22

nikolai

BEFORE I WAS with Dmitri, I used to do things to myself.

I never left visible marks, not ones in places anyone would see, because that would destroy me as a piece of merchandise to be enjoyed, and I knew better than to do that. If I did that to myself, if I permanently scarred myself, I'd be useless, and the people I worked for had no problem disposing of worthless, useless pieces of merchandise.

That didn't always mean being killed either. They had worse places to throw used-up investments. There were whispers of real Hostel -type places, where rich men paid money to be allowed to carve people up. I didn't know if that was real. I never wanted to find out.

So, I wouldn't call myself a cutter or something.

But… there would come a time, when the pressure would get really bad, and there was only one way to release it and that was self-harm.

I wanted to do it right then, and I hadn't wanted to do it in a long time.

But I could feel it welling up inside me, the need to punish myself for my own fucking stupidity. How had I trusted anyone at all? How had I thought these spoiled, stupid, pretty princes ever cared about me? How had I given myself to them, more than just my body, but my heart and my soul? I'd loved them.

What kind of idiot was I?

I paced in my room, forcing myself to think about packing instead. Maybe I shouldn't pack anything. All of this—the clothes, the electronics, the shoes, all of it—was given to me by Dmitri.

But fuck that, I was taking it.

Call it payment for being the princes' whore.

I slammed crumpled shirts into a suitcase, thinking about places I could burn myself where no one would see, thinking about burning the roof of my mouth with a lighter or maybe my tongue.

"You could do it somewhere visible this time," I breathed into the suitcase. "You could make scars all up and down this body of yours. It's your fucking body, you know. Yours."

I knew how it would feel. I knew there would be a sweetness at the moment of the pain, an intensity, a release. The healing later, it sucked, but the moment, it was like letting out enough steam to stop an explosion. It was necessary, and if I held it in, I didn't know what I might do.

It was my own fault. I deserved it.

There was no one else to blame.

Stupid, so stupid, let my guard down.

Hot tears burned the back of my eyes, and I hated myself for being weak enough to cry.

There was a knock at my door.

I stiffened, straightening up.

"Nik?" It was Johannes's voice.

"Go away, Johannes," I growled.

"All right," said Johannes. "I'll give you some space."

It was quiet again, and I deflated.

I stared into the suitcase and I didn't know what to do with myself.

And then I scented her .

I went stiff, standing at the suitcase.

Abruptly, I turned, crossed the room, and yanked the door open.

She was there, her hand raised as if she was intending to knock. "Oh," she said. "Hello."

"Go away," I said.

"Johannes said you needed space, and he said I shouldn't come to talk to you…"

Fuck. "Go. Away."

"I'm pretty sure you won't maim me," she said. It was a joke. She was joking.

She did not understand anything.

I grimaced, my scent rising, my expression going lethal—

She flinched, fear in her eyes, and that broke me.

I let out a gasp. "Sorry. I'm sorry." I backed away, throwing up my hands. "Fine, come in, then." I went back to my suitcase and looked into it. It was a mess. None of the clothes were folded. I doubted I'd even be able to zip it closed.

I heard the door shut.

"What do you want, omega?"

"Um… you, I guess," she said. "But I know this is a stupid time, and Johannes said—"

"Fuck Johannes," I snarled.

"Okay," she said.

I was shaking. I didn't like being around anyone when I was this upset, this volatile, but I'd let her in for some reason, which didn't make any sense. "You came here to, what? Kiss me? Seduce me? Get knotted?"

"I just… no."

I turned on her. "What if I want to knot you?"

"Right now?" She shrugged, giving me a little smile. She wasn't turning it down. "Are you sure that's what you want?"

"You think I'm going to spill my soul to you, tell you all my secrets, get you to comfort me?" I glared into the suitcase. "We don't even fucking know each other."

"I know," she said. "Dmitri's getting in the way of things. We started to get to know each other, and then he bit me, and I got distracted. He's overwhelming sometimes."

Yes. Yes, he was.

"It's messed up with us, Nikolai," she said. "You've had your mouth on my pussy twice and we've never even kissed, and I realize that's exactly what you're talking about with Dmitri, exactly the kind of evidence of his just using you. Sexually."

I turned to look at her, my lower lip trembling.

"It would make sense if you never wanted to talk to him again, that's all," she said. "But I…" She fingered her mark on her chest.

