9

Bianca

I couldn’t sleep the last couple of nights, so I took a nap this afternoon before getting ready for the wedding. My emotions were running high, my heart beat against my ribcage, and my head swam through a river of memories, each one crashing into the other.

He had left me, and yet, he was here. He had not had the decency to break up with me before he left, and yet, he didn’t want me to be alone now.

It was all so confusing.

‘Ruby, are you there?’

‘Yeah. Are you all right?’

‘Yeah. I think so. I had a good time Thursday night.’

‘With John?’

‘No. With Jager. He showed up, and it’s a long story, but he’s coming to the wedding with me.’

‘How do you feel about that?’

‘I don’t know. Confused, I guess. I thought I could treat him as someone I’d just met, but the past keeps coming up, and I don’t know if I can let it go.’

‘Maybe he’s changed.’

‘Yeah. Or maybe not. I don’t know. But when I look at him…’

‘Yeah?’

‘I can’t breathe.’

Ruby didn’t respond. There wasn’t anything to say on her end. ‘Thanks for listening,’ I texted. ‘I’ve got to get ready. It's almost six. Bye, babe.’

‘Bye, babe.’

With some pep in my step, I shot out of bed and ran to my closet. I knew I would wear the red dress tonight. It was the fanciest thing I owned. It was long with a slit up the leg to the top of my thigh. I bought it for a work gala once and hadn’t worn it since.

I curled my hair and added a red lip to my makeup. Picking up the perfume bottle on my vanity, I sprayed some on my neck and wrists. My chest rose and fell as I stared at myself in the mirror. I nearly didn’t recognize the woman standing there. She looked happy and excited. I hadn’t felt that way before a family function in a very long time.

“Bianca, are you ready? It’s time to go,” River called from the hallway.

When I opened the door, he and Lizzie stood there, waiting. Lizzie wore a tight black dress and white pearls. Her hair pulled into a messy bun. “You look very pretty, Lizzie.”

She smiled. “Thank you.”

River looked me up and down. “You don’t look so bad yourself.”

I smirked. “Thanks, River.”

“All right. Let’s go. I don’t want to miss any of the hors d’oeuvres.”

“You two go on ahead. My date will be here soon.”

“I thought Stewart couldn’t make it,” said River, helping Lizzie with her coat.

“He couldn’t. I’m going with someone else.”

“Who?”

“Jager.”

River stood still, his hands on top of Lizzie’s shoulders. “Jager?”

“Yes.”

“How? Why?” His voice was harsh. I knew he was angry at how Jager left because he held me as I cried for days.

“Well, I needed someone, and he offered.”

“If you were desperate, I could have asked someone for you.”

The word ‘desperate’ stung. “Thanks, but I’m good. It was nice of Jager to offer, and I was more than happy to accept. You know how I hate going to these things alone.”

He sighed. “Just don’t let this become more than it is. All right? I don’t want to see you hurt again.”

“I get it.” I walked up to my brother and patted his shoulder. “I won’t let myself get caught up. I promise.”

“Good.”

“Now, go on or you’ll miss the tiny sausage rolls.”

That was enough incentive to get River moving. I closed the door behind him and pressed my back against it. My heart raced, and I smiled before turning around and searching for my heels in the hallway closet.

I found them just before the doorbell rang. I slipped on my heels and glanced in the mirror before answering the door.

Jager stood in a black tuxedo, fitted perfectly around his shoulders andarms, and tapered at the waist. The crisp white shirt contrasted against his tanned skin and hid the scorpion tattoo I knew he had got on his chest in the twelfth grade. He held an enormous bouquet of red roses in his hand.

“You didn’t have to get me those,” I said, taking the flowers from him. They were quite heavy, withat least three dozen stems.

“Do you still like roses?” he asked, stepping into the house.

“I do,” I smiled. “But it’s been years since anyone bought them for me. Thank you.”

I grabbed a vase from the back of a cabinet and filled it with water. After placing the flowers inside, I inhaled their scent.

“They’re beautiful.”

I turned to smile at him, but his expression was intense. He stared at me with a spark in his eyes I couldn’t read. “You look incredible,” he said softly.

I wanted to shake it off as a compliment any man would say, but something in his expression wouldn’t let me. He stepped forward and raised his hand toward me. I stared at it for a moment, but before I could even consider holding it, he dropped his arm. Straightening, he bent his elbow and smiled. “Ready to go, Bumblebee?”

