16. Chapter 16

16

I had a feeling it was coming to an end, but all good things do.

The words followed Quinn around. They bothered him. He could hear how Zane had delivered them in his head, on a sigh as if it were beneath him.

Like it was meaningless fun.

Quinn's heart hurt.

He told Mars because sometimes honesty came from his bad-tempered companion, and the slow blink, swinging tail and the judging look were exactly what Quinn needed.

He was upset that Zane had dismissed them so easily when he should've been cursing himself out for what happened in the cell. He should never have gone down there, and he promised himself he wouldn't again. No matter how much temptation pulled at him, he would resist being alone and in a confined space with Zane.

The study had reached its final leg. There was one more interview, and then Quinn would know who was suitable for the MRI scanner and who wasn't.

He had saved the most difficult session for last, discussing the crimes that got them locked up in Greenwood.

Quinn knew it was going to be a hard week, but he hadn't prepared himself for how emotionally taxing it would be to hear the crimes from the mouths of the six prisoners he'd got to know over the last six months.

He'd desensitised himself, skipped over the violence that defined each man in front of him, but the crimes, and the participants' reactions to it, were vital when looking for the psychopath amongst the regular killers.

Harris went first.

He had killed four prostitutes and showed a distinct lack of remorse.

All the victims were young women, attractive, and he'd chosen them based on how much they charged him. He didn't kill the more expensive girls, but the cheaper ones, telling Quinn if they hadn't valued their bodies so little, he would've let them live.

He recounted the killings as if speaking of the vague plot of a movie he'd grown weary of. There were no surprises, and Quinn blamed that for lulling him into a false sense of security. Tony and Richard, equally, didn't unnerve Quinn in the way they perhaps should have, but then came Noah.

The young man with the jet-black hair obscuring his eyes, with the eyeliner and painted nails. He'd bragged about his poisoned punch ‘flooring people' in one of their early sessions but hadn't strayed near the topic again since then. Quinn had assumed he'd been dying for the moment to tell him all about it like Tony and Richard, but getting Noah into the room in the first place came as an unexpected challenge.

Noah stood in the doorway on his side of the room for a long time. Quinn smiled at him warmly, but it didn't encourage him closer. Cleo was there too, squeezing Noah's shoulder.

"We're going to talk about what happened that night, aren't we?" he asked.

Quinn only just heard him and leaned into his mic. "Yes, but only if that's okay with you."

Noah brushed Cleo's hand off and stepped inside. He approached, tugging at the sleeves of his sweatshirt. When he sat down, he hid his hands beneath the table, but Quinn could tell he continued to pull his sleeves from the twitch of cotton over his arms.

Noah's eyes were red, and he sniffed like he'd recently been crying.

"We don't have to," Quinn said, sliding his folder away.

"I want to," Noah mumbled. "Where…where should I start?"

"You saw your school bullies, Darren, Tom, Josh, and Andrew, a few days before…"

Noah nodded. "I was on the bus, sat at the back, and they got on. At first, they didn't recognise me—they were standing at the front—but then one of them did, and he pointed me out to the others. They all started laughing and moved down the bus, and I was…"

"You were?"

"Scared. I'd been having a good day." He hung his head. "I'd finished work, and I'd bought myself a few bits. A new eyeliner and some nail polish. I wasn't expecting them to suddenly be there. I'd not seen them for years—not like that—but there they were, the four of them, and they surrounded me."

"There was CCTV footage from the bus."

Noah nodded. "They were name-calling and pushing me, and they stole my bag. They broke my eyeliner, and one of them, I think it was Tom, took my nail polish, and just… they were probably only on the bus fifteen minutes or so, then they got off at the next stop, but…it's hard to explain."

Quinn gave him a small smile. "If you can't explain it to me, it's okay."

"If you've been bullied, relentlessly like I was at school after Mr Hawk left, you dream of never having to see your bullies again. Every day you go to school, and they're there, but you expect them to be, so you go numb, but that day on the bus, I hadn't been expecting it. I felt like I did the first time. It didn't matter that those years had passed, or that I had a job, and my own life, and I'd found things to enjoy again. Seeing them took me back to that miserable place, and I realised that was never going to change. It would always happen when I saw them unless I did something about it."

"Darren was hosting a house party on September 7. How did you know about it?"

"It was on social media, friends of friends. I knew."

"And you knew where Darren lived?"

Noah nodded. "I'd been there before. I'd watched him."

"When?"

"The year before, maybe."

"Just the once?"

Noah looked down at the table. He shook his head.

"How many times?"

"Maybe five."

"Why? Those five times, what were you planning?"

Noah snapped his head up. "Nothing. I swear. I didn't…I wasn't. Seeing him, knowing he couldn't see me, it gave me some kind of satisfaction." He shrugged. "I can't explain it; I guess it felt like I was invading his life, a presence in it that he wasn't aware of, and that made me feel like…"

Quinn had his pencil poised on the paper. "You had some kind of power over him?"

"Yeah."

"But that night. September 7, watching from afar wasn't enough?"

"He'd cornered me on the bus. He'd broken my eyeliner. He was having a party with all his friends, and I didn't want him to have power over me anymore. I didn't want to fear bumping into him or the others."

Quinn looked over his notes. "You came to the party with rat poison and sulphuric acid in your bag."

Noah nodded. "Someone else opened the door. Someone who didn't know me from school. One of Darren's university friends. He welcomed me inside, even gave me a hug. It was all very surreal."

"Where was Darren?"

"He was outside. There was a table set up with bottles of alcohol and crisps and plastic cups, and there was a bowl of orange punch. It smelled so strongly of mangos and pineapples it made my eyes water. The guy that welcomed me inside poured me some, said he'd made it, and he was so happy." Noah took a deep breath. "He had his arm around my shoulders, and he was grinning at me." He held up his hand. "I had black nail varnish on, and he said it suited me."

