Chapter 19

Chapter Nineteen

Dear Sean,

Last night was bad. Every time I close my eyes, I see him. Andrew. It's as if his hold on me is never going to end. I don't know how to make it stop. If I could just make the images go away, I'd be able to sleep. I'd be able to move on.

I went to Luke's game last night. You would have loved it. I wish you were here to see how successful he is. I pictured you on the ice with him, and then I blinked and you were gone.

Why can't you be here? None of this would be happening if you had just stayed. It's been four years, Sean. I'm supposed to be over losing you. It's been long enough, but right now, I could really use a hug from my big brother. I need you, Sean, and you're not here.

I worry that I'm too much for Luke, that my issues are going to drive him away. Of course, he won't admit that. He seems to think everything will be fine. But it's not fine. It's probably never going to be fine again.

I had my face on the jumbotron last night. Remember when I used to love when that happened? Yeah, not so much anymore. Last night, I wanted to erase it. I wanted to not be there. I'm worried that Andrew somehow saw it. That he's going to know exactly where I am and he's going to come for me. I don't want him to find me. I can't go back to the way things were. I'd rather be with you.

I don't know what to do. I don't even know if writing these letters to you is helping. I'm sitting here, in a corner of some random living room that nobody uses, with tears running down my face.

Until next time,

Montana

I close the journal and swipe at my cheeks. I'm angry that I let myself get this upset. I'm tired and frustrated that I can't just get over it. I want to close the door of that chapter of my life, but it's as if there's a wedge in it. Something keeping it open. I want it to be done. I need it to be done. I'm not strong enough to do this.

I push myself up from the floor and walk out of the little hiding spot I found. I need to wash my face before I let Luke see me. So I make my way into one of the many powder rooms he has in this gigantic house. Turn on the cold water and splash my face. Then I glance up at my reflection in the mirror. I'm starting to look like the old me, the me I was before Andrew. Well, besides the bags under my eyes.

I can do this. I need to do this.

I shut off the water, count to six in my head, and then go in search of Luke. It doesn't take me long to find him. He's in the kitchen, making lunch.

"I'm starting to think you have a food fetish," I tell him while placing my journal on the counter. Luke eyes the little notebook but doesn't say anything. I'm not worried about him reading it. I know he won't.

"I like to eat. And you need to eat." He points a spatula at me.

"What are you making?"

"Tacos. Everything is already on the table, and this…" He picks up a frying pan and empties the meat into a serving dish. "...is done. So, let's eat."

I follow Luke over to the adjoining dining room and see that the table is full of every ingredient you could possibly imagine for tacos. "This looks amazing."

"Thanks. Now eat up, buttercup." He grins.

"Buttercup?" I raise an eyebrow at him. That's a new one.

"I'm trying on some pet names. I'll let you know when I find one that suits you."

"I think Tanna suits me just fine." Luke and Sean are the only ones who ever called me that. Everyone else always called me Montana.

"Okay, we'll stick with Tanna." Luke nods as he piles up his taco shell. "I have an away game. We're leaving tomorrow."

My heart starts pounding in my chest and I do everything I can to hide my panic. He's leaving again. I know he has to, but that doesn't mean I want him to go. I need him, which isn't his problem. It's mine.

"Okay, I'll be fine," I tell him, not believing for an instant that I will be.

"I'm taking you with me, Tanna. Aliyah and Liliana are coming too," Luke says.

"You want me to come with you?" I set my food down and turn to look at him.

"I always want you with me."

"But why? I mean, won't I just be a distraction? You almost walked out of a game last night because of me, Luke. I don't want to be the reason you throw your career away."

"You are not a distraction, and my career is just fine. I still have a good ten years left, and I'm not spending them leaving you behind."

"Where will we stay?" I ask.

"The team books hotels. They block off the entire floor. There'll be security. But if it makes you feel better, I can arrange for private security too," he says .

"No, you don't have to do that."

"It'll be fun. Our first trip away together."

My brows draw down. "Did you get hit on the head a little hard last night? We've been away together a ton of times. Every summer as kids, if I remember correctly."

"But we weren't dating back then. I didn't get to sleep with you in my arms back then."

"Are we dating?" I'm confused. Luke hasn't even tried to kiss me since that one time he gave me the best orgasm of my life. Actually, come to think of it, he didn't kiss me then either. At least not on my lips…

I can feel myself blushing at the memory.

"Is that what you want? To be dating?" Luke asks, his eyes assessing my face for any sign of… I don't know what.

"I… But we don't… You don't…" I can't get the words out. If he's under the impression that we're dating, why hasn't he tried to kiss me? It just doesn't make sense to me.

"I'm not going to pressure you or do anything you're not ready to do, Tanna. The ball is in your court. When you're ready to take our relationship further, that's when we will. Until then, I'll wait. As long as it takes," he says. "There is no rush. "

The ball's in my court.

I jump out of my seat and lean over the corner of the table. Take his face in my hands and do something reckless. Something I've dreamt of doing since I started crushing on my brother's best friend as a kid. I slam my mouth down on his.

Luke recovers from his shock quickly. His hands cup the back of my head and his tongue pushes through my lips, circling around. He groans as he stands, effortlessly picks me up, and sits me on top of the table without breaking the kiss. He steps between my parted legs. My arms snake around his neck.

I want this. I need this. And it's okay to want it.

I've been talking to Dr. West about my attraction to Luke this week. At first, I thought I was leaning on him because I wanted him to help me. It was through talking with Dr. West that I realized that's not true. I've always wanted to be with Luke. This isn't a new feeling. It's just one I'm finally embracing without all the guilt that usually follows it.