He had said the full nickname this time. Emotion rushed up my chest and filled it with…happiness. Despite all the years apart, at this moment, it felt as though nothing had changed. It was just Jager and me.

“Yes, I’m ready.” I took his arm and walked out the door with him next to me.

Heat emanated from his body and gave me goosebumps. I shivered.

“You forgot your coat,” he said as soon as we got outside.

I hadn’t felt cold until he mentioned it. “Sorry. I was a little distracted. Give me a second.” I rushed back in and grabbed my long, black trench coat. “There. That’s better.”

“I’m not sure if it’s better, but at least you’re warm.”

The compliment felt like a rush to my ego. I loved knowing that he liked what he saw. It was silly, but true. I was close to thirty years old and a few words from my college boyfriend sent me into a giddy tailspin.

My smile remained for a while. It lasted until he turned into the banquet hall’s parking lot. Then, my heart sped up for a different reason and I forced myself to breathe despite the heaviness forming in my chest.

“Are you all right?”

I heard him, but I didn’t know how to answer that question.

Jager turned off the car, but neither of us made a move to leave.

“I don’t know,” I said truthfully. His leather seat moaned as he swiveled to face me. “I remember you and your mother didn’t get on well while we were dating, but you never said more than that. Does this have to do with her?”

I closed my eyes as anger boiled inside of me, but I knew it would manifest itself through tears and I didn’t want to cry over her again. I was tired of it. I wanted to talk about her and feel nothing. But I still wasn’t there yet.

“It got worse after you left,” I said. “I kept thinking time away from her would make it better, but it didn’t. She only found different ways to hurt me. I don’t know what I ever did for her to hate me so much, to call me an ungrateful daughter, when I was just a freaking teenager. My behavior was not a reflection of her, no matter how many times she said it was. Whatever I did, it wasn’t good enough. So, I left, after feeling unwelcome in my home. I found a rundown place I could afford and stressed every day, wondering how I would pay the rent with my part-time job. Some days I chose rent over food. I couldn’t hide it from my brother any longer, so he asked me to move in with him. He’s the reason I graduated from college and landed my first job. I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for him.”

I opened my eyes and saw his hand over mine. When did that happen? I’d never opened up like that with anyone, but I’d done it with Jager. The boy who broke my heart.

“When’s the last time you saw her?”

“I went back home for her birthday and Christmas every year for a while, but I was sick before and after each time. I had stomach cramps days leading to the event and the worst migraine the next day. The last time, River took me to the hospital when I couldn’t get out of bed from the pain. That was a year ago.”

“Why?”

“I foolishly thought our relationship would get better. That we would come to an understanding at one of those celebrations and have this fairytale happy ending. You know, like in sitcoms, when someone realizes how wrong they were, and they acknowledge that they hurt you. But it never happened, and I stopped expecting it.”

“No, I mean, why go to this wedding now?”

My heart beat so fast, I thought it would break through my chest. I rubbed the spot. “I hate that she has this hold on me. I hate that I can’t spend time with family without having to worry about running into her. I hate that I’ve lost out on years of happiness because I’ve been worried about how I feel when I’m around her. She has taken so much from me. She has tried to punish me by cutting me out of family parties and saying that I’m the one who wants nothing to do with her when she’s the one who’s always hated me. I left to protect myself. I just couldn’t take it anymore. But I don’t want to keep missing out on family events because of her.”

A tear fell down my cheek and I brushed it away. Fuck . I didn’t want to cry. I swore I wouldn’t lose another tear because of her and here I was, crying again.

I curled my fist and felt my nails prick into my flesh. The pain was a welcome distraction from my emotions.

“I don’t think I can do this anymore. I should just go home.”

“If your mother wasn’t here, would you want to come to this event?”

“Yes, of course. I miss my family. I’d love to know what my cousins have been up to. See my little sister again.”

“All right. You are going to take all the time you need to get yourself right and then I’m going to hold your hand as you march in there with your head held high because you did nothing wrong. You have nothing to be ashamed of. She hurt you. She pushed you away. And even if you were a bratty teenager, she was your mother and should have protected you. Made you feel safe. That’s on her, not you.”

Jager brushed his thumb across my cheek, leaving a trail of washed-up tears.

“I must be such a mess.”

“You’re not. You’re perfect.”

