25

Bianca

Jager watched me as I clasped on my earrings. “You really are stunning—the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.”

This time I didn’t hide my eye roll. “I’m the only woman you’ve seen in a very long time, I suspect.”

“You know that’s not true.”

I laughed. Of course I did, but I loved teasing him. Taking one last look in the mirror and straightening my black leggings beneath my oversized cashmere sweater, I turned to him. “I’m ready.”

He waggled his eyebrows. “So am I.”

“Ah-ah,” I said as he stalked toward me. “You know I wouldn’t get naked after spending this much time getting dressed.

“I promise to make it worth your while.”

I put my hand on his chest. “I’ll hold you to that promise later.”

Reluctantly, he walked with me to the front door and insisted I wait inside the foyer while he brought the car around from the garage so I wouldn’t overtire myself. I told him I was fine but maybe I was feeling a little bit stressed. It probably had more to do with seeing my brother and apologizing for some of the things I’d said the last time we spoke.

As we drove closer to my brother’s house, a headache grew around my temples. Jager reached over and slipped his hand into mine. “There’s no need to be nervous. He loves you.”

“I know. But I also think he’s angry with me. I didn’t say much when he came to the hospital and I’m not sure if he’s hurt by that.”

“You’ll talk about it today and we’ll get through it together. No matter what happens.”

Inhaling deeply, I nodded. “Thank you.”

Staring out the window, I watched as we passed the familiar homes on his street. It was dark outside already, being November, and my brother had the porch lights on.

I pulled my coat closer around my neck and walked beside Jager toward the front door. I pressed the doorbell and waited.

My heart beat steadily in my chest, but my breaths were shallow. I inhaled deeply again and tried to relax.

River opened the door, and I looked up at him with a smile. He was frowning, and his eyes roamed over me. “Bianca.” He pulled me into his arms and pressed me to his chest and wouldn’t let go for several minutes. My breath caught and my chest tightened.

“It’s freezing outside. Let the poor girl in.” Lizzie appeared behind River with her hands on her hips and a smile on her face.

River sniffed and pulled away, looking in the opposite direction. Lizzie pulled me in for a hug and I couldn’t see if emotions had gotten the best of River or I’d been mistaken.

“Come in, come in,” said Lizzie, pulling me inside by the hand. “River made spaghetti with meatballs and the pasta’s almost ready.”

River greeted Jager behind me. “Let me take your coats.”

I looked around. The place looked tidier. River’s hockey magazines were no longer strewn across the living room floor and the old torn up armchair was gone. In its place was a modern silver chair with a blue pillow and a yellow blanket over the armrest.

“I like what you’ve done with the place,” I said.

Lizzie looked at River and then back at me, and she smiled. “I moved in a few days ago and brought a couple of pieces from my place here.”

Lizzie’s smile faltered, and she played with her necklace. “We wanted to tell you, but you weren’t feeling…”

I put my hand up. “Don’t worry about it. I think it’s great.”

“We haven’t touched your room, of course. Everything is still how you left it.”

“And we want you to come home whenever you’re ready,” said River.

I nodded, unsure if the swelling in my chest had to do with the way they both still wanted me here or that they no longer needed me, and perhaps I was more in the way than not.

“Did you say the pasta’s ready?” I asked. “Let’s go to the kitchen.”

I followed the smell of River’s tomato sauce. He had cooked the last time we spoke, and it didn’t end well. I wanted tonight to be different, though.

“It smells delicious,” I said.

“I tried something new this time,” said River with a wink.

“Oh, really?”

“Lizzie suggested some braised beef in the sauce for added flavor, and I think it really works.”

River plated our dishes, and Lizzie placed them on the table. Jager looked over at me, but I didn’t meet his eyes. I didn’t want him to see the mixed emotions in mine.

“Bon appétit,” said River, watching me cautiously as he twirled his spaghetti.

Neither of us used spoons. It was sacrilegious in our household to do so. So, I stuck my fork in my dish and twirled it against the side of the plate, forming a perfect funnel of spaghetti. Slowly, I raised the fork to my mouth and closed my lips over the saucy steel.

A rich, meaty flavor hit my tongue, and I knew instantly this was so much better than my mother’s recipe. I chewed slowly until every morsel was absorbed and swallowed. Then I picked up my napkin and cleaned my lips. River and Lizzie watched me carefully. River hadn’t even taken a bite of his pasta yet.

“So?” he asked. “What do you think?”

“It tastes nothing like the sauce we were raised to make.”

