3

Bianca

It felt like a train steamed through my veins. It raced along my arteries, causing havoc to my lungs and heart. I inhaled sharply through my nose and let it out slowly as I walked toward him.

Lizzie had warned me that he would be coming today. After giving River hell for hiring him behind my back, I practiced what I would say and how I would say it, but nothing prepared me for the real thing. The moment I saw Jager Payne again, everything I’d felt for him came racing back. There was an electrical current that pulled me toward him. It had always been there.

It was still there now.

He looked older…bigger…and if possible, more handsome than I’d remembered. His broad shoulders filled the gray suit jacket. The twenty-year-old boy had become a man. Regardless, that boy had dumped me, left without so much as a ‘thank you very much’. There was no note to explain why he didn’t want to be with me anymore.

But that was then. It was in the past. I could be mature about this.

Steadying my hand, I raised it as I approached him. “Good to see you, Jager,” I said. There. Exactly as I’d rehearsed it. I even managed to smile.

But it faltered when he stared at the hand and then back at me, blinking several times. After some excruciating seconds, he finally shook it.

“I’m happy to see you, too.” He squeezed my hand and for a moment, I was transported back to college and those stolen moments behind a staircase or in an empty corridor. Jager would interlace our fingers, pull me aside, and steal a kiss before anyone could see us.

It seemed romantic at the time. Years later, I wondered if he was just embarrassed to be with me. Fortunately, my self-esteem bounced back, and I decided it was his loss.

“Well, if there’s anything you need,” I said, trying to remember the exact words from last night, “don’t hesitate to ask.”

I turned to leave, inhaling deeply, when he said, “Actually, I do need something from you.”

My heart stopped. I hadn’t planned on him taking me up on my offer. Turning around, I asked in a steady voice. “Pardon?”

“I’m collecting everyone’s thumbprint for the new scanner I’m installing at the entrance. I’d like to start with yours.”

Why did that sound more sensual than it should? Maybe because it was Jager, and we had history, and he always teased me like that.

I shook the nostalgic fog from my brain. “Not a problem. Where do you want me?”

Jager blinked several times.

Wanting to break the awkwardness, I clarified, “Where are you setting up?”

He looked down the hall and then back at Mr. Towers’ office. “Where would you suggest?”

“Well, some people like to book meetings in the small boardroom, but the large boardroom is rarely used. You can set up there.”

“Thanks.” He nodded and moved past me. He seemed eager to get away.

“Don’t you need me to show you where it is?”

He turned back and replied hastily over his shoulder. “No. I’m good. I’ll see you there in ten minutes.”

Huh.

Shrugging it off, I figured someone must have given him a tour already, so I headed back to my office.

Lizzie and Janis followed shortly afterward.

“So, how are you holding up?” asked Lizzie

I looked up from my laptop and tilted my head. “What do you mean?”

She nodded toward the hall. “You know. With Jager being here.”

I waved it off. “It’s fine. We’re both grown adults and have moved on. It was a little awkward at first, but it’s fine. Nothing to worry about. I’m fine.”

“That’s an awful lot of fines,” said Janis, her eyebrows raised a little too high.

“Was it? Well, I guess I’m just anxious to get back to work.” My phone alarm went off. I’d set it for a ten-minute timer. “Shit. I’ve got to go.”

“Where are you going?” asked Lizzie.

“Jager asked me to meet him in the large boardroom in ten minutes.”

“And you set a timer?” asked Lizzie

“What does he want to talk to you about?” Janis asked, a little annoyed. I wasn’t sure if she was put out that I was leaving the conversation so quickly or that I was meeting with Jager and not her.

“You’ll both find out soon. I’ll see you later.”

I rushed down the hall, past Mr. Towers’ office until I reached the boardroom.

In less than ten minutes, Jager had already set up two printers, a scanner, and several other devices.

“It looks like an FBI set-up in here.”

He looked at the tables of equipment. “Yeah. It’s not too far off. But I didn’t have much time.”

As Jager secured some of the wires, I watched him secretly. Careful to keep my looks short but efficient, I noticed that he’d gained several pounds of muscle on his upper body and thighs. He’d always been in shape, but this seemed more calculated. As though those muscles were required rather than just desired.

His light brown hair was shorter. He’d cropped his shoulder-length waves much closer to his scalp with some curls making a subtle appearance near the front. I used to be jealous of those curls, having unmanageable waves myself. His curls always looked effortless while mine looked as though they’d fought through seven levels of humidity hell.

The starkest change I noticed was his eyes. Not the color, of course they were still brown, but the brightness. They used to shine in the dark but now it was as though something or someone had dimmed them. There were light purple circles beneath them and some faint lines around the edges. I thought the change would have made him less attractive, but it was the opposite. Those changes told a story and part of me was desperate to hear it.

