Chapter 12

TWELVE

RYAN

Bears are famously solitary most of the time, sticking to their own paths in the wild, but when they find the right match, they’ll show their interest with a kind of single-minded devotion and charm that’s hard to ignore. When a bear finally decides he wants something, he’s impossible to resist.

—Bear Facts for Insomniacs, Episode 20

I stared at him with my hand poised over the bowl of mango almond dip.

“Jesus fuck, what kind of question is that? How the hell should I know?” I sputtered. “And that doesn’t count as a deflection. I literally don’t know the answer.”

I expected to see Zane’s eyes bright with teasing, but instead, I saw a strange kind of vulnerability in them.

“I want to know,” he said. “Think about it for a minute. On the one hand, yay! You can splurge and buy half the town. On the other…”

“On the other, everybody you knew would want a piece of it,” I finished.

He nodded.

Everyone knew Zane was richer than any god. Hell, he was most likely wealthier than the royal family of Ventdestine. But because his money came from massive global fame, there would have been no way of keeping his wealth a secret. So why was he acting like it would have been a choice?

Zane looked so earnest, like he really wanted to hear my opinion on this topic, that I couldn’t help but give it serious consideration. I took a sip of beer while I thought about it.

“I don’t trust people by default,” I said carefully. “I’ve seen too much in my job, too many people trying to use others for wealth and status. So I think… if I had the choice, I’d probably try to keep it under wraps. I might do what you do and try to help people instead.”

He nodded, as if something I’d said had validated his own feelings.

“Except there’d be signs,” I added with a wink. “I wouldn’t be able to hide my Madshus Redline skis and my sudden retirement so I could enjoy them.”

The teasing returned to his eyes. “At your winter sports camp?”

“Eventually,” I agreed.

“You’d leave me just like that, Bear? All it would take is a cool bil?”

My grin dropped. I wanted to bark out a laugh at just how ridiculous that was. I would leave Zane Hendley when the last breath whistled out of my carcass and not a minute sooner. But then I realized I couldn’t even joke about the topic without wanting to hit something or being tempted to blurt out all the things I was trying to hold back.

I shoved the mango almond dip in my mouth… which was a little kicky but surprisingly tasty.

“On the same topic,” I said when it was Zane’s turn to answer again. “What would be the hardest luxury to give up if you lost it all? ”

Zane didn’t hesitate. “I should say the ability to help others, but I’m too selfish. It would be my couture clothing.”

He said it with such a straight face, smoothing a hand down his front, it took me a minute to notice what he was wearing.

His unicorn fleece onesie.

The most god-awful monstrosity of a pajama concept ever created. It had started out as a gag gift from Landry but had quickly become the only way Zane could stay warm last winter when we toured through Minnesota and Wisconsin. The poor guy had been sick in addition to being saddled with having to visit the frozen Midwest during January and February, and Landry’s gift had been just the thing.

Now, it was definitely not the thing. The man was sweating from the horseradish like I was, and the unicorn onesie wasn’t doing him any favors.

I imagined peeling it off him for a split second before I shook my head.

I needed to stop this fantasy. Whose turn was it? Shouldn’t somebody be asking a question? I needed to say something, anything, to snap myself out of it.

“Why the fuck have you never had sex before?” I blurted.

My words slipped out like the notes of a song played off-key, each discordant syllable tumbling over the last as we listened in horror.

Zane’s eyes flashed to me and widened in surprise. My own words replayed in my mind as I realized the depth of my mistake.

My career-ruining mistake.

“Oh fuck. I’m sorry, Zane. Please.” My face was on fire and not from the kick of the horseradish. Panic rushed through my veins.

The kiss had been bad enough, but not letting it lie after he’d clearly wanted to pretend it hadn’t happened? Worse. Way worse.

“That is absolutely none of my business and highly inappropriate. I beg your pardon.” I stood up quickly and reached for the dishes. I would clean up our dinner mess and disappear into my room to give him the privacy he probably craved. At least I hadn’t made such a grievous mistake in front of others.

How could I have been so stupid? Should I offer my resignation now or wait until the morning? Should I tell him or tell Violet first? Was I even strong enough to bring myself to do it when it would mean leaving him more vulnerable?

No. Definitely not. Then maybe I needed to?—

Zane’s long fingers closed around my wrist, directly over my hammering pulse. “Stop, Bear. Sit down.”

