5. Chapter Five

Chapter Five

Mackenzie

I need to scream. To yell. To rip my soul from my body and fly away to a world that can’t hurt me anymore. Another cramp shreds its way through my abdomen and lower back and I can’t hold back. I throw my crutch across the room, where it lands with a loud clatter, knocking the glass of water from the coffee table.

Is this my punishment for all the shitty decisions I’ve made? If it is, it’s a fucking extreme punishment. I fall in a heap to the floor, the pain from my thigh sharp, but nowhere near as bad as the cramps.

Mom rushes down the stairs just as the living room window smashes and Aleko rolls onto the floor among the broken glass. Everything is crashing around me, falling apart, and I’m a fucking idiot for thinking that being on my own was the way forward.

I asked him to stay away, to give me space, but it’s as if he knows me to my very core and can anticipate my needs before I can. Seeing him on the doorstep lifted a weight I’d been carrying, hearing him apologize and profess his love gave me a warmth I desperately needed, and now he’s here and I don’t have it in me to send him away again.

My knees give out as another cramp tears through my abdomen and I curl in on myself. Within seconds, Aleko’s arms are wrapped around me as he sits behind me and lifts me into his lap, cradling my head close to his chest. The sound of his heartbeat inside his body is the last straw though. I’ve refused to acknowledge what my instincts are screaming at me, but hearing his heartbeat forces me to acknowledge the single heart beating within my own body. A huge lump bubbles up from my core and the dam bursts. I curl further into Aleko and take what comfort I can from his closeness.

“Shh. I’m here, Cherry, I’m here.” He speaks into my hair, his hold on me so firm, I never want him to let go.

“Darlin’, I think you need to go to the hospital.” Mom’s voice is soft, calm, and while I’m surprised that she’s not freaking out, it’s not really my priority. Everything sounds as though I’m underwater, echoing, muffled, and barely there.

“Can’t,” I manage quietly between sobs. I’m legally dead, as dead as the baby inside me, and it’s all my fault.

“Darlene, can you call Spencer?” Aleko’s firm tone is the complete opposite of mine, but it’s helpful.

Aleko calms me, centers me. A lot of the stress from the last few months has been self-inflicted, born from my poorly thought through decisions. Time away from this man is exactly what I don’t need. Even when I push him away, he’s there.

“Sure.”

Time seems to fade away, along with everything else other than the pain. Both physically and emotionally, I’m drained, I’m broken, I’m useless.

The only thing keeping me here is the man holding me so tightly I can barely breathe. This, combined with the way he’s stroking my hair and the soothing tones of his voice whispering in my ear are like a comfort I’ve never known.

“Oh fuck, babe. I’m so sorry.” Spencer manages to break through my fog, and as he moves closer, I can feel Aleko’s growl through his chest. “I get it, big guy, but I need to examine her, okay?” Spencer talks as though he’s calming an angry lion and I turn my head away from Aleko slightly to look at my best friend through the blur of tears. “Hey, babe. Can we get you over to the couch?”

I know the procedures from my EMT training. I need to be examined, and because I’m sixteen weeks along, this is classed as a late miscarriage, which means it’s likely I need some kind of surgery. Thinking about this loss from a medical perspective doesn’t make it any easier. Knowing that the baby will never see the light of day, will never get to breathe fresh air, will never know the sound of my voice or my scent…

I’ll never feel their little fingers wrapped around my own…

I just can’t.

I’m dying inside and I don’t know if this is something I can ever come back from.

My stupidity killed my baby.