As a friend, of course.

“You can take a seat here,” said Jager, pointing to an office chair in front of him.

I straightened my skirt and sat down.

“Great. Now take your thumb and press it into the rectangular glass in front of you.”

I gently touched the glass with my thumb and raised it up for his inspection. “Like that?”

He smiled. “Not quite. You need to press your whole thumb inside. Like this.” He wrapped his fingers over my thumb and nudged it forward, then he pressed it firmly on the glass.

His hand over mine caused the same reaction as earlier. I had to catch my breath as there seemed to be very little air in the room.

“Like that,” he said.

Despite having finished making the thumbprint, Jager’s hand remained on mine. I didn’t pull away, and he didn’t let go.

It was nearly impossible to breathe now. My chest rose and fell with every difficult breath. Jager looked down for a second, but then released me.

I remained seated, waiting for my heart to beat normally again while Jager checked off my name and wrote “complete” next to it. The writing was a bit shaky, but as I recalled, it had always been that way.

“How have you been?” I asked casually, but looked up at him over hooded eyes. He stared at me and that current ripped through my chest. His eyes blazed, sending a heat wave toward me.

“Good,” he answered, but his voice cracked.

Clearing his throat, he said, “That’s everything. Do you mind sending the next employee in?”

He pointed to his list, and I read Lizzie’s name after mine.

Confused as to what had just transpired between us, I stood on shaky legs. “Sure thing.”

I walked down the hall and straight to Lizzie’s office. “Jager wants to see you now in the large boardroom.”

Lizzie’s eyes narrowed. “Is he interrogating us or something?”

Still in a bit of a daze, I asked, “No. Why?”

“Because your neck and face are all red and your eyes are sort of wild.”

Involuntarily, I placed a hand on my collarbone. The flesh was warm. “No. Nothing like that. He hardly said a word.”

Lizzie waggled her brows. “Well, sometimes it only takes a look to get me all hot and bothered.”

“What? No.” I said. “It’s nothing like that. It’s just really warm in that room. Anyway, you better go. He’s got a long list to get through today.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, I’m fine—”

She grinned knowingly.

“I mean, I’m busy and heading back to my office. See you later, Lizzie.”

I heard her giggle as I turned and walked away.

Raising my palms to my cheeks, I realized those were flushed, too.

I had to get a grip before this became an unnecessary embarrassment. Others would start to notice, and I hated other people in my business.

I was worried about seeing him for the first time, and now that was over. We’d been cordial and professional, and I’d get through this next week or two while the police investigated and then go back to my life as I’d done for the last ten plus years.

I could do this.

The pep talk was working. I started to feel better, but I needed a friend’s reassurance.

I opened a chat app on my phone.

‘Hey, having a weird day at work today. Need your help.’

When I didn’t receive a response right away, I put my phone down. But it pinged a couple of minutes later. ‘Sorry. I was just in the middle of something. What’s going on?’

I didn’t want to get into the details, just wanted some reassurance. ‘Feeling a little off balance. Looking for someone to tell me to pull up my big girl panties and get back to work.’

‘lol, you got this. You’re a badass, queen. Don’t let anyone make you feel less than you deserve. Forget about whatever made you feel this way and get your shit done.’

I smiled at the message. It was exactly what I needed to hear. Even though I said something similar to myself, hearing it from Ruby always made me feel better. Ruby wasn’t her real name. I actually didn’t know her real name. I met Ruby, or RubyTuesday98, while at a STIMS video party and we hit it off right away. This happened probably two years ago, and we still hadn’t met. We decided long ago that we preferred anonymity. I could tell Ruby anything and everything, even my worst thoughts, and well, she wouldn’t know it was me, SnowWhite87, if I walked past her at the coffee shop.

It was liberating to be myself without any fear of judgment.

Yet, I couldn’t bring myself to give Ruby the details of what was happening with Jager. That he was back. Not in my life exactly, but part of my day—my thoughts. I didn’t even know how to explain what I was feeling to myself. I was happy to see that he was all right after all these years. I’d heard about his success, but in my mind, it was all just talk until I saw him for myself.

I saw the truth with my own eyes.

He was happy.

He was successful.

He was here.

He wasn’t mine.

That last one I’d been struggling with for a while. But it was true. He was here, and he didn’t try to explain what had happened all those years ago. He was here, but he wasn’t with me.

Being present with him, I realized that he had moved on and made something of himself. Our lives were so very different. Seeing him here, his hand over mine, and he said nothing, finally made me see that it was over. It was truly done. And now, I could finally move on, too.