"Did you try the punch?" Quinn asked.

"It was good, then I heard Darren, Tom, Josh and Andrew outside. I asked the guy whether they'd been drinking the punch, and he said they loved it. He'd made a second lot because they'd drunk the first, and I knew…I knew what I was going to do."

"Sulphuric acid and rat poison."

Noah bit his lip. "I tried a bit. Just the tip of my finger, and…I couldn't taste any difference, not really. Darren spotted me. He kicked me out, told his new friends I was pedo prey and a freak. The guy that welcomed me inside told Darren he was being a dick."

"He was one of the victims, wasn't he?" Quinn asked. "The guy that was nice to you."

"Yes. I should've seen that coming. It was his punch, but I…I didn't think. I wasn't thinking."

"Did you go there that night with the sole purpose of killing Darren and his friends?"

Noah shook his head. "I wanted to hurt them. I wanted them to hurt, but I didn't want them to die."

"You put rat poison and sulphuric acid into their drinks."

"Ingestion of both is survivable if you seek medical treatment—"

"Noah. It's not if you have both. It's not if you're too intoxicated to know something is wrong."

"I wanted to hurt them."

"I don't… I don't blame you for feeling like that…"

An ugly voice spoke in Quinn's ear, saying Darren deserved to be hurt for bullying Noah, that he deserved what happened to him—it was karma. Quinn shut the voice down, condemned it in his own mind. It wasn't true. None of the victims, including Darren, deserved that death.

"Why…why those chemicals?" Quinn asked.

"They were readily available to me at work. I didn't have to buy them, and I wasn't planning on using both, but the opportunity presented itself, and I took it, and the next morning, I walked by the house, and it was quiet. I walked by later, and there were ambulances, and cars pulling up, and people crying. I stayed to see the first body bag."

Noah's voice shook. Fresh tears filled his eyes.

"Do you regret what you did?"

"Every day. If I could go back, Quinn, I would. But I can't, and there's nothing I can do to make things better. I hope…"

"Hope?"

"They didn't suffer, but I know that's wishful thinking. I wanted to hurt them, I didn't want to kill them, I didn't think things through."

A tear streaked down, smudging Noah's eyeliner.

"I think about killing myself every day."

"Noah…"

"But it's true, and it wouldn't be hard. I killed six people. Only two of them, Darren and Josh, were people that I knew, that had hurt me, and even so…I didn't mean for them to die, but they did. Do you know what it feels like to be eaten alive by guilt? To drown in your own self-hatred? I'm not after pity, Quinn. I'm not after anything. I exist because I'm too afraid to die."

"Afraid?"

"I'll be punished." He glanced around the room. "This isn't punishment; it's elongating my final breath."

"Who do you think will punish you?"

"I don't know what happens when we die, but there's got to be some kind of comeuppance for our actions in life. There has to be. We need to be held accountable, no matter who we are."

Quinn pushed aside his notes. "Why did you volunteer for this study?"

"Mackie said you were looking for monsters, and that's what I am. A monster. I thought I might be of some use to you."

"You threatened to poison Mackie after he hurt me."

"And I meant it."

"Did you not learn—"

"I wouldn't have killed him, Quinn, just dropped some mould in his sandwich or something. He hurt you. We all agreed to this study, and I took the consent forms seriously. So did Harris, Virgil, Tony, and Richard… I'm not sure about Zane." Noah frowned. "I agreed to show you respect and never raise my hand to you." He held up his hand. "Other than to show off my nails."

Noah wore a shiny maroon.

"I like the colour."

"I'm getting ready for autumn."

Quinn looked over his notes, wondering whether to ask the next question on his list.

Noah noticed and nodded.

"If you could speak to your victims' friends and family, what would you say?"

"How sorry I am. That I didn't mean what I did, and it was a stupid mistake." He shrugged. "There's nothing I could say that would help. My reasons for hating Darren came out at the trial, but his lawyer was right, that wasn't an excuse for what I did, never could be. I take full responsibly for what I did, and I know I'm never getting out of here."

Noah wiped his eyes. Black smears covered the back of his hands. "We're the same age again," he said. "Twenty-four."

"I didn't realise you had your birthday."

Noah waved a dismissive hand. "It was a week ago. Did…"

"Go on?"

"Did you have good parents?"

"Yes. My mum is still alive, but my dad passed away."

"And friends at school?"

"I was never popular, but I had a few good friends."

Noah nodded. "You went to university?"

"Yes, and studied psychology."

"Was it fun?"

"It was."

Noah smiled. "Do you think…"

"Do I think?"

"If we'd walked in each other's shoes from the beginning, we'd have turned out the same? I would've gone to university, and you would've ended up here, and it would have been me that side of the glass and you over here, and I'd be asking you why you killed a load of people."

"I don't know," Quinn admitted softly. "Maybe."

Noah's smile grew bigger. "Yeah?"

"Who knows… Does that…does that make you feel better?"

"It doesn't take away from what I did. I can't blame my parents or the bullies. My bad decisions led to that moment, but maybe there was a time when I wasn't a monster, when I was a good person." He swallowed. "I know I was, and Mr Hawk knew it too. He might see me as a monster now like everyone else, but I know there was a time he didn't, and that's the only piece of happiness I'll allow myself. No one's born a monster, right, Doctor Quinn?"

"I don't believe so."

Noah slumped in his seat. He exhaled like he was exhausted, then repeated, "No one's born a monster."

The next day, when faced with Virgil's crimes, Quinn started to doubt whether that was true.