Chapter 8

CHAPTER 8

Nicky

T he pound on my door has me dragging my ass out of bed. I'm pretty sure it's Riff coming to give me food and ream me out again for working too hard and not giving Joe any of my time. I haven't been working hard; in fact, I've barely been working at all these last three days. I've just been using it as an excuse to stay locked in this room all day. I've been locked away because I don't want to be around anyone. I'm hurting, and where my sister likes to surround herself with people when she's upset, I like to be alone. I like to nurse my wounds in private and cry my ugly tears without anyone here to witness them.

I throw a sweatshirt over my head because I'm in the same clothes I was in for the last two days and I don't want Riff to start becoming suspicious that something's going on with me. I check my face in the mirror just to make sure I don't look like a total wreck before I turn to go open the door. Thankfully, I just woke up from a nap, so the sadness hasn't had a chance to seep in yet, but as soon as I'm done with Riff, I'll be a ball of mess again.

I pull the door open, with a fake smile set in place, but as soon as I see who it is, it falls. The tears instantly fill my eyes, and I'm pulled into strong arms. The arms I've been missing for the last three days. Trigger pushes us inside my room and just holds me while I cry my eyes out. I should be pushing him away right now. I should be telling him to go. But I can't. I've missed him so much and I need him. For three days, I've been broken. For three days, I've been in the most severe pain of my life. And for three days, I've been wishing he'd come back to me. He's here now, and even though I don't know for how long, I don't care. I'll take whatever I can get.

"Aw, babe." His sweet voice has me latching onto him tighter. I'm lifted in the air and carried over to my bed. He takes a seat on the end and places me on his lap, cradling me in his arms. "I'm so sorry I left, baby. Everything I said, the way I behaved, I'm sorry for all of it." He hugs me tighter, like he's afraid I'll disappear. "I was scared, baby. I am scared. I want us so bad, and yet, I feel like there's still a chance you'll walk away. And instead of pushing past my fears, I tried to run from them. I was hoping you'd chase me down, but what I realize is that you're the one who needs to be chased. Your fears are still holding you back and I need to be helping you through them instead of selfishly succumbing to my own."

I shake my head as another wave of emotion crashes into me. How can one man be so amazing? He's so loving and honest and kind. And he's right: my fears are holding me back. But that's only because I have the same fear as him. I don't want to lose him. Because if I do, I'll never be the same again. These last three days are enough to show me exactly what it feels like when the one you're madly in love with walks away. It felt like I was in mourning. Like I'd suffered a death and the future was never going to look as bright without that person in the world anymore. Without him by my side.

"Babe, talk to me. Tell me what you're thinking. I'm dying here." His strained voice has me looking up and I see the tears in his eyes. He's hurting, just like me. I need to tell him. He needs to know my why.

"I was there, Trigger. The day my mom decided she could no longer handle the pain. I was the one who found her." His arms tighten their embrace and the comfort his strength provides allows me to find the courage to continue. "She had been crying for days, the endless sobs drifting from her room day and night, and nothing Joe or I said or did helped. Then one day, I heard the bath running. It was the first time she'd gotten out of bed by herself, without one of us dragging her, so I had a glimmer of hope that maybe she was finally starting to turn a corner. That maybe she was going to realize that Joe and I needed her and still loved her even if he didn't."

I have to stop as the image of what happened next comes flooding back to me. It's been a while since I've seen it. Ever since Trigger came into my life, it stopped entering my mind every day. I used to have to drown myself in my work to get it to stop playing on repeat. But with Trigger, it just faded away. It wasn't as if I'd forgotten, it was exactly what he'd said. I was making new memories and finally living in the moment and not in the past.

"An hour passed," I tell him, trying to hold steady as I continue to trek down memory lane. "Finally, I decided to go check on her and see if she was hungry or needed a hug, or maybe wanted to come down and have dinner with us. But when I went in, she didn't answer. And when I walked into the bathroom, I realized why. She was gone. The pain of my father's betrayal killed her and not even the love Joe and I had for her was enough to live for. I had to sit with her until they came and took her away from me. I was alone in that bathroom, hating my father for what he did. And hating myself for not checking on her sooner and fighting harder for her."