I rolled my eyes and pulled down the sun visor to look in the mirror. My eyes were a little red and slightly swollen, but my makeup wasn’t smudged. I closed my eyes again and inhaled deeply.

Jager interlaced his fingers with mine and I breathed in three more fortifying breaths. “Okay. I’m ready.”

“Wait here.” He climbed out of the car and walked over to open my door. Then he lent me his arm. “You’re not taking one step without me by your side. You got that? You’re not alone, B. I’m right here beside you.”

His support nearly did me in, but I nodded and took the arm he offered. I leaned into him and felt a sense of togetherness with someone I hadn’t felt, well, since he’d left me.

As soon as we walked through the banquet hall doors, the loud chatter of voices and laughter echoed throughout the foyer. We checked our coats and when I shivered, Jager pulled me into his side. His fingers rested on my hip as we walked toward the receiving line.

My anxiety melted slowly as I saw my cousin’s beaming face. She looked like an angel in her white gown and veil. Her husband’s face glimmered with sweat and joy under the bright lights and the rush of people greeting them. She spotted me just as I was about to shake her hand. “Congratulations, Amy. I’m so happy for you both,” I said.

“Bianca!” My cousin pulled me in for a hug and squeezed. “I’m so happy you came.” Then lower, “I’ve missed you.”

Emotion clogged my throat, but I pushed through. “I’ve missed you, too.”

Her eyes moved toward Jager and his proximity to me. “Who’s this?” she asked.

“Jager, this is my cousin, Amy. Amy, this is my friend, Jager.”

“Friend?” asked Amy, raising an eyebrow.

I was about to answer “Yes,” when Jager replied, “Good friend. It’s a pleasure to meet you, Amy. And congratulations.”

“Thank you.” She smiled and nodded knowingly at me before the next guest took her hand and congratulated her.

Good friend . I didn’t know how much to read into that. We had a history, so we were more than just friends, but did that make us good friends? I wouldn’t have said so a few months ago, but tonight, mmm…well, tonight felt like a fresh start.

As Jager led me into the dining room, I kept my gaze from landing on anyone in particular, and especially forced myself not to look for her. My heart sped up, but Jager held my hand as we walked toward our table.

My brother and Lizzie were already seated; my brother had a full plate of food in front of him. He stared at our hands as we approached. The creases on his forehead deepened until instinctively, I unclasped Jager’s hand.

“I see you found the antipasto bar,” I said when I sat down in front of him and Lizzie. Jager pushed my chair closer to the table, and I thanked him over my shoulder. River glared at him.

After a few minutes of small talk, River looked over my shoulder. “Hey, Bianca. You should know something.”

“What?” I asked, resting my chin on my folded hands.

“Mom and Lisa are at our table.”

“ What ?” I couldn’t believe Amy would put us at the same table. The whole family knew we weren’t speaking to each other.

Blood drained from my face, and it felt as though the room was spinning. I had expected to see her across the room, but I wasn’t expecting to be seated at the same table. “Oh, God,” I whispered into my hands.

As though someone had put a ticking bomb in my chest, the sound became deafening, drowning out the crowd around us. The room was dark, and I had no idea where she was. There was so much noise and confusion that I was overwhelmed with this feeling of being ambushed at any moment.

Oh God. I can’t do this.

I sucked in a breath, but it felt as though a heavy weight stood on my lungs and I couldn’t fill them. Nausea set in as the room spun.

Everyone stared at me. Lizzie with pity in her eyes and River with anger.

Jager leaned over and whispered, “Do you want to leave?”

Yes! Damnit. I want to get the hell out of here. Go somewhere I can breathe.

But a tiny voice inside of my head said no. It was much softer than the panicky one screaming at me. But for some reason, I believed it. I couldn’t speak, I only shook my head and Jager nodded.

I didn’t stand to get food. I barely moved a muscle, simply staring out into the sea of people, and trying so desperately to keep myself together as I knew I was close to falling apart.

My vision blurred, and I looked up to dry my eyes. When I turned, I saw my little sister and the woman whose face I couldn’t bring myself to conjure up even in my dreams. She was always faceless in them, but her words were real and biting. I felt her energy as she approached the table. She fixed her face quickly and smiled at River.

“Looks like you wasted no time filling up your plate,” she said teasingly.

The sound of her voice was like a vise over my heart, tightening and threatening to break it all over again. “I love that dress, Lizzie.”

“Yes, it’s very nice,” said Lisa.

