Chapter 23

23

YORK

I was happy.

It was the strangest feeling, maybe because I'd never fully realized how not happy I was until now. Not even unhappy. Just not happy. Not like this, this sensation of floating through my days, of unexpected daydreaming when I should be working, of looking forward to being with Quillon, to spending time with him. I'd never been a people person, but I sure as fuck was a Quillon person.

I was in love.

I was happy, and I was in love—two things I'd never thought possible. Somewhere along the way, I'd concluded I was destined to stay single for the rest of my life. Seriously, who the fuck would be crazy enough to want to be with me?

Quillon was. I still couldn't believe it, but I knew it to be true. He loved me. He wanted me. Hell, for reasons that defied all rationality, he thought I was sexy. If not for the fantastic sex between us, I would've suspected he'd told me a white lie, but no one could fake that. Also, Quillon didn't lie. Not to me, but also not in general. He was a straight shooter, one of the many things I loved about him. Jesus, he'd turned me into a love-sick sap, and I didn't mind that much.

We were in bed after an afternoon nap. I'd been tired, and Quillon had crawled in beside me. We'd both been surprised when he'd fallen asleep as well, but it was a good thing because he still wasn't getting enough sleep at night. At least he'd caught some extra Z s now.

He lay on his back while I rested my head on his shoulder. Whenever I did that, he'd wrap his arm around me, and I felt so protected, so safe. So cherished. That was the right word. When we were lying like this, I felt cherished.

But despite all the happy flutters, I couldn't ignore the dark cloud hanging over us. "I can't wait till all this is over," I said softly.

"You and me both, nerdy. It would be great to be able to go out without having to plan it. To hold your hand without having to look around for possible threats."

"For you to carry the groceries."

Quillon chuckled. "Ah, I see where your priorities lie, but yes, that too."

"It would also bring new challenges. Like, is your job compatible with mine?"

I'd wondered about this but hadn't seen a reason to bring it up until now.

"That's definitely something to think about," Quillon said. "But I'm gonna say right now that your job is more important than mine."

"I'm not comfortable with that," I protested. "Isn't a relationship about being equals?"

"Yes, in the things that matter, but we also have to be practical. Your job matters. What you do matters. You're working on keeping our country safe. That has to supersede any practical considerations on my end. If necessary, I can find another job. You shouldn't."

I snuggled closer, putting my head back on his shoulder. His words made me so… I didn't even know how they made me feel. Strange. Happy but also sad. Happy because, for the first time in my life, I was someone's priority, but sad because I'd never been that important to anyone—including my parents. Would that ever stop hurting?

"If you move in with me, we need a bigger apartment," I said, determined to focus on the future.

"Or…we could stay here."

"In Tomás's house? I'm sure he wants to sell it at some point."

"In Forestville. The house is optional, but we could buy it from him. I have enough money saved up to afford it."

Alarm filled me, and again, I pushed myself up. "I'm not moving back to Forestville."

"Why not?"

"Why not?" Was he serious? "You know the memories I have of this town, what being here does to me."

"I'd hoped that maybe you'd see it differently now. You have friends here, nerdy. Friends who love you and who would be over the moon to spend more time with you. And I thought maybe being here with me would have replaced those bad memories with good ones."

"That's not how it works. I'm making wonderful memories with you, but they don't cancel out the traumatic ones."

He held out his arm, a clear invitation, and after a brief hesitation, I took him up on it and put my head down again. He kissed my hair, holding me a little closer than before. "I didn't mean to upset you. Or diminish what you've gone through."

"You didn't. The latter, I mean. And I'm not upset. More…frustrated. I didn't see this coming."

"You know how much I love Forestville."

"Yeah, but I thought you meant as a visitor. Not as a place where you'd want to live."

"I want to ask you something, but I need you to promise to be open-minded and think before you answer."

I elbowed him in his side. "Have you ever known me to do anything other than that? I can't even answer without thinking. My brain is always on."

He let out a dry chuckle. "True. Forgot for a moment who I was talking to."

"So, what did you want to ask?" He couldn't fault me for being curious after that intro.

"Have you ever considered having kids?"

What? Where on earth had that come from? Oh, wait. I got it now. If we were talking about raising a family, the choice between Seattle—or any other big city, for that matter—or Forestville was a different discussion. "I haven't. Well, maybe when I was younger, but I let that notion go a while ago. I'm too old now."

"Not for fostering."

"Fostering?"

"I think you'd be exceptional at it."

I tried to move, but he held me in place. "Please stay where you are. I need to feel close to you when we're discussing this…and I need you to feel how much I love you."

When he put it like that, how could I refuse? I relaxed again. "Why would I be good at something I've never done?"

"First of all, because you're the kind of person who can literally do anything he sets his mind to. I bet if they told you to learn how to fly an airplane, you'd rise to the challenge."

His belief in me would never cease to amaze me. "Thank you. I'd love to learn to be a pilot, by the way."

He laughed. "Of course you would, nerdy. You love learning new things, period."

"But that's a different skill than parenting."

"I've seen you with Gabe and Josiah and with that kid, Matt. You have a talent for talking to teenagers, for relating to them. That's why I think fostering would suit you. It's temporary, and you could request specific cases."

" We. "

"Hmm?"

"We could request special cases. There's no way in hell I'd even consider doing this without you."