“I know. It’s not typical—“ began Lizzie, but I interrupted her.

“It’s so much better,” I said and smiled.

Lizzie’s face lit up and River’s smile filled his whole face. “It’s pretty good, huh?”

“I hope you know I’m stealing this recipe.” I stuck my fork back on my plate and twirled another mouthful.

I felt Jager’s hand on my knee as he squeezed it under the table.

The rest of the dinner went amicably well. We talked a little about what had happened, but no one wanted to dwell on it much, especially me. We also talked about some of the homes Jager and I looked at. I told them there was one in particular I really liked. River’s face faltered a bit when I mentioned moving to a new place, but he nodded even if he pressed his lips together while doing so.

After dinner, we all helped clear the table when Lizzie put her hand on my shoulder. “Why don’t you and River take a seat in the living room? Jager and I’ve got this.”

River looked at me with a question in his eyes, and I nodded. “Sure. I think that’s a good idea.”

I sat on Lizzie’s new chair and wiggled in it to get comfortable. “The old chair was ugly, but man was it comfortable.”

“Right?” laughed River and continued to stare at me. “I’ve really missed you.”

“I’ve missed you, too.”

“Look, B. I want to apologize for the things I said before.”

I shook my head. “No. I need to apologize.”

“Please. Let me go first.” He inhaled and exhaled slowly. “I want you to know I’m not saying this because of what happened at the pier. I regretted my words the moment you walked out that door, but my pride held me back, and for that I’m sorry, too.”

I nodded and reached out to hold his hand.

“You were right. I never saw it as competing with you, but it made me feel good when mom would praise my actions while disapproving of yours and it made me want to please her more. I thought I was being a good son, but in reality, it made me a shitty brother.”

“You were never a shitty brother. She should never have put us against each other. You were only doing what you thought was expected of you. I realize that now.”

He nodded. “And you’re not ungrateful. You’re strong and brave, and sometimes I envied your distance from her while resenting the rift in our family. It was all very confusing.”

“I know. I get it.”

“And mostly, I regret asking you to leave. I never meant for good, even when I’d said it in anger. I never wanted you to move out. Even with Lizzie moving in, it doesn’t mean you have to leave. I want you to stay.”

“I know that, too. But it really is time for me to get my own place. I need to do it for myself. I’ve wanted it for so long.”

He squeezed my hand and let it go, rubbing his sweaty palms over his jeans. “I understand.”

“I also need to apologize, River. I was so angry at you, but I never should have said those things. Whenever we fight, I think of her and all I see is red. I think sometimes everything I want to say to her, I say to you, and that’s unfair.”

“I heard you went by to talk to her. How did it go?”

I tilted my head and scoffed. “How do you think it went?”

“Well, it sounds like nothing new came from it.”

“I thought that too, but I think I finally discovered something.”

“What’s that?”

“It’s really over between us. No matter how many times we try to fix this, it gets worse. Maybe the two of us will never get along, and at this point, I’m okay with that. I’m not going to feel guilty about it, either. Maybe in the distant future we can have a relationship, but I’m not thinking about it. I’m letting my anger and frustration go. I won’t feel like there’s anything more I can do or that I’ve done something wrong. I’ve tried my best, but we just don’t see things the same way and I believe we never will. I hope you don’t hate me for that.”

“I don’t hate you, B. I never could. I’m proud of you. And if distance is what you need, I’ll never mention her to you again until you’re ready. Besides, we sort of had an argument ourselves and we’re not exactly on speaking terms right now.”

In the past, I thought my brother fighting with my mom would validate me, but it only made me sad. I knew what that did to a person, and I didn’t want that for my brother.

“I’m sorry,” I said and pulled him in for a hug. He squeezed me tighter and sniffed. Tears welled up in my eyes, but I brushed them away when I finally pulled back.

“Oh, before I forget. I owe you something,” said River, standing from the couch. He walked over to his room and came back holding a piece of paper.

When he handed it to me, I took it carefully. My name was scrawled on top in familiar handwriting. It wasn’t River’s; it was Jager’s.

“I should have given this to you a long time ago.”

I held the note in my hand, and my heart raced. I didn’t know if I should read it now or never. I decided I’d read it later when I was alone.

“Thank you,” I said.

I tucked the note inside my purse and rejoined River, Lizzie, and Jager in the kitchen.

We ate dessert and laughed at Lizzie’s imitation of River’s football rituals on Sunday. All the while, I wondered what was inside that letter.

On the way home, Jager turned to me. “You’ve been awfully quiet tonight. Did it not go well with River?”

