16. Krampus

CHAPTER 16

KRAMPUS

T he line at the coffee shop snakes around twice, but I don't mind. These humans pack themselves in tight, radiating warmth and good cheer. Their holiday spirits infect even my normally murderous thoughts.

"Grande peppermint mocha for Kram!"

"That's me." I collect the drink, careful not to crush the fragile cup in my massive hand. The barista doesn't even blink at my appearance - the image inducer makes me look like any other human shopping for overpriced beverages.

The scent of cinnamon and nutmeg fills my nostrils. A display of seasonal treats catches my eye.

"Add two of those gingerbread people."

"Cookies," the cashier corrects. "They're called gingerbread cookies."

"Whatever. They look delicious."

I study the intricate frosting designs while she bags them. Such artistry in their tiny faces. Almost a shame to eat them.

Almost.

A small child bumps into my leg, sticky hands leaving prints on my pants. Instead of eviscerating the tiny human like I normally would, I pat its head.

"Careful there, small one."

"Sorry mister!"

The mother yanks the child away, but I just smile. The holiday decorations twinkle merrily, casting rainbow patterns across the floor. Tinny speakers pipe out songs about snow and sleigh bells.

I grab Mel's bagel order and head for the door, dodging around clusters of caffeine-deprived humans. None of them realize a legendary destroyer walks among them. They're too focused on their phones and shopping lists.

The bell jingles as I step outside into the crisp morning air. Steam rises from the coffee cup, carrying that rich aroma that Mel loves so much. Better than any replicator swill.

"Maybe I could get used to life on Earth," I say to myself.

My good mood evaporates when I spot the Grolgath leaning against Mel's car. The paper bag crumples in my grip as I draw my disintegrator.

"Now, now." Gregor raises his hands. "I'm just here to talk."

"Talk fast." The weapon hums to life in my palm. One squeeze and there'll be nothing left but scattered atoms.

"Why protect this human? She's nothing special. Just another primitive biped on a backwater world."

"Ataxia herself was human."

"That's open to interpretation." Gregor straightens his tie. His image inducer flickers, showing scales beneath human skin. "But I'm not here to debate religious doctrine."

"Then why are you here?"

"To make you an offer." A thin smile spreads across his face. "One I think you'll find quite interesting."

The coffee grows cold in my hand as I keep the disintegrator trained on his chest. Steam no longer rises from the cup, and the holiday cheer feels very far away now.

"Full pardon," Gregor says. "Return to the Coalition. Your old rank, your privileges. Even that ridiculous collection of antique weapons."

My finger tightens on the trigger. "In exchange for what?"

"Nothing unreasonable. Keep your pets if you want them. The female and her offspring can live in comfort, provided they remain... contained."

The paper bag tears in my grip. Coffee splashes onto the pavement, steam rising in the cold morning air.

"They're not pets."

"No?" Gregor's scales ripple beneath his human disguise. "Then what are they to you, exactly? Surely you don't consider these primitives equals?"

The image of Sam's face flashes through my mind. Her tiny hands reaching for mine, teaching me to make paper snowflakes. Mel's rare smile when I manage not to destroy something.

"My family." The words rumble from deep in my chest, a growl that makes nearby car alarms chirp in sympathy.

Gregor's mouth drops open. His perfect bureaucrat facade cracks, showing genuine surprise beneath.

"They're my family," I repeat, louder this time. The disintegrator whines as power builds in its chamber.

Something clicks in my mind. Gregor's perfect composure. The way he stands, exposed, in broad daylight. No backup units or security drones in sight.

The real Gregor would never do this.

I lower my weapon, studying his face more carefully. The image inducer flickers again, but the pattern's wrong. Too regular, like a corrupted data stream.

"Nice try." I holster the disintegrator. "But Grolgath are cowards. They'd never confront an enemy face to face."

His expression doesn't change. The same thin smile, frozen in place.

"Besides, your projection matrix is showing."

I reach out and wave my hand through his chest. The hologram ripples, pixels fragmenting before reforming.

"Amateur work." I pop open Mel's car door. "Tell your boss to invest in better tech."

The hologram continues its rehearsed speech as I slide behind the wheel, my bulk barely fitting in the tiny Earth vehicle. I start the engine, drowning out whatever threats or promises the fake Gregor is spouting.

The hologram vanishes as I drive through it, scattering into particles of light that fade in the morning sun.

Time to get Mel her breakfast before it gets any colder. Maybe I can salvage at least one of the gingerbread cookies.

A shadow falls over the windshield. My first thought is clouds, but the darkness pulses with an otherworldly purple glow.

