29. Just Breathe

twenty-nine

Cam

Inever liked the snow, even before it killed my dad. 23 It soaks through your clothes, it takes hours to shovel, and besides, I don't like to be cold. I can't deny, though, how versatile it is.

In the same minutes, the same seconds the avalanche buried my dad's car on the bypass, I had been in the front yard, building an igloo for the both of us. Unlike me, he loved the snow. He always said it reminded him of my mom, who he met while skiing. I wanted to surprise him. But when the police rolled up to tell me what had happened, the snow packed into my gloves turned red. The blood was on my hands. At least it felt that way. Here I was, playing in the thing that had just killed the person I loved most.

There hadn't even been an avalanche warning. Nobody could have known, even the people who were supposed to predict those kinds of things. Still, I had been the one to suggest he take the scenic route on his way home instead of the city. I told him to admire the mountains, soak in the snowfall. Really, I was just trying to buy more time to finish the igloo. It was taking a lot longer than I thought it would, and I needed a little bit more time.

But I got more time than I ever wanted. More than I ever asked for.

I never liked the snow, but now, I hate it.*

I peek through the salon window, the one pointing to the parking lot. Giant flakes drift down, covering everything in a thick coat of white. It blankets the branches of the pine trees, like a perfect winter painting. I shake my head.

"I hope you have a jacket," I say to the shaved Bichon on the table. His tongue hangs out the side of his mouth in a steady pant. "‘Because you are going to be cold."

The silver comb glides through his tail, which is the only part of his coat I managed to save during the dematting process. I tug softly, releasing the tangled hair to create a smooth tuft. The dog turns, licking me gently, and I smile.

"Alright, let's get you home."

I scoop him into my arms and carefully carry him to an empty suite before placing him inside. But just as I reach into my pocket, darkness washes over me.

I blink, thinking at first that maybe, somehow, I accidentally closed my eyes. But when they open again, I'm still staring into a dark, endless abyss. Quiet falls over the facility, the playful barking of the dogs in daycare ceasing abruptly.

"Woah." I hear a low voice say from one of the pens. It sounds like Avery. I reach for my phone in my pocket, so I can turn on the flashlight, but a sudden loud beep emitting from it causes me to jump backward. I clutch my chest as I pull it out of my pocket.

Weather Alert: Greenrock Valley, WA Civil Authorities Issued an Avalanche Warning Until 21:00

My phone slides out of my hand and crashes onto the floor. A pit forms in my stomach, sinking lower and lower, and I kneel on the ground, scrambling around to find it. When I feel the familiar, rectangular shape in my hand, my grip tightens.

"Fuck," I whisper, to nobody but myself. I try to take a deep breath, but it's ragged and weak. "It's okay. You're okay."

My heart thrums against the inside of my ribcage, a tight pinching sensation filling my chest. I take a staggered breath.

"You're okay," I repeat again. I feel like one of the dogs on my own table, trying to soothe myself with words I don't know I truly believe.

Furry Friends Pet Resort is miles from the mountains. I know that being completely drowned in snow is out of the Realm of Likely Possibilities. But that doesn't stop me from panicking. Not now.

My feet move fast, and I don't know where they're taking me, but I'm in no position to fight back. My rubber boots thud against the floor, my chest rising and falling rapidly with each step. When the supply closet door slams behind me, I let my back lean against the wall and slide down to the floor as I bury my head in my knees.

The quick thrum of my heart vibrates in my ears as I close my eyes, trying to focus on slowing it down. But it doesn't. My hands shake as they squeeze my knees to my chest, my heartbeat growing louder, the sound pounding against the inside of my skull. Staggered breaths slide through my lips, small whistles coming from the back of my throat as I fight to breathe.

It's all my fault.

It's all my fault.

My back hits the wall as my body begins to rock, the pressure against my chest growing as I squeeze my knees tighter. I shake my head at the words repeating in my own brain. It isn't true. It isn't.

But it is.

It's all my fault.

Tears pool in my closed eyes, trickling down my cheeks in a rapid river. My lungs expand, grasping at air I don't know exists in this moment. The muscles in my throat constrict, and I choke, coughing loudly, as my entire body continues to shake.

I need Adrian. I need Hayden. Or maybe…

"Cam?" a voice calls out, piercing the noise in my mind. It's brief though, and the air around me still seems to dissipate as I try to take a breath.

It's all my fault.

"Cam, where are you?" it repeats. I know it's Violet. The familiar rasp, the strained worry.

"Check the closet," another, more grizzly voice says. I recognize this one too. It's Avery. "Violet, we have to find her."