“Thank you,” said Lizzie and glanced quickly in my direction before focusing on her food again.

I’d been yelled at by my mother countless times, mocked, and scorned. But it never hurt as much as her silent treatment.

“Hello, Lisa. Hello, Mother,” I said, my voice cracking through my tight throat.

“Hi,” Lisa said, but didn’t look at me. My mother pretended she didn’t hear me and asked Lisa to pass her the salt.

Jager straightened in his seat, his body turned in their direction. I knew he was about to say something to them, but I didn’t want him to get involved. It wasn’t his place.

I slid my hand over his thigh and the muscle tensed. Dropping his head, he stared at my fingers before closing his eyes.

Two more guests joined our table, and the conversation picked up. If not freely, at least it wasn’t silent. I, however, didn’t say a word. I knew every word out of my mouth would be measured and judged. I also didn’t want her to know anything about who I was now. When River wanted to try and mend the rift between us, I made him swear never to speak of me with her because if my mother wanted to know anything about me and my life, she would have to learn it from me and not hear it from anyone else. She didn’t get to know me without acknowledging me and my feelings.

Sure, she apologized, but it was empty. It was thrown at me like a chewed-up bone. And I couldn’t understand why after months of this apology, I still couldn’t get over her pushing me out. Then, one day during one of our arguments, she said, ‘Of course I don’t regret anything. I did it for your own good.’ She wasn’t sorry for how she treated me. She didn’t care how much her words and actions hurt me. She said it so that I could get over it and she could get back to who she wanted to be. The apology had nothing to do with me. It was for everyone else, so she could say she had apologized, and I was the unforgiving one.

“Would you like some parmesan?” the server asked. I blinked. I hadn’t realized they’d served the first course. I’d heard the MC introduce the newly married couple, and I’d clapped along with everyone else, but I’d done it all without acknowledging what was happening around me.

Jager grabbed my hand and pulled me closer to him. “Come on. Let’s get out of here.”

“But we haven’t gotten our mains.”

He turned his chair to face me. “Are you going to eat anything tonight?”

I stared at the pile of penne in front of me, and my stomach flipped. I shook my head.

“That’s what I thought. You don’t have to do this to yourself.”

He uncurled my fist, which I hadn’t even realized was curled on my lap in the first place. I stared at my brother and his jaw ticked, but he didn’t say anything. When my mother and I had our falling out, I’d told him he didn’t have to choose between his mother and his sister, so his silence shouldn’t have hurt me. It was hypocritical of me, but it hurt all the same.

“Just say the word, and we’ll leave.”

I looked up at Amy sitting with her groom at the head table. They were lost in each other’s every word. My brother and Lizzie had hardly said a word during the meal, and I had only my mother’s fake laugh ringing in my ears when I realized, what the fuck was I doing sitting here?

I stood up. “Let’s go,” I said.

Jager threw his white napkin onto the table, grabbed my hand, and led me through the other dining tables.

He didn’t stop when we reached the foyer, but a pair of shoes clicked behind us.

“Bianca, wait!”

River.

I turned and faced my brother.

“Where are you going?” he asked.

“I can’t stay there with her for another minute. I’m sorry, River.”

“You have nothing to be sorry about,” Jager said beside me. His voice was deeper, as though he fought back some emotion.

River looked at him, but then put his hand on my shoulder. “I’m sorry. I don’t know how to fix this.”

“I know, and neither do I. But I can’t sit there any longer.”

“I get it. Go.” He squeezed my shoulder, but then dropped his arm.

I nodded, turned around, and didn’t look back.

As the rush of the cold air hit my face, I inhaled the fresh air greedily. It was as though I’d been locked inside a coffin, buried alive in there. I couldn’t breathe, couldn’t see, and couldn’t eat.

I thought facing her would make me stronger, but I felt stronger the further away I was from her. If that made me weak, I didn’t care. I would not allow her to affect me another minute. Not for Amy. Not for River. Not for anyone. I was done trying to make others feel comfortable at my expense.

Jager broke through my mantra. “Where do you want to go?”

“Anywhere but here.”

He stopped and dropped his gaze over my dress. “You look too damn good to go home. How do you feel about a charity gala? My brother Will is hosting one tonight.”

“You don’t have a brother.”

He smiled. “Yes, I do. I have four, actually.”

The load on my chest lightened at his smile, and the pain eased a little. “Well, then I’d love to meet them.”