"No." I slam on the brakes, but the car continues forward, lifting off the ground. "Not now."

The steering wheel spins uselessly under my hands. Outside, trees and buildings shrink as we rise higher. The coffee cup tips over, spilling onto the floormat.

Mel's going to kill me.

The saucer above looks like a standard Grolgath interceptor, all chrome and menace. Their tractor beam has me locked tight - I can't even open the door.

"Come on, think." I pat the dashboard. "Your owner will never forgive me if I let anything happen to you."

The altitude meter on my wrist computer ticks upward. Five thousand feet. Ten thousand. The air grows thin, frost spreading across the windows.

We pass through a layer of clouds, emerging into clear blue sky. The ocean sparkles below, a deadly expanse of deep water waiting to swallow us whole.

"That's their plan." My claws dig into the steering wheel. "Drop us in the Pacific. Even I can't swim carrying a car."

The tractor beam flickers. Just for a moment, but enough to make the vehicle shudder. A warning light blinks on the dashboard - low tire pressure. The cold must be affecting the sensors.

Wait.

I reach for the center console, hitting every button I can find. Windshield wipers. Hazard lights. Radio.

"The electromagnetic interference..."

The tractor beam wavers again as I blast through radio frequencies. Static fills the car, making my fur stand on end. The saucer's grip loosens with each surge of interference.

One good burst might break us free. But we're too high - the fall would destroy the car anyway.

Unless...

I grab the gear shift, ready to time this perfectly. The ocean spreads out below us like a giant blue target. My finger hovers over the radio dial as we begin to turn, the saucer positioning us for the drop.

I pop the car door and leap into the tractor beam. The proton stream tingles against my fur as I swim upward through the purple light. Physics are more like guidelines anyway when you're me.

The hull of the saucer looms above. My claws dig into the metal, peeling it back like a tin can. Alarms blare as I squeeze through the opening.

"Intruder alert!" A grolgath guard raises his weapon.

I grab his face and use him as a battering ram through three more of his friends. Their scales crack under my grip.

"Which way to the bridge?"

The guard points left before passing out. How helpful.

More grolgath pour into the corridor, weapons charging. I bulldoze through them, tossing bodies left and right. Their energy blasts tickle.

"Is this really the best you've got?"

The bridge doors seal shut ahead of me. I punch through the reinforced metal, stepping over the wreckage.

"Hello boys." I crack my knuckles. "Anyone want to surrender?"

They open fire instead. Smart choice - I hate paperwork.

Thirty seconds later, I drop the last unconscious guard onto the pile and slide into the captain's chair. My claws dance across the controls, activating the cloaking device.

"Now, let's see about getting Mel's car back safely."

The saucer banks smoothly as I guide it toward her house. Good thing I downloaded the pilot's manual while beating everyone up.

I engage the tractor beam again, this time gentle as a mother's touch. Mel's car settles onto her driveway without a scratch.

"Perfect parking job, if I do say so myself."

The breakfast is definitely cold by now though. I'll have to get her fresh coffee.

After I dispose of this spaceship somewhere inconspicuous. Maybe that empty lot behind the mall...

I ease the saucer down onto the mall's roof, nestled between the HVAC units and satellite dishes. The cloaking field shimmers, making it blend perfectly with the gray winter sky.

"That ought to hold for a few days." I tap the power readout. "After that... well, not my problem."

Let the humans deal with an alien spaceship appearing out of nowhere. Maybe they'll turn it into another tourist attraction, like that weird ball of twine Sam keeps begging to visit.

I hop down from the access hatch, my boots crunching in the gravel. The mall's Christmas lights twinkle below, reflecting off the saucer's invisible hull. Some teenager's going to get one hell of a TikTok video when the power finally dies.

But right now, I have more important things to worry about. Like getting Mel fresh coffee and explaining why I took so long.

The image inducer hums as I activate it, transforming my blue fur and horns into an acceptable human appearance. Just another holiday shopper heading home.

"Time to give Mel the Christmas she deserves." I check my reflection in a puddle. "No more alien invasions, no more government conspiracies. Just... normal Earth celebrations."

I pat the invisible saucer one last time. "Good luck to whoever finds you first."

The walk back to Mel's house gives me time to plan. She needs decorations - real ones, not the sad plastic tree in her living room. And presents for Sam. And maybe one of those holiday feast things I keep seeing advertised.

I'll make it perfect. Even if I have to threaten every mall Santa in town to do it.

No reason to tell her about my little space adventure. She has enough to worry about without knowing there's a Grolgath interceptor parked at the mall.