I looked over at him without fully turning to face him. “I’m sorry,” I said again softly. “Zane?—”

“ Ryan . Will you stop acting like you just stabbed me by accident? Sit back down.”

The sound of my real name on his lips caught my attention as it usually did. I slowly lowered myself back into my seat next to him at the table, and once he knew I wasn’t going to bolt, he let go of me.

The air outside had gotten cold enough later in the day to justify turning on the gas fireplace, and full darkness had descended a while ago, leaving us feeling isolated and hunkered down.

I clasped my hands together in my lap and focused on them.

After an awkward moment, Zane spoke. “I’m actually glad you finally said something. I knew you heard me talking about it the other night, and I was so embarrassed.”

I glanced up. “Embarrassed? Why?”

His own cheeks were pink, but there was no way he was as mortified as I was.

“Because I’m a thirty-three-year-old virgin? Is there even such a thing? I know I’m not supposed to care about virginity because it’s a social construct… but tell that to every other man on Earth, will you?”

I took a deep breath. “Don’t ever feel pressured to do something you don’t want to do because of what other people think?—”

“I do want to do it!” Zane snapped, throwing his arms up. “That’s the problem. I want to do it badly. Very, very badly. But I…” He blew out a noisy breath. “I’m so twisted up about it now I’d only embarrass my self. And what if Noelle was right? What if the first time I have sex, someone captures it on film, and everyone sees me come in one point five seconds?”

My body thrummed with a toxic mix of embarrassment, secondhand embarrassment, greed, and lust.

So. Much. Lust.

“Don’t do it with someone you can’t trust.” As much as I wanted to encourage him to stop worrying and just do it, I couldn’t help but give him at least that one warning. He was mine to protect, and I’d be damned if I was going to let him get taken advantage of.

Zane glanced up at me and then looked back down at where he was running his thumbnail over a callus on the inside edge of his ring finger. Those guitar-player hands never failed to make my heart skip a beat. I wanted them on me, always. “That makes for a very short list.”

“The brotherhood?” I suggested, even though my gut roiled at the idea.

He grimaced. “Ew. I call them my brothers for a reason, Bear. Besides, the only one who’s single is Landry, and if he’s not hate-fucking Kenji, he’s at least thinking about it.”

I reached out and grabbed his hand to stop his fiddling. “Zane.”

Honey-brown eyes peeked at me through his eyelashes. “You probably think I’m the world’s biggest loser.”

“Fuck no. I was proud of you confessing your truth in front of that kid the other night when it clearly made you uncomfortable around your cousins.”

“I didn’t want him to think all rock stars are out there sleeping with tons of people.”

I let go of his hand but turned more fully to face him, nudging his chair back so I could see him better. “Second of all,” I continued carefully, “any man would be lucky to be with you.”

Including me , I added in my head, but the air between us immediately began buzzing like I’d spoken the words out loud.

Zane twisted his lips and took a breath. “ Any man? ”

“Hell yes. Every man,” I insisted, not fully realizing the road I was going down.

“I mean… I’m sitting right here, Bear.”

Caution signs sprang up, and warning lights flashed.

“Wanting it very badly?” I teased, trying to break the tension and failing utterly. “Very, very badly?”

The edge of his mouth quirked. “Very.”

I felt my heart rate kick up. “Except now we’re stuck on an isolated peninsula on a Norwegian fjord.”

Zane’s cheeks rounded with a big grin. “With a hundred percent too few sex opportunities…”

I opened my mouth to make a joke about there still being one, but I quickly snapped it closed. It was bad enough I’d introduced this topic with my principal, kissed my principal. I wasn’t going to joke about sleeping with him, too.

He glanced at me through his dark lashes again. “But a hundred percent too many temptations,” he murmured before looking away.

His words sat between us, still and dangerous as an undetonated bomb.

“Zane,” I said in a low voice.

“No, sorry. Forget I said that. I don’t want to put you in an awkward position. The only thing worse than a sex video would be an actual sexual harassment lawsuit.” He didn’t look at me but let out an awkward laugh. His cheeks were mottled red, and the tips of his ears were crimson.

“Zane,” I said again. I was unsure what I wanted to say, but I knew I didn’t want him to feel awkward or uncomfortable. Not around me. Not ever.

He glanced at me and then away again.

