Chapter Seven

Iris

"I want to fuck him so bad," I whisper into the phone as I lift Sienna from her crib. Thank God she doesn't understand English yet or I'd be a terrible auntie.

"You two are crazy. Maybe you deserve each other." Collette laughs as she fiddles with something metallic in the background.

"What are you doing?"

"Sorry. I'm putting together a crib. What are you going to do?"

For a second, I feel bad. I know Collette has her own world of issues going on. She's in love with one man, and pregnant by another. It's a mess. "I told you I'd help with that when I got back into town. How are you feeling?"

"Terrible heartburn this afternoon, so I'm eating crackers and pretending they're ice cream sandwiches. Have you had an ice cream sandwich lately? They're good. Like really good."

"I haven't, but I meant how are you emotionally? You sounded kind of shaken earlier and we never really talked about it."

"Oh, I'm fine. You know… just trying to figure out my life. I wish Dad were here. He'd figure out my math for me."

"That always puzzled me about you."

"What?"

"How you're so good at figuring everyone else's life out, but you struggle with your own."

The metal clanking continues. "I know what I need to do, but I can't pull the trigger. Does that make sense?"

I don't know, but I say I do anyway. "Sure. Well, I can help you with your math."

She laughs. "Really? That sounds great. Let's hear it."

"Well… you love Max. You've always loved him. If you were being true to yourself, you'd have stayed with him, and you'd probably be having his baby right now. At least to me, the math says you should call him."

"What if he rejects me?" she says, her voice shaking. I don't think I've ever heard Collette's voice shake. "I'm six months pregnant with another man's baby. I'm pretty sure that variable removes all my odds for success. It's a zero sum game, Iris."

My stomach turns as I contemplate my next words carefully. There's a lot of pressure in giving people advice. "The math on that is simple. Max loves you. He's always loved you. Trust in that."

"Blind faith in something that can end miserably isn't really mathematically sound," she says with a small chuckle.

"I guess." I rock Sienna on my chest as I sneak out of the bedroom quietly.

"I have to say, though, you might have a chance to test your theory."

"What do you mean?" The light in the hallway is dim and I walk forward avoiding the spots on the steps that creek, though I doubt I'll miss them all.

"Well, your hormones are taking over."

"Did I say something about hormones?"

"Not directly, but it got me thinking. Maybe you two should have sex and get it out of your systems. I doubt you'll feel the same afterward. I know it's worked for me a few times. All these endorphins cloud things. Give them a release and see what happens."

"So… you're giving me permission to have sex with him? Are you okay? Do you need help?"

She laughs. "Permission implies I have control. I don't. I'm just using your own advice back on you."

"I didn't tell you to sleep with Max."

"No, you reminded me that there was love there at one point, and that I should explore that thought. You and Cooper love each other. Explore it in a way that you can manage. You don't want regrets like me."

My heart aches for Collette. I know she's in a tough spot and I want to fix it for her. "I love you. I'll be back tomorrow night. We'll finish that crib and this conversation. You go take a bath or watch TV and relax."

"Call me after you fuck him." I can hear her grin through the phone.

The baby coos and I bounce her gently against my chest before saying my goodbyes and hanging up the line.

I know that wasn't real permission, but at least she gave me some advice that I want to hear. Fuck him. Get it out of my system. Maybe there's something to that. Maybe we've both been amped with hormones for years and we've been holding each other back from living a full life because of it. Maybe, we just need to do it and we'll both feel better and the whole telling Bryan thing won't matter because we'll immediately have the ick.

I carry Sienna downstairs, holding the railing as I walk. She's so tiny in my arms and she smells like cotton and baby powder. What is it about babies that smells so good? It's like their skin hasn't been permeated with the stench of bad decisions yet.

Cooper is at the base of the stairs holding a bottle in his giant hand. His baseball cap is turned back, and he's oozing machismo. "I can take her."

Given the fact that I'm dying to see this massive man hold this small baby, I hand her over, all while hoping I can keep my ovaries from screaming.

God, why does he look so good holding her in his arms?He's so big and rough, and she's so soft and gentle. It's sweet. He's sweet. He wanted to hold this baby. He wanted to feed her. He tips the bottle up and sits on the couch. "How's the copy? Still sleeping?"

"Yeah. Apparently, she sleeps through the night now. It's her sister that's a pain in the butt."

Cooper laughs and glances toward me. "I'm glad she woke up. I like seeing you with her. You'll make a good mom."

My heart does the crunchy, crushy thing, and my neck breaks out into a warm prickle. "Thanks. You, too. You're really good with her."

Sienna sucks down eight ounces in a matter of minutes and Cooper lifts her onto his shoulder to burp. His big hand rubs over her back and he taps over and over again until finally she releases the air she's been holding. Spit up rolls onto his back and soaks through his t-shirt. He laughs and hands her back to me.

"I guess that's why I should have a towel." He strips off his shirt and sits back onto the couch.

I try not to look, though I'm not sure why. His fingers have been inside of me and it's clear that we both know what we want, but not looking makes me feel in control, and feeling in control makes me feel like there's an actual decision to be made.

Turns out, there's not, and the control I'm speaking of doesn't actually exist.

I hold Sienna in my arms, bouncing her gently as I stare toward my brother's best friend, wishing I could run my fingers through the hair on his solid chest.

He's gorgeous, big, covered in ink, and he smells like the forest after a gentle rain.

My thighs ache and my ovaries tempt me again.

"I heard you talking up there. Are Bryan and Shanna awake?"

"Oh, no," I whisper. "That was Collette."

"More advice?"

I bite back a smile. "Maybe."

"How'd it go?"

"Well, she thinks we are hormone crazy and maybe we should…" I tip my head to the side. "Ya know… do it. Get it out of our system."

He grins. "I hate this advice less than the last round, but that still doesn't get me what I want."

"What do you want?"

"I want you for more than tonight, Iris. I want this. Middle of the night feedings and late-night conversations. Fucking you isn't a cure for that. It's only going to make the yearning worse."

"Couldn't hurt anything to try, though. Right?"

"Your virginity. You really want to lose that to me?"

I step toward him, Sienna between us. God, I want this. I want this so bad. I want my own child, a little cabin, late nights, and I want the two of us standing in the warmth of a fireplace with desperation under our skin forever.

"I told you my virginity is for you, Cooper. I love you, and no matter what happens between us, that doesn't change."

He leans down and kisses my lips gently, then the top of my head. "I don't have protection."

"We don't need it."

"Well… we don't know what we're doing yet. So technically, we do."

There are a million things rolling through my mind. Ruining my relationship with Bryan, my mom hating me, Cooper losing his second family, and possibly his work here on the mountain. But still, all I want is to be as close to Cooper as possible.

"I'm okay with no condom if you are. I need to lay Sienna down. Meet me upstairs in like five minutes."

"Upstairs? We'll wake Bryan and Shanna. We should stay down here."

"Where?"

"It's a warm night. We could start a fire and lay out on the beach. It's private so we shouldn't be bothered. It's only ten feet from the house so we can still hear the baby monitor and get back inside if the girls need us."

I drag in a deep breath and smile, my clit aching for whatever comes next.