Chapter Twenty-One

Alana

A FTER GETTING READY for the day, I head down to the kitchen of our home to find Pops making breakfast. I already know Ghost and Geek have left for the day. Even if they don’t wake me up, I always sense when they get out of bed. Pops turns from the stove and holds his arms out and I race into them. Pops holds me close and lets me cry out all the pain, fear, and anxiety. The only sound in the room are those of my choked sobs. After a few minutes, Pops turns us to the stove as he finishes cooking while keeping one arm around me. I don’t move from the spot in his arms as he finishes cooking and plates our food. Leading us to the island, he helps me onto a stool before heading to the refrigerator and pouring me a glass of orange juice. Making his way back to the island, Pops sets my glass down and takes his seat next to me. We eat in silence for a few minutes before the conversation is started.

“What’s goin’ on with you, Sweetheart?” Pops asks, his voice soft and gentle as he keeps his eyes off me because he knows it’s much harder to talk to him when I have someone’s attention. I don’t like attention on me during a good day. Now, when I feel as if my body is being ripped in a million different directions, I really can’t have anyone’s attention on me. it will do nothing but make me shut down.

“Everything is so messed up, Pops. The situation with Terrence spiraled so completely out of control. It’s my fault that he put his hands on me and everything else that happened between the two of us. He lied and manipulated me every single day of the time we were together. Instead of being the strong woman you all raised me to be, I simply took his shit. The first time he put his hands on me, I didn’t fight back. I let him get away with it. And it only got worse from there. Now I have the scars to show the world how weak I truly am,” I say, my voice wavering and breaking with the emotion filling me. I try to blink the tears from my eyes so they won’t spill over my lashes and roll down my face again. I’m so fucking tired of crying and feeling weak as hell. This isn’t who I am and I’m tired of feeling as if I’m less than the woman I know I am.

“Sweetheart, you’re not weak at all. We all have that fight or flight instinct in us. Sometimes, those instincts don’t kick in the way they should and we freeze. Honestly, I’ve frozen a few times in situations over the years. It’s not a good feelin’ and it’s not our fault at all. That’s just how things happen. What you did doesn’t reflect on you at all. This is all on Terrence and the way he treated you,” Pops says, compassion filling his voice as he looks over at me with soft eyes. He wraps his arm around my shoulders but doesn’t pull me close to his body because he knows that will make it harder to talk and I’ll give in to my need to cry.

“Logically I understand that, Pops. Unfortunately, it doesn’t change the fact that I can’t even leave the compound without havin’ a panic attack. Yesterday, it took every ounce of strength in me not to lose my shit with Deegan and Kian. It’s only slightly better when I’m with Ghost or Geek. One touch from Ghost when we leave to go to work is all it takes in order to somewhat settle the panic attack from turning into a full blown episode. When I’m sitting at the counter in Phantom Ink, I paste a fake smile on my face and greet every person who walks up to me and take care of them. Inside, I fucking break every second of each interaction. The only reason I don’t let it overwhelm me is because I know Ghost is behind me,” I tell Pops as tears roll down my face and the breakfast he made us sits untouched in front of me.

“Sweetheart, it won’t always be like that. Eventually you’ll be able to leave the compound and not have a panic attack. You’ll genuinely laugh and have fun while you bask in the attention of your men. I know you fell out of love with Terrence a long time ago. That doesn’t mean you don’t have to heal from the pain and injury he’s inflicted over the year you gave him,” he tells me, rubbing a hand up and down my back as I try to choke back the sobs to no avail.

“I feel so stupid, Pops. We all know Mom’s story and heard the hell she went through. I always told myself that I’d be the woman my mom wanted me to be and not stay with a man who thought it was okay to abuse me in any way he chose. Instead, I gave him a year of my life. Even when we were on our so-called breaks, I was faithful to him. Never once did I contemplate being with anyone else. Not until I came down here for King and Brynn’s wedding. It was the first time I felt the change between Ghost, Geek, and me. They gave me attention that was different than ever before and it made me believe we had a future. What did I do? I went back home and gave Terrence more power over me and took him back once again,” I say, getting to the heart of the matter which is how I feel about Ghost and Geek like I somehow betrayed them by giving Terrence that last chance.