I took a breath. “I would never, ever consider sleeping with you?—”

“I get it!” he cut in. “Christ, Bear, I know you wouldn’t. I… I don’t even know if you’re into guys, and even if you might be, that doesn’t mean you’re into me . I’m sorry I said anything?— ”

I reached out and grabbed his hand again. It was warm and clammy and shook a little bit. “ Let. Me. Finish. ”

Zane’s eyes widened.

“I would never consider sleeping with you… as anything other than a dream and a goddamn privilege . I certainly wouldn’t consider it harassment of any kind.”

He blinked, his breath coming in fast, choppy little pants. “You… you’re joking?”

“No,” I said firmly. “That’s the furthest thing from a joke.”

“You’d have sex with me?” His voice squeaked on the last word.

I closed my eyes and inhaled to keep from laughing. “If I wasn’t in charge of protecting you? If I didn’t think you’d regret it? In a skinny minute. I’m definitely into guys, and I’m very definitely into you.”

“Oh, god,” he breathed like Christmas had come early. Then he blurted, “I wouldn’t regret it. Are you kidding? Who could sleep with you and regret it?”

My brain scrambled to do the calculations, which was exponentially harder with his hand in mine.

Technically, I didn’t work for him. Violet’s contract was with Zane’s record label.

But what if things became awkward? Would I still be able to do my job properly?

And what if things didn’t become awkward? Would I be able to keep a level head?

Who was I kidding? I wasn’t able to keep a level head now . I’d been in love with the man for longer than I cared to admit… which meant I would get my heart smashed to pieces.

Because there was no way a man like Zane Hendley—talented, kind, and open-hearted—would ever want to settle down with someone whose talents were skiing and shooting targets with bullets. I’d never been described as kind. I certainly wasn’t open-hearted. I was guarded and gruff, suspicious and easily annoyed.

A bear, exactly as Zane called me… and bears were solitary animals.

Zane deserved better.

“It’s not a good idea,” I said, desperate for him to accept my weak attempt at stopping this before it became unstoppable.

“Yeah, no. You’re probably right.” He sighed and reached for the front of his onesie, pulling it in and out to fan himself. “Is it hot in here, or is it just you?” he murmured.

“Open it up,” I said with a laugh, reaching out to yank the zipper down an inch. “You’re obviously roasting.”

I’d assumed he had on a T-shirt and shorts or something underneath, but instead of a shirt, I only saw a small tuft of soft brown chest hair peeking up into the hollow of his throat.

“Oh,” I said, reaching out to yank it back up. The zipper caught a hair, making Zane yelp. I tried pulling the zip back down right as Zane reached up to do the same. I attempted to yank my hand away and let him deal with it, but instead, I somehow managed to knock him under his chin. He was so surprised, he lost his balance, which was when I realized he’d been leaning his chair partway back on only two feet. “Fuck!”

I lurched forward and grabbed for his chair, pulling it down until Zane himself spilled into my lap.

I was horrified. I’d tried to keep my distance, to do the right thing, and instead, I’d tried undressing him, punching him, and then nearly knocking him to the floor.

He must have seen my panic. “I’m fine,” Zane said quickly.

“Zane, fuck!” I drew in a jagged breath. My arms came around him to keep him from tumbling off my lap.

“ Bear . I’m fine. I promise.”

“You’re not. I knocked you in the chin.” I reached out to tilt his chin up carefully so I could see the damage. Thankfully, there wasn’t any blood on his mouth, so he didn’t seem to have bitten his lip.

Zane’s hair spilled over my hand as I tilted his head. “I’m fine .”

The word reverberated between us, tweaking me like a discordant note, but worse. Like clock hands forcibly moved the wrong direction and then left out of rhythm, always a step out of time from then on.

His eyes flicked to mine as he realized what he’d said. As he remembered my warning about saying those words to me yesterday… and what had happened after that.

Zane dragged his tongue across his lower lip. “I’m fine,” he said again, this time speaking slowly and softly, like a caress.

Like a dare .

I watched his brown eyes heat with challenge. He was a matador, and I was helpless against the flare of a red cape.

My thumb grazed his bottom lip, my eyes riveted on how plump it was. I remembered how it felt against mine. Even now, knowing his mouth was probably a toxic cauldron of horseradish like mine, I wanted another taste.

“Zane,” I warned, desperate for someone—anyone but me—to be mature enough to stop us from making a colossal mistake.

“Totally and completely fine ,” he said softly, eyes now on my own mouth.

