Chapter 1

His lips were on mine as he backed me into a quiet corner, only stopping when my I hit the cold concrete pillar. I pulled away from his mouth, giggling because his hand was tickling the back of my knee.

“Henry,” I whispered so close to him, I could feel his breath against my lips. He traced his hand up my leg until it was playing with the hem of my skirt. “Someone could be watching.”

Henry glanced down at my mouth, before rubbing his nose against mine. “Isn’t that why we picked this place? Because no one is going to be looking for us here?

His hand was still on my thigh, sending tingles up my leg, and even though I knew he was right, the idea of anyone catching us with his hand up my skirt make me nervous. It didn’t matter that we’d been meeting under the bleachers for the better part of six months because it was as far away from the hockey team as we could get, I always had this innate fear that my brother or one of his friends would find me.

Henry’s hand skated a little higher up my skirt until he was palming one of my butt cheeks. I squealed backing into the cold, concrete pillar, trapping his hand in between.

“What are you doing?” I asked, clutching onto his shirt like it would help me stand.

He gave my ass cheek a little squeeze and raised his brow. “I don’t know. I just thought that maybe I could take the opportunity to make you feel good.”

“Feel good?” I asked with a high pitched voice. Swallowing down my nerves, I tried to make it look like I wasn’t shaking like a leaf, and cursed myself for ever thinking I was ready or something like this. I might have been talking a big game to my cousin Tiff about wanting to have sex, but now that the opportunity was in front of me, I wasn’t so sure.

Patting Henry on the chest, I looked down just as he kissed my cheek.

“I’m not sure I’m comfortable doing anything back here.”

He slowly dragged his lips down my neck, and I instinctively tipped my head back, letting him leave a trail of kisses behind. Resting my head against the pillar, I closed my eyes, enjoying the tingling feeling it was giving me.

When his hand moved from my ass, I relaxed, until I felt his fingers toying with the waistband of my skirt.

I gasped and my hips bucked forward, which Henry took as a sign that I wanted this. I squealed the tiniest bit because yeah, it all felt nice, but did I want to be known as the girl who got fingered under the bleachers?

Just as one of his fingers tucked under the waistband, I heard footsteps and pushed Henry off me. Standing beside him, looking a little wrecked, I wanted to laugh because he had my lipstick smeared all over his face.

It was obvious what we were doing back here, and when a couple of seniors also looking for a little privacy came into view, I didn’t know what to do.

“Sorry,” I squeaked out and waved. Then inwardly groaned because did I really just do that?

Henry didn’t even bother to look at the couple. He just scuffed his shoes across the concrete, leaving me to do all the talking.

“Are you guys still busy in here?” The girl asked, completely unbothered that she’d interrupted something.

“No. We’re good.” Henry mumbled.

Unfortunately, it was just as I said, “Yes. We’d like some privacy.”

Cringing, I tipped on my toes then pointed with my thumb to the side. “I think the next set of bleachers is free. The last couple that were in there left with a bang a few minutes ago.”

Without another word, the couple walked away, leaving me and Henry standing together. He didn’t move to kiss me again, because apparently, whatever was on his shoe was more interesting.

Pulling his phone out, the smallest of smiles tugged at his lips.

“Who you talking to?” I asked in a desperate attempt to get his focus back on me.

His smile dropped when he glanced up for all of two seconds before he continued texting. “No one. My mom.”

“So which one is it?” I was trying to be funny, but that didn’t seem to help Henry’s sudden change in attitude. He grumbled something, but I couldn’t hear it.

Well, this was awkward.

I didn’t know what to do or where to look because it seemed like Henry suddenly wasn’t interested in talking to me, or even acknowledging my existence.

He sighed out, stuffing his phone back in his pocket and before he could say anything, I wet my lips and stepped toward him, ready to pick up where we left off. He stiffened in what I assumed was surprise when I leaned in to kiss him, and just as my lips were about to touch his, he turned his head, forcing my mouth to drag across his cheek instead.

Tiny wisps of hair grazed against my lips as I slobbered across his cheek.

This couldn’t be happening.

He was doing all he could to keep me away because he didn’t want me to kiss him.

I was trying to be the sexy, cool girl, but failing miserably. So much so, that this was potentially the most embarrassing moment of my life

“What are you doing?”

