Chapter 5

Chapter Five

Jessie

"I think we need to find you the perfect wedding dress." Mom and Queen Maye are gushing over me, making me a little uncomfortable because I didn't want to do dress shopping yet, "you're the future Queen so you have to honestly look the part. I hope that we're not burdening you with what we want from you, but I would hope that you would enjoy every part of this."

I just smile at them because there's no way that I'm going to be able to do anything else about it. It makes me feel a little good because there's no way that I could have done anything like this without them. It makes me wonder if it is truly going to be alright but when I see how they look at me, I have this feeling that it is going to turn around and be a lot more for me. I don't think that I have ever craved being so close to someone like I do with Ruka, not even when I was wanting Hayden.

It's like he is irrelevant now.

Dad ended up switching Hayden with another guard and I think that I'm okay with it. I just needed some space from him so that way I could work on my relationship with Ruka and not let anything hold me back.

It's quite odd the mate bond.

For the longest time, I thought that I would die if I wasn't so close to Hayden but now it's like he doesn't even matter anymore. It makes me a bit sick to my stomach because I do care about him, but I know that it was never going to work out. I couldn't be with someone who would never be able to go anywhere with me. I think that he figured this out as well and wasn't going to try to bother with it because he knew this whole thing would just end up being a mess in my face.

I think that after everything that has happened between Hayden and I, I deserve to just take a step back and rest. I don't need to worry about something until it actually happens and I'm not going to think about it. I just know how much I love and want him, and I'm not going to try to worry about anything else when it comes down to it because how else can I?

I know that Ruka would flip if Hayden tried anything again, so I don't want to risk it.

"You are going to be the perfect Queen." Queen Maye tells me, wrapping her arms around me as I'm assaulted by the intense smell of her perfume, "I know that my son might not be the easiest one to handle but I can assure you that he is going to love you no matter what. He is going to make sure that you're content and he would never let anyone hurt you."

I don't know about that, but I trust her on it. As much as I do like Ruka and he is my fated mate, I do worry about what might end up happening if I allow this to go too far. When I saw how he was looking at me, it was like nothing else mattered, and we were in our own world. He was looking at me like I was the only one for him and he didn't care who might have glanced his way.

He just wanted to be with ME.

I saw the beautiful glimmer in his eyes when he turned to look at me, a look that I knew all too well and it made me long for a lot more. I couldn't quite decipher it, wishing that I could have pulled him closer, but I also knew it wouldn't be such a smart idea. If I ended up falling hard for him, I wondered what kind of person that would make me.

Would I be a bad person?

A good person?

Was it just someone who fell for the mate bond?

Did I just want to dream about anything else?

I don't even know at this point, and I just wanted to be much closer. I wanted to love him, and I didn't care about anything else. But when Queen Maye is smiling at me, it makes me a little sick to my stomach because I worry about failing all of them.

I don't know how to be the Queen.

I don't know how to love anyone the right way.

I don't know if I'm even going to be good enough for Ruka.

That is what I worry about.

She must have seen the hesitation in my gaze, and she gently rests her hand on my shoulder, giving me a beautiful smile that is enough to make my heart flutter from nerves.

"Don't you worry about a thing." She finally tells me, making me wonder what is going to happen next, "I can assure you that after everything is said and done, you're never going to regret being with him. The only thing you will regret is not falling for him quicker."

I believe her even though he is her son. There's no reason for her to lie to me, I think that I have come to that decision pretty quickly. Although the best thing for me to do is probably to just take it one step at a time but I worry that I am going to let my emotions get the better of me. It would end up being a dangerous thing if I did and I can't let it get the best of me.

I won't.

I can't.

I know that I would very much end up regretting it and I don't think I could live with myself. After everything that has happened, I think that even Ruka would agree with me that he doesn't want to force it. He wants to make sure that I know we are in love before anything crazy ends up happening.

"Do you really think that I would be a good Queen?" I finally ask her, seeing how she looks up at me with surprise, "If I'm being completely honest, I don't think that I will be and I worry that Ruka is going to figure that out as well. I'm not the perfect person when it comes down to relationships and a part of me worries that maybe it is not going to go the way that I need it to. What if all of this ends up being blown up in my face and then it is ruined? I don't know what I would do if that ended up happening."

My feelings are valid, that much I'm going to say right now and I'm trying to not worry about anything else. I see the way she is looking at me, as if she is trying to decide if I'm being one hundred percent serious. I have no reason to lie, I think that she must have figured that out by now and I wish that she would just listen to me either way. When I loved Hayden, it was easy because no one knew but Ruka is the crown prince. He is the person that everyone looks up to and he is going to end up choosing me?

He wants me.

I don't even know at this point, and I wish that I could figure it out. I know that this whole thing might turn into a big mess but I'm trying to not worry about it now. If I push it too much, I know that I would end up regretting it and then there would definitely be nothing else for me to do. When I look at Ruka, I know that I'm going to be alright.

If he is by my side, I highly doubt anything is going to stand in my way.

"Well, we will support you no matter what." Queen Maye assures me, a softness on her face that makes my heart skip a beat, "no one is expecting you to be perfect, let me tell you that right now. We just want to make sure that you do everything the way that it needs to be done."

I'm grateful to her because I have honestly been worrying over the stupidest shit. I don't know how to make it okay, I think I have figured this out already, but it's like nothing else that I have dreamed about. I want to be closer to Ruka but I'm worried that I will never be good enough.

How can I be good enough for him?

I don't even know at this point, but I'd rather do this one way or another.

I just hope that he might end up feeling the same way.