Chapter 12

Chapter

Twelve

Ana

" O h, that feels so gooood." Selina groans as Beatrix, her spa therapist, massages her back. We're lying on tables close to each other in my favorite spa in the palace.

"Relax, Your Highness," my therapist whispers near my ear. "It's like your muscles are fighting me."

"Sorry, Hilda." I shake my head in the cradle at the end of the table.

"It is I who should be sorry," she says. "Perhaps if you turn onto your back, I can work on your head first?"

"Great idea." Many times, I've fallen asleep while Hilda massaged my scalp and temples. She's the best. And it's my head that's the problem. If only she could massage out reality.

"Are you okay?" Selina asks, then she groans again as Beatrix runs her thumbs up the sides of her spine.

"Yeah." I turn onto my back and stare up at the ceiling. This spa is in a natural cave, complete with a small waterfall at the side, which cascades into a natural pool of cold water.

A smaller pool lies next to it. Its shape is natural too, but the shape is where nature ends. The pool is more like a high-tech hot tub. It's heated and has adjustable seats and jets that can pinpoint the desired spot on any patron. The entire space is softly lit with soothing green and blue lights, which reflect off the granite surfaces and sparkle over the water that glows aqua from beneath.

When I lived in the palace, this spa was my favorite place in the world. I came weekly whenever I was able. Selina was kind to bring me here today, and I struggle to feel the gratitude I know that I should, because all I can think of is the underground pool in the brothers' quarters at Freetown, how free and wild I felt there.

My heart aches, knowing I'll never be in Freetown again. That I'll never experience the intense heights of pleasure I discovered while there. Those four men changed me, profoundly, awakened parts of me I didn't know existed. Even if the future grants me a lover who comes even close to pleasing my body like that, no experience will ever compare to all the firsts I enjoyed with the brothers. Firsts are the ones we most vividly remember.

Technically, Timur took my virginity, but contrasting sex with Timur to any one of the four brothers is like comparing dry toast to chocolate.

The brothers awakened my passions and thoroughly ignited my sexuality. Nothing in the future will ever compare.

"Even your scalp is tight," Hilda says as her strong fingers stroke through my hair.

"Ana, you're not okay." Selina lifts her head. "I'm turning over," she says to Beatrix, and then instead of turning onto her back, she sits up and turns toward me. "Want to go into the heated pool and talk?"

"Sure." I look up at Hilda.

She casts her eyes down. "I've failed you, today, my lady."

"No." Sitting up, I reach for her hand. "Hilda, your massage was as amazing as ever, it's just that…I've got a lot on my mind." The understatement of a century.

Hilda nods. "Might I suggest we resume, after you have a deep soak?"

"That would be lovely." I smile at her, knowing how much it pains Hilda to believe that she didn't do a good job. I well understand how it feels when your efforts don't live up to your own expectations, never mind the expectations of others. Mariano may be dead, but my first foray into negotiations outside the safety of this palace did not proceed how I planned. Not even close. Next time I'll do better.

I slip off the table. "I'm sure I'll be ready for a massage after the heat," I tell Hilda. "And remember, there's no need for formalities. Please, call me Ana."

She nods, but her lips tighten as if the idea of calling me Ana makes her uncomfortable. I've tried to get Hilda to use my first name in the past, especially after Selina arrived at the palace, which sent an invigorating jolt of change into my life. Then, I re-upped my efforts to drop all my titles. But Hilda is an old school vampire. She's worked at this palace and at previous ones, for centuries longer than I've been alive.

Selina squeezes my hand and offers a supportive smile as we step toward the heated pool, and then we slip our nude bodies inside. Hilda and Beatrix have already adjusted the seats and jet placements to best suit our heights and proportions, and I can't help but sigh as the warm water and throbbing jets penetrate my tense muscles.

I turn to Selina. "This was a good idea. Thank you."

She smiles. "So, tell me, what's going on? You were so happy when you arrived at the palace. You were glowing . What's changed?"

My body tenses again.

"Tea?" A staff person I don't know arrives carrying a tray that contains two steaming mugs of something that smells of fresh citrus, ginger and cinnamon.

"Yes, thank you," Selina answers taking one of the offered mugs.

I take the other, moving it under my nose and inhaling its delicious scent, grateful for the distraction. Part of me knows that talking about all this could help process my feelings, but I don't really want to process them. Telling Selina that Phil is dead will make it true. Verbalizing it will cause more damage to my heart than a stake.

"When we last talked—" Selina keeps pushing "—you seemed so in love. Is there trouble in paradise? Did something happen?"

I take a sip of the hot herbal tea, focussing on the aromas and the heat as it slides toward my belly. "I guess you could say I'm seeing things more clearly now."

"How's that?" Selina takes another sip of her tea.

I draw a long breath to steel my courage. "It's complicated. But bottom line, I realized I was being a fool."

"A fool?" She tips her head to the side, her expression full of confusion. "How?"

"A fool to let anything trivial interfere with the life I've planned."

Setting down her mug in a smooth dip in the rock surface, Selina turns toward me. "Surely you can't mean love. Love is the least trivial, most glorious experience on earth." A massive smile invades the concern on Selina's face.

There's no denying how love has changed my sestra's life, how happy it's made her. But as much as I love Selina, we're not the same person. Not by a long shot. I've lived a hundred years longer than my newfound sister and that's given me a century of wisdom to help me understand what's really important.

"I appreciate that finding love was transformative for you," I tell Selina. "That your men have made you happy. But I have no time for that. I want to make a positive difference in the world."

Selina frowns. "You think I don't ?"

"I didn't mean it like that."

"Then, what did you mean?"

Oh, my goodness. I've insulted her. "What I mean is, I want to see the whole world. And I want to make big things happen. I want to change things that will improve the lives of all vampirekind. Humankind too."

She chuckles. "You know what, Ana? If anyone else said that to me, I'd think they had delusions of grandeur, but I'm certain you'll actually do those things. I have no doubt you're going to change this world for the better."

"So, you understand why love's not for me." I smile over my mug of tea, wishing this small victory had made me feel better.

"Not one bit." Selina shakes her head. "I don't see how one thing has anything to do with the other. I don't understand why you can't combine love and success. I don't see why you can't do great things with a man—or men—at your side. If anything, a mate's love and support will bolster you, make you more effective in your work."

I take another long sip of the tea, letting the warmth of the water and the force of the jets permeate my body. It's possible she's right. But even if she is, it's not relevant. Not anymore.

"It's not just that," I tell her. "I've also discovered that I can't trust those men."

"Oh, I'm so sorry." She slides toward me. "What happened?" She glances to the side to confirm we're alone. "I mean, you told me a bit about their…dubious pasts. Is that it?"

I shrug. "Partially. Mostly. Maybe." I shake my head. "The only thing that matters is I've discovered they're liars. I can never trust them again."