His brows were crossed and if I hadn’t just been kissing him, I would have thought I saw a little disgust behind his expression.

No more kisses. Even though we were alone.

Why did it feel like in the last few seconds I was being friend zoned?

Maybe I was over-thinking it. I did that a lot, and I’d never had a boyfriend before. Unfurling my arms from him, I backed away, nearly stumbling on my feet as I tried to think of something to say while hopefully calming down enough that my red cheeks weren’t on show.

“I’m sorry, I just thought we weren’t finished.”

His lips remained tight, and it was the first time I thought he looked less than dreamy. With short, dark hair and hazel eyes, Henry was the kind of beautiful I only thought existed on the internet, so I couldn’t believe my luck when he asked me out. Now I was starting to think my luck had run out.

“Hard to get back into it when you’ve been interrupted,” Henry replied curtly.

He was being stand-offish, so I took another step back, not wanting to seem as desperate as I felt.

He was just kissing me, wasn’t he?

“Henry, can we talk?”

Getting his phone out, he took another step away from me. When he saw whoever texted him back, that slight smile grew on his face again and I didn’t know what to do. Was the person on the phone more interesting?

Fiddling with my hands, I wished I could say this was the first time that I was worried over Henry, but it wasn’t. We’d been on shaky ground since we started dating. Well, I should say, I thought it was dating. Tiff didn’t agree and had been suspicious since the first day I mentioned him asking me out. She was the only one that knew I was secretly seeing Henry because he’d asked me to keep it a secret from my brother.

“I’ll have to figure it out later. I’m late for practice.”

My brows came together in confusion because I knew that was a lie. Did he forget that my brother was on the same team?

“Practice? Didn’t your season finish months ago?”

His head shot up, and he shook it vigorously.

“Yeah, but coach wants us to keep up the stretches so we’re still in shape for next season.”

Still texting on his phone, I felt like asking him who was more important than me, but I didn’t because I didn’t want to know the answer.

“That’s new,” I said, doing a pretty crappy job of hiding my annoyance.

“Yeah, Dash has been trying to implement it with the team for a while now. He wants this to be his lasting legacy.”

There was a little spike in my chest at the mere mention of my brother’s best friend, Dash Bridges. The hot senior who I had one of those ‘look but don’t touch’ kind of crushes on. You know the type. You look, but they don’t want you to touch them.

I got it. I was the geeky little sister of his best friend, but I couldn’t help but idolize him. Whenever he came over for dinner with our parents, I’d always try to come across as witty and cute, but no amount of interesting facts would get him to look up from his plate. I’d always have a little soft spot for that guy, but right now, he was inadvertently getting in my way.

“He does love to stretch, I guess,” I said sarcastically, and Henry nodded.

“He also doesn’t like it when we’re late, so I’m sorry to do this, but I’ve got to go.”

I took a sharp breath, masking my disappointment with a smile because Henry didn’t look all that sorry about leaving me.

Henry gave me a peck on the check as he turned to leave. “I’ll speak to you later.”

My knees shook as I watched him walk out, because, for some reason, it felt like the end. I knew it in my heart, I was just hoping seeing him might have changed his mind.

Biting my bottom lip to stop myself from crying, I walked out of the bleachers and squinted when the sunlight covered my face. I pulled my phone out of my pocket, only to see a message from Tiff.

Tiff: Where are you? I thought we were having lunch together.

Shaking my head, I swiped out of her message because I told her this morning that I was meeting Henry. She even gave me that sassy tut of hers because she thinks I’m wasting my time with him.

Tiff and I had plans, and unlike my brother who was a star athlete, the only way we were getting into Covey U or Southern Collegiate was through our grades. Boys shouldn’t have been that much of an interest to me. Especially boys who were on my brother’s team, but I couldn’t help myself, I seemed to be drawn to them.

Without really thinking, I sent a quick message to Henry because the way we ended things didn’t feel right.

Madison: Good to see you today. Hopefully, we can catch up a little more next time.

“Shit,” I whispered to myself, because my text reeked of inexperience and desperation. It wasn’t my fault. I just didn’t know how to act around guys and my behavior was proving that. I stuffed my phone in my pocket, refusing to reread it, knowing that it would only work me up into a bundle of anxiety.

