Chapter 9

Nine

Kami

I woke to a delicious soreness in very expected places. For a few seconds, I couldn't figure out exactly where I was, but slowly it came to me. I opened my eyes to find myself tucked with my back to Trevor's front on the oversized couch. His arm rested around me with his hand cupping my breast. I reveled in the feeling of his hard length pressed against my ass.

I stretched a bit and felt him stir behind me.

"Good morning," he mumbled, his voice thick with sleep.

"That it is," I said and wiggled my way around to face him.

He grinned down at me. "Are you sore this morning?"

"You better believe it. But in the best possible places."

He chuckled and the sound of it, coupled with the feel of the rumbling against my over-sensitized skin, caused little shockwaves to shimmer over my skin. Unfortunately, it was going to take me at least a couple of hours and a long, hot shower before I was ready to act on the feeling.

"I guess we have to get back to real life at some point today," I grumbled.

He kissed me lightly and smiled. "Yeah, but I think we came to an understanding last night."

"We did?" I scrunched my brows together trying to remember what we'd talked about.

"We did. We came to the understanding that however we decided to proceed from here, we'd do it together."

"Oh." I smiled. " That understanding."

"Yes, that understanding." He kissed the tip of my nose and pushed my hair back off my face.

"God, I must look like a mess." For the first time since the sexy fun got kicked off last night, I felt a little self-conscious. I managed to let him look at every inch of me without embarrassment, but I didn't know if the newly found self-confidence translated to bed head hair and sleep-wrinkled skin.

He laughed. "You're beautiful. You look well fucked and I can't wait until I can sink into you again. I love the smell of me on you."

I could feel my cheeks heat with a deep blush. "I can't imagine why," I tease.

"I'll have to remind you later." His voice came out on a low growl that had heat pooling in my center in an instant.

"I will hold you to that." I rubbed my cheek against his hard chest and realized I missed our easy going banter. I never really had someone to wake up with and talk about my day with and make plans with. "And to think I didn't want to come to Hartwood."

"Because of me?"

I nodded. "Yes," I admitted. "I didn't look forward to coming face-to-face with you, but also the place where I lost my dad. But I shouldn't have been afraid and I really should have checked in more often. I should have come back home. I guess I was running away from the pain of everything." I paused. "That's a lot of shouldas, huh?"

"Yeah, but understandable. I hurt you. Your mother hurt you. Your dad died. So you left."

I brush strands of his hair from his forehead. "I think it's time for a change. Now that you are out of the military there's not anything keeping us apart and I don't have to worry about you getting shot at or dying out at sea. All I have to worry about if you being home in time for dinner from harmless finishing trips," I tease. But the more I thought about it, the less messy this new path of mine felt. Looking at all the pieces of my life, it seemed like everything was finally falling into place.

Trevor froze, the smile falling from his face. For the first time in days, I saw that blank look return to his face. The one he had for a few minutes in the lodge dining room when he thought for a second that the wedding I was planning was my own.

"What's wrong?" I reached up to smooth a hand over his cheek, but he pulled away. I allowed my hand to fall to his chest.

"Kami." His voice was so serious, like the voice my aunt used when she told me my dad passed away. Nothing good could be coming. "Kami, I'm not completely out of the military. Or the business of danger, is what I mean. I'm screwing this up. Look, a couple of friends of mine have invited me to join a private security company. I got the invite a couple of weeks ago. The whole tourist guide thing is seasonal, maybe even temporary if I am a good fit with the team."

Shock froze me in place. I tried to wrap my head around what he'd just said.

"Oh, I see. I didn't know"

"I'm sorry, sweetheart."

"Why should you be." I wave his worries away. "There's nothing to be sorry for."

"This doesn't change anything. For me anyway." He took my face in his hands and turned me to face him. "You are my soulmate. My fated love who has come back to me. Mine," he said as if his word were final. "I want this with you. I have forever."

Mine.

His last word echoed in my head and flashes of how our life could be collided with the horror of losing him. Of me dying from a broken heart like my dad.

"Will this private security company put you in danger?"

"Some, yes. I won't be taking live rounds daily, but I will be serving as a bodyguard at times and that does come with risk."