My nails dig into my curled biceps, and if I were more aware of myself right now, I'm sure it would hurt. But I can barely hear the voices right outside the door. They sound a lifetime away. So the nerves in my body, the ones that are shaking? The ones that should feel a sharp, stinging sensation? They're numb.

A beam of white light flashes across my closed eyes, and I squeeze them shut tighter, continuing to rock.

It's all my fault.

It's all my fault.

Rough fingertips glide across my forearms, a warm body positioning itself behind me. A pair of arms wrap tightly around my own, compressing my chest harder. Tears pool in the corners of my lips, the salt hitting my tongue as my mouth opens to let out a choked sob.

Voices surround me, I'm sure of it. I just can't decipher what they're saying. A soft sound rings through the air, like a zipper sliding against metal teeth. Then, the sound of a shaking pill bottle. The rhythm in my chest is starting to steady from the pressure of the arms wrapped around me, but the sharp pain in my lungs persists.

It's all my fault.

"Here," Avery says, his voice low. I feel something hard and small pressed against my lips, but I still don't open my eyes. I part them, letting two pills slide inside. Then, the spout of a water bottle follows, wedging itself between my teeth.

"Take a sip."

I suck in, my chest shaking as the water fills my mouth, then slides down my throat as I swallow, the pills drifting with it.

It's all my fault.

"Take a breath with me," Violet says. "Like this."

I hear her unwavering breath as she inhales methodically.

"In. Hold. Out."

She breathes again, following her own instruction. Violet's breath sounds like the ocean, steady waves crashing on the shore to a predictable flow. I try to follow, but the air shatters inside of me.

It's all my fault.

"What's she saying?" Violet asks. I hadn't realized the words were coming out of my mouth. My eyes squeeze tighter, light specks floating around in the darkness of my eyelids.

"It's all her fault," Avery answers softly.

Yes. It's all my fault.

A heavy hand brushes the hair out of my face, one arm still pressed against my chest. I don't know for sure, but I think I can feel a head shake.

"It's not," Avery whispers, and I realize now I can feel his breath against the back of my neck. "It's not your fault."

My head shakes involuntarily, the words spinning around in my brain, yearning to rest. My cheeks are cold from the wet streaks sliding down them, and I suck in a trembling breath.

It is.

It's not.

It is.

It's not.

"It's not," Violet repeats, and a flash of light washes over me, the back of my eyelids growing red.

The lights must have kicked back on.

My eyes flutter open, but all I see is a blur. I blink, tears streaming down my face, as I take staggered breaths and sip the water. Everything around me is moving slowly and quickly all at once. Violet is kneeled in front of me, her movements lagging, but the room around her spins like a time-lapse.

Another shaky breath slides into my lungs, the pressure on my chest slowly easing as Avery's arms relax. I try to breathe through my nose, but it's stuck. I part my lips again.

"Good," Violet says, nodding. "In. Hold. Out. Keep breathing."

I blink, the tears in my eyes drying up.

"Adrian's on their way," Avery says, his voice still behind me.

I sniffle, nodding my head as I take another slow breath.

In.

Hold.

Out.

"A—"

"And Hayden." He nods.

I swallow, a strong, stinging sensation tunneling through my arms, and I realize I still haven't let go. My fingers relax, the skin beneath them raw and bruised. I look up at Violet, her eyes wide. Her gaze shifts to Avery, and I feel his head shake against my body.

"They'll go away," he says, pulling himself to his feet. He reaches a hand down to me, his fingers curling around my wrist as he helps me stand. My legs wobble underneath my weight, and I steady myself against the wall. "They always go away."

Violet nods, and Avery looks down at me, his brows furrowing slightly before looking back to Violet.

"You got this? I have to get back to the pack."

Violet nods, and my lips tremble as I stare at the wall.

Avery shoots me one last pitying expression before walking out of the storage closet. The door swings closed behind him. Immediately, Violet's arms engulf me, the familiar form of her body pressing against mine. I grow weak in her arms, my knees buckling, but her grip keeps me grounded. We stand there for a moment, just melting silently together. Then, she pulls away. She brushes off the strands of hair sticking to my wet cheeks, and her hands cup my jaw gently.

"Are you okay?" she asks, her eyes moving to find mine.

I sniffle, nodding, but I don't try to speak. I know I won't be able to. The pads of Violet's thumbs trace underneath my eyes, just like she had done at Monsey's. But it isn't like that at all, actually. It feels different. And I realize that this, I think, her, is what I need right now.

She pulls me back into her body, her nose nestled into the crook of my neck.

"You're safe," she whispers, her breath dancing across my skin. "And it is not your fault."