“No. It was great. We both got a lot off our chest, I think. It felt very healing.”

“That’s good.”

After a few seconds of silence, he added, “Then what’s bothering you?”

I didn’t know why I held back. I was worried there would be something in that letter that would upset me or ruin what we had going on right now. “River gave me something tonight. Something he should have given me more than a decade ago.”

“What was it… wait,” he turned to look at me. His face was cautious, but his eyes were wide.

“He gave me your letter.”

Jager turned back to look at the road and exhaled loudly. “Wow. I can’t believe he kept it this long.”

I looked down at the letter inside my purse. “Me neither.”

“Have you read it?”

I shook my head. “Not yet.”

“Why not?”

“I wanted to be alone when I did.”

He nodded, and then remained quiet the entire way back to his place. After he opened the door and let me in, I turned to him. “Is everything alright with you?”

“Yeah. Yeah, of course.”

I took off my coat, and he hung it in his closet. “I guess I’m just nervous.”

“About what?”

“If the letter is good enough. I was only twenty and not very good at expressing myself. What if it won’t measure up?”

“I never gave it another thought other than I wished I had read it.”

He nodded. “Well, you better get to it. I’ll wait here in the dining room.”

Jager walked away, and despite my desire to follow him, I turned and went into the bedroom. I sat on the black satin comforter and opened his letter:

Dear Bumblebee,

I’ve been a jerk, I know. By the time you read this whole letter, you’ll think I'm an even bigger jerk.

I’ve been distant these past few days because I’ve been struggling with a decision. I thought I was being loyal to a friend, but I realized not being with you would be my biggest regret in life.

I’m sorry that I chose him for even a day. I’m sorry I was too weak to stand up for us and lose him if it meant gaining you. I’m sorry that I ever hurt you, made you doubt me, and doubt yourself. I’m sorry that I wasn’t the person you thought I was. I disappointed you and myself. And if you could ever forgive me, I would spend the rest of my life proving to you that I am worthy of your love.

I would be with you now, but I’ve made a big mistake. I’ve gotten into some trouble and I don’t know when I’ll be back home. I know I shouldn’t ask this of you, but if you feel the same way… wait for me. I will come back to you, I promise. If you want me, there’s nothing that will keep me from you. Here’s the address where they’ll be keeping me. If you still love me after all of this, write to me. I know I don’t deserve you, but I hope in time I’ll prove that I do.

Yours forever,

Jager

A tear fell from my cheek onto the lined paper. I imagined how alone he must have felt when I didn’t respond. How many days did he wait until he figured I didn’t love him? How unloved and unwanted he must have felt.

Tear after tear fell, and I didn’t bother to wipe them. I was overwhelmed with emotions from the past. Still a little angry at River for holding this letter, and angry at myself for not asking more questions instead of thinking Jager never loved me.

I left the note on the bedside table and walked over to the dining room. Jager sat in front of his laptop, his arms crossed, staring at the screen.

“Can we talk?” I asked, “Or are you in the middle of something?”

“Not at all. I’ve been staring at the screen but thinking of you the whole time.”

“Do you remember what you wrote?”

“Every word. I ran them through my mind day after day, wondering if I’d said something different if it would have changed your mind.”

“I’m sorry.”

He shook his head. “You didn’t know about the note. There’s nothing for you to apologize for.”

“I’m sorry you thought I didn’t love you. I’m sorry you thought you weren’t worth waiting for.” I crossed over and placed my hand on his cheek. “I would have waited forever for you.”

Jager closed his eyes. His jaw ticked, and he breathed heavily through his nostrils. He opened his mouth to speak, but shut it quickly.

“I love you, Jager. I always have.” I kissed him softly on his lips as they trembled. “I always will.”

He squeezed his eyes and jutted his chin up. “I can’t tell you how much those words mean to me.”

I kissed him softly. Then he lifted me onto his waist and stared into my eyes. “I love you so much it hurts. There’s an ache in my chest whenever I see you frown or when I think you’re sad or disappointed. I don’t care anymore about that letter. All that matters now is that I have you.”

I pressed my lips to his and kissed him harder this time with all the passion I felt inside. The longing of a teenager and the desire of a woman. “You may not have known it, and neither did I, but my soul knew you’d come back to me and that I should wait for you.”

“I found you, even when I didn’t know it was you. You were always meant to be in my life. Now I promise to keep it that way.”

I smirked. “Speaking of promises…you mentioned taking care of me earlier?”

He groaned. “I thought you’d never ask.”