“Despite you feelin’ somethin’ change between the three of you it doesn’t mean that you were together. You didn’t betray either of them in any way. None of you made promises to one another and you didn’t leave here in a relationship with them. You were single and so were they. You have them in your life now and are buildin’ your future with them. They’ve come to us and asked each of us for our blessin’. Ghost and Geek came to every male member of your family to get their blessin’ to claim you as their ol’ lady and then went to all the females. They are willin’ to go above and beyond for you and I know you do for them as well. I watched you put that girl in her place without hesitation.

“From what I hear, every single time she’s put Geek down and made it out that he’s less than anyone else in this clubhouse you’ve stuck up for him and ensured everyone knows how you feel about him. You claim him every single time without hesitation and I know you love them both. They’re standin’ by you in the face of what you’re goin’ through and figure out ways to get you through each panic attack or every second you’re upset. They don’t hold what’s happened against you in any way. Those two men are so completely in love with you and will never hold this against you for any reason,” Pops assures me, his voice remaining soft and gentle as I finally start to eat the food he made me.

“Am I ever gonna be able to get over this, Pops? Is anyone going to find Terrence so this situation can be resolved and I can move on?” I question him as he starts to eat his breakfast as well.

“You will get over this, Alana. You might not see it right now but you’re so much stronger than you’ve ever been able to see. We all see the strength deep in your soul and know how much you truly love everyone you bring into your world. With the help of Ghost and Geek, your counselor, and family you’ll get over everythin’ that piece of shit put you through. We will find Terrence and deal with him the way we should have dealt with him the second he started abusin’ you. Then you’ll move forward with your life without the threat of him robbin’ you of any more happiness,” Pops assures me, his voice raising just a little bit as he thinks about getting his hands on Terrence.

We finish our breakfast in silence and clean up the dishes together. This isn’t the first time Pops and I have shared a meal. We’ve gotten into a routine when we share meals and work well together in the kitchen. Pops and I move around one another fluidly before he leads me from the house once I have my purse and phone. Kian and Deegan are waiting on the porch for me. The four of us leave my home and we head to Pops’ SUV to head to Phantom Ink. I sit in back with Kian while Deegan sits up front with Pops. None of us talk on the short trip as music softly plays in the background. Pops continues to look at me in the rearview mirror as my body starts to shake and the roots of the panic attack start building deep within me.

“It’s alright, Sweetheart. Why don’t you start countin’ like Debbie taught you? Ghost tells me that’s one of the methods you’ve been taught and the one that works the best,” Pops says, his voice sounding as if he’s a million miles away instead of the few feet separating us.

Nodding my head, I start the counting method in my mind. I focus on everything around me and pick things out that don’t necessarily stand out to anyone else around me. As I focus on counting and finding things that match what the number represents in my mind, the guys with me remain silent as we make our way through the city. It works slightly as Pops pulls in the back of the shop and parks next to Ghost’s truck. He shuts the engine off and tells Kian and Deegan to get out but to remain next to us. I get all the time I need to calm myself down as much as possible. When I feel as if I have a grip on myself, I take a deep breath and slowly release it before getting out of the truck followed by Pops. We head inside and I make my way over to Ghost who’s just finishing up with a client. He pulls me into his arms and holds me close while Crab finishes up with his client and gives us the time I need right now.

I ’ve been at Phantom Ink for a few hours now and the panic attack I started to get yesterday when I was out putting up the fliers for my photography is threatening to take hold and suck me under. Kaden sees my distress as I sit at the counter and finish cashing out the client he just finished tattooing. He’s immediately at my back, rubbing his hand up and down my back. Leaning down, he murmurs words of love and support in my ear so no one else can hear him as my body trembles and sweat covers me. I’m breathing as if I’ve just run a marathon and my heart is beating so fast I’m worried it will beat right out of my chest. Soon, I’m surrounded by my dads, Pops, Stryker, Kian, and Deegan. They don’t let anyone see me as my vision starts to fade and I know this panic attack won’t subside with the techniques Debbie has been working with me on.

I’m not sure how long it takes for the panic attack to take over. Kaden doesn’t ever move from me as he only switches places to kneel down in front of me. My dad Cage takes his spot at my back and starts to rub his hand up and down my back. Joker and Pops are on either side of me unsure of what to do. This is the first time any of them besides Kaden have seen me in a full blown panic attack.