So instead of standing around, I decided to find Tiff and headed to the lunch hall, shaking off all my nerves.

When I opened the door and caught eyes with Tiff, her face lit up.

I wanted to go and join her, but the stark reality of seeing Cade and Dash eating their lunch together with the rest of the team confirmed what I didn’t want to admit.

Henry lied.

He wasn’t with them, and that shouldn’t have been a surprise because I didn’t think they even liked each other, but I was still stunned, confused and a little dejected after my conversation with Henry. Seeing his lie was only making it worse.

Tiff figured I was upset without me having to say a word, and I saw her excuse herself from the table. As she headed straight toward me, I didn’t want our friends seeing how upset I was, so I walked outside. By the time I reached my locker, she had caught up and placed her hand on my shoulder.

“There you are!” Tiff said, pulling me into a side hug. The minute I felt my cousin’s arms around me, the strength that was keeping me together started to crumble.

He left me. He didn’t want me. He never did.

It was pathetic to be thinking like this, but something felt off. Something wasn’t right between me and Henry. Tiff squeezed harder, and when she pulled back, she cupped my cheek and wiped away an errant tear with her thumb. “Not here. Not in the hallway.”

She was right. I didn’t want everyone knowing my business, especially because that meant it would get back to Cade.

“Is this about Henry?” She whispered.

I silently nodded, sucking in a harsh breath. “Yeah, I, uh, don’t think he’s really that into me.”

She sighed, but didn’t say anything. I knew it was because she never thought we were dating in the first place, but I was glad she wasn’t gloating or throwing the fact that she was right in my face.

“We were kissing under the bleachers, and I think we were heading into the territory of doing a little more, but then we got interrupted. After that, he was just on his phone and told me he was too busy to stay.”

With her hand on my arm, Tiff rubbed her thumb against my shirt, giving me a look that dripped with so much sympathy, I wanted to tell her to stop, but I felt too broken to even try.

“Who knows? Maybe he was?” I looked at Tiff with disbelief, surprised that she was standing up for him.

“Uh, he told me he was going to practice but I know that was a lie because he said something about Dash wanting to do pre-stretches.”

“Where’s the lie in that?”

“Dash doesn’t like people on a good day, and I know for a fact, he likes to stretch alone.” I looked down at my shoes, not willing to look at her when I said, “There’s also the fact that Dash and Cade were just in the lunch hall, most definitely not stretching.”

Tiff bit her bottom lip, taking it all in. “Well if he lied, he’s an asshole, and next time I see him in the hall, I’m going to trip him up.”

“No, don’t do that.”

“Why not?”

“Don’t hurt him on my account. If you do, then he’ll know I told you, and that will make things worse.”

“Wait, do you still want to be with him?”

I tried to hide my embarrassed smile because I couldn’t answer that truthfully without sounding desperate. Maybe I was? No one had ever looked at me the way Henry had, and I had this innate fear that no one ever would again.

“I don’t think he’s done anything wrong. I think there’s just some miscommunication going on between us.”

“I don’t think it’s that.”

My mind flitted to every conversation and every kiss we shared, noting something very absent from our interactions. Something that he was trying to rectify right before he got so standoffish.

“Do you think he’s acting weird because I’m a virgin?”

Tiff’s brows crossed. “We’re sixteen. Aren’t we all virgins?”

“I don’t know. I just kind of thought teenage guys like girls that put out, and I’ve not really given him any signals that it’s something I’m interested in.”

“ Are you interested in it?”

“I, I don’t know.”

“Then don’t let your first time be with an idiot who doesn’t know if he wants to be with you or not.” Her words sounded simple, and I knew logically that was how I should feel, but for some reason, I just didn’t.

I looked down to the floor, studying my spotless Mary Janes again. It was the only reason I could think for why Henry would have suddenly left me.

I did say I didn’t want to do anything in the bleachers. Did he take it that I didn’t want to do anything at all?

Biting my bottom lip, I gained up enough courage to say, “It’s not like that. It’s just, after six months, we haven’t gotten past kissing.”

Tiff stepped back to take me in fully. “You’re not serious, are you?”

“Uh.”

Raising her hand, she stopped me from saying anything else. “You’re telling me that you're considering losing your virginity to a guy that seems more interested in Dash’s foam roller than you because you’ve only made out with him?”