"I'm leaving," I told her, gesturing to the suitcase.

"Okay," she said.

I shifted on my feet, and the words burst out of me. "Come with me."

Her lips parted.

I looked back into the suitcase. "Fuck. We haven't even kissed."

She came closer. She was gentle but sure of herself as she placed a small hand in the middle of my chest and looked up at me.

I turned, taking her in my arms, gazing into her eyes.

Our lips moved closer and closer.

She shut her eyes and I shut mine, too.

Our lips met, a soft joining, and that went all through me, making me feel loose and relaxed, washing out the anger and pain, just from one touch of this woman.

She opened her mouth and I did too, and our tongues brushed, and that was heady and sweet, another wave of goodness making my negative emotions ebb out.

I deepened the kiss.

She wrapped herself tighter around me.

We kissed and kissed. I sat down on the bed and pulled her with me. Her small, omega body undulated into me. She felt fantastic. She smelled fantastic. I rolled us over, her underneath me, and I kissed my way down her neck. I kissed my way to her mark.

I kissed it.

She bowed up, gasping.

I looked down at her, and there were tears in her eyes.

Suddenly, I was shaking again.

I put my face against her, against the soft swell of her, and I started to sob. I cried, but there weren't tears. It was just jerks of tight pain going through me, and then… these noises, these broken noises.

It was embarrassing.

She crushed me against her, her hand on the back of my neck, breathing my name in my ear over and over.

Abruptly, I pulled away from her and rolled over on the bed, lying next to her, gasping for breath, my eyes dry, but my body gripped with pain.

"I have… I can't leave Johannes," she said.

"Right," I muttered.

"And Corentin. He and I—"

"Right," I said, sitting up.

"Nikolai, don't go."

I looked back at her. "He's horrible sometimes. But Johannes might be worse. And I think I'm the worst of all, for just lapping it up like an idiot dog."

She fingered her mark again. "He's my mate ."

I sighed, looking away.

"He's not always horrible," she said in a tiny voice.

"Let's stop talking about him," I decided.

She nodded.

I straightened up on the bed, running a hand over my head, thinking this through. "I'm pretty fucked up, omega, and I don't know if you're quite aware of how extensive that is."

"I don't think you're fucked up."

"Yeah, but like I'm saying, you don't even know the extent of it."

"You want to tell me?"

I tilted my head at her. "I presented young. Really young. It happened while I was being raped, which was a real mindfuck, and I've always… there's always been this element of confusion about the entire thing, because, you know, when it happens, it's against my will, but I'm always aroused."

She licked her lips. "W-well, I think that's normal."

"What?"

"I mean, you know, I'm an omega. I get aroused very easily. I get aroused from all kinds of fucked up shit. I used to watch documentaries where victims would talk about sexual abuse, and I would get aroused, and I thought it meant something, but it doesn't, it's just natural. Just because you get turned on doesn't mean you like it."

"Exactly," I said. "I mean, yeah, I know that."

"With Dmitri…?"

"What?"

"Is Dmitri forcing himself on you?"

"No." I dismissed this.

"Okay," she said. "That's good. You said that thing about masters and slaves—"

"Maybe he gets in my head," I muttered. "Maybe it's confusing."

"Right?" she said, gesturing with both hands. "It is confusing."

My nostrils flared.

"But I'm bonded to him, and he's not… through the bond, I feel his love, and I just don't think that if he can love like that, he can be some kind of monster."

"He's not a monster," I said. "I've been with monsters. That's not Dmitri." I knew it was true as I said it, too.

"Well, I'm glad you said that, because I don't think I can give him up," she said.

"Who asked you to?"

"Just… if it's the right thing? If he's a bad person—"

"Oh, for that matter, I'm a bad person," I said.

"No, you're not!"

I raised my eyebrows, grinning. "So sure of that?"

She nodded emphatically. "If you were abused when you were young, and all you ever knew was abuse, then I don't think whatever you needed to do to survive that means anything about your character."

I bowed my head, because—despite everything—it was still good to hear stuff like that out loud.

"You don't have to talk about all the gory details if you don't want," she said. "But I'm here to hear anything you do want to tell me. You're not going to shock me or scare me off. I want you to understand that."

"You're this… pretty, perfect, soft, flowery, girly—"

"No," she said. "I'm a person. I'm flesh and blood. I'm your omega, Nikolai."

