13. Frozen Egg Rolls

thirteen

Cam

Iwas three minutes late to last week's Criminal Dinner, thanks to Violet. I haven't been late in over a year. So here I am, forty minutes before seven, gripping a bag of frozen egg rolls.

"You're early," Adrian says, throwing their arms around me. Irritated by the snow's existence, I brush it off my shoes before stepping inside. "Hayden's here too."

If I were a therapist, I think I'd diagnose the Pacific Northwest with whatever the opposite is of Adjustment Disorder. One day, the seats of your car are scalding your bare thighs as you sit down. The next, you're practically in Antarctica.

"How was work?" Hayden asks. Images of Violet flash through my mind, those pierced lips, her luminescent eyes. That bare spot on her forearm. The past week has been a blur of internal screaming, as I try to look at Violet like she's my boss, and not the person who made me uncontrollably scream her name in a closet. It's hard enough to do that on its own, but on top of it, I have to act like I never want it to happen again. And I have nobody to talk to about it.

Except Dr. Burton, of course.

"What did Violet say?" Adrian asks, their eyes widening. My body tenses at her name.

"What?"

"About Kira's tooth?"

"Oh! Right." I swallow. Kira is a corgi who decided out of nowhere to attack the high-speed Dremel in my hands, consequently chipping a tooth. "Her mom was cool about it."

I don't want to be talking to Adrian about Kira's tooth. More than anything, I want to tell my best friend about Violet. About Monsey's, about the storage closet. About how good it was and how bad I want it again. But Adrian has a track record of losing things. And by that, I mean not keeping things they're supposed to, like secrets.

They don't mean to blab, they really don't.

Adrian would never hurt someone on purpose, especially not someone they care so deeply for. But, as I discussed with Dr. Burton, the entire world finding out about that night falls directly into The Realm if I were to tell Adrian.

I hold up the plastic grocery bag.

"I cheated this time. Store-bought egg rolls."

"Thank god," Avery mutters. Hayden nods, but then quickly stops when he sees that I'm looking at him.

"I'm sure they would've been great," he lies. "If you made them."

I roll my eyes and walk into the kitchen to preheat the oven.

"So I've been thinking," Adrian says, opening the box of egg rolls. They start lining the rolls up on the pan in neat rows. "It's been a few weeks since you tried the A.D.D. plan. I know it didn't end how you wanted it to last time, but I figured maybe, if we went with you, you could have some moral support until you don't need us."

"No."

The word leaves my mouth so quickly, it takes me a moment to realize I'm the one that said it. The truth is, I have thought about the A.D.D. plan. I have thought about trying again. I just hadn't decided I was going to go through with it until last week, when Violet joked about seeing me again. She laughed it off, and I did too. But as the words repeated in my head throughout the week, I realized that maybe it wasn't a bad idea.

I'm not usually one to break rules. I might be the only person in existence who actually sees speed signs as a limit and not a minimum. And hooking up with Violet? Well that broke all sorts of rules. Not just Angela's "no fucking" rule, but it broke the A.D.D. criteria.

The attraction is still there, no matter how insufferable Violet can be. But the difference now is that while I have a deal breaker, her being my boss, I no longer have distance. In fact, Violet and I see one another every day.

And still, I can't get the idea off my mind. We both want something, something we can give each other, so I learned the other day. I don't want to have to go back to Monsey's. I don't want to go through the stress and anxiety of finding someone who meets all of Adrian and Hayden's criteria every time I'm ready to try something new.

Violet is already there. She knows what I need, and though she's almost as annoying as Avery, she does know what she's doing. So, I made a list.

Cons:

She is my boss.

Fucking her is strictly against policy.

Breaking policy could get me fired.

She's kind of annoying.

Definitely not an A.D.D. hookup.

Pros:

Sex.

I already went through the initial dumpster fire of meeting her.

Sex.

When weighing out pros and cons, it isn't about numbers. It's about need. And while I need this job, I also need whatever happened that night to happen again.

"Okay." Adrian nods, giving me a soft smile. "That's okay." Their hand presses against mine, and I look up at them. "No pressure."

I should tell them. I should tell them right now what is running through my brain. Who is running through my brain. What kind of person keeps something like this from their best friend?

"Thanks," I say instead, pressing my lips to their temple.

"Gay!" Avery yells out, and Hayden tosses a couch pillow at him, giggling.

Adrian and I shoot him a synchronous glare, then look at each other and start laughing.

"These aren't new," I say disappointedly, pointing to the frozen egg rolls as Adrian slides the pan into the oven. "I know I'm supposed to be trying new things but—"

"But nothing," Hayden cuts in from behind me. I turn around and see his body towering over me, his lips offering a sweet smile.

"You've had a lot of changes recently, Cam. Work, trying to move on from Cody. It's okay if some things stay the same."

I lean into him, practically hugging him with my face. The familiar scent of cedarwood and honey fills my nose, and I melt into him. I think, strangely, I feel more guilty about keeping it from Hayden than I do from Adrian. Adrian was my friend first; I only know Hayden because of them. But I have a reason to keep it from Adrian. And right now, leaning into Hayden's soft warm arms, I realize there is absolutely no real reason I should be keeping it from him.

