Chapter 11

Chapter Eleven

I 've read Luke's message more times than I'd ever admit.

The only girl I want waiting for me is you.

What the hell am I supposed to make of that? I don't want to think too much into it and make it a thing that it's more than likely not. I know he's told me he loves me. I get that years ago he might have wanted to be more than friends. But now? I don't think that's the kind of love he still has for me. I mean, how could he? I'm nothing but a broken mess.

I'm not good for him. Hell, I'm not even good for myself right now. I've thought about leaving over and over again over the last two days. I know that if I go back now, I could make things right with Andrew again. He's probably not looking for me yet, which means he wouldn't know that I'm not home.

I also know that if I go back, the cycle is never going to end. I can't fix him. I can't help him. I don't even know if I want to anymore. What I do know is that I'm tired. I'm over being scared of my own shadow, but I don't know how else to be.

When I logged in to my online profile and saw that I was still enrolled in my classes, I did what Luke suggested and changed all of my passwords, including those for my emails and social accounts. Not that I post, ever. I use them for stalking purposes only. Following Luke has been one of my guilty pleasures.

I don't want to go back. That's the conclusion I've come to. It's not that I ever really wanted to go back in the first place. I just didn't have other options. And I was too afraid to leave. I still am. I have no idea what Andrew is going to do once he realizes I'm not home and have no intention of returning.

I should let Luke send people to pack up my things. The only reason I haven't is my reluctance to get him any more involved in my mess. I wouldn't be able to forgive myself if something happened to him because he was trying to help me.

"Penny for your thoughts?" Aliyah asks, while nudging my shoulder.

"Huh?"

"You're off either fantasizing about something or someone… or plotting the demise of the world? Which is it?" She plucks the bottle of wine from the table and refills both of our glasses.

"Oh, um, I don't know."

"You know I'm not going to pry, and I won't ever ask you to tell me your story if you don't want to tell it. But, if you do want to talk about anything, I'm here to listen. Without judgment," Aliyah says, watching me carefully, as if she's afraid I might run off in the opposite direction.

"Thank you. I do appreciate the fact you haven't asked. I mean, it's kind of obvious." I gesture to my face. "But I, um, I don't think I want to talk about it."

"Then we won't. We'll drink while watching our men skate around on a giant block of ice and knock into each other. Fifty bucks says my brother will get into a fight with someone within the first period." She laughs.

"He does like to throw gloves." I smile.

"Oh my god, you're one of them, aren't you?" Aliyah points at me. "You're an actual hockey fan."

"I… ah… I watch the highlights mostly." I shrug a shoulder. "I used to go to the games. When Sean and Luke played in high school and college, I went to all their games."

"Did you wear Luke's number then too?" Aliyah waggles her eyebrows up and down.

"No." I shake my head. "My brother would have thrown a fit and tore it off me." I laugh. "He was overprotective like that."

"What happened to him? Luke never talks about it. Just mentioned that he passed."

"He… um…" I look down at Aliyah's wrist and spot the long scar that runs along her skin. I don't know if talking about what Sean did is good for her.

She follows my line of sight and offers me a tight smile. "I didn't do this to myself," she says, tracing a finger along the jagged scar. "My mother did. She had some… issues. Mostly with me."

"I'm so sorry." I take a deep breath. "My brother did do it to himself. We didn't even know he was struggling. It was just like one day he was here, and the next he wasn't. He left us."

"I'm sorry. That's really shitty."

"It is." I grab the wineglass and down the contents. I don't really ever talk about Sean. I've talked about him more this past week than I have in the last four years. It's easier to lock that pain away, somewhere deep, and not let it out.

"Oh, here they come!" Aliyah squeals, drawing my attention to the television screen.

"Are you a hockey fan too?"

"I'm a Liam King fan," she says, waving her left hand and showing off the huge shiny rock on her finger. "I actually don't like skating. I have a fear of blades and blood."

"And you own a hockey team?"

"My dad owns a hockey team. I just own one of his players." She gestures to the screen again.

As the Knights skate out onto the ice, an excitement I haven't felt in a long time builds within me. It could be the wine, but I think it has more to do with watching Luke play. I had Sean convinced I went to his games to watch him and to be the supportive sister I was. Really, I just wanted to see Luke. He moves on the ice with such a strange mixture of grace and brutality. It's mesmerizing.

"I love that we can watch the whole game," I say.

"Why didn't you watch whole games?" Aliyah asks.

"I wasn't allowed." I admit before quickly slamming my mouth shut. "I… ah… I didn't… I…"

"It's okay. You don't need to explain anything to me, Montana." She holds up the bottle, hovering the tip over my glass. "More wine?"

I nod my head, thankful for her understanding and the fact that she doesn't pry. I grab my full glass and raise it to my lips again.

"You'll have to come to a game at The Castle. They're epic. The crowd really comes out for our guys."

"Maybe." I shrug, refusing to commit to anything.

As the game plays out on the screen in front of us, I realize that something's most definitely wrong with Luke. He always plays hard, but tonight he seems off. He's being a lot more vicious. Rougher. He's been pulled off two guys already, and Grayson doesn't appear to want to leave his side.

"Something's wrong," I say aloud this time.

"Yep. I agree." Aliyah picks up her phone. I want to ask her who she's calling but I also don't want to be rude. "Dad, what's up with Jameson?" she questions as soon as the person on the other end answers.

I don't hear Mr. Monroe's response. Aliyah just nods her head.

"Well, tell him that he's making his girl worry. So clean it up," she says and then hangs up.

"Oh my god. No! I don't want to cause trouble for Luke," I tell her.

"That's not causing trouble—trust me. Luke's position on the Knights is locked in."

"I'm also not his girl," I attempt to clarify.

"Yeah, you are. You do know he has your name inked on his body, right?"

"We're friends."

"Yeah, ?cause I go around and get tattoos for all my friends ." Aliyah laughs.

"It's not like that." I can feel my face heating up.

"But you want it to be like that , don't you?" She raises a perfectly manicured brow in challenge.

"I… I'm not in the right headspace to start a relationship with anyone," I tell her instead of answering.

"I know a lot of people would tell you to take your time, heal yourself, make sure your brain is right and cleared of all that bullshit… But if Luke makes you happy, don't deny yourself because of what anyone else says or thinks. Because of what society tells you is the standard. You do what feels right for you."

"I'm not sure I can trust my feelings right now…"