My omega? My lips parted and I raised my gaze to hers. "Come with me, then."

She started to say something.

"Not forever," I said. "I'll bring you back to him eventually, but just… you and me…"

"You'll come back, too?"

I hesitated.

Her phone started ringing. She pulled it out of her pocket, muttering that it was probably a spam caller, and then turned off the ringer. She set it down on the bed. "That's okay, I guess. You don't have to make any decisions yet. If you're asking me to run away with you, the answer's yes. You're the only one I haven't been alone with recently."

"Wait, what? You and Corentin, when?"

She cringed. "Don't tell Dmitri."

I chuckled. "Seriously?"

She groaned.

Her phone started ringing again. She picked it back up. Furrowing her brow, she said, "Same number."

"Huh," I said.

"I think I should answer it."

"Yeah, okay," I said.

She put the phone to her ear. "Hello?" A long pause as she listened. Her features changed, and her face drained noticeably of blood, her lips turning white. "N-no, I c-can't—" But the person on the other end cut her off.

I moved forward, reaching for the phone. I don't know what I meant to do, but something was rising in me, something fierce and protective, and I was going to stop whatever it was that was happening on this phone call, whatever was making her look that way, whatever was leaching her entirely of a scent.

She evaded me. "I don't have that! I can't get to that!" A pause. "But he won't help me, not for him ."

What was going on?

She let out a strangled half sob, shaking all over.

Then, slowly, she lowered the phone.

"Aurelie?"

She shook, blinking rapidly, worrying at her bottom lip with her teeth. I could see she was in shock.

"Omega," I barked. It had been a long time since I'd used a bark on anyone. It was something I'd used in the service of Sector Unius, occasionally, but I'd left that sort of behavior behind.

Her gaze snapped up, color spreading back in her lips and features.

"Tell me what just happened," I said.

"They have Corentin," she breathed in a horrified voice.

"Who?"

"They didn't say," she said. "They had… accents, like… I don't know."

"Arenzan accents?" I said, putting this together too quickly. Oh, he'd told me he had wrenched the deciding stocks in his company back from that crime family, but I knew about the Bannino family. I'd had dealings with them before, and I knew they didn't take well to having power wrested from them.

"Yes," she said. "How did you know?"

"I looked into Corentin. He didn't make all that money he has without getting his hands dirty."

She considered. "He used to sell drugs."

I chuckled darkly. "Is it a ransom request?"

She nodded.

I let out a breath. Why do that? If they wanted to retain their shares in the company, how did kidnapping serve them? Well, I'd puzzle over that later.

"I don't have access to the kind of money they want," she said. "They say Dmitri will pay it for me, but he won't. And—"

"Oh, we're not paying them," I muttered. "I'll take care of this, omega." I was actually relishing the idea of that. Too much time in high walls, on cushy beds, playing games with spoiled princes. Something rose in me at the idea of a real challenge.

"How will you take care of it?"

"Don't worry about that," I said. "Just go and take a nice bath and try to relax, and I'll deliver Corentin Sejour back to you safe and sound by dinner time."

"You're going to steal him back?"

I nodded.

"But I don't even know where they have him."

"I'll find him," I said.

"All right." She drew in a breath. "Then, I'm coming with you."

"No, you can't."

"Yes, I can," she said, her voice growing stronger. "I can't take a bath and distract myself from this. I need to do something."

"Too dangerous."

"You could protect me," she said, lifting her chin, looking me over in an assessing way that made pride and eagerness rise in me. It wasn't a question. She trusted my capabilities completely. She saw me for what I was, and she wasn't frightened of it. She simply accepted it. I wasn't a victim to her. I was useful. "I might like that, actually, Nikolai. A little adventure, you and me, to rescue my childhood sweetheart."

I grinned. If I floated an idea like this to either Dmitri or Johannes, they'd stop me. To them, I was damaged and brittle. To her, I was, well, her alpha. "This wasn't exactly what I meant when I said you should come away with me, you know."

"But you'll let me come along. And you'll fix it," she said. "You said you'd fix it, and you will." She stepped closer, putting both of her hands on my chest. "I can help."

She was not going to help. She was going to get in the way and make everything about seventy percent more difficult. But I might like the challenge. I might like to show off in front of her.

I kissed her hard. "I'll fix it," I whispered against her lips.

corentin

I WAS FRUSTRATED .