The tears spill down my cheeks as I think about all the choices I made that day, and how I wished I'd never left her side. She told us she wanted to be alone, but I shouldn't have listened.

"That's why, Trigger. That's why it's so hard for me. I'm scared to give in because I'm terrified to let someone have that much control over my emotions. I'm terrified of what would happen if I ever lost you. For any reason. Because I believe you when you say you would never cheat on me. I know what kind of man you are. There's no doubt in my mind how good you are and that I can trust you. But infidelity isn't the only way you lose someone. And that's what has me terrified."

The truth is finally set free, and now he knows why I've been holding back.

"God, babe. I'm so damn sorry." He pulls me even closer and gives me the comfort I've needed for years. The comfort my father should have given me and Joe but was too busy giving it to his girlfriend to care. "You have to know it wasn't your fault, Nick. That it wasn't because you didn't do enough. She was sick, babe. And you and Joe did nothing wrong."

"Yeah." I nod against his chest. "My therapist finally got me to stop blaming myself for my actions. But I still can't stop blaming my dad. He showed up to our graduation with the woman he'd had the affair with. It hadn't even been a month since Mom's funeral and he was acting as if life couldn't get any better. Meanwhile, Joe and I were struggling, and life sucked back then. And no thanks to him, we got through it together, and found our way out of the dark fog. Then when I met you, all the clouds still lingering in my sky disappeared. And the sky has never shined so bright. But over the last few days, my world grew dark again, Trigger. It felt like I was right back in that moment and it scared me."

"Shit, babe. I'm so sorry. I never should have left. I didn't know what you were struggling with. Now that I do, I won't make the same mistake twice. I promise, baby."

I know he won't. But all the promises in the world can't stop happenstance. Sometimes life takes the ones we love from us early, like in a car accident, or a heart attack, or in a carjacking that no one in a million years saw coming. And the ones left behind are the ones who suffer. Are the ones who have to live day in and day out with the pain.

"Yeah, but what if something happens to you? Something out of your control. How am I supposed to go on?"

He sits back and holds my cheeks, looking at me with so much warmth in his eyes. I can tell he's struggling for an answer, struggling to find the right words to soothe my soul and erase my fears, but what can he truly say? No one can really promise their future, because the path before them is unknown.

The look in his eyes changes, as if a light bulb just clicked on.

"Will you come somewhere with me, babe?"

I'm surprised by his urgent question, but I nod. "Yeah, but would it be okay if I showered first? It's been a few days and I kind of stink." He cracks a sweet smile and nods.

"You think I could join you, baby girl? I kind of need to be near you right now."

I don't even hesitate. I need him too. I stand, grabbing his hand and lead him into the bathroom. We strip out of our clothes and step into the shower. And as the steam begins to surround us, so does the love. He doesn't stop looking into my eyes, even as he washes my body. His touch is sweet and reverent. Not at all sexual, and I appreciate the moment with him more than he could ever know. And when I'm all clean, he holds me under the warm spray and whispers his love and devotion to me until the water runs cold and we're forced to get out.

I'm a bit surprised when we pull into a driveway and he tells me how this is his mom's home. I'm not sure where I thought he was taking me, but to meet his mom hadn't exactly crossed my mind.

"She's going to love you, babe. You have nothing to be nervous about." He reaches over and releases my bottom lip from under my teeth. I am nervous. Meeting his mom is a big deal. It makes us feel so official, but is that the right move? Should we be doing this right now, when I just got done confessing my fears about the future? For whatever reason, this is important to him though, so I take his hand as he reaches to help me down from his truck.

"Connor!" His mom practically shouts from the door. I turn to him and smile. It's the first time I'm hearing him called by his given name. I like it. He does look like a Connor Jordan Shaw.

"Oh my gosh! Do I finally get to meet her?" she practically squeals as she rushes over.

I guess Trigger has told his mom about me. And she's excited, which is a good sign.

