38. Sydney

CHAPTER 38

SYDNEY

My car creeps along the dark Chicago streets, my mind too numb to pay attention to anything but the exhaustion seeping into my bones.

What was I thinking, going to that game? Stupid, Syd.

So stupid to put myself through that, sitting in the shadows, heart racing every time DJ or Tyler skated by, terrified they might somehow sense my presence. But how can I do my job if I stay away?

Tomas and Jason and Mikey deserve better, someone who can really be there for them, not drowning in heartache…

I stumble through the door, kicking off my sneakers with a groan. The little voicemail icon blinks on my phone screen accusingly. Damn it, I must have forgotten to turn the ringer back on after the game .

I flop onto the couch and reluctantly press play, closing my eyes.

"Hey Syd, it's me. Listen, I know things have been...complicated between us. But Tyler and I really need to talk to you. Can you make some time tomorrow? We miss you." DJ's velvety voice wraps around me, tugging at something deep in my chest.

I toss the phone onto the cushion with a sigh. Will they ever stop wanting me? More importantly, will I ever stop wanting them?

I can still picture it so vividly—DJ's sparkling eyes and Tyler's crooked grin, their hands reaching for me. The memories twist like a knife.

The idea of seeing them again is so tempting. But nothing has changed, and facing their disappointment in person...I'm not sure my fragile heart can take it. DJ and Tyler are too good, too bright and beautiful.

I'll only drag them down.

No, better to hide away, nurse my wounds in private. Even if it's torture. Even if it means never experiencing the electric feel of their touch on my skin again.

I grit my teeth and tell myself that somehow I'll be able to keep doing everything I need to do—stay away from DJ and Tyler, be there for Tomas and Jason and Mikey, the rest of the team.

Piece of cake.

But the bone-deep exhaustion I'm feeling makes it hard to believe my own little pep talk.

I stare up at the shadows dancing on my bedroom ceiling, my mind spiraling in endless circles. I've been tossing and turning all night, the sheets tangled around my sweaty limbs. Finally, as the first pale streaks of dawn creep through the window, I sit up with a heavy sigh, resigned to being awake.

My heart feels like a stone in my chest as the realization settles over me.

I can't do this anymore .

DJ and Tyler are under my skin, haunting my every waking thought. The magnetic pull to fall back into their arms is a constant, irresistible force, but I know it would be a disaster for the team, for my ability to do my job.

What if I'm so distracted mooning over those two that I miss something critical with Tomas' recovery? Or screw up Jason's treatment plan because my mind is in the gutter instead of focused on being the kick-ass trainer I know I can be?

I'd never forgive myself.

Rubbing my hands over my face, I let out a shaky breath. There's only one solution, as much as it guts me to even think it.

I have to resign from the Blizzards.

Walk away from the team that's become my family. Find a colleague who can step in and give the guys the undivided support they deserve, without the...complications of wanting to bang two of the star players.

"Shit," I mutter, the word bitter on my tongue.

Swinging my legs over the side of the bed, I stumble to my closet to start getting ready, my actions stiff and mechanical. I swipe on some concealer to hide the dark circles under my eyes and pull my hair into a sleek bun.

Padding into the kitchen, I start the coffee maker and lean against the counter, staring unseeingly at the backsplash tiles. In my head, I rehearse what I'm going to say to Vincent.

"You know I love this team. Working with the Blizzards has been a dream come true and I can't express how much I appreciate the opportunity. But I'm just not in a headspace to give the guys my full focus right now, and they deserve better. I think it's best if I step back..."

I suck in a sharp breath, the thought of leaving DJ and Tyler behind almost incomprehensible. But even as tears prick behind my eyes, a strange sense of calm settles over me.

I know, deep down, that this is the right decision.

The only way to untangle the mess I've made and do right by the team. I just hope the guys can forgive me, someday .

With a fortifying sip of coffee, I square my shoulders and head for the door, my future unwritten and my heart already aching with loss.

I swipe at my eyes with the back of my hand, trying to clear the blurry film of tears as I pack up the last of my things in the tiny office that had become my refuge. The resignation had been even harder to deliver than I'd imagined, and I can't quite believe this is goodbye.

A knock at the door makes me jump. I look up to see Coach Daniels filling the doorway, his broad shoulders nearly brushing the frame.

"Hey Syd, you got a sec?" His deep voice is gentle, concerned.

I nod, quickly wiping my eyes again. "Yeah, of course. Come on in."

He steps inside but doesn't sit, shoving his hands in his pockets as he studies me. "I just wanted to say, well, that you've been incredible for the team. The progress you made with Tomas and Jason... I've never seen anything like it. They're like new men out there."

I try to smile but it comes out more like a grimace. "Thanks Coach. That means a lot coming from you."

"I mean it, Syd. You have a true gift. It kills me that we're losing you." He shakes his head. "And I hope you know that what happened with Mikey, that's not on you. The kid's got his own demons to battle."

I nod automatically, but inside a voice whispers that he's wrong, that I failed Mikey when he needed me most.

If I had just paid more attention, been there for him more...

"Well, I appreciate you saying that," I say, carefully placing a framed photo of me and Selena as children in the box of my belongings. "But I should probably get going..."

Coach holds up his hand. "I get it. But promise me you won't be a stranger, okay? My door is always open if you need anything. I mean that."

Tears sting my eyes again at his kindness. I manage a real smile this time. "Thanks Coach. For everything."

We shake hands and then he's gone, leaving me alone once more. I look around the barren office a final time, a heaviness settling in my chest. Then I grab my box and walk out, the click of the lock sounding with depressing finality.

Outside, I stop and take one last look up at the arena, weighed down with regret and sorrow. I failed here, failed the team and Mikey and myself. As I turn and trudge off into the weak winter sun, I feel utterly lost.

What do I do now?

When I arrive home all I want to do is collapse into bed and pull the covers over my head, but as soon as I open the door Selena's voice cuts through the silence.

"Oh no you don't, missy. We're going for a walk."

She's lounging on the couch in yoga pants and a T-shirt but jumps up as soon as she sees me, grabbing my arm.

I groan. "Selena, please, I just want to go lay down?—"

"Nope. Emma called me, told me what happened. We're getting out of this house." Selena grabs her purse and two iced coffees from the kitchen counter, shoving one into my hand. "Let's go."

I sigh but reluctantly follow her out the door, sipping my coffee. As we meander down the street, couples stroll hand-in-hand, groups of friends laugh together on patios. Everyone seems so carefree and happy.

Must be nice.

"I know you're upset about resigning, but Syd, you are smart and amazing and talented," Selena says gently, looping her arm through mine. "One bad season, one jerk of an ex, doesn't change that. You'll get through this."

"Will I though?" I mutter glumly. "Feels like everything is falling apart."

"Hey." Selena stops walking and turns to face me. "You are Sydney freaking Nelson. My brilliant sister, the talented addiction specialist, the strongest person I know. You've overcome so much already. This is just a bump in the road."

I manage a small smile at her words. Selena always knows what to say to make me feel better, even just a little. I may have resigned in disgrace, torpedoed my own career...but at least I still have my sister by my side. Her unfailing support means everything.

We continue walking as the cool breeze ruffles our hair. I'm still reeling, my professional future as shaky as my legs in these worn-out sneakers. But Selena's right about one thing, at least—I can't let myself spiral.

I have to pick myself back up somehow.

I loop my arm tighter through hers as we turn the corner. The future terrifies me...but for now, I'll face it one step at a time, with my sister at my side and an iced coffee in my hand.

It's a start.