He felt like perfection in my arms. Like he was made to sit pressed up against me like this, where I could hold him and feel him and gaze into his beautiful face.

“This is a mistake,” I pleaded.

“Probably.” He leaned in until the tip of his nose barely brushed against my cheek.

“I reek of horseradish.”

The edge of his lip quirked up. “Misery loves company.”

“Zane,” I breathed, turning my face just enough to feel the prickle of his whiskers against the tender skin of my lips.

“Please, Bear.” The broken words were so soft I barely heard them. But his plea carried years of need, the kind he’d never felt safe enough to reveal.

His need was nothing to mine because I needed Zane Hendley like I needed the Earth to keep spinning around the sun. Like I needed plants to keep producing oxygen. Like I needed winter’s snow to melt and fill the rivers and lakes so I could drink my fill.

“Tell me to stop,” I finally begged before pressing my lips against his cheek, his jaw, the tender skin under his ear.

He sucked in a breath. “No.”

That might have been the first time I’d ever heard Zane say the word.

I hid a grin against his ear. “You’ll tell me if you stop being fine.”

“I’ll always be fine with you.”

I closed my eyes and imagined that to be possible. “Zane. You will tell me if you stop being fine.”

He made a little growling sound in his throat. “ Fine .”

I sucked his earlobe into my mouth. “I hope you still like horseradish,” I said while bubbles of happy nerves popped haphazardly in my stomach.

He pulled in a shaky breath. “Who knew you were the world’s worst tease?”

I kissed him then, full on the lips. Blood roared in my ears and thundered in my veins. He wanted me. He wanted me . He wanted me.

We kissed for a long time, Zane happily straddling my lap while I held on to him with one arm and explored his face and neck with my other hand.

My cock filled as I imagined all the things I wanted to do with him. I shifted a little, and Zane let out a noise of protest. Instead of stopping kissing him long enough to explain, I reached for his hand and brought it down between us. The next sound out of him was a low groan as he explored the ridge of my hard cock through my sweatpants.

I unzipped his onesie to his navel and brushed it off his shoulders and down his tattooed arms. His skin was on fire. My hands turned warm from exploring.

He was small but toned from professional workouts with a personal trainer and hours-long performances that included choreography and demanded stamina. I took advantage of the opportunity to touch all of the curves and dips that had been off-limits before now.

When I got to the lower part of his belly, I reached around to his back and snuck my fingers down beneath the soft elastic waistband of his boxer briefs. I was hyperaware of his reaction, poised and ready to stop at any indication I was crossing a line.

He didn’t stop me.

I cupped the bare skin of his ass and squeezed.

“Bear.” His voice was a muffled whimper.

“I want to make you come,” I admitted, moving to whisper against his ear.

His dick pressed against my stomach as he arched into me. “Touch me.”

My gut twisted with need, but I didn’t make a move to touch his cock. It was a line I wouldn’t be able to uncross. I wanted to give him time to change his mind because one thing was clear: I wouldn’t be the one stopping this from progressing.

I was in control of many, many things, but stopping myself from touching Zane wasn’t one of them. Not unless he asked me to.

He didn’t wait for me to make a move. Zane grabbed my arm and moved my hand down the front of his onesie. “Touch me,” he said again, nearly panting with desire. His face was flushed, and his eyes glittered.

I didn’t even need to ask because he volunteered, “Yes, I’m sure,” he groaned. “ Please .”

I reached into his underwear and pulled his cock out. It was hot and hard in my palm. Zane didn’t make a sound, but his eyes widened, and his lips opened in an O shape before his eyes fluttered closed, and he let out a low, jagged sound that went straight to my own cock.

Making him feel that good was like catching air when going over a rise on a cross-country ski run. My stomach swooped, and the breath caught in my lungs. I quickly licked my palm before grasping him again and tugging gently, watching his reaction to learn what he liked and what felt good. I experimented with different pressure and speed until his eyes rolled back, and he let out a jagged exhale.

“Gonna come.” His words were breathy, and his lips were wet from my kisses. He was so hot I wondered if just jacking him while seeing him this way was going to make me come, too.

His hands clenched around my shoulders, and his hips canted into my grip as I murmured encouragement in his ear.

When he came, Zane let out a strangled sound and shuddered. He hid his face in my neck as the orgasm ripped through him.

I couldn’t believe I’d gotten to see him like this, to share this moment of complete vulnerability with him, to make him feel good.