“Tink, you gotta breathe with me. Come on, Alana. Take a deep breath in and hold it for a count of five,” he says, his voice broken and hoarse as fear consumes him.

I try to lock eyes with Kaden and it takes a few minutes before I can. The dark sapphire of his eyes soak up the gray that’s usually visible when he’s not scared. It breaks my heart to see him so scared as I try to take in a deep breath like he’s coaxing me to take. Again, it takes a long time before I can actually take in more than a gasp. When I’m finally able to bring air into my lungs, it burns. I feel as if I haven’t been able to breathe in years instead of the length of this panic attack.

Time comes to a stop as I focus on Kaden and get my breathing under control. As that regulates, my heart rate starts to slow down and my body cools as my body temperature drops rapidly. My body is covered in goosebumps as the shop comes into complete focus once again. Other than my immediate family and the Prospects standing around me in a protective manner, the shop is completely silent and tears fill my eyes in shame and guilt. I’ve essentially shut the shop down because of my inability to maintain control of myself.

“What do you need, Tink?” Kaden asks me, his voice soft and gentle as he places his hand on my cheek and I lean into his touch.

“I need some air. Can I go outside and get some fresh air?” I return, my voice broken as the tears continue to slide down my face.

“Yeah, Tink. Take Kian with you. Deegan will go to the side of the buildin’ and more guys will come out in a minute. Take the time you need and I’ll be out as soon as I can. My next tattoo is somethin’ small and won’t take me long. If you need to go home, I’ll cancel my appointments for the day and we’ll go home,” he assures me as he stands and then helps me from my chair.

Kian stands close to me as we make our way to the back of the shop and head out of Phantom Ink. I remain close to the building as I pace slowly back and forth before stopping and resting my hands on my knees as my body continues to tremble in the aftermath of the panic attack. The Prospect doesn’t say a word to me as he remains vigilant to our surroundings because I sure as hell can’t focus on anything right now. I never can when I have a panic attack. That’s one of the many drawbacks of this shit happening. I’m lost in a fog the rest of the day and before too long I’ll need to take a nap to recover from the hell my body just went through. Until I started having them, I never truly realized how much panic attacks take a toll on the person having one.

Knowing I can’t continue to pace, I walk over and stand a few feet from Kian, leaning against the wall. Closing my eyes, I try to shut everything out around me and focus on the cool air brushing against my skin and gentle breeze blowing strands of my hair across my face, and the sound of birds chirping happily in the distance. I’m not sure how much time passes before I hear a grunt of pain. My eyes snap open and I find Kian crumpled on the ground next to me.

“Miss me, baby?” Terrence’s cold, hard voice fills the air around me and my eyes drift to the side enough to see him standing over Kian’s prone body as blood seeps from the wound he just gave him and soaks into the pavement beneath his body.

My eyes lock on the pool of blood as it spreads larger by the second. Fear consumes me and my body locks up tight. Terrence is yelling at me, but I can’t understand what he’s saying. The haze surrounding me consumes me easier than normal after having a panic attack. Kian’s chest slowly goes up and down letting me know he’s still breathing despite him not moving. His eyes are closed as if he’s sleeping but I know the truth of the matter. He’s not sleeping and if he doesn’t get help soon I don’t know that he’ll continue breathing either. Snapping out of the haze, I open my mouth to scream. Terrence moves faster than I’ve ever seen him move before and covers my mouth with his dirty hand covered in grime and other substances I don’t want to think about.

“You make one fucking sound and I’ll gut you where you stand,” he promises me, his voice low and lethal as I’ve heard so often in the past. “Let’s fucking go.”

Terrence keeps his hand over my mouth and grabs a handful of my hair, twisting my head at an odd angle. It hurts and I know if I don’t let him take me away with him, he’ll break my neck without hesitation. Letting my body go limp, Terrence drags me away from Phantom Ink. He takes me to a car I’ve never seen before and before he stuffs me into the trunk, I’m hit on the back of my head. Blackness once again fills the edge of my vision and spreads out until I can’t see anything. Next, the sound of everything around me starts to slowly fade into nothing as I feel my body being moved. I’m roughly lifted into someone’s arms and then dropped as if I’m nothing more than a bag of trash into the trunk of the car. The last thing I hear even though it sounds as if it’s a million miles away is the trunk slamming shut as the blackness consumes me and I lose all sense of time and everything around me.