I was stuck at the airport.

My plan had been to go to a meeting with the Bannino family, because they'd been quite displeased to discover that we'd managed to wrangle a controlling stake in the company away from them. It had been a near thing, but I'd gotten it all done, buying stocks here and there at extraordinary prices—hurting the company, really, because I was driving the price of the stocks up in ways that made them unattractive.

But it had all been worth it.

It was done.

If I could have done it sooner, I could have been to Aurelie sooner, but I had only just managed it.

And then I got the call that the Banninos were demanding a meeting with me and that they wouldn't be put off, that they were threatening me with exposure. They had dirt on me, after all. I didn't have clean hands, and they could get me arrested and put away for a number of various crimes.

But that cut both ways.

I had dirt on them, too.

So, I acquiesced to the meeting. I'd go to them and tell them that if I went down, we all went down. They would see reason, and everything would work out.

Except I had not been able to make it to the meeting at all.

All I wanted was to be back with Aurelie right now.

And, uh, to Dmitri, truth be told.

I'd been thinking about him a lot.

Thinking about the sound of his deep voice, thinking about the way he'd told me to say that I was his, thinking about calling him "alpha." Getting annoying knots at the most inopportune times when thoughts of him crossed my mind.

However, when I got to the airport to board the private plane I'd chartered to get me to the meeting in Arenze, my pilot was MIA. I spent the better part of an hour trying to get in touch with him, and then given up on that and tried to charter another plane with another pilot, or even that I would just fly commercial, but that had been fraught with issues too.

My phone suddenly stopped working entirely.

I must have somehow downloaded a virus accidentally or something. I wasn't sure, but every time I tried to open any app, I was inundated with ads for watches and sports gear that would pop up, taking up the entire screen. I couldn't call. I couldn't open the internet. I couldn't do a damned thing.

I managed to find a pay phone in the airport and to call the office.

They told me that every computer system on our end was infected with some kind of similar virus.

A hack. The Banninos had infiltrated our system and installed some awful spyware or something. Our IT guys were on it. They could clean it, they said. They'd already found the point of entry and closed the back door—apparently, the Banninos had gotten into our network and created some dummy administrator account that could fuck everything up. Our guys had locked them out of the system and closed off all their access.

Now, they just had to clean the hack, they said, which was time intensive. The programs installed would perpetrate themselves, installing new programs every time one of them was deleted. They would need to reinstall everything from a backup before the hack had occurred. This would probably take four or five hours, they said.

They could fix my phone, too, if I could get it to them.

I didn't understand this.

Why?

What was the point of this? I asked if the Banninos had done anything while they were in our system to attack us. Had they taken sensitive information or sold our stocks or anything of that nature?

The IT guys said no. They said nothing had been touched, nothing had been stolen, and there had been no downloads from our system.

"Just to fuck with us," they said. "You know, for the lulz."

Psychological warfare, then? They were annoyed with me, so they threw a tantrum?

Didn't seem right to me. Something else was going on.

I told the office to get me on a plane so I could come in and fix this problem. I told them to get me the phone numbers for everyone in the Bannino family so that I could talk to them (because I couldn't access my contacts on my phone).

Then I spent an hour trying to get someone, anyone, from the Bannino family on the phone.

Their secretaries told me they were busy, and my direct calls to their cell phones all went directly to voicemail.

I called the office back. Did I have a plane? They said that was off the table because I'd somehow been placed on a banned list and if I presented my passport anywhere, it would be confiscated.

"Rent me a car," I said.

They did.

I went to get it, and then realized I could not drive back to the office, because the office was located in Castille, and I was currently in Valhn, and I could not cross a country border with my passport.

I took the car to buy a burner phone, which I could use to stay in touch with the office. But I didn't have any numbers for Aurelie or any of the princes. I figured I was better to go back there, to that castle. I was stressed out, and maybe I needed to blow off some steam, get my knot wet, fight with Dmitri, fuck Dmitri…

I didn't even know at that point.

I could have called to tell them I was on my way, but that would mean asking the office to dig up those numbers for me, something that wouldn't have been easy with all our systems down.

So, I just drove.

I drove back to my omega and my alpha and it felt good to be leaving all the mess of everything else behind. It felt good not to think about stocks or crime families or hacks or any of it.

It felt like freedom.