"I see."

My chest tightened. That sounded messy. Very messy and details I couldn't ignore or shove in a neat box.

A little voice deep inside me tried to tell me that love was worth fighting for. This was Trevor. The man who had been kind and gentle with me since our school days. The man who'd spent the night making love to me.

But the fear of letting someone have control over my feelings again, a man who has already hurt me so deeply locked me away from taking risks.

"We should get back. I'm sure Mrs. Morgan is waiting for us."

The next two hours passed in a blur. The crunch of the late spring snow under our boots, the tranquility of the remote forest, the boat ride and the walk back up to the lodge barely registered. I was so locked in my own head, I couldn't do more than give a small wave to Mrs. Morgan as I passed her in my hurry to get to my room.

Once I arrived, I locked the door and resisted the urge to move furniture in front of it. Not that Trevor had followed me. He'd left me at the dock, never saying another word as I walked away from him.

I quickly shed my clothing, leaving it in untidy piles on my way to the bathroom. I turned the taps on as hot as I could stand and stood under the water for I didn't know how long. Only after I'd been in there awhile did I finally allow the tears of fear loose.

I am such a fucking wimp and I am so tired of myself.

I spent the rest of the day in my room. When Mrs. Morgan knocked, I asked her if she would mind bringing up a tray because I wasn't feeling well.

She did as I asked, leaving soup and homemade biscuits for me. I barely managed to swallow a few mouthfuls before I gave up.

When my phone rang, I jumped and stared at it as if it tried to bite me. What if it was Trevor?

But it wasn't Trevor. It was Asha. The minute I heard her voice, the tears returned.

"What's wrong, Kami? Oh my God, I don't think I've ever seen you cry. Who hurt you?"

I struggled to explain through my tears. "I'm…I'm such a fool for thinking I could handle coming here. I thought I was strong enough to let my life get a little messy, but the second he mentioned changing jobs for a security company, the end of my life flashed before my eyes. I saw myself dead from a broken heart."

"What do you mean, sweetie? Please tell me what happened."

"I…I…" I tried to dredge up an accusation, all I could see was the hurt on his face as I told him not to touch me. He looked like I'd struck him. "I'm coming home, Asha. I was wrong. Rekindling what we had was a bad idea."

As soon as the words were out, I started sobbing again. Asha made sympathetic sounds and just stayed on the line and let me get it all out. When I managed to calm myself a bit, I grabbed a handful of tissues from the nightstand and blew my nose and wiped my eyes.

Asha was such a good friend, she even sat there through all of that.

"I'm sorry."

"You have nothing to be sorry for," she said. "I just want to know you're okay."

The truth was I didn't think I'd ever be okay again. The part of me that clicked into place when Trevor and I made love last night felt smashed and broken beyond repair.

"I messed up, Asha. I…I was wrong. I'm not married. I don't have kids. But Trevor is not safe and neat and tidy."

Once I told her that, the whole story came tumbling out—how we got snowed in, the way we spent the night, what happened when we woke up this morning.

"I tried to get a flight out sooner, but they said with the bad weather, I'd be lucky if I make it out on Friday."

Silence met that last announcement.

"Asha?"

"I'm still here." Her voice was so soft and quiet and un-Asha-like.

"What are you thinking?"

She sighed. "Sweetie, I get why you freaked out. I do. But I have to tell you, everything I've heard so far sounds like you are letting fear of getting hurt again control your actions. Do that for too long and you will be a spinster in a crumbly cabin in the woods."

"But my dad loved my mom and he's dead because of it. How do you live with the fear of knowing you could die by loving someone so fiercely as a soulmate?"

"Do you think he is your soulmate?" Asha asked in a whispered voice and it slammed into me with the force of a blizzard.

"Yes." And that one word scared me beyond measure.

"Do you actually think you'll be able to go through life protecting your heart and soul, sweetie?"

I dropped my head and thought about her words.

"Leaving her, leaving him behind again is ripping a hole in my heart. I know he loves me. And I never stopped loving him," I admitted. "But that doesn't answer your question, huh."