"Yeah, Ma. This is her. Nichole, this is my mom, Marianne. Ma, this is Nicky, my girl."

"Aw." She smiles at her son, and then reaches for me and brings me in for a hug. "I'm so happy to finally meet you. My boy has been telling me all about you and I've been waiting for the day to thank the girl who brought him fully back to me." She pulls back, giving me the warmest smile. "I also want to thank you for coming up with the Ox. That toy has changed my widowed life."

Oh. My. Gosh. I don't know whether to giggle or hide my face, which I can feel turning red with embarrassment. I guess Trigger has told her everything because it sounds like she's been on my website and has placed an order.

"Mom, no. Please. I can't be knowing this stuff. You can talk about my girl's business with her when I'm not around, okay?"

She laughs and waves him off. "Fine. I'll spare your prude little ears, but all I can say is your girl is a genius."

"I know she is, Ma." He smiles, giving me a wink.

We walk into the house and instantly I'm flooded with feelings of love and warmth. Pictures of their family are everywhere, and in every single one there is the portrait of true love. I'm not sure how Marianne can look at them and not get choked up, because the tears are already stinging my eyes. This was a very happy family before her husband was taken from her.

"He was so hot, wasn't he?"

She points to the picture I'm staring at and smiles so brightly. Trigger grumbles in the background about remembering his sensitive ears and she just laughs him off.

"Yeah," I nod. "I can see where Trigger got his looks from." He's a spitting image of his dad.

"Yep. He also got his stubbornness from him as well."

To this I laugh, and to this Trigger grumbles once again.

"Why don't you go on and get your girl a drink and pull out the cookies while I get to know Nicky better?"

He leans over and gives me a kiss then heads to the kitchen. His mom takes my hand and drags me to the couch. She immediately starts asking all the typical get-to-know-you questions. And once she's taken her turn, I do the same. I learn all about how she and Grant, Trigger's dad, met. I learn all about their life and the family they built. She tells me every sweet story, with a smile on her face and a gleam in her eye. And even when she begins talking about losing him, she's still smiling, although maybe it's a watery one, but she still is. I'm not sure how she can even get through the story, telling me all about the dreams they'd had but never got to share, but she does.

"How is it so easy for you to talk about him? I still struggle talking about my mom."

She reaches out and grips my hand. "I'm sorry, sweetheart. Connor told me about your loss and I'm sorry that you lost your mom at such a young age." Her kindness is so genuine even though we just met, and now I know exactly where her son got that big, soft heart of his.

"The reason I love talking about Grant is because I want him to live on in memory. He was an incredible man and we had the best life together. And sharing the stories is like living them all over again. Not a day goes by that I don't thank the heavens for all the moments I got to spend with him, and sharing them with others is how I show my appreciation. How I keep the love we have alive."

And now I get it. Now, I understand why Trigger wanted to bring me here. His parents had a marriage written in books and it ended much too soon. But instead of being miserable and writing herself a tragic ending, she has written herself a happy one. One where even after death, their love story still lives on. The woman before me is happy and thankful for what she had, and now she's thankful to keep living and enjoying life to its absolute fullest so she can honor her husband's memory. And like she said, keep their love alive. Trigger brought me here to show me what no words could. Happiness can still exist even after a great loss.

The afternoon passes so fast and when it's time for us to head out so Trigger's mom can get to her Bunko game, I'm sad to leave. I loved talking to her. More so, I loved watching them together. Seeing Trigger with his mom just makes me love the man that much more. He's a big softy and treats his mother well and you can see how close they are.

She pulls me in for one final hug and whispers a message only meant for my ears. "My boy loves you with all his heart, but if you're not ready, please don't lead him on. That's all I ask. I don't want him to get his hopes up for a future he's not going to have. I don't want him to get hurt. But if you love him as much as I know he loves you, then I can guarantee you two are going to have the kind of love that lasts more than a lifetime."

I nod and hug her tightly, letting her know that I've heard every word, and then I step aside so she can give her son a hug. There is no denying how much love she has for him. And there is no way I'm going to ignore her request. If I'm not ready, then I need to walk away.