He kissed my hair again. "I stand corrected. We. The idea has been on my mind since I saw you interacting with teens. As far as I'm concerned, fostering is definitely something I'd be interested in with you."

"Is that why you want to live in Forestville?"

Quillon traced circles on my back. "Partly. It's a reason, but not the main one. The main reason is that… I'm not one to tell anyone else how they should feel or what they should think, so take this with a grain of salt. But I feel like you belong in this town, nerdy. Your roots and your past are here, but so are your present and perhaps your future. You've been alone for so long, lonely even, but here's this wonderful community ready to welcome you home. Your friends but the town itself too. The people of Forestville are all so proud of you, nerdy…and not one of them has said anything negative to you or about you. Everyone who mentioned your parents acknowledged the unfairness toward you, either directly or indirectly. They love you. You're wanted here."

"What do you mean by acknowledging the unfairness? I don't understand."

"When we met Brianna for the first time, she said she knew it would be hard seeing your parents again, remember?"

She had, though I hadn't considered it special. But yeah, indirectly, she had acknowledged she knew the relationship with my parents was strained.

"And when we were at Collins, and you talked to the cashier, whose mom had been your teacher…"

"Heather."

"Yes, Heather. She said she knew not everyone was as blessed as she was with her parents. She meant you."

Jesus, he was right. At the time, I'd regarded her words as a cliché, but the only reason for her to mention it was if she knew how bad the situation with my parents was. "I never realized so many people knew."

"You're the small-town expert, nerdy, but I doubt a strained relationship like you have with your parents would stay a secret for long. Plus, everyone who's ever visited them must've concluded how unhealthy their obsession with Essex was."

How had I never seen this but Quillon had? Maybe because, as an outsider, Quillon had a fresh perspective. These were people I'd known my entire life, and it hadn't occurred to me that they knew my parents had never moved on from losing Essex, but as Quillon had pointed out, they did. I just hadn't picked up on those references.

But did it change things? Now that I knew the residents were aware and had chosen my side, did I feel differently about Forestville? "I'll have to think about this."

"I expected nothing else."

"But thank you for telling me this. I wasn't aware of how people saw me."

He kissed the top of my head. "I know, nerdy. It's hard to see the good after being in the middle of the bad for so long, but these people have your back. They're all rooting for you. Not one of them reacted negatively to you coming back here or even to us being together."

"True."

Kids. I'd never seen that one coming, not at my age. Just like I'd counted on staying single, I'd written off becoming a father. But now that Quillon had raised the topic, the idea of becoming a foster parent was more appealing than I had expected. If I could give even one child, one teenager, the love they deserved rather than letting them feel as unlovable as I had, it would be worth it. And with Quillon by my side, I was confident I could do it.

The topic kept popping into my head that day and the day after, so I called Fir. There was no one—other than Quillon, obviously—whose judgment I trusted more. Since I couldn't leave the house, he had to come to our place, but he didn't mind. Quillon excused himself to work out in the gym room, as always giving Fir and me some privacy.

After catching up, I broached the subject on my mind. "Do you think I'd be good at being a parent?"

"God, yes. Any child would be lucky to have you in their corner."

"Quillon raised the topic of becoming foster parents down the line."

Fir slowly nodded. "I can totally see that, and I think you'd do an amazing job. He's so solid and calm, and you're so good with teens."

"That's what he said too. About me being good with teens."

"Gabe and Josiah both love you to pieces. They're always excited when I tell them you're coming over."

I scratched my beard. "I never saw that as something special until Quillon pointed it out, but he said it's not all that normal for teens to bond with a nonparent."

"Yes and no. Teens are notoriously allergic to bullshit, so they tend to stay away from adults who they perceive as fake. But when someone makes an effort to be real with them and meet them where they are, they can be so wonderfully affectionate and close with you. And I see them do that with you. They know you're not pretending, that you call it as it is, and they respect the hell out of that."

How about that? I'd never realized that my inability to pretend would have its benefits. "It's a little surreal to talk about being foster parents when my relationship with Quillon is still so new, yet it feels very right."

Fir chuckled. "I bet that's not something you thought you'd ever say, both the foster parent part and you going by feeling rather than fact."

"Yeah, no kidding. He's awakened parts of me I never knew I had."

Fir took my hand and gave it a gentle squeeze. "Love will do that to you."

"Even the second time, like with you?"

"Hmm, good question. Tomás is very different from who Samuel was, so he brings out another side of me. We travel more, for example, which is something Samuel and I rarely did. That's also because we were at a different stage in our lives. Samuel and I had young kids, which made doing stuff with just the two of us a lot harder."

"And Tomás has money. Money always changes things," I said.

"Very true. I've tried persuading Tomás to stop spending money on me, but I lost that battle. It's one of the ways in which he shows his love, so I've learned to accept it."

I grinned. "I'm sure it's a real hardship to get used to having your rich boyfriend want to spend money on you."

Fir laughed too. "It's true suffering, I assure you."

"I'm still in shock that I even have a boyfriend, so anything else is a bonus."

"He's lucky to have you," Fir said, as always loyal to a fault.

For the first time, I agreed with him and meant it. Quillon had changed that in me as well. He'd made me realize I was a good man, someone worthy of being loved and finding happiness. Mere months ago, I would've denied this, would've argued with Fir that I should be grateful someone even wanted me. But now, I truly felt differently.

"He is…and I'm the luckiest man in the world to have him."