17. Clipper Confessions

seventeen

Cam

Coordination isn't really my strong suit. I'm the type of person who sucks at pretty much anything athletic. Even Wii Sports is a challenge for me. Hayden's seven-year-old sister places better than I do.

So how I managed to beat Violet in bowling had to be entirely luck. Only, my luck is typically terrible too, so maybe it was more so pure motivation.

Honestly, I didn't give a single fuck about picking out her tattoo. I just chose that in an attempt to take the idea of a bet entirely off the table. But Violet's promise to fuck me until I have to call into work? Now that's a prize I can get behind.

Still, I did win the tattoo decision, so I may as well take advantage of it. I've been thinking about it the past few days, trying to figure out what I can choose that would fit in with the rest of her sleeve.

I think I found just the thing.

"Good boy Major," I say, praising him for simply standing still on the table. Honestly, that's an accomplishment for a nine-month-old puppy. The fact that he's a service dog in training might have something to do with his perfect behavior, but I attribute it to my patient and loving demeanor instead. The silver teethed shears glide over his perfectly straightened white coat, smoothing out any imperfections in the cut.

I'm a mess of a person, I know that. Hell, this entire Violet situation is a fucking mess. I still can't wrap my mind around it. The fact that I'm doing something so risky. So unpredictable. Everything is a mess. But Major is going to be perfect.

"I mean, I was planning to give you shit, but I gotta say… damn."

"Hayden, are you even allowed back here?" I ask, pressing my free hand against my hip. He brushes his blonde hair out of his eyes and shoots me a gleaming smile.

"Avery let me sneak back. Besides, people pity the disabled guy who's separated from his beloved service dog."

I give him a faux pout. "Oh, you poor, poor thing."

"I know, it's heartbreaking. Almost makes you just wanna hold me and take care of me until I inevitably die. Maybe pity me enough to give me a kiss."

His smile turns crafty, and he finishes it off with a wink. Hayden is probably the most flirtatious person I have ever met. He'd flirt with a telephone pole if the lighting was right. I know he doesn't really mean it, at least not to me. He just has a strong appreciation for the female gender. Maybe it's because he was born in one's body, or maybe it's just who he is.

That's why we have the agreement: we pretend to be a couple in public if we don't want to be approached. He saw his ex at the bowling alley, and I wanted the chance to make Violet jealous. So, it was a win-win scenario, even if he didn't know my motives.

"It really, really doesn't," I say, turning back to Major and resuming my work.

He steps through the doorway he'd been lingering in, hands in his pockets as he looks around.

"Does that have anything to do with me?" he asks, his voice lowering. He stands just beside me, the heat from his body filling the air. "Or does it have more to do with the fact that you and Violet are fucking?"

My body freezes, every muscle turning into pure, thick ice. Well, every muscle besides the ones in my neck, which turns sharply so that I am face-to-face with Hayden. My lungs are like a capsule, locked tightly so nothing can come in or out.

How the fuck did he know?

"I don't—"

"Know what I'm talking about?" he interrupts, his head tilting in an all-too-telling way. Nothing I say is going to convince him otherwise. I can pretend I don't know what he's talking about. I can try gaslighting him into thinking it's all in his head. But from the way his eyebrow is quirked and how his lip twitches, I know that there is absolutely no point.

Now, the only thing that can come from denying it is broken trust between us.

Which only reminds me…

"Don't tell Adrian," I blurt out. "Please." I look up at him desperately.

Adrian is amazing. They're the type of friend you die for because they're the type to die for you. They'll stick next to you through every bump and struggle and mistake. They're my soulmate.

But this isn't a "pissing myself at the movies" kind of secret. It's not even an "I accidentally shoplifted this $70 bag" kind of secret (yes, I returned it). This is a "could completely fuck me over" type of secret. A secret that could ruin everything.

Detoxing your life is so much harder than it sounds, especially when you have an adjustment disorder. It should be easy, getting rid of the things that you know are terrible for you. But it isn't. At least not for me. I wasn't blind to the fact that Cody was abusive. And I knew The Dog Shop wasn't any better. But those things were constants in my life. Pillars of my routine. Things I knew, things I expected.

And I'm grateful that they're over with. It took a lot of work. A lot of therapy sessions and panic attacks but I did it. I'm here, in a supportive workplace, surrounded by my friends. I can't lose this. I've worked too hard to lose it.

And Violet? Well, this could fuck her over just as badly.

Hayden offers me a warm smile, his hand resting on my shoulder.

"Cam, I'm proud of you," he says. "I'm proud that change is filling your life, and I'm proud you're letting it." My muscles ease slightly, feeling the solace of his voice. "But I'm also worried. I know Violet, Cam. She's amazing. She's the kind of person you don't let go. But that's the problem. You're doing new things, exploring your sexuality, and I'm here for it. I'm proud of you. But this thing with Violet, it's temporary."

My brows furrow, my body tensing up again in defense.

"I know," I say. "That's the point."

He nods. "Okay. I just want to point that out. Because it kind of—the point of you having a one-night stand was to avoid attachment. And…"

I frown.

"I'm not going to get attached, Hayden."

"I'm not saying you are, I'm just—" He clears his throat. "I just want to make sure you've thought this through. It's hard to be around someone in such an intimate way without catching feelings."

I know Hayden is just worried about me. He's trying to protect me, and I love him for that. But I'm not the same broken Cam I was when he met me. Sure, I still have work to do. But I'm different now. I'm changing.

I don't need him to protect me. I'm not going to get attached to Violet. I can hardly stand being in the same room as her when we aren't fucking. My head tilts, and I lean against his arm.

"I've thought this through," I say softly. "I promise."

His hand cups the back of my head gently. "Okay," he says. "I believe you."

We stand there in silence for a moment, until Major lets out a soft whine.

"Oh buddy," Hayden says, reaching his hand out to pet him. "You're fine. Sorry for distracting her."

I shake my head and slide Major's head through the nylon loop attached to the table.

"He's just about done. He did awesome, by the way."

"We can credit most of that to your girl." Hayden wiggles his eyebrows as he emphasizes the word. "She's pretty awesome at her job."

"She's not my girl," I say, shoving him playfully. Both my hands straddle my hips, and I lean to the side, shooting him a glare. "And it's her side job."

Hayden coaxes Major off the table and clips a navy collar around his neck. He smirks.

"So are you, apparently."

I point to the door, an unamused expression on my face. "Out. Now."

Hayden tilts his head back apologetically. "C'mon, Cam, it was just a joke." I continue pointing at the door. "Fine," he grumbles, giving me a tight side-squeeze. He walks toward the closed door and reaches for the handle.

I swallow. "Hayden, wait."

He stops and turns toward me with a smile.

"How did you know?"

His blue eyes shimmer for a moment, then glaze over.

"I know you Cam," he says. "Maybe better than myself."

A crease forms between my brows as I press them together. He shakes his head.

"I saw your texts," he says. "At the bowling alley."

"Oh." I nod.

Hayden nods back, turning toward the door again.

"Love you," he says, pushing it open. I smile, waving at him even though his back is turned.

"Love you too."