"Try again. Do you actually think you'll be able to go through life protecting your heart and soul from feeling? Do you think he would hurt you again by leaving?"

Everything Trevor did this whole trip made me feel cherished and protected, from holding my hand when I was anxious to checking in with me along the way when we were making love to making sure I was okay with everything we did together.

Nothing about his behavior gave me the picture of someone who would walk out again. He wanted me to know he was here for good. No more leaving.

"I know I don't want messy. But I know I want him. And I know I can't lock myself away forever."

The way I'd treated Trevor this morning after the night we spent together came back to me. Even after all of that, he'd been nothing but solicitous. He'd been kind and gentle and did his best to put me at ease.

"Oh God, Asha." Pain pierced my heart. "He's going to hate me."

Tears sprang to my eyes again. If he hated me, I deserved it. He'd been nothing but loving, kind, and protective, and I'd thrown him away like he was garbage. I'd turned into the person I always accused my mom of being–coldhearted.

"He doesn't hate you, sweetie. Trust me. Right now, he's sitting somewhere wondering if it's too early for a whiskey."

"We made plans. I was going to stay here. Or move here. Or…" I'd had the best two days of my life. For the first time ever, I made plans that revolved around being part of a loving unit. I'd have someone to call my own who wanted me, too.

And I'd ruined it. Just like I'd blamed my mom for doing with my dad.

A knock came at the door. "Miss Mackenzie?"

"Asha, I'm going to call you back. The lodge owner is at my door."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm sure. I need to think about things. I'll call you later tonight."

I hung up.

"Miss Mackenzie, I just wanted to check on you." Mrs. Morgan's sweet face showed her concern.

"I'm okay. Thank you."

"I don't mean to pry, but did something happen between you and Trevor? I went down to the dock to invite him to dinner and he looked…well, fit to be tied if I'm being honest. Mumbling something about needing a whiskey."

My shoulders dropped and my eyes prickled with hot tears. "It's all my fault. I made a mistake and…I'm afraid I treated him terribly. I let my fears get in the way of a good thing." A few hot globs of water rolled down my cheeks.

"Oh, no, it couldn't have been all that bad." Mrs. Morgan ushered me to the pale blue settee under the window in my room. She got me settled and then bustled over to the nightstand to grab the box of tissues before sitting next to me.

She put an arm around me and pulled my face to her neck in a move so maternal, something I'd longed for and missed for so long, that I completely lost it. I spilled the whole story of my parents and what happened between Trevor and me years ago, my dad dying from a broken heart and me afraid of letting anyone that close again.

When I finished, I mopped my face and looked at Mrs. Morgan sheepishly. "I'm so sorry I just lost it like that. You must think I'm crazy."

"Not at all. After what you went through sweet girl, I can't even imagine how you must have felt to be blindsided that way. You know I loved once. He was a burly mountain man and he was my one true love. My soulmate."

"What happened between you?"

"He died a few short years back. My Marvin got sick."

"Oh no, I'm so sorry."

"Thank you, but my point is, I'm here. Just because I loved and lost doesn't mean I quit living."

I considered her words. "True."

Trevor was kind and protective and so caring it hurt my heart to think about losing that now that I have allowed myself to feel for the last couple of days. The ice around my heart has melted and there are so many emotions flooding in I am about to drown.

"I feel like a horrible person. Please don't think badly of me."

"I think you're a person who was traumatized as a child and never had anyone to wrap you in love afterward. I could never think badly of you."

"Trevor is never going to forgive me for the way I dismissed him this morning."

"Do you want him to?"

I didn't even have to think about the answer to her question.

"More than anything."

"Then you should go to him."

"But how can he forgive me? I was horrible to him."

"He's your soulmate," Mrs. Morgan said as if it were the simplest thing in the world. "When the connection between two people is that deep, there's a lot you can forgive each other."

Her words gave me hope "Do you know where I can find him?"

"I'd imagine he's at his house by now. I can give you directions." She stood and gave me a gentle shove toward the bathroom. "You might want to take a minute to fix your streaming mascara first."

She waited and walked me to my rental car, giving me directions along the way and then sent me to find my soulmate.