them repulsive. "I just wanted to say…"

He nods for me to continue, his eyes beaming in the warm lights.

In. Hold. Out.

"I just wanted to say, fuck you."

Along with my hand, the arrogant grin on his face drops, his jaw going slack. All the light that had just illuminated his eyes drains out, his cheeks growing pale.

Cody's cheeks don't grow pale. They only ever get red. But here they are, right in front of me, white as the snow falling outside. I say it again:

"Fuck you. You took advantage of me. You knew I was vulnerable. You knew I had just been through unimaginable trauma, and you acted like you were there for me. And then, when you had me in your grip, when I finally trusted you, you made me believe that my life couldn't exist without you."

Cody tries to speak, but I don't even bother pretending I care. I don't let him interrupt me. I don't let him explain.

"You called the only piece I had of my dad left "shit". You tried to isolate me from my friends, from the only people I had left. You cheated on me, then blamed me for a chemical reaction to my medication. You told me that I'd never grow because I was too scared to try. Well guess what?"

I take a sip of my drink, my gaze narrowing onto him. Now, I want him to speak.

"Go on," I say, gesturing. "Guess."

Cody blinks harshly, pure shock sewn into every inch of his stupid face. His brows weave together, and he clears his throat.

"You're not scared anymore?" he asks weakly, his voice almost mouse-like. It's so jarring to see him this way. I don't think he's felt small a day in his life until now.

"No," I answer. "I'm terrified. But I grew anyway."

Cody swallows, the cartilage in his throat jerking. Then, he nods slowly.

"Cam, sweetheart," he says softly, and you'd think his tone was genuine if he was capable of it. "I'm so sorry you feel that way." His hand reaches to grab mine, but I pull away. "I never wanted to hurt you, but sometimes, I felt like I had no choice. I mean, you were crazy sometimes, panicking about things that didn't even make sense. You were scared of getting hurt, so I tried to protect you. But I should have done it differently."

"No." The word slips out before I have a chance to register it, but as it hangs in the air, I know that it's the right one. "You can't guilt-trip your way out of this, Cody. I—"

"Babe, I miss you. I'm not guilt-tripping you, I'm giving you an explanation. If you would just hear a guy out, I think you'd realize that all I ever wanted was to make you happy."

A maniacal laugh erupts out of me, my fingers squeezing the inner corners of my eyes.

"You literally had sex with someone else in my bed," I say. "How exactly is that keeping me happy?"

"W—" Cody stops, no doubt from the lack of a valid response. I can see the ideas flipping through his tiny little brain, trying to settle on the best one. "I had a lot of pent up energy," he divulges. "You wouldn't want to deal with that on your medication, would you?"

Another laugh slips through my lips, this one more of a laugh scoff, shocked at the audacity this man has.

"Go to hell."*

Then, I toss the rest of my drink to the back of my throat, stand up, and escape to the bathroom.

I weave through the thick crowds. I don't know why so many people have come to Monsey's the night before Christmas Eve. I guess I can't say much, though, because clearly, I'm one of them.

It's almost funny. The last time I was here, I was escaping out of the bathroom. Now, I'm retreating into it, the only place Cody won't follow me.

I push the heavy door open, the light inside brighter than the lowlights of the bar. It beams onto me, almost like a movie, and while my eyes adjust to the scene inside, my stomach drops.

There, on the floor, Violet is sitting face-to-face with a red-haired woman. The woman's pale hand cups her face, almost like the way Violet used to cup mine. But if that was the only thing causing my brain to swirl and my knees to go limp, I'd simply leave.

Blood drains from my face as recognition washes over me. And then, I watch as it washes over her. Over them both.

"Shit. Cam—" Violet shoots up, the whites of her eyes growing as she rushes to me. "This isn't what it looks like. I mean, not that it matters, but this—"

Everything Violet says next just flows in one ear and out the other. I can't focus on her words right now. All I can focus on is the woman on the floor. It's unmistakable, the red hair, the pointed chin. The glossy coat layered on her lips. That's her. That's the woman Cody cheated on me with.

"Is this…her?" the woman asks. Her voice is tight and sharp, one of her perfectly sculpted thin brows pointed up. My brows furrow, but I can't stop staring at her.

I don't know why I hate her. For all I know, she could have been completely innocent. I doubt Cody would have been honest about the fact that he was dating me. But still, something deep in my chest is burning. Maybe it's because she should have seen the pictures on the wall. Or maybe, it's something else entirely.

"Fuck," Violet mutters, but I still can't look at her. "Mallory, just don't. Okay?"

Mallory. Like, Mallory, Mallory?

"What do you mean, her?" I ask, staring her down. I don't know why I feel threatened right now. There's nothing more this woman can take from me.

Mallory glances up at Violet, then back to me.

"The girl that Violet was talking about. The one she's seeing." My brain tries to process the words flowing from her mouth, but it's struggling to keep up as she continues. "But also, you're Cody's—"

The door swings open again, and I don't have to turn around to know who it is that's stepped inside. The scent of allspice washes over me, my stomach twisting into an even tighter mass. I should have known he wasn't above barging into the women's bathroom. I flip around, Cody standing firmly with his arms crossed over his broad chest.

"Come on, Cam. You can't hide in here forever; let's talk this out. I mean, you can come with me to LA."

I step aside, revealing Mallory on the floor behind me. I watch his face drop again, maybe even more dramatically than it had back at the bar. Violet showed me heaven at Al's, but this right here, is my personal hell.

Finally, my gaze flicks over to Violet. Every bit of color has drained from her face. I can't imagine what she must be thinking, how this must look. I scramble to explain, before she can think anything of Cody barging in here like this, saying those things. I don't know why I care what she thinks about the situation. But I do anyway.

"Violet, he's not—" But I stop, my heart slipping into the depths of the floor below as my eyes latch onto a pink, glossy smear on her thick lower lip. My breath hitches, and my heart pounds, everything I've ever known disappearing to the back of my mind.

It doesn't matter. I made it clear to Violet what the rules were, and how she broke them. I was straightforward, back at the salon, that nothing I felt for her was beyond comfortability and safety. But for some reason, everything inside of me crumbles.

"You kissed her?"

Violet's brows drop for a second, almost like she's confused, but then they shoot up, her sleeve dragging over her lips to wipe away the evidence. I step back, my spine hitting the thick door behind me. Cody and Mallory both look up from whatever conversation they were having, their eyes falling onto me. Violet's head shakes quickly.

"No, Cam, it wasn't like that. It—"

I grab the door handle, the brass cold against my palm.

"If this wasn't over before," I say sharply, tears pooling in my eyes. "It sure as hell is now."