Even though my dick was throbbing painfully in my pants, it was enough.

“You,” he said.

I turned my face to press a kiss to his hair and ear. Thankfully, he couldn’t see what had to be a satisfied smile on my face.

He shuddered again. “Want to make you feel good, too.”

I opened my mouth to tell him he already did when he shocked me by sliding to the floor between my legs. When his warm brown eyes met mine, still hot with desire but also hesitant with insecurity, the saliva dried up in my mouth and throat.

Zane Hendley was on his knees for me with a look so fucking eager to please, the breath punched out of me in a huh sound.

He reached for the tie on my sweatpants while my brain computed the variables of the current situation at record speed. Should I stop him? Could I, even if I wanted to? Why would I want to? But maybe he was doing this out of obligation to reciprocate. Should I tell him he didn’t need to reciprocate? What if he stopped?

“Is this okay?”

My eyes shot from his hands to his face. Zane’s expression was even more unsure.

“Do you want this?” I asked, my voice sounding ragged and raw.

His jaw shifted, and his lips tightened, as if holding back more than he said. “Don’t make me beg. ”

I slid my hips forward on the wooden chair, widening my legs to make room. When he reached for the tie on my pants again, I helped him slide them down and completely off.

Zane’s eyes zeroed in on my hard cock, making it jerk. I reached out to stroke it, which seemed to wake him from a trance. He knee-walked closer and pressed one hand on my thigh while he reached for my cock with the other. I released it to him and moved my hand to caress his cheek.

“You’re so fucking sexy,” I murmured. My only hope was that this was happening in some kind of fever dream, and when it was all over, he would forget the admissions I couldn’t help but make.

When his warm, wet tongue stroked up my shaft, I let out a low groan and let my head fall back. Zane cradled my balls with one hand, and just as I’d always imagined, those rough, callused, guitar-playing fingers felt fucking amazing. One fingertip accidentally brushed against the skin behind them, and I clenched with a sudden image of him finger-fucking me, invading my body in search of just the right spot to make me see fucking stars. I’d never had anyone touch me there before, but with Zane, I wanted it.

Wanted everything .

“Zane.” I groaned again, unable to come up with any other words that weren’t humiliating pleas for him to take me in any way he pleased.

He closed his mouth over my tip, bathing the sensitive part under the head with the tip of his tongue. His movements were tentative but hungry. I could tell he’d spent plenty of time imagining how he’d do this, how he’d give another man pleasure with his mouth.

“So good,” I urged. My fingers threaded into his hair. “Just like that.”

He reached down to touch himself, even though he’d just come. The idea that sucking my cock made him hard again was enough to bring on my orgasm. The pleasure was white-hot, contracting my lower half and shooting pleasure along my spine until I was shuddering and gasping. Zane choked as I came in his mouth .

I opened my eyes in time to see the last bit of my release hit his lips as he pulled off. My dick gave another feeble spurt at the sight of Zane Hendley with my spunk on his face.

My fingers were still tangled in his hair, so I pulled him close to kiss him hungrily, tasting my own salty release on his lips and tongue.

He stood up and embraced me while we continued to kiss. I pulled him onto my lap, suddenly fearful that this was it. One and done. I needed to take as much of him as I could before reality came crashing down on us and rational heads prevailed.

His body was so warm, skin like silk under my hands as I roamed them up and down his back and down to his ass.

Zane finally slowed down and tucked his face into my neck, leaning his head against my chest with his arms pulled in between us. It took me a moment to realize he was cold.

“Hey. You should hop in a hot shower,” I said, chafing up and down his back more rapidly in hopes of warming him.

“With you?” Soft brown eyes twinkling with humor met mine…

And I froze. Ninety percent of my brain (not to mention my dick) screamed a resounding yes. But that other ten percent played an insistent slideshow of all the ways this was wrong and dangerous… for both of us.

Attuned to each other as we were, Zane noticed my hesitation immediately. He sat up straight and nodded. “Or alone. That’s… yeah, I get it. Okay.”

Shit. This was suddenly even more awkward than I feared. “Zane,” I said as he stood up and turned away from me, yanking up his onesie and jamming his arms into the sleeves. He ignored me and headed toward his room. “Zane, wait?—”

He waved a hand dismissively over his shoulder without looking back. “Don’t worry about it, B-bear…” He took a shuddering breath before adding…

“ I’m fine. ”