I shrugged because, when she put it like that, it made me feel small. I rolled my shoulders, looking down the hall toward the front doors, fully expecting Henry to walk through them and wrap me in his arms, telling me he was in a bad mood and that he was sorry. Then he’d kiss me in front of everyone.

But then I frowned because that would never happen. We’d have to actually tell people we were dating but that wasn’t something he was even willing to entertain. He’d shown no interest in seeing me past our weekly bleachers meet up.

Sneaking around and trying to hide our relationship from my brother sounded fun at first, but it was starting to complicate things.

“That's not the only reason I want to lose my virginity. In two weeks, it's the start of summer vacation and we'll be heading into our junior year. I don't want to be left behind.”

“And who exactly are you leaving behind? I've not had sex,” She said, tilting her nose up, and clutching onto her textbooks like they were her lifeline. Tiff was my best friend. Always had been since we were little, but my goodness, she had no idea how to have a good time. At the start of high school, I was right along with her. I had buck teeth and resembled a bean pole back then. It was only after my braces came off, and my mom took me to get highlights that I started to yearn for a life outside of studying.

I hated to say it, but I changed, and along with that, things changed between Tiff and me. We wanted different things. I wanted to date, and kiss boys. She seemed more interested in reading the next chapter of her latest fantasy book, and that was fine, but it made it hard for us to relate.

“It's different when you don't want it.” I didn't know what else to say. I looked in both directions, making sure everything was clear. “The thing is, I think he's worried I'm not ready.”

“If you're not, then don't let him force you into it.”

I shook my head. “He wouldn’t be forcing me into anything. I think I'm ready, too. It’s just never been the right time to talk about it with him. We’re usually too busy making out.”

“Pfft,” She pushed out, stopping herself from laughing. “Do you even like Henry that much? No offense, but whenever you're in public, you completely ignore each other.”

“That's because he wants to keep it a secret.”

“From who? Cade?”

I winced as I nodded. The mere mention of my brother's name had the uncanny ability to sour the mood.

“Not just him. It's the entire hockey team. He doesn't want any of them thinking he's dating me to try to get into the popular hockey crowd.”

Tiff stared at me with wide eyes, silently assessing me.

“Are you serious?”

“Yeah?” I looked around; the hallway was quiet as most people had headed to the hall for lunch. “What?” I said so loudly that the noise reverberated against the lockers.

“Do you seriously believe that? Because Madison for a girl that is so smart, I can't help but feel like you're so dumb sometimes.”

“What are you talking about?”

“It's been six months. He doesn't want to be seen with you in public, he doesn't want to tell anyone about you, he only makes out with you under the bleachers. Do you guys even talk?”

I bounced on my toes, a little unsure of how to respond. Tiff really did know how to cut me down when she wanted to.

“It's because-”

“Because. Because. Because. I hear you giving him a lot of excuses for what I'd say is pretty shitty behavior.”

“It’s just, what if it’s me?”

“What do you mean?”

“What if it’s because I’m clingy and insecure and have been pushing him too much?”

“You see him alone under the bleachers once a week. I wouldn’t say you’re pushy,” She snorted out a laugh, but it was no comfort to me. I still felt like I was doing wrong and that I could fix him.

I tried to smile, but it dropped quickly, and when I took a breath that somehow inadvertently turned into one of those sniffle cries.

Crap. I was this close to crying in the hallway about a secret boyfriend, and it was starting to feel pathetic.

“Hey, Mads. If that idiot doesn’t want you because you haven’t offered yourself up to him yet, then he’s an asshole and doesn’t deserve you.”

She wrapped her arm around my shoulder, pulling me in as we walked down the hallway. I kept my head down, not wanting to draw attention to myself. Not that I ever did.

“You’re fantastic, and one day you’ll find someone that deserves you. Someone that is so obsessed with you that they’ll burn down cities just to see you smile.”

“I’d settle for a guy that would just tell people he likes me.”

“You’ll get that. I promise. Now come on, let’s go to the bathroom and touch up your make up.”

I nodded, still not sure what to do or where I stood with Henry, but not feeling confident enough to go out there and ask him outright.

Mainly because I was worried about the answer.