Hayden will take your secrets to the grave. I love that about him. Adrian is my best friend, but Hayden I could trust with anything. My stomach twists, a dry lump forming in my throat as guilt buries inside of me.

"I love you guys." I sigh, wrapping my arms around Hayden.

Adrian throws their arms around us both. "Me too."

"Yeah." Hayden chuckles. We all look over at Avery, who rolls his eyes.

"Don't drag me into this," he groans. "I'm just here for Derek Morgan."

Ithink Dr. Burton is mad at me. Is that a thing?

Can your therapist be mad at you?

I mean I know, logically, therapists are humans, and therefore, he has the emotional capability to be mad at me. But like, can he be mad at me from a medical standpoint?

"So." He pushes his glasses up the bridge of his nose. "Let me get this straight. You want to have a sexual arrangement… with your boss?"

I don't think his tone is intentionally judgy, but it makes my entire body feel like I'm standing before the fucking court.

Let the record show: yes, that's exactly what I'm proposing.

"Well, that sounds… wrong," I say. "When you put it that way."

Dr. Burton's eyebrows furrow. "How would you like to put it?"

"Well…" I suck in a breath, mulling things over for a minute. "It's a mutual, beneficial agreement between two consenting parties. If she agrees."

Dr. Burton nods, and I swear he's trying not to laugh at me.

"And what happened in the storage closet last week, that was initiated by…"

"Me." I say it confidently, like if you had told me that a month ago, I wouldn't have committed you to an institution. Dr. Burton stays silent for a moment, and I swallow.

"My concern, here, Cam, is that—"

"She isn't really my boss," I cut him off. Dr. Burton raises his eyebrows, but motions for me to continue. "If that's what you're thinking. I mean, she is, but she isn't. And it isn't like that. She didn't take advantage of me or anything."

I have to say it because I know how the words coming out of my mouth sound. But nothing would have ever happened between us if I hadn't started it. If I hadn't kissed her.

"Okay." Dr. Burton nods. "I believe you. But that wasn't my concern."

My brows press together, and I frown. "What was then?"

He takes a deep breath.

"Cam, when you have Adjustment Disorder, especially with depression and anxiety, your body and brain don't react to stress and changes like a normal person's does. They start to panic, as you know, and that can lead to finding comfort in filling space, patching holes to keep things as they are. I'm not saying that this is that." He clears his throat, and I shift uncomfortably in my seat. "But I am saying that I want you to be mindful of the reason you wanted to do this in the first place. You wanted to move on from your relationship, and you wanted to explore your sexuality. And you did, and that's great. But the purpose behind it being casual was to ensure there was distance. To promote individuality rather than dependency. Of course, comfortability is a priority… But I am concerned that, with the constant proximity, things will get confusing for you."

I listen to Dr. Burton and don't interrupt him, even though I really, really want to. He's talking about Cody, I know it. But this isn't like that. I actually liked Cody when I met him. We were in a book club together at the local library, and I turned him down the first few times. I liked seeing him every week, but I wasn't really looking for a relationship.

And then, the avalanche fell. It was only a week after my dad passed that Cody asked me again, knowing full well what had just happened. Hayden says he took advantage of the fact that I was in a vulnerable state. I don't know if that's true. All I do know is that I was tired of saying no and scared of being alone. So, I accepted.

The first year was great, although we moved quickly. Cody was sweet and caring, at least I always thought so. But then, things started to go south. He stopped letting me wear what I wanted, and I couldn't go out unless he came with me. He said he was keeping me safe, and I believed him. I believed him until he stopped letting me come to Criminal Dinner. I made up excuses about not feeling well or being stuck at work, but none of them bought it. They tried to help me, but I was so blinded by Cody, by the idea of staying safe, that I ignored them.

But this thing with Violet isn't going to be anything like that. I'm not going through a traumatic event. The lines aren't going to blur. I have control over it now, my life. I've spent every waking moment since Cody making sure of it.

"Well, what if I come up with something?" I ask. "Like a terms and conditions?"

Dr. Burton quirks a thick brow. "Terms and conditions?"

I nod. "I'm good at following rules," I say. "Mostly. The ones I set for myself, at least. So, what if I make a Terms and Conditions? A contract stating the rules of the agreement, that prohibits the ability for things to escalate?"

Dr. Burton twirls the pen in his hand.

"Cam, I think you are a very smart person," he says, letting out a soft sigh. "If this is something you're comfortable with and something you want to do, then I have no choice but to believe you have thought it through. I know you. I know how carefully you consider things." He pauses. "But with this rule set by the owner and not being able to talk to your friends about it, I'm worried about the toll it's going to take. The stress of burying it."

I hold my breath, letting the words sink into my veins. I thought about that too. It's all I've been thinking about, actually, but it's only something I really need to consider if Violet accepts. And the likelihood of that? I don't think it falls into The Realm.

"I have you." I point out. Dr. Burton chuckles, his head shaking as his dark cheeks turn red.

"That, you do."