Chapter Five

Collette

I toss and turn all night long in a flurry of fantasies and nightmares. One sleep cycle I’m back in Max’s arms, breathing in the scent of the forest. The next, I’m running from a pack of wolves trying not to trip.

I figure that’s what happens when you’re a big, fat, giant liar. But at this point, I’m so far in I’m not sure what else to do. I can’t call him up and say ‘hey, you know that baby I’m pretending doesn’t exist, yeah… that’s yours.’

Well, I could but what good would that do? The truth is still the same. Max’s life is complicated and with this new MC thing and all the weird bounty shit going on, I don’t want a baby wrapped up in that. I want an oblivious little life on the west end of the mountain where bounties don’t come through and the neighbors are nice and friendly.

I roll up from the mattress and hold my back as I waddle into the bathroom to pee. This is my life now, peeing eighteen times a night and snacking between hormone fluctuations. At least I had an orgasm earlier. There’s at least that silver lining.

It’s still dark but you can see the sun starting to peek over the horizon. I could go back to sleep, but I have to be at work in an hour anyway, so I decide to shower and dress instead. The less weird wolf chasing dreams the better. That, and I should call my mom. She’s usually up this time of morning and I bet she could use some company. She says the early mornings and late nights are the worst for her depression. I could see that. It’s been devastating to lose my father. We were close. I mean really close. He’s the one that gave me my love of math and science and he always made an effort to involve my sisters and I in everything, but my mom, by far, has it the worst.

They shared a life together of sixty plus years. They were best friends, and now, he’s just gone.

The phone rings once and she answers right away. “Hey, sweetheart! You’re up early.” She sounds so happy to hear from me. I should make an effort to call more in the morning.

“Yeah,” I sigh, “weird dreams. How are you? Anything fun happening today?”

“Not much, just watching the news and getting my steps in. I think I might pop by the grocery store later and grab some new tongs. The old ones are looking pretty rough.”

“Tongs?”

“Yeah, like the salad things. You know, to scoop the salad with.”

“Oh no. I know what tongs are. I’m just surprised you’re making a special trip out for some.”

She laughs. “Not much else to do, and it gets me out. I’ll run into folks at the store, then maybe stop by the bakery. I haven’t seen it since the boys finished with the remodel after that bear did all that damage. Have you heard anything on that?”

“Just that they relocated her up in Canada. I think they have tags on her now. You can watch updates on the website for the town.”

“Oh, I didn’t know that. That’s neat. You’ll have to show me how that works. Anyway, how are you feeling?”

I straighten. “What? Good. Why wouldn’t I be feeling good?” God, I couldn’t sound more guilty.

“Oh, I don’t know. Just thought I’d check. I remember when I was pregnant, I felt sick all the time.”

“What?” I swallow the lump in my throat. It’s one thing to keep things from your mom. It’s another to lie to her.

“Well, honey, you’re clearly pregnant. When were you going to tell me?”

“I don’t know… never.” I laugh. “I mean… it’s embarrassing.”

“Why? You’re bringing life into the world. We’re excited for you. We love you! We want to celebrate.”

“Well, thank you, but it’s embarrassing because the father is… not here, and because… I don’t know…” I burst into tears. Ugh, I can’t wait for these hormones to level out again. “I don’t know. I just… I don’t know. I’m sorry. I’m so emotional lately. It’s horrid.”

“It’s okay. It’s all part of the process. Who is he… the father?”

I stare blankly ahead, chewing on my bottom lip. It’s too early for this conversation. I love my mother, but I wonder if I could hang up and convince her this has all been a dream.

Gaslighting my mom first thing in the morning… wow! I’m really not going to be good at parenting. What will I teach my child? How to lie, steal, cheat? Maybe I’ll throw breaking and entering into the mix for fun. I can’t believe I’m giving Max a hard time.

“You don’t have to tell me, dear. Take your time. I’m just glad you’re not denying it anymore. You know I’m here to support you with whatever you need. Are you doing okay? You have enough to eat? I can make dinner tonight and bring it over to you.”

A warm dinner sounds wonderful, and one of Mom’s warm dishes sounds even better. She makes the best lasagna and even better homemade rolls. That and I’d bet it would give her a huge amount of purpose to do this for me, or at least that’s what I tell myself as I beg her for bread.

“Yeah. Maybe… you could make that—”

“Let me guess. You want lasagna and garlic rolls?”

My cheeks heat. It’s really nice when your mom still knows you so well, even after you’ve been a jerk, moved away, and kept secrets for nearly a year.

“We could put together the swing too. I have to get to that still.”

Her tone perks as she says, “Yes! I’d love that! Do you know what you’re having?”

“A girl.”

She squeals. “A name?”

“Nothing yet, but I have a list.”

“Oh, honey. I couldn’t be happier. We should have a shower for you. Your sisters would love that. We could throw something together next weekend and have it at the park, maybe. It’s finally starting to warm up.”

“Anything sounds nice,” I say, sighing with a bit of relief. At least part of the lie is over. My Mom knows about my pregnancy.

That said, I’m still hiding who the father is, and though there are a lot of six and a half foot men on Rugged Mountain, none of them look quite as brooding as Max. What if this baby doesn’t take after me? What if she doesn’t have blonde hair and blue eyes? What if she’s built like a biker with dark features and comes born with sleeves of tattoos?

My heart pounds at the thought of it all. She’d be beautiful, but everyone would know for sure that Max was her father, and then what?

I’m not even sure anymore why I didn’t tell him to begin with. I know deep down he’d be a good father, but his job scares the hell out of me. Every day I spent with him I wondered if it would be the last.

I don’t want that for my daughter. I don’t want her to fall in love with him, like I have, only to lose him someday. It’s best to keep the line severed, to never know, to keep him a